A personal journey: look inside to see if this is your mother

[elizabeth]

Yes. Yes. Yes. I am sorry to meet another survivor of BPD:grouphug: Thank you for sharing this post .

[elizabeth]

When I first started reading this book, I had to stop because I saw me doing so much of these things to my own children (to a much lesser degree). I felt terrible and guilty. I stopped and talked to my children, sort of quizzing them to see how much damage I had done. I talked to my brother and he said that I was tons better than dm since I was questioning my actions--just the act of self reflection was a step forward. So if you are aware of your faults (not just illnesses) you are doing alright in my eyes. Once again not bashing, just letting people know there is help and sympathy.

 

As a survivor of suicide by my father and a decade later my brother and being left with a BPD parent I cannot applaud you loudly enough for bringing this thread into the forum. The good kind ones were consumed by her(BPD mother) and then she has had the audacity to paint herself as a victim. It speaks volumes about the depth of shame and ruin these people leave behind that so many of us are coming out of the closet, so to speak for the first time to virtual strangers. I feel perfectly entitled to bash I have earned my stripes both physical and mental .

[kchara]

kchara,

Did your dad stay in the marriage? One of my biggest angers stems from my father abandoning me, moving away and not contacting me--he and my brother took the easy road (leaving) and left me with her all alone at the age of 13. Oh and my stepfather who I really believed loved me, left without so much as a goodbye.

 

 

My parents divorced when I was 12. Dad had custody of my brother and I, but his mother died that year, as well, and he lost his job, then jumped right into another relationship (they're still married, but she's only 9 years older than me. There were definitely issues with having basically two pubescent girls fighting for control of the same house... it was a mess. We'll never be close). He basically had a nervous breakdown. So, he didn't abandon us physically, but he definitely checked out emotionally. He never really came back. He thinks we're close. I let him think that. The reality is, he has his new family, and I'm not really part of that all that much. He disapproves of the very things that makes me, me, so it's strained. I do have contact with him, though. In fact, he'll be passing through for 2 days with my sister and stepmom next week.

 

I have a lot of anger towards my dad, too. He's a trained counselor, I felt he should have warned me, protected me (I was definitely NOT the Golden Child in our family), and, I suppose he did, in his own way, but the man wouldn't know a backbone if it knocked him on the head. He also had his own issues, probably stemming from his own mother being borderline, which is what probably attracted him to mom to begin with.

 

He let me move out when I was 15 without a fight. I'm not sure I'll ever quite forgive him for that, although his situation wasn't much, if any better. But, there weren't the drugs and illegal activity in his house, that there was in Mom's.

[Perry]

:grouphug:

My mother was very similar. I believe she had BPD, although she refused to see doctors of any kind so she was never diagnosed. My dad (a neurologist) thought she was schizoid. She was also agoraphobic, alcoholic, and had panic disorder.

 

It was very, very difficult. I have many of the same issues you listed. When I was 23 we had a major blowout, and I cut off all contact with her. She died 10 years later. My life has been much more peaceful without her in it.

 

I never once felt a bit of love from my mother, and have always found it difficult to love others. I was terrified of having kids, and wouldn't have if I hadn't got pregnant unintentionally, mainly because I was scared that I wouldn't love them. Luckily, I felt an amazing flood of love the second my baby was born, and I am so relieved that it has been a non-issue for me. However, parenting in general does NOT come naturally and has always been a struggle. I have worked hard to be a better mom than my mother was, and am thankful that I have a great relationship with my kids. But it hasn't been easy.

 

Thanks for the book recommendation. I look forward to reading it.

[Perry]

I just have to say...ouch.

 

I don't mean to threadjack here. But, just be aware that those of us here may suffer from mental illness or personality disorders (or both!) and are darn good parents. I guarantee you that I experienced more trauma from my non mentally ill parents than my DD has ever dreamed of dealing with.

Having a few diagnoses of my own, I understand and sympathize. However, I do believe that almost any child of a parent with an untreated, unrecognized, or unaddressed mental illness will suffer.

[zaichiki]

When I first started reading this book, I had to stop because I saw me doing so much of these things to my own children (to a much lesser degree).

 

Which book was that, Lara?

Edited July 7, 2011 by zaichiki

[Lara in Colo]

Surviving a Borderline Parent

 

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310000989&sr=8-1

[MinivanMom]

. . . and then she has had the audacity to paint herself as a victim.

 

This. Out of all the things I went through prior to my mother's death, this was absolutely the worst.

[zaichiki]

This. Out of all the things I went through prior to my mother's death, this was absolutely the worst.

 

Yeah... :glare: My mother is always the victim, too. It varies between that and being completely helpless. Sigh.

[zaichiki]

Surviving a Borderline Parent

 

http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310000989&sr=8-1

 

Thanks! I've ILL'ed it.

[Denisemomof4]

 

I am overly critical of others (mostly myself though).

 

I feel my opinions do not matter and I am always trying to prove myself to others.

 

I will work to deserve affection from others. (volunteer too much, work longer, harder, faster than those around me)

 

I second guess every decison almost to the point of being immobile.

 

My brother and I are not close.

 

I won't do a project around her so that I can't be belittled.

 

I let others get the glory and usually fade into the background.

 

I sometimes wish she would die so I can have my own life.

 

I hate hate hate to accept help or gifts from others -My experience is the "cost "is too high. My neighbor (whom I love) once looked hurtfully at me and asked "WHy don't you just let me love you back?" (she was cooking dinner for us one night when I spent two hours mowing the lawn and was clearly tired.)

 

 

Lara

 

Lara, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: What a difficult road you have had to walk on. I'm so sorry!

 

I'm wondering if you're in your 40's yet. I struggled with much of the above but as I approached my 40's I realized that I really was a good person and didn't need to earn respect, approval, friendship, etc. I also learned by some really ROTTEN people that I don't always have to put myself out there, that I need to look out for myself first because nobody else would. Well, not really, but I had been taken advantage of SO MUCH in my life that by the time I approached my 40's, I was ALL ABOUT RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIPS ONLY. I was simply WORN OUT.

 

I am very happy now. I never really struggled with friends, it was friends who made my life when I didn't feel very loved as a child. My younger brother and father were extremely close, my older sister and mother were extremely close, and I was just sort of there. Alone. It was very painful for me all my life and then I got blessed with a husband who ADORES me and is wonderful beyond words, and with time, I learned to accept my painful past and move on.

 

One very important lesson I learned years ago was that I was robbing others of a blessing when I didn't allow them to help me as I'd helped them. I was selfish! I was so happy to help others, it made me feel good. Why wouldn't I allow that in return? I sometimes still struggle with this one but I'm so much better now.

 

I hope you are truly at peace now, and I hope you place HEALTHY boundaries around your relationship with your mother. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[sparrow]

I also recommend the book The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. I can't even begin to explain how much this book has helped me, and my husband (!), deal with my father with NPD. I'll never gain a *real* relationship with my father, because that's pretty much impossible, but it has helped me set up boundaries that I wasn't able to set up in the previous 41 years. If I keep my mouth shut, no matter what he says, no matter how hard it is, he can't escalate. I have the power. It's as simple as that. I have mourned the relationship we'll never have and I weep for his brokenness, but it can't hurt me any more.

 

Walking away isn't an option for me. I have mentioned in other threads, my father is the caretaker for my mother with Lewy Body dementia. I'm doing everything I can to keep her life stable.

 

I also wanted to bring up the holiday thing that so many of you have mentioned. What is up with that?! Christmas is my favorite holiday, yet there is always a bittersweet niggling feeling. It comes from all the years he tried his best to ruin it and the year he actually did. That was the year that I was 9 and he refused to open gifts. I remember Christmas coming and going. The tree coming down. The snow melting and spring coming. All the while, his little pile of gifts, including the handmade ones I made him, wrapped in homemade wrapping paper, sat in a corner of the living room. It hurt me so much to see them there. Finally, on a day in late March, he didn't say a word and sat down and opened them. I mean, what do you say at that point :confused:. It's really crappy that many of you have lousy holiday associations, too. I'm sorry for all of us. :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

DM alwaysd ruined holidays by expecting the holiday to be her version of perfect. Completely overdone and, in her later years (my DB's children's younger years) she demanded it be at her house. The nightmare is too much to explain. Needless to say I get highblood pressure the week before halloween and it doesn't go away until Martin Luther King day.

 

One year (I was 16?) we were at a relative's house and she didn't get something her way, she locked herself in a bedroom for HOURS, until I begged her to come out.

 

Eggshells people, can really cut your feet after awhile.

 

I, on the otherhand, detest the holdays--would prefer to skip them all together.

[~Amanda~]

DM alwaysd ruined holidays by expecting the holiday to be her version of perfect. Completely overdone and, in her later years (my DB's children's younger years) she demanded it be at her house. The nightmare is too much to explain. Needless to say I get highblood pressure the week before halloween and it doesn't go away until Martin Luther King day.

 

One year (I was 16?) we were at a relative's house and she didn't get something her way, she locked herself in a bedroom for HOURS, until I begged her to come out.

 

Eggshells people, can really cut your feet after awhile.

 

I, on the otherhand, detest the holdays--would prefer to skip them all together.

 

me too

[Carol in Cal.]

I still love the holidays, because my grandparents gave us lovely ones early on, and even though they are tainted by what happened after the GP's were gone (year after year after year), I still remember the good ones.

 

It was horrible to find out that my M had been essentially faking her values around them all those years, and would rather that I wasn't around, except when she wanted me to be sometimes at the last minute. Either way, the eternal verity was being wrong, totally wrong, completely utterly defined as wrong. Wrong to want to get together. Wrong to have made plans if she made a last minute invitation. Wrong to want to go to church on Christmas Eve at my own church (God forbid I had ever objected to going to ANY church service all through my childhood. But I digress.) Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

 

And, of course, I was not the ONLY one who was always wrong. That was actually pretty common. And the title 'wrongest' got passed around a bit, in the manner of a talking stick.

 

The smartest thing I ever did was to say when my DD was a baby, "I want to figure out our own family traditions now, for us." We have great ones!

 

But of course, I am WRONG. Always.

Edited July 7, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[Nakia]

My brother and I have been on a journey of discovery and healing with regards to our mother. I know that a lot of you on this board talk about how bad your relationship is with your mother and I felt you might like to hear about this.

 

My mother was confusing. I never knew what she expected from me because her expectations constantly changed.

 

Her memories were not the same as mine. I could remember something (I have a VERY good memory) and she would say it happened differently, or that the incident never happened at all. Either way it was always to her benefit.

 

I always felt like her "wife", I was always taking care of her--packing extra clothes when we went somewhere so she could borrow them. I cooked for her (to try and please her), my brother and I did all the housecleaning at an early age (7). She told us intimate details (inappropriate) of her life.

 

We never knew who was coming home at night (over the top happy or over the top angry mommy)

 

I have spent my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it usually does and when it does it is bad.

 

I've NEVER--not ONCE felt unconditional love from her.

 

My opinions were downplayed or ignored.

 

Punishments were over the top--we were once drug from bed in the middle of the night to pick up the entire contents of the game closet that wasn't put back correctly (I was 8-my brother was 13).

 

As I got older and grew more independent minded and started having accomplishments, she became highly critical and sometimes cruel with her remarks.

 

I would tell people about her and they would think I was the crazy one because everybody loves the her she shows the world. Even DH was warned by myself and my brother, but he never imagined how bad it could get.

 

She separated myself and my brother emotionally through manipulation and by pitting us against each other for her good graces.

 

 

 

 

This is how I have reacted to this childhood.

 

I have no girlfriends

 

I have a hard time trusting other's emotions (waiting for their "true" colors to show) and will often end relationships because I can't handle the stress of waiting for the "change".

 

I am overly critical of others (mostly myself though).

 

I feel my opinions do not matter and I am always trying to prove myself to others.

 

I will work to deserve affection from others. (volunteer too much, work longer, harder, faster than those around me)

 

I second guess every decison almost to the point of being immobile.

 

My brother and I are not close.

 

I won't do a project around her so that I can't be belittled.

 

I let others get the glory and usually fade into the background.

 

I sometimes wish she would die so I can have my own life.

 

I hate hate hate to accept help or gifts from others -My experience is the "cost "is too high. My neighbor (whom I love) once looked hurtfully at me and asked "WHy don't you just let me love you back?" (she was cooking dinner for us one night when I spent two hours mowing the lawn and was clearly tired.)

 

If you have ever seen the movie "Mommy Dearest" and thought, "huh that sounds like my life"

 

I remember watching Sally Field on ER a few years ago and thinking she was my mother's twin. I still cannot watch anything else she (SF) does (nor can my brother).

 

If this sounds like you, here is a VERY helpful book my brother bought me: Surviving a Borderline Parent.

 

We always said she was manic or narsisitic (sp?) but what she has is a borderline personality. There is name for it, I wasn't crazy.

 

IF you want to talk-I will listen. Just remember you don't have to live the way you have, you can change and change how you treat your parent (and not pass this on to your own children)

 

 

Lara

 

I haven't read the replies, but I wanted to say thank you for being so brave. I have a really...difficult relationship with my mother. It stinks. I have spent a lot of time over the last year or so evaluating the relationship and making changes. It's really hard, but it's worth it. Sometimes it's two steps forward, one step back, but we are surviving. Anyway, much love to you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[veggiegal]

Wow. Thank you so much for posting and sharing, as well as the book link. I read through every response and have tears in my eyes as I write this at the relief that others out there understand what I went through, and how it affects me to this day though I am always striving to make my life the way I want. But as others said, everything is a struggle when you have no idea what "normal" looks like.

 

I haven't ad contact with my mother in almost 10 years now; she has never interacted with my children in any way, not even sending birthday cards. Once I broke contact with her, she wrote a 7 page long (single-spaced and typed!) letter outlining her version of reality (roughly, she was a perfect Mom; I was a disaster) and then mailed it to ALL my relatives (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and all of the relatives on my hubby's side of the family. Now, interestingly, this tactic backfired, as I had 3 different groups of people get on the phone saying "Did you get this crazy letter from your mother yet? You DON'T need to read it. Don't read it---don't." I never did read, though hubby did. And it clarified for a lot of relatives why the drastic "no contact" step was taken by us.

 

Peace and healing to you, and keep striving to be a better parent for your kids. :grouphug:

[zaichiki]

she wrote a 7 page long (single-spaced and typed!) letter outlining her version of reality (roughly, she was a perfect Mom; I was a disaster) and then mailed it to ALL my relatives (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and all of the relatives on my hubby's side of the family.

 

Wow. How embarrassing! This totally sounds like something MY mother would do. :lol: Talk about proving that *she's* the crazy one, huh? ;)

[OnTheBrink]

Wow. Thank you so much for posting and sharing, as well as the book link. I read through every response and have tears in my eyes as I write this at the relief that others out there understand what I went through, and how it affects me to this day though I am always striving to make my life the way I want. But as others said, everything is a struggle when you have no idea what "normal" looks like.

 

I haven't ad contact with my mother in almost 10 years now; she has never interacted with my children in any way, not even sending birthday cards. Once I broke contact with her, she wrote a 7 page long (single-spaced and typed!) letter outlining her version of reality (roughly, she was a perfect Mom; I was a disaster) and then mailed it to ALL my relatives (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and all of the relatives on my hubby's side of the family. Now, interestingly, this tactic backfired, as I had 3 different groups of people get on the phone saying "Did you get this crazy letter from your mother yet? You DON'T need to read it. Don't read it---don't." I never did read, though hubby did. And it clarified for a lot of relatives why the drastic "no contact" step was taken by us.

 

Peace and healing to you, and keep striving to be a better parent for your kids. :grouphug:

 

When I told my mother I was moving out of the house, she took all my things and threw them out on her front lawn, then called the parents of my friends telling them what a whore I was and to keep their their children away from me as I was sure to lead their children into a life of degradation. Fortunately, no one listened to her at all and one friend's parents told me that if I ended up needing legal counsel, they'd help me with it. I was 19.

 

Two years ago, when I didn't visit her during my vacation, she hand-wrote me a 3 page diatribe about how mean and hurtful, dishonoring to her I am and that I'm not part of her family until God changes my heart. How she'll know God has changed my heart is a mystery to me. I've had no contact with her since that letter.

[veggiegal]

That was the ironic beauty of it from my perspective. My relatives knew there was something "off" about my Mom, but no amount of explaining from me could have justified (in their minds) cutting off contact. This letter did all my talking for me.

 

Back in the day when I was going to counseling , my therapist recommended the book Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back when Someone you Care About has Borderline Personality Disorder. I remember finding it helpful at the time. Off to put the book Lara recommended on hold at the library...

[Cassy]

:grouphug: Lara, I'm so sorry for all you've had to go through.

 

Thank you for posting this, it has helped me enormously. My mother was very similar to yours, not quite so extreme, but caused enough damage. She died 3 years ago, and while it has been liberating in a way not to have to deal with her anymore, there is a sadness in place of the anger, and the scars have still not healed. It's a terribly lonely place, thank you for reaching out to people like me.

 

Cassy

[G5052]

DM alwaysd ruined holidays by expecting the holiday to be her version of perfect. Completely overdone and, in her later years (my DB's children's younger years) she demanded it be at her house. The nightmare is too much to explain. Needless to say I get highblood pressure the week before halloween and it doesn't go away until Martin Luther King day.

 

One year (I was 16?) we were at a relative's house and she didn't get something her way, she locked herself in a bedroom for HOURS, until I begged her to come out.

 

Eggshells people, can really cut your feet after awhile.

 

I, on the otherhand, detest the holdays--would prefer to skip them all together.

 

The tantrums associated with every holiday were agony. I told DH that I never had a "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Birthday" until we got married. Over time I've come to look forward to and enjoy the holidays, but we don't live anywhere near relatives. Moving far away was a major step in my healing, although I was doing it for a job opportunity at the time.

[Melissa in NC]

Try googling Emotional Vampires. I had to drive a stake into my father.

[ereks mom]

We can and do move on and get better. I am glad you had the inner strength to figure this out.

 

I guess the purpose of this thread is to let others see their parent in mine and hopefully get some help and at the very least know they aren't alone and that others have parents like their's too.

My childhood affected my adulthood and I want to change the things I don't like about myself, but first I had to see that I wasn't crazy in thinking/feeling these things. Feeling like I cannot trust the people at church to like me for me isn't normal, it isn't them, it's me I can now work on learning to just be more open and trusting (just not with DM)

 

:grouphug: It sounds like you are making progress in the process of healing. I pray that you have strength for the journey and joy along the way.

[kchara]

DM alwaysd ruined holidays by expecting the holiday to be her version of perfect. Completely overdone and, in her later years (my DB's children's younger years) she demanded it be at her house. The nightmare is too much to explain. Needless to say I get highblood pressure the week before halloween and it doesn't go away until Martin Luther King day.

 

One year (I was 16?) we were at a relative's house and she didn't get something her way, she locked herself in a bedroom for HOURS, until I begged her to come out.

 

Eggshells people, can really cut your feet after awhile.

 

I, on the otherhand, detest the holdays--would prefer to skip them all together.

 

:iagree: Me too, completely. Especially about Christmas. Dad says that she was trying to make it perfect for us, but... she ended up completely ruining it. I hate holidays. DH and I are having now to make an extreme effort to do any sort of holiday and develop traditions with our kids. Even birthdays I hate to do.

[NCMom]

Yeah, I have that mom. :grouphug:

 

I have never had an enjoyable holiday in my entire life. My sisters and I lived through the suicide attempt, the constant, never ending fits because everything had to validate her at every moment of the day, the splitting, and the unremitting negativity. That's just the tip of the iceberg

 

Now it's a tiny bit different.

 

It's more...

gaslighting us

viscous little remarks said with a smile, the kind that are so hurtful that they take your breath away

constant drama

splitting

nonstop negativity, every moment of every day.

and yes, never a holiday that is bearable.

 

And she is fairly high functioning, :glare: although she cannot hold a job if she has co-workers she must interact with, has never in my memory had a friend for more than a year or so and alienated her entire extended family 20 years ago.

 

I think it is important to remember that a person with BPD does not live in the same reality that we do. They have the patterns of behavior that will not change. Also, it is rare for a person with true BPD to seek treatment because there is nothing wrong with them - it's always other people. You can't reason with that.

 

:grouphug: It's awful and she lives with us, lol.

 

Georgia

[Robyn]

viscous little remarks said with a smile, the kind that are so hurtful that they take your breath away

 

 

Ah yes, like when I quit smoking and went from a size 2 to a size 6 (I'm 5' 7", I'm not built to be smaller than an 8) and she said, "I always knew you'd end up being a big girl" with a smile of course. Now I'm a size 12 with major body image issues. Gee, I wonder why.

 

 

Holidays were always tough growing up. I have been able to learn to enjoy them since I've had my own children, but it was a process.