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Do constant problems cause people to ignore you?


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We're kind of in that situation. We're broke as dh is only working part-time. We're new in town too. Thankfully my parents are now close and we get along with them, ds adores(!!!!) them.

 

We have friends from when we lived in the area before, but we don't have gas money to go see them. They're busy, too busy to come up, and some of the others are broke too.

 

Honestly, without facebook and the internet I would feel deprived of human contact. We had new neighbors move in, but they're from here and younger. Dh and I are in the over 40 crowd, they aren't. I had a realization that they may think we are old (gasp!) and may not feel like we'd fit their social circle. So I decided we should reach out to the other neighbors, who appear older to me but in reality are only about 10 years older.

 

I don't know, I think some people just can't handle the struggles of others. :grouphug:

 

We're just going to keep plugging along and be friendly.

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No, I doubt it has to do with moving.

I know exactly what your talking about.

We never get invited to anything anymore either. No one wants to really do anything with us either. I've tried so much to invite people , go to a park anything.

Ever since my youngest was born people just disappeared. :>(

I'm finding myself drifting farther away from people, and I wish it weren't that way. But it seems as soon as life gets a little hard people bale on ya.

I don't think necessarily its out of sight out of mind. We literally are out and everywhere. I know lots of people but they don't know us.

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I'm lucky if I get ONE coffee date or whatever a year, these women seem to do something every day with one another. Of course I do work, and I have a special needs child, but I am a pretty open friendly person and I try to reach out to people. It's just never reciprocated. I get the "oh let's get together" thing constantly, but no follow-ups, and if I try to follow up, I get blown off. Politely, of course.

 

I'm beginning to see that if you haven't lived here for your entire life, like to get completely drunk off your noggin at every gathering, and have tons of money to blow on pedicures and coffee dates every day, then you're out of the loop. That sounds awful but it's what is going on.

 

There are at least two kinds of friendships: superficial, genuine. I live in an affluent town with so much superficiality that neighboring cities have tweaked our name in a way that plays on the word 'Hollywood' -- because that is the stereotype of our town. I don't doubt that there are true, deep friendships here but for the most part ... they're fleeting. Every divorce, job loss, and/or impending foreclosure substantiates this, and relationships change. They become too difficult because they require the participants to be stop functioning on autobot, and to really show they are vested in the friendship. It seems few relationships around here pass that test.

 

It may be that the cliques in your town are comfortable. They can run on autopilot, they don't have to take the time/energy to get to know you ... to expend time/energy letting you get to know them. People are so busy today that sometimes all they want (or think they can socially afford) are these superficial friendships that allow them to feel as though they're part of a community with minimal requirement of personal resources. It's having one's cake and eating it, too: the illusion of genuine friendships with only a superficial investment. Before they can let you in, they have to sniff your butt and make sure you're on the same page as they are; they're not looking for a new BFF or pseudo-sister. And not that you are either, but a common assumption is that new friendships have to evolve quickly into best friendships.

 

I don't know if this is true of your town, but it's not unusual. We can meet up at Starbucks every week, ***** about our husbands, discuss the latest beauty secrets, drool over the Pottery Barn catalog, and trade names of landscapers but heaven forbid we go much deeper than that. Even "close" friends can sometimes know so little about us because we're not ready to make ourselves vulnerable to them. Just something to think about, along the lines of "it's not you, it's me" ... or them, as the case may be. You work. You have a special needs child. These are "real" parts of your every day life that can't be swept up nicely into a tidy updo fit for the level of friendship they're desiring. Or maybe only think they're capable of at this time. You would change the group's dynamic, and with everyone fancying themselves super busy these days I wonder if these women simply don't think they have the time to get to know if you're a good fit for their group. It's easier to just assume no.

 

It's sad, and it's their loss. It's also assumable that you're not the only one on the sidelines -- maybe you're next friendship is around a different corner? I'm sorry you're being slighted. This is an issue close to my heart because for so long I didn't realize I was the one slighting others. I come from a large, close-knit family and my social circle has always been my family plus a handful of people who have known me since childhood. I didn't realize I was being "elitist" and "exclusive" (as my husband and his sister have said) to people trying to befriend me. I simply had a full dance card, wasn't looking, and didn't recognize when someone else was.

 

Friendships are as delicate a dance as are other (romantic) relationships. But that's what makes the good ones so very much worth it.

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Does your special needs child need constant supervision? Does s/he have episodes that might be somewhat scary to people who don't deal with them regularly (I mean things like seizures, physical outbursts, etc.)? If so, it may be that people are just intimidated by that because they don't understand his/her needs and issues.

 

Lastly... it is unfortunate, but true that there are many people who just won't take the time to socialize with someone who is different or who has different issues.

 

:iagree:

 

When it comes to having a child with special needs, outside people are often clueless and insensitive - sometimes even so uninformed they behave as if it's contagious :001_huh:

 

FWIW, if you find yourself on the flip-side of this type of scenario, let me just say with clarity....a Mom with a special needs child NEEDS more love, compassion and support - not less.

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....a Mom with a special needs child NEEDS more love, compassion and support - not less.

 

 

Absolutely.

 

We all live on this planet together -- every single different one of us -- and compassion is the one thing in this world that we cannot overdo. I fully believe that what goes around comes around. Spread the love around. If we could stop so much navel gazing and look up more often, we'd see some truly beautiful people out there in all their very different forms.

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Absolutely.

 

We all live on this planet together -- every single different one of us -- and compassion is the one thing in this world that we cannot overdo. I fully believe that what goes around comes around. Spread the love around. If we could stop so much navel gazing and look up more often, we'd see some truly beautiful people out there in all their very different forms.

 

 

That is beautiful.

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This is EXACTLY what happens to us. I'm lucky if I get ONE coffee date or whatever a year, these women seem to do something every day with one another.

 

I have a number of friends who get together on a regular basis (It may seem like every day, but it's not). They tend to call each other at the last minute and have lifestyles which make it comfortable for them to be spontaneous.

I like more notice, and they know that, so they don't call me for last minute things.

 

If your friends called you right now and asked you to meet them at the coffee shop in 30 minutes, would you go?

 

 

I'm beginning to see that if you haven't lived here for your entire life, like to get completely drunk off your noggin at every gathering, and have tons of money to blow on pedicures and coffee dates every day, then you're out of the loop. That sounds awful but it's what is going on.

 

Is is possible that your friends know how you feel about their chosen activities?

There is a woman who was one of my best friends when we were in our teens and 20s. Now in her 40s, she still goes out and gets drunk (DRUNK!) on weekends. She knows I have no interest in bar-hopping, so she wouldn't dream of inviting me.

Same with the gals who get together for pedicures (I'll polish my own nails, thankyouverymuch). They won't invite me to an activity that they know I don't care for.

You are upset to not have been invited, but you don't sound as if you approve of the things they chose to do. Maybe that is more clear to them than you imagine.

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" I am so sorry but most people do not want to accept that bad things do happen to good people. If they can pretend you do not exist they will not have to face the uncertainty that defines real life for all of us."

 

That pretty much sums up what I've been (not so successfully) trying to get across in this post. I think people here figure that our sad little problems will somehow rub off on them?

 

:grouphug:

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Absolutely.

 

We all live on this planet together -- every single different one of us -- and compassion is the one thing in this world that we cannot overdo. I fully believe that what goes around comes around. Spread the love around. If we could stop so much navel gazing and look up more often, we'd see some truly beautiful people out there in all their very different forms.

 

Lovely words, beautifully spoken :)

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