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I've been sitting here contemplating as I see what every single other person we know is doing for the Fourth - lots of fun stuff, none of which we are invited to. As usual. We have a lot of friends, at least I thought they were friends, but we never get invited anywhere, anytime.

 

I'm not whining. I'm seriously trying to figure this out. A couple of things that come to mind:

 

We have a special needs child. We can't just get a babysitter like most people can. That is not an option.

 

We have been through incredible struggles in the last few months: older son in mental ward for self-harm/depression/rage, husband constantly out of work, financial catastrophes, middle son in and out of the hospital for major issues.

 

No one we know has even come CLOSE to what we've gone through just in the last few months, let alone the last several years. We are generally positive people. I'm trying to figure out why we never get invited anywhere, included in anything. I'm wondering if it's the town we live in? The people we've made friends with? Or maybe constant problems just tend to turn people away?

 

This has been an ongoing problem ever since we moved to this town almost ten years ago, so I'm wondering maybe if it's the area we live in....just musing. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

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Wow, it sounds like you need your friends now more then ever. I'm sorry you are feeling so left out of the loop. The only thing I can think of is that perhaps they all think you have too much on your plate right now to be bothered with entertainment? It sounds like you have been through a lot recently. I have felt this from my friends in the past and I confronted them- and it was just that: they thought I wouldn't be interested because of everything that was going on. I'm glad I confronted them because they had no idea I was feeling rejected. It hasn't been a problem since.

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Just having a special needs child seems to be enough to do turn people off. :glare:

 

I have a dear family member whose life is very chaotic. Special needs adopted kiddo, always problems of some kind for them - medical, financial, what-have-you.... She ends up calling to cancel for most events or just not showing up, so everyone sees her as "flaky" and unreliable.

 

Sometimes I feel like she has enough on her plate and leave her alone because I don't want to add to her stress by issuing invitations that she ends up feeling bad about because she has to cancel or no-show. I have to always remind myself to reach out to her, because it never happens the other way.

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We have invited people, tried to make friendly with folks, always go out of our way to help people when they need it, etc.

 

And I would have no idea how to confront people on how they're not being good friends. No clue.

 

I really don't know how to handle this situation. I have no idea on how to make it better. I just know that I'm really tired of being on the outside looking in, and add that to all the problems we've had in the last year I'm just exhausted.

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:grouphug::grouphug:Sometimes I think it is more 'out of sight, out of mind'. We used to be invited everywhere and very involved but when our dd came to us very premature and we had to isolate ourselves, everyone seemed to forget us. Some of it I think was in the beginning the problems we were having. We had gone thru one adoption failure thanks to the girls having severe RAD and our not being warned about it and then we had to stay home to protect the health of the new child. I was stressed and probably more off putting than I realized. I wasn't up to date on current events, my son hadn't played with their kids much at all, and well, their lives moved on to a new direction where I had not been.

 

It has been a tough road and I understand the lonely.Just this weekend our dd4 was invited to her first ever birthday party. Another family remarked that they had not invited her to their dd's party because they thought she still had multiple health issues and couldn't be around people. I didn't realize people still thought that. I didn't realize that people needed me to stand up and say, "Hey, we are back on track and ready to socialize".

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I have 4 kids and I'm 28 so my BILs, friends our age don't have kids and many aren't married yet. They will often even say to us, "We would have invited you, but we do everything last minute and we knew you couldn't get a sitter."

 

Beyond that, I think people are a lot more uncomfortable with sadness and difficulty than they'd like to admit. Just reading this makes me so sorry for what you've been through and I think after a while, people really do run out of words to say and if they can't make it better, they just don't know what to say and it can be easier not to interact for a long afternoon that to gear oneself up to cheer someone up or to come up with words.

 

I doubt you expect that of anyone, but no doubt, they expect it of themselves and it stinks that you have to suffer and then be left out of the loop on top of it.

 

I agree with some PPs.... Go out and do something super fun and next year, maybe have people to your place or a park and don't do all the work!! Just have people bring sides and desserts and grill some burgers so you can get in on the action! :)

 

Hugs to you all today and happy 4th of July! :)

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Are people doing things with family? Because I have pretty much no family around here, but everyone else does. So, they already have standing invitations every holiday to be with their family. Since I have no family, I have no invitations.

 

That might not be the whole problem, but maybe it's part of it. Family trumps friends on holidays (in my experience.)

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Are people doing things with family? Because I have pretty much no family around here, but everyone else does. So, they already have standing invitations every holiday to be with their family. Since I have no family, I have no invitations.

 

That might not be the whole problem, but maybe it's part of it. Family trumps friends on holidays (in my experience.)

This is my experience too. There isn't a lot of friend stuff going on today, because everyone has a family day. I do too. Today will be the first time we do anything with friends on the 4th, because my good friend had most of her large family go out of town, so it's just her and her daughter. They're going to come to my parents' BBQ. But if it weren't for that, they'd be having their family BBQ and I'd be at mine.

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Family usually wins on holidays, and I can understand that. We have no family locally, so we usually do our own thing although this year is an exception.

 

We've learned over the years who our true, thick-and-thin friends are because they ignore our circumstances and have us over anyway, and we've done the same with folks who are disabled, have family in the hospital, job loss, in the middle of chemo, etc. etc. We know that going to someone's house for a simple meal and fellowship can be a great encouragement during hard times, so we try to help people that way when we can. Take this time as a lesson and turn it around to help others. :grouphug:

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I am in your shoes! What hurts the most is that these are people that we were close friends with back when we were newly married. They are still close with each other, but we are left out. They are church friends and if I don't go up to them and start a conversation, I would never talk to them. We also have a special needs child and all their children are "perfect" (I know they're not, but that's how they portray it).

 

I love 4th of July and am always so hurt when we are left out, so I now make plans for the day. Today we are having family (dad, step-mom, sister, BIL) over. We're going to grill. Since we can't do fireworks here at home (burn ban), we may drive out to some tonight.

 

I have finally decided to give up on these people and look for friends elsewhere. We may actually change churches over it as well. It is just too painful.

 

Figure out a way to make the day special and concentrate on your family. It's hard, but you will be glad that you did.

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For me - probably. My problems are different from yours, though.

 

DH and I are polar opposites and neither of us feels comfortable in each other's social circle. It makes for difficult socialization. We are also in an area with very little family so we don't have that to fall back on.

 

There are other reasons but I think this is the biggest one.

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Are people doing things with family? Because I have pretty much no family around here, but everyone else does. So, they already have standing invitations every holiday to be with their family. Since I have no family, I have no invitations.

 

That might not be the whole problem, but maybe it's part of it. Family trumps friends on holidays (in my experience.)

:iagree: My two really good friends that I would want to invite over or want to be invited to their house both have giant families in town. I have met all their family and feel comfortable, etc, but it's awkward to be invited to someone else's family thing. They pretty much always have standing plans for holidays.

 

:grouphug:

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I'm so sorry. That must hurt. I do want to say when you suggest that no one has been through what you've been through this year--don't be so quick to assume that. Many of us are going through stuff you simply can't see. Yeah, we have perfect-looking children, but under the surface...

 

:iagree:

 

We all have our challenges. The last year has been insanely difficult for my family, but most people do't know it.

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Do you live in the south? Seriously. I swear this isn't meant to offend any southerners it is just my experience.

 

We have lived here for 6 years and I thought I had made friends too and yet those people never contact me anymore or invited us anywhere. My dd was involved in a group and when she dropped out it was like they took offense to it and quit contacting me. Even after I emailed them.

 

So I don't know that it is you really, more of a clique thing. It seems really hard to be in a new place now a days.

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It never occurred to me to hope to be invited to something for the 4th or many other holidays either. I guess if I wanted a social time I would invite some people over myself. Or - as we are planning to do later, we are going to join an impersonal crowd to watch the fireworks - lots of rubbing elbows with other people, most of them (if not all) strangers to us. I'm sorry that you're feeling left out. :grouphug:

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When I moved out of my 'familial' neighborhood, invites to anything became far and few between. Even after 8 years where we were-we didn't have any new friends but our very loyal 'old' friends.

 

It seems that people aren't so willing to make friends these days, or that could be totally romanticizing things, but that's the way it seems.

 

BUT, now that I'm back in the 'old' neighborhood, we have friends around all the time asking us out. Esp if you have had a rough patch, living by people that know you and can help-though you may have lived there 10 years, that's still kinda stranger basis.

 

I think there really is something to not moving far from where you were born.

Edited by justamouse
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Bless your heart. Go out with your family and make your own fun. Their loss.

 

That's what I was thinking. We're having a quieter weekend here too but we could've done more. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, but little things can make a nice difference. On Saturday, I called an old friend and asked their family over, she was so thrilled that we'd thought to call. Maybe reach out to someone you'd like to see?

 

We're watching our way through LOTR these evenings and we'll watch some fireworks later, before that have a small bbq and read through a few things that make this "Independence Day." Yesterday after church, we invited a couple over that we haven't seen for a long time -- just coffee/tea, but the kids got excited and made cookies. Then we went for a swim. We're cleaning out things to donate for a couple camps etc.

 

Do you have fireworks celebrations or movies in the park? Take a walk in the park or arboretum? Play some catch together?

 

I have to remind myself sometimes that I can pick up the phone too, when I'm feeling left out. You may just be very pleasantly surprised by the reaction at the other end.... hope so.

:grouphug:

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I don't know anyone who socializes with friends unless they are single or married without children. The rest are just doing family things.

 

How do you know about these wonderful things your aren't invited to? Why would someone tell you about something that you aren't invited to? I think that is kind of rude.

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Do you live in the south? Seriously. I swear this isn't meant to offend any southerners it is just my experience.

 

We have lived here for 6 years and I thought I had made friends too and yet those people never contact me anymore or invited us anywhere. My dd was involved in a group and when she dropped out it was like they took offense to it and quit contacting me. Even after I emailed them.

 

So I don't know that it is you really, more of a clique thing. It seems really hard to be in a new place now a days.

 

 

I was just about to ask this. :glare: We live in a small town in the south. We have been here for over 7 years. The girls are in several activities, but we can't seem to actually make friends with anyone. It's extremely frustrating.

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We have never lived close to family, so 'picnic holidays' (like the 4th) are always up in the air. We've spent some of them alone - which I don't mind, but it really makes my husband feel depressed. He loves a good picnic. ;)

 

So, we started initiating plans with people ahead of time. We target a family and ask them a few weeks before hand "Do you have plans for the 4th? Do you want to do something together?"

So far, that seems to be working.

It helps to find out who else doesn't have family nearby, and then you can create a 'holiday team'. :D

 

I honestly think that most people get caught up in their own family traditions and don't realize that some of us are being left out in the cold.

 

:grouphug:

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How do you know about these wonderful things your aren't invited to? Why would someone tell you about something that you aren't invited to? I think that is kind of rude.

 

I'm not the OP but I learn about them through Facebook, casual conversation, etc. I don't think people announce social engagements with the intent of being rude.

 

What irks my tatter are the people who post things like this on FB - "Wow, it's only Sat afternoon and I am so tired. We went to a bbq last night (thanks, Bob and Joan - had a blast), one this afternoon (thanks Mary and Dave - had a great time in the pool), have one this evening (looking forward to it Smith family) and still have Sunday and Monday to get through. "

 

or they update their status like -

Mary Smith is at County Country Club with Joan Davis, Wilma Flinstone and Betty Rubble.

 

then two hours later -

Mary Smith is eating the best bbq chicken with Wonder woman, Bat Girl and the Wonder Twins.

 

--

 

Maybe I spend too much time on FB.....

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So, we started initiating plans with people ahead of time. We target a family and ask them a few weeks before hand "Do you have plans for the 4th? Do you want to do something together?"

So far, that seems to be working.

It helps to find out who else doesn't have family nearby, and then you can create a 'holiday team'. :D

 

:grouphug:

 

This is what we do, especially because we're in the military and have never lived close to family. I'm already asking friends (casually) about Thanksgiving!

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my son is special needs and we also do not do things with friends. Dh has a large extended family in this area. They all grew up here and none have moved away. They are all ages and get along great (even went on a big cruise together once). We get together with extended family a lot but like I said never with friends. Dh sometimes says he wants to move to Florida, dc and I say no way will we leave the family.

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IDK. I have always found that when I really click with someone we make time to get together and we both look forward to it. The problem, if it is really a problem, is that I don't feel like I really click with a whole lot of people. Oh well.

 

My dh is very social; he's off down the street chatting with our neighbors right now. They have all been drinking and grilling all day and the drinking just isn't my thing; plus, they are all much older than us and their kids are all grown, so we don't have a ton in common. My dh can make friends with anyone though. Sometimes I wish I were more like that.

 

Do you really feel like you have clicked with all of these friends? In that case, I would be hurt by the lack of invitations.

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It really may be the family thing. Almost everyone I know around me is doing something with family this weekend. We've occasionally invited people who we know don't have family in the area, but sometimes we are just busy and stressed ourselves and don't think about it. It's not an intentional slight, or that we don't care anymore about our friends, we've just decided to have a weekend with family.

 

 

Also, I second the thought that many people mentioned about doing the inviting yourselves. It would be silly to be upset about never being invited to things if you never invited other people either.

 

 

Regardless, :grouphug: - I hope you enjoy your holiday weekend no matter the plans!

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I was just about to ask this. :glare: We live in a small town in the south. We have been here for over 7 years. The girls are in several activities, but we can't seem to actually make friends with anyone. It's extremely frustrating.

 

Just for balance. . . I moved here from the south, been here 16 years and except for dh's family/childhood friends we still don't know 'new' people. Some of it was for 12 years we were pregnant and had toddlers, just easier to hang with the familiar. Now that that isn't an issue I think it's been more of a "I don't know how to make friends" My friends have always been 'ready made.' Now I'm in a place where I need to actually reach out and I'm having to learn that skill. I think pp's have been on track, invite someone over to your house. Be the first to make that move. Sorry you've been feeling left out.

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I've been sitting here contemplating as I see what every single other person we know is doing for the Fourth - lots of fun stuff, none of which we are invited to. As usual. We have a lot of friends, at least I thought they were friends, but we never get invited anywhere, anytime.

 

I'm not whining. I'm seriously trying to figure this out. A couple of things that come to mind:

 

We have a special needs child. We can't just get a babysitter like most people can. That is not an option.

 

We have been through incredible struggles in the last few months: older son in mental ward for self-harm/depression/rage, husband constantly out of work, financial catastrophes, middle son in and out of the hospital for major issues.

 

No one we know has even come CLOSE to what we've gone through just in the last few months, let alone the last several years. We are generally positive people. I'm trying to figure out why we never get invited anywhere, included in anything. I'm wondering if it's the town we live in? The people we've made friends with? Or maybe constant problems just tend to turn people away?

 

This has been an ongoing problem ever since we moved to this town almost ten years ago, so I'm wondering maybe if it's the area we live in....just musing. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

 

Short answer: Yes. Constant problems in your life will give a general vibe that you're not available for entertainment. Additionally, any ONE of the problems you have (let alone in combination) will generally make people think entertainment is not a high priority for you. I've known friends who fall out of my "circle" for lesser things. It's not that anyone is trying to shun them, it's just that, for example, if we're all going to a nice restaurant, we're not going to invite "Betty." We know she's in dire financial straits, so why put her in that position?

 

When my youngest was a baby, I couldn't really leave him with a babysitter. I didn't have a good babysitter "on call" and he had issues that I felt were just too much to foist on a young teen. So we didn't get to go to some things during that time and there was a "circle" of people who dropped us off their invite list. It happens that way naturally. They knew I was going to say, "Sorry, I have issues with M and I can't just head out easily...I would love to, but it's not working for me right now," so they stopped inviting. The only way to get back on that invite "circle" is to do a lot of the planning and entertainment, so I can get back in that loop.

 

 

We have invited people, tried to make friendly with folks, always go out of our way to help people when they need it, etc.

 

And I would have no idea how to confront people on how they're not being good friends. No clue.

 

I really don't know how to handle this situation. I have no idea on how to make it better. I just know that I'm really tired of being on the outside looking in, and add that to all the problems we've had in the last year I'm just exhausted.

 

I'm glad you have no clue, because this is a Never Do. My sister went crazy on me with this exact accusation one time and believe me, there is nothing in a conversation like that that will drive someone to want to invite you more! I even said to her explicitly, "Do you really want someone to do more things with you because you shamed them into it?" I would ask you the same thing. Even if you could discover some nice way of saying it, do you really want someone to start inviting you more because you brow-beat them into it? Isn't there something fundamentally unfriendly about someone telling you that you don't meet their friend needs adequately? Are friends supposed to serve you?

 

When my sister attacked me in this way, I can tell you, her perceptions were WAY off. She perceived me as always having dinners and parties, etc. with my in-laws. It is true that I spend a lot of time around my ILs, but it's not because I'm driving all this partying and dining. Some things were standard in place since before I was even a family member. Others where planned by other family members.

 

Is it possible that your perception of what people are doing without you is skewed? And how do you speak/behave when you are invited?

 

It never occurred to me to hope to be invited to something for the 4th or many other holidays either. I guess if I wanted a social time I would invite some people over myself. Or - as we are planning to do later, we are going to join an impersonal crowd to watch the fireworks - lots of rubbing elbows with other people, most of them (if not all) strangers to us. I'm sorry that you're feeling left out. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Having friends is honestly a lot of work. I wouldn't make a habit of looking around at what other people are doing and comparing it with what you're doing in such a way that it's just bringing you down. It makes you sound high-maintenance, which is not appealing and will not draw invitations your way. If your goal is to extend good times, fun and love outward, it will definitely come back.

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Yes, I think they do.

 

While I read here about people's "best friends", I have found that as I age, I have fewer and fewer frank friends. I have people I could call on if I needed them, but I don't generally need them. I have people who call me (e.g. an LPN I worked with called when her long lost sister showed up on her door step strung out on drugs, no money, no insurance, what should she do -- it turns out it wasn't drugs you go through physical withdrawal from), and I am honored by that, but we don't get together at all. I am busy, they are busy. The world my parents lived in, with couples over for cards, and yearly "open houses" with silver coffee servers and china cups is lost to my busy life.

 

Is that too bad? Perhaps, but OTOH, I homeschool. My mother wouldn't have had time for the antiquing and entertaining if she'd homeschooled.

 

:grouphug: It is summer. Can you invite some people over for a cookout?

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I use to think that we didn't get invited because of the fact that we only had my husband's children 1/2 time, mine and ours (2 kids) the rest of the time. Perhaps we didn't put on enough things to help us not smell? Did we laugh too loud?

But, I look at my parents and they are kind, loveable people. My dad taught Sunday School that became so large they had to move classrooms. But, out of 3 years of teaching, they were invited over once. My mom asked for help one time, and only one person offered to help.

And yes, they asked people in the church directory, one couple a week... down the list. I think that's how they got their one invite...

My mom also hosted a tea, and ladies came over and seemed like they had a lovely time. But, no one has hosted another one...

I'm starting a new co-op and I'm kinda thinking "Could it be, perhaps they'll be some friendships that I could kindle, if I'd make the effort?"

Out of my last group, I had quite a few people that I was friendly with; one that I actually did things with, but once the group was over.... well.... there's just no getting together.

We've been here about 10 years, and I just kinda was thinking that we're in an area that is too settled. Mind you, I have plenty of acquaintances, just not a lot of real friends. :(

It's the whole... try, try again :) And... know you're not alone :(

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Just some thoughts... none of which may apply to your situation, but I thought I'd throw 'em out there anyway.

 

Is it a small town? If so, 10 years is nothing to a lot of small town people. You'll find some that, if they haven't known your momma since she was in diapers, then they don't socialize with you. They will be friendly, but you won't be invited over. It can be really, really challenging to break that barrier and to be honest, I haven't been able to do it with many people even though I've been in this town 15+ years. My philosophy on that is that if they needed a complete DNA work up in order to call me a friend, then it's their loss and I don't need a friend who is that scrutinous anyway.

 

Does your special needs child need constant supervision? Does s/he have episodes that might be somewhat scary to people who don't deal with them regularly (I mean things like seizures, physical outbursts, etc.)? If so, it may be that people are just intimidated by that because they don't understand his/her needs and issues. For these people, perhaps it would be best to start by inviting them over to your place first. I don't know if you already do this or not, but it can be a chance for you to enlighten them about your family.

 

Lastly... it is unfortunate, but true that there are many people who just won't take the time to socialize with someone who is different or who has different issues. There are many who will shy away from those who are having hard times. I wonder sometimes if it is because they look at a person who is going through strife and are afraid they could be / could have been that person. I don't think there is anything you can do to change those people's minds. But, you should know that their fear isn't really about you. It is a failing in themselves.

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Does your special needs child need constant supervision? Does s/he have episodes that might be somewhat scary to people who don't deal with them regularly (I mean things like seizures, physical outbursts, etc.)? If so, it may be that people are just intimidated by that because they don't understand his/her needs and issues.

 

And can't think of a polite way to ask.

 

Rosie

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I don't know anyone who socializes with friends unless they are single or married without children. The rest are just doing family things.

 

How do you know about these wonderful things your aren't invited to? Why would someone tell you about something that you aren't invited to? I think that is kind of rude.

 

Facebook. Which has become more of a curse than a blessing. It's difficult to see the constant get-togethers of people that we've had over to our house multiple times and never been reciprocated. I've started just taking people off my wall because it's painful and I don't need the reminder of being an outsider.

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When I moved out of my 'familial' neighborhood, invites to anything became far and few between. Even after 8 years where we were-we didn't have any new friends but our very loyal 'old' friends.

 

It seems that people aren't so willing to make friends these days, or that could be totally romanticizing things, but that's the way it seems.

 

BUT, now that I'm back in the 'old' neighborhood, we have friends around all the time asking us out. Esp if you have had a rough patch, living by people that know you and can help-though you may have lived there 10 years, that's still kinda stranger basis.

 

I think there really is something to not moving far from where you were born.

 

 

 

We've been here ten years. I think it's a clique-y kind of thing, honestly. we're looking to move back closer to family, but that could take a while.

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I'm not the OP but I learn about them through Facebook, casual conversation, etc. I don't think people announce social engagements with the intent of being rude.

 

What irks my tatter are the people who post things like this on FB - "Wow, it's only Sat afternoon and I am so tired. We went to a bbq last night (thanks, Bob and Joan - had a blast), one this afternoon (thanks Mary and Dave - had a great time in the pool), have one this evening (looking forward to it Smith family) and still have Sunday and Monday to get through. "

 

or they update their status like -

Mary Smith is at County Country Club with Joan Davis, Wilma Flinstone and Betty Rubble.

 

then two hours later -

Mary Smith is eating the best bbq chicken with Wonder woman, Bat Girl and the Wonder Twins.

 

--

 

Maybe I spend too much time on FB.....

 

This is EXACTLY what happens to us. I'm lucky if I get ONE coffee date or whatever a year, these women seem to do something every day with one another. Of course I do work, and I have a special needs child, but I am a pretty open friendly person and I try to reach out to people. It's just never reciprocated. I get the "oh let's get together" thing constantly, but no follow-ups, and if I try to follow up, I get blown off. Politely, of course.

 

I'm beginning to see that if you haven't lived here for your entire life, like to get completely drunk off your noggin at every gathering, and have tons of money to blow on pedicures and coffee dates every day, then you're out of the loop. That sounds awful but it's what is going on.

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It really may be the family thing. Almost everyone I know around me is doing something with family this weekend. We've occasionally invited people who we know don't have family in the area, but sometimes we are just busy and stressed ourselves and don't think about it. It's not an intentional slight, or that we don't care anymore about our friends, we've just decided to have a weekend with family.

 

 

Also, I second the thought that many people mentioned about doing the inviting yourselves. It would be silly to be upset about never being invited to things if you never invited other people either.

 

 

Regardless, :grouphug: - I hope you enjoy your holiday weekend no matter the plans!

 

 

 

We've repeatedly invited people. MANY times. We are turned down, or they have other plans, or they just don't show up. I, personally, have invited women for coffee dates, etc., and I am politely but firmly blown off, ignored, or stood up.

 

I know that to get good friends you have to be a good friend. Maybe I just don't know how to do that. Everyone seems to want to be our friends, but when push comes to shove (like inviting us anywhere, etc.) nothing happens. We've done everything we know how to do on our end.

 

I think tragedy also tends to turn people away. And we've had a lot of tragedy in our lives. People just don't know how to relate.

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I've been sitting here contemplating as I see what every single other person we know is doing for the Fourth - lots of fun stuff, none of which we are invited to. As usual. We have a lot of friends, at least I thought they were friends, but we never get invited anywhere, anytime.

 

I'm not whining. I'm seriously trying to figure this out. A couple of things that come to mind:

 

We have a special needs child. We can't just get a babysitter like most people can. That is not an option.

 

We have been through incredible struggles in the last few months: older son in mental ward for self-harm/depression/rage, husband constantly out of work, financial catastrophes, middle son in and out of the hospital for major issues.

 

No one we know has even come CLOSE to what we've gone through just in the last few months, let alone the last several years. We are generally positive people. I'm trying to figure out why we never get invited anywhere, included in anything. I'm wondering if it's the town we live in? The people we've made friends with? Or maybe constant problems just tend to turn people away?

 

This has been an ongoing problem ever since we moved to this town almost ten years ago, so I'm wondering maybe if it's the area we live in....just musing. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

 

:grouphug: I remember asking myself the same thing when my brother died from suicide, my husband's law firm imploded etc.all in the same year. Most people treated us as if our bad luck was contagious. I will never forget. I have forgiven but will never forget those who gave dh a place to relocate his practice, those who helped me clean up the suicide site so the house could be sold etc. I am so sorry but most people do not want to accept that bad things do happen to good people. If they can pretend you do not exist they will not have to face the uncertainty that defines real life for all of us. This makes me just sad for them as they know better and surely should feel like s***heels for treating other people so cruelly. I can say this though, there are many, many people here who would enjoy your family's company so long as you can deal with them.:lol: Truly I have been there and have sworn to never, ever treat someone else with such dismissiveness and disregard. It is wrong.

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This is EXACTLY what happens to us. I'm lucky if I get ONE coffee date or whatever a year, these women seem to do something every day with one another. Of course I do work, and I have a special needs child, but I am a pretty open friendly person and I try to reach out to people. It's just never reciprocated. I get the "oh let's get together" thing constantly, but no follow-ups, and if I try to follow up, I get blown off. Politely, of course.

 

I'm beginning to see that if you haven't lived here for your entire life, like to get completely drunk off your noggin at every gathering, and have tons of money to blow on pedicures and coffee dates every day, then you're out of the loop. That sounds awful but it's what is going on.

 

Come to Iowa. I do not drink, or have pedicures and prefer my own coffee. I like to read, play cards, swear like a sailor if the occasion calls for it and of late have been chasing possums away from our garbage cans with a slingshot. I have darn good aim thanks to the encroaching river chasing the animals to higher ground. And I believe in baked goods. Can we hang???:lol:

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:grouphug: I remember asking myself the same thing when my brother died from suicide, my husband's law firm imploded etc.all in the same year. Most people treated us as if our bad luck was contagious. I will never forget. I have forgiven but will never forget those who gave dh a place to relocate his practice, those who helped me clean up the suicide site so the house could be sold etc. I am so sorry but most people do not want to accept that bad things do happen to good people. If they can pretend you do not exist they will not have to face the uncertainty that defines real life for all of us. This makes me just sad for them as they know better and surely should feel like s***heels for treating other people so cruelly. I can say this though, there are many, many people here who would enjoy your family's company so long as you can deal with them.:lol: Truly I have been there and have sworn to never, ever treat someone else with such dismissiveness and disregard. It is wrong.

 

 

Thank you for sharing this. This was an encouragement to me, and I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like an amazing person. :grouphug:

 

Especially this:

 

" I am so sorry but most people do not want to accept that bad things do happen to good people. If they can pretend you do not exist they will not have to face the uncertainty that defines real life for all of us."

 

That pretty much sums up what I've been (not so successfully) trying to get across in this post. I think people here figure that our sad little problems will somehow rub off on them?

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Come to Iowa. I do not drink, or have pedicures and prefer my own coffee. I like to read, play cards, swear like a sailor if the occasion calls for it and of late have been chasing possums away from our garbage cans with a slingshot. I have darn good aim thanks to the encroaching river chasing the animals to higher ground. And I believe in baked goods. Can we hang???:lol:

 

 

LOL!! You betcha! And I, too, believe in baked goods!! :tongue_smilie:

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We've repeatedly invited people. MANY times. We are turned down, or they have other plans, or they just don't show up. I, personally, have invited women for coffee dates, etc., and I am politely but firmly blown off, ignored, or stood up.

 

I know that to get good friends you have to be a good friend. Maybe I just don't know how to do that. Everyone seems to want to be our friends, but when push comes to shove (like inviting us anywhere, etc.) nothing happens. We've done everything we know how to do on our end.

 

I think tragedy also tends to turn people away. And we've had a lot of tragedy in our lives. People just don't know how to relate.

 

I have no idea if this is a factor but here in Nova Scotia there's this thing called a CFA. It's a person who Comes-From-Away to live in NS. My mom was one. They often find it VERY hard here socially because community roots are so deep here. Someone's father's, father's, father was the grandson of old William McSomethingorother who came over from Scotland. People have friendships that run back to elementary school and TONS of family ties.

 

So they already have full social calenders. Newer members to a community often feel left out and lost. And it's not exclusion but that the others in the community have already got their social slots full. They often don't even realize others are feeling isolated. My husband's family is a classic example of this. I have more of the CFA view because of Mom and because my dad's folk are from a different part of the province from where we grew up so we were always the CFAs in a way.

 

As I said, I have no idea if this is true for you and where you live but it may not be you at all. It may just be people with a full complement of friends who think you probably have your own group. Like my husband's family they must assume you're in the same situation they are.

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No one we know has even come CLOSE to what we've gone through just in the last few months, let alone the last several years. We are generally positive people. I'm trying to figure out why we never get invited anywhere, included in anything. I'm wondering if it's the town we live in? The people we've made friends with? Or maybe constant problems just tend to turn people away?

 

 

 

I know I am coming to the discussion late. I tried to look through the thread but forgive me if this has already been addressed.

 

I do not know you and the only information I have is the information in your post but as gently as I can I would ask you to re-look at the bolded statement. You can not know this 100%.

 

This may not apply to you, but in my experience with my friends some of the quietest people have some of the hardest battles.

 

Again, this is just my experience but I recently gave up on what was once a close relationship after too many statements about how lucky I was and how hard she had it (husband's job related stress). It may have only been because of my recent experience with her, but your bolded statement sent up a small 'alert' flag.

 

I hope your friendships work out and that you find the right people for you.

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