Jean in Newcastle Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 (edited) I have a friend whom I love dearly. We have been friends for 26 years. I have not heard from her in 12 months. She has been busy and stressed with two boys with RAD - one of them severe. She has also been working night shift. She didn't initiate a lot of the contact due to those circumstances but always seemed very happy to hear from me. She has also leaned on me and confided in me a lot over the years. 12 months ago, I had tried my usual contacting of her and because of her schedule was not able to reach her. I left a message. Over the next 2 weeks I left 6 messages - some with a family member who answered the phone, some on voice mail. One was a birthday call, wishing her Happy Birthday. None were returned. At this point, I decided to just stop calling and wait for her to call. She didn't. A couple months after this, I went through a very difficult time physically and was unable to call her or anyone else. At Christmas time I contacted close friends and family by mail, including her and let them know some of my health situation. Many people contacted me to let me know that they were praying for me. I did not hear from her. I've felt sick about this but I've let it go. Now her birthday is coming up again. Would it be terrible if I sent her a card and included a note that I miss her and would love to hear from her? I have a lot of emotions surrounding our friendship and the last 12 months - confusion, sadness, hurt, anger. I've backed off because I don't want to pursue someone who wants to move on or (what I think might more be the case) ask too much of someone who has been pretty burned out in her own life. Edited June 24, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 No, that would not be terrible. She will be free to respond or not as she needs or wants to. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonibee Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I would send a card again this year. Your friend may feel bad every time she thinks of you, for the neglect of the friendship that she has allowed to happen for whatever reason. In that case, she might be thrilled to have the opportunity to talk to you again. She can respond or ignore your card at her choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I think it would be very nice to send her a card and, as you said, mention that you love and miss her. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I would send a card again this year. Your friend may feel bad every time she thinks of you, for the neglect of the friendship that she has allowed to happen for whatever reason. In that case, she might be thrilled to have the opportunity to talk to you again. She can respond or ignore your card at her choice. :iagree: And I'm sorry about you going through this! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 If it were me I would send a card, I would know that way that I'd done everything I could to let her know I still care. I don't think it could be construed as putting pressure on her. I'm always delighted to receive birthday cards from anyone. It might make her feel a bit guilty; it might also make her feel loved and incredibly lucky to have a friend who never gives up on her no matter what - at least that's how I'd feel about it. :grouphug: Sorry you're feeling so sad about this. Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 You have been friends for 26 years? Err on the side of kindess, then, and send the card. Just my $.02. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I love that you would want to send her a card. It touches me. I have neglected friendships over the years and always appreciate being given another opportunity to connect, another chance, especially when its been a good friend. Isn't that a part of friendship? I haven't always been a good friend and I really appreciate it when other people are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I would send the card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 She might have pushed people out of her life because of difficulties she's going through. I've seen people dealing with depression or health issues or even serious family issues that pull away from everyone. Until you find out that she has a problem with you specifically, or unless you know that she's in contact with other friends, I would assume she might like to hear from you still. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 She might have pushed people out of her life because of difficulties she's going through. I've seen people dealing with depression or health issues or even serious family issues that pull away from everyone. Until you find out that she has a problem with you specifically, or unless you know that she's in contact with other friends, I would assume she might like to hear from you still. :iagree: Send the card and note. And, aren't you nice!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Send the card, and give her grace on this one. It sounds like her life is unbearably intense and she may literally not have the capacity to respond. I'd bet she appreciates any kind thoughts or messages. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 :iagree: yes send a card.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Send the card. I know that I tend to shut people out when my own life is going through rough patches, but it doesn't mean I don't care. She may be going through something similar and would still love to hear from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I would send her the card. If she has been going through a rough time herself, she may not have the energy to respond like she used too. 26 years is a long time :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LND1218 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I have been that friend. It's hard when you feel so overwhelmed that you can't keep up relationships. In fact, I am just this week coming out of the overwhelmingness of my life! (Is that a word?) I finally had to let go of a job I was doing to help make ends meet to get my life back. RAD is tough - especially with one being severe. Working night shift makes it hard to keep up with things because it's a different schedule from everyone else. The friendships that survived that time are the ones who understood. I just talked to a dear friend yesterday after not talking to her for more than 12 months. And she was so gracious and didn't make me feel bad for not calling her back the last time she called. Send her a card and a note! Is it possible she is struggling with depression? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Send the card. I have a friend who has a very difficult life (myriad of health issues, young child with a rare disorder who requires frequent hospitalization, financial issues, and now facing divorce initiated by her husband). We lose touch frequently - sometimes for a year or more - because she (like your friend) doesn't call back. I keep trying to make contact every month or so. The last time we connected was in February of this year - she needed someone to be there for her and I was able to accompany her to a consultation with a lawyer about her divorce. She was so glad to have someone there, and told me how much she appreciated that. I haven't been able to get in touch with her since. Your friend will likely appreciate the card (even if she doesn't let you know that). You may be the only person in her life that continues to make the effort, and that can make all the difference for her. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 She might have pushed people out of her life because of difficulties she's going through. I've seen people dealing with depression or health issues or even serious family issues that pull away from everyone. Until you find out that she has a problem with you specifically, or unless you know that she's in contact with other friends, I would assume she might like to hear from you still. :iagree::iagree::iagree:I've worked hard not to avoid social situations due to my RAD dd. It's typical for moms like your friend and I to avoid friends and social gatherings because of all we're going through, exhaustion, depression, etc. I have found that recently I am backing off more and more, and I really need to try hard to stop that. I'm just so tired of it all that it's just EASIER to become a hermit crab. Your friend could be going through many emotions that she can't share with you or anyone else due to her difficult life. I would send her the card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I would send the card. I have a dear friend I have known since high school who was similarly distant and unresponsive. It lasted for almost 3 years, during which time I continued to call every 6 months or so and leave her a message just to let her know I missed her. Then one day she called out of the blue because she had been admitted to the hospital due to suicidal ideation. She said she didn't know who else to call, but she knew she could call me because I had always been there for her. All I was able to help with were practical things like taking care of her dog and bringing her clothes in the hospital, but she said it helped. Since then she has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is in treatment and is finding herself again, and I have my friend back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 Send the card. How can she not appreciate it once she receives it? Even if it is the worst case scenario and she wanted to move on, your card would remind her that you are a loyal and faithful friend despite the amount of time that has passed. I hope she responds.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 I have been that friend. It's hard when you feel so overwhelmed that you can't keep up relationships. In fact, I am just this week coming out of the overwhelmingness of my life! (Is that a word?) I finally had to let go of a job I was doing to help make ends meet to get my life back. RAD is tough - especially with one being severe. Working night shift makes it hard to keep up with things because it's a different schedule from everyone else. The friendships that survived that time are the ones who understood. I just talked to a dear friend yesterday after not talking to her for more than 12 months. And she was so gracious and didn't make me feel bad for not calling her back the last time she called. Yes, this. Please don't give up on her. I have also been in a place where all my energy was being used up just to survive each day. I am SO GRATEFUL for the friends who did not give up on me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 She might have pushed people out of her life because of difficulties she's going through. I've seen people dealing with depression or health issues or even serious family issues that pull away from everyone. Until you find out that she has a problem with you specifically, or unless you know that she's in contact with other friends, I would assume she might like to hear from you still. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Yes, honey girl, send the card. You're a good friend. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 25, 2011 Author Share Posted June 25, 2011 I'm sorry that I forgot to respond to posts on this thread. It got buried and I forgot about it. Yes, I will send the card. I feel a bit emotional about it though. Part of me is afraid that she won't respond and part of me is afraid that she will and that my own hurt will make me awkward with her. Thank you for the advice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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