Lauren R. Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My dd13 keeps asking me about it, She's my oldest and Im not sure what to do :001_huh: What's your opinion on it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat19 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My older kids are 16 and 14 and have not started dating yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Age is less important than the individuals involved. The longer they go, the less chance they have to make life-altering mistakes. And if they do make them, they are better equipped to deal with the consequences. That said, a lot depends on the young man she is interested in rather than a hard age cutoff. Never back yourself into a corner by giving away specifics prematurely :D I assume we are talking about boyfriend/girlfriend stuff? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren R. Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Age is less important than the individuals involved. The longer they go, the less chance they have to make life-altering mistakes. And if they do make them, they are better equipped to deal with the consequences. That said, a lot depends on the young man she is interested in rather than a hard age cutoff. Never back yourself into a corner by giving away specifics prematurely :D I assume we are talking about boyfriend/girlfriend stuff? The boy goes to our church he's really nice ive talked to him quite a few times and i often talk to his parents in church too. He is older then her though he turned 14 last month. My 13yo will be 14 in December and she's pretty mature and she's really close to me, she tells me about everything. Its hard to think about her having boyfriends though! hmmm..still dont know :001_huh: And good point about the age, going to remember that one! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BamaTanya Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 And then I read this: :001_huh: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43467336/ns/today-entertainment/t/green-mile-actor-weds-country-singer/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Our kids were told from the time they were little that there would be no dating before they were 16yo. And getting to date at 16yo was dependent upon them showing good sense and some responsibility. We picked 16yo because by then teenagers have established friendships, have a couple of years of high school under their belt, and generally have some goals (attending college or getting a job). This has worked well for us and it gave the kids the easy out - "Thank you for asking but my parents don't let me date). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abigail4476 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Our rule of thumb is group dates at 16, single dates at 18, subject to parental approval, and we always reserve the right to say, "Sorry, you're not ready yet." (And we've made that clear for a long time.) I see no need for dating until kids are actually ready for serious relationships. What's the point of it? When they're truly ready for a romantic relationship they can pursue one. No need for test runs. That said, we do allow them to have "interests" and we don't stop them from receiving attention from the opposite sex. If some guy wants to write dd13 a love note, I don't care. If he wants to write her a song and play and sing it over the phone to her, that's fine, too. (This has already happened.) :tongue_smilie: She's still not allowed to go on a date. With date defined as: Going anywhere with sappy, lovesick boy without her parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) There are many, many threads on this issue on these boards and it can be a very controversial issue. I personally allowed my kids to date as soon as they wanted to, which was around 13. I don't regret my decision or allowing my kids to be in relationships as it happened naturally as they wanted through their teens. I have provided supervision, boundaries, but not ever outright denial. I have kept the communication going and have felt it more important to stay open and listen and to allow them to date as they see fit, and to stay fairly neutral and non judgemental about it- so that they have felt no need to be secretive, and will stay in ongoing dialogue with me. Edited June 21, 2011 by Peela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5KidzRUs Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 We don't "do" dating in our home. Although, we allow them to go to many group activities and they have a lot of freedoms. They can like someone too - there is nothing for them to hide from us there. I have told them that I think dating is for making out ... :001_huh: I know ... I have also told them that I know that in some cases a person can meet their life mate at a young age - and we can deal with that if it ever comes up. I guess my real concern is that emotions are so new and raw when they are teens and I really wanted them to focus more on academics and enjoying youth - until they are mature enough to handle an exclusive relationship. We also move around the world a lot - about 20 times in the last 20 years. Maybe i might rethink some if we lived in the same place ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My children can decide for themselves, when they are adults, if and when to start dating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Our kids were told from the time they were little that there would be no dating before they were 16yo. And getting to date at 16yo was dependent upon them showing good sense and some responsibility. We picked 16yo because by then teenagers have established friendships, have a couple of years of high school under their belt, and generally have some goals (attending college or getting a job). This has worked well for us and it gave the kids the easy out - "Thank you for asking but my parents don't let me date). :iagree: This is my age limit and factors for one-on-one dating. I have allowed my oldest to have a "friend" over to the house but they must stay in a room with others. I might even allow him to go on a group date but he's never asked and just accepts that he must be 16yo since we've always told him that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My honest opinion is that I would discourage it until a child has finished high school. I am not especially conservative about dating. My feelings are based on my experiences in high school. I had a very nice boyfriend from my sophomore until my senior year. We spent entirely too much time on each other. My dd16 had a boyfriend recently. He was very nice and, honestly, due to my dd's unique issues, having a boyfriend was good for her as it raised her self-esteem quite a bit. He moved away this weekend. We were all sad to see him go, but I am also somewhat relieved. Unfortunately, every boy on her soccer team has a crush on her so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before she has another boyfriend. I don't, however, let her ride in cars with teenagers, so her "dating" was limited to her boyfriend visiting her here (most of the time) or her visiting him at his house (occasionally). Sometimes they walked to the park together. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My oldest was allowed to date when she turned 16. Before that she could go to chaperoned school dances or out with groups of kids to a movie/dinner. She most often goes out with a large group even now. She has a very busy schedule and lots of activities (school, dance, work, cheerleading, other friends) so even when she has a boyfriend it is just one other part of her life. Her current boyfriend goes to school in her old district near her dads house so they see each other, at most, once a week and they don't always see each other even that often. I think if she showed signs of being the type of girl who would let a boy take over her life, that she would get too serious too fast, or that she didn't have so many other interests - I would have set further restrictions on what type of dating she could do even now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 We haven't had really discussed a specific age, but I can't imagine allowing it before 16. I've already talked with my older kids about boyfriends/girlfriends and explained to them what I think the purpose of dating is- getting to know and finding a future spouse. At 13, my daughter is not ready to get married, so there is no reason for her to be dating. I realize others may disagree, and I may reevaluate my stance on this as my 12 yr old approaches the age of possibly wanting to date, but for now, that is how I feel! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Dating at 13 can be the fastest way to loose a good friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Dating at 13 can be the fastest way to loose a good friend. Well, you could say the same thing about marriage- for 50% of the population. I can't see how that is a good reason not to get closer to someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 16. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 A question to ask yourself-What benefit is there in dating? Will it benefit your dd's intellectual and emotional growth? When my kids were little, I realized that my teen dating served no purpose except to make me feel popular and to get me into trouble. I was always tempted to do things that are better left to adulthood. My thoughts were frequently about boys and what I wanted to do with boys :glare: Our kids go out as a group and we discourage them from dating until they are ready for marriage. Our dd have had dozens of male friends throughout high school and college and our sons, many female friends, so if you're concerned that they'll appear prudish if they don't date, you won't find that to be the case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngieW in Texas Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I've always said at least 16yo. My two older girls are both Aspie, so it hasn't been an issue with either of them. My youngest is NOT Aspie and is likely to be chomping at the bit by 14yo. I still say 16yo for individual dating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Sixteen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usetoschool Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My dd13 keeps asking me about it, She's my oldest and Im not sure what to do :001_huh: What's your opinion on it? Group dates at 16 or so and more pairing off when they are ready to make a serious committment and have a relationship. Dating, from our perspective, is about figuring out who you want to marry and sorting out a relationship that will lead to that. Crushes are fine and probably to be expected at 13 but I try not to even encourage that. The older I get and the older my kids get, the younger and more precious and fleeting those early teen years seem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Our children know the absolute soonest we'd even consider it is age 16. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I didn't read all of the replies but I'm so in the minority here. I'm okay if it's a supervised or short group date at 13. Also it should be a treat/reward. No riding in cars with other teens until DC has a license of their own (my Daddy's rule). I hope they won't be doing anything even resembling TeA until adults but if so I want them to feel comfortable talking about it. I don't want them to be "locked up" then receive the key on their 18th b-day. Bad things can happen, I know. Now here's where I wildly differ from most. I do not want my DC to even consider marriage until they're 25+. But I do want them to live with the person at least a year prior to marriage. I don't want them to be serial daters, but I would be very concerned if they married their first real boy/girl friend. In the end what I want and what they do are two totally different things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 We haven't set an age (and our oldest is only 10), but I can't see it happening before 16. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 When they're emotionally mature enough. We don't pretend that milestone happens at a specific chronological age. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 As for us right now the DS 15 1/2 has a girlfriend. So far they have went to one festival (I chaperoned but did allow them some privacy) and one movie/pizza. Neither have licenses so they are at the mercy of their parents to take them places. They have to be in the common area of the house however they are allowed to take walks together, go to the pool or lake. For me it was to soon and I would have preferred he was older. However DH feels it is okay and since he is a guy and those two have a super close relationship and talk about every thing I am accepting. Of course living 30 miles apart does help me feel a little better :D. I agree that the maturity of the two people involved are more important than a specific, predetermined age. JMTC-From what I have seen lately group dating can be just as dangerous or more so than just a couple. I think in a group you can feel more pressure to go further or to show off than when it is a couple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Age 18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChandlerMom Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I did a poll on this question: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=260565&highlight=dating+poll By-and-large it seemed 16 or older. I think it depends on what YOU consider the purpose of dating to be. Fun? Finding a spouse? It's also something you can't undo -- tough to say yes then change your mind if it doesn't go well. I personally don't think it's the best way to learn about romantic relationships any more than I would think throwing a kid in the middle of the ocean was a good way to learn to swim. Watching my almost-14yo niece with her first boyfriend (nice guy from youth group) is absolutely... terrifying. It has made dh and I agree that dating with our kids will only be well north of 16 (probably 18) and only after a couple years of psychology units (possibly including college-level classes) and looooong discussions on relationships, what's important, etc. Bottom line: every relationship will leave a mark on your child, some good, some scars that won't heal, and IMO you need to feel confident they are mature enough to handle it. THe people I know of my generation with the best marriages seemed to not date at all until college. Maybe has to do with not feeling that having a SigO was the point in their life? But that's just a small sample. Maybe need another poll. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4everHis Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 When they're emotionally mature enough. We don't pretend that milestone happens at a specific chronological age. This is our take. Same with driving, just because you're 16 doesn't mean I'm going to hand you the keys to my $20k vehicle. You have to prove responsibility and maturity in most areas to be given the privilege of dating. Same goes for the person you'd like to go out with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eewaggie99 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Group dates at 16. Dating at 18. What's the purpose of dating? If it's just to have fun, you can do it with a group of people. If it's to find someone to love, than at 18, you're legally if not emotionally, mature enough to get married. I started dating at 16 and like most teens, had no clue about love, relationships, and marriage. Being in loving committed relationships when I was older was far better for my emotional health. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 The boy goes to our church he's really nice ive talked to him quite a few times and i often talk to his parents in church too. He is older then her though he turned 14 last month. My 13yo will be 14 in December and she's pretty mature and she's really close to me, she tells me about everything. Its hard to think about her having boyfriends though! hmmm..still dont know :001_huh: And good point about the age, going to remember that one! :D My question would be, "Why?" I am not being snarky, I just think there should be a reason for a person to date. Are they old enough to get married or start thinking in that direction? Are they equipped to provide for themselves and the other person? If they want to spend time together as friends, invite the young man over for supper and a game night. Rent a couple of movies and watch as a family. My older kids didn't 'date'. When my middle son was old enough that he decided he would like to find a life long mate he spent time at the girls home with parent, they went on group outings together and they spent time at our home. They didn't spend hardly any time by themselves. By the way I didn't impose that on them and neither did her parent. They both new that they wanted their forever relationship to stay pure before marriage and they knew what it generally takes. Dating is very much an American thing but I don't think it generally ends up as a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jayne J Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Dh swears that the dds won't be allowed to date until they are 27. :D:D:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 We don't really have an age, but my preference would be late teens whenever each individual child has matured to the point that they know what they want for their life and can take care of themselves. We've had a few discussions about what dating is for when the oldest hit 11 and a few peers started 'going out.' Basically we talk about why people date. At his age it's more curiosity and trying to feel good about yourself. I asked him how he felt about their dates and he said 'its kind of silly.' Then I told him about people I knew who dated in grade school and their early teens. I let him know that a lot of people (especially girls) date because it makes them feel good about themselves, not necessarily because they found someone that is a good match. There's a lot of roller coaster emotion and drama that effects the rest of your life. Then we talk about the purpose of dating...getting to know people you think are cool to see if they are the person for you (marriage). It's really hard to do that as a young teen because you are still growing and becoming yourself. That's why most teen relationships don't go anywhere. Then we reinforce that liking someone and getting to know the opposite sex are good things. Girls make good friends, even when you're not ready to date yet. And every person you like and get to know may not be the right person but they do show you what you want in the opposite sex. You can also learn a lot from your friend's relationships. So far, so good. Oldest is 12 and has told a classmate (on his 3rd-4th girlfriend) that he is 'crazy' for dating so young. There's just too much to do. We'll see how it goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Our rule of thumb is group dates at 16, single dates at 18, subject to parental approval, and we always reserve the right to say, "Sorry, you're not ready yet." (And we've made that clear for a long time.) I see no need for dating until kids are actually ready for serious relationships. What's the point of it? When they're truly ready for a romantic relationship they can pursue one. No need for test runs. That said, we do allow them to have "interests" and we don't stop them from receiving attention from the opposite sex. If some guy wants to write dd13 a love note, I don't care. If he wants to write her a song and play and sing it over the phone to her, that's fine, too. (This has already happened.) :tongue_smilie: She's still not allowed to go on a date. With date defined as: Going anywhere with sappy, lovesick boy without her parents. :iagree: Pretty much my take on things as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disney Dreaming Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 For my oldest 2(now 22 and 18) it was 16. They both were good kids and we felt we could trust them. With dd(now 8) I will probably not allow her to date until she is 17. Things have changed so much, and honestly group dating is sometimes worse than allowing them to have one on one dates. At least I don't have to worry about this for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I try not to set arbitrary ages, because I don't know how things will look when we get to that age. For instance, if my 15 yr old is immature and untrustworthy, why would I allow her to date just because she made it to age 16. So I term things like this "We will discuss it when you are 16. If you are ready at 16 then you can date." We set our age at 16 minimum. Before that, no dating, no boyfriends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GTJo1996 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I was allowed to date at 15 but the guy I dated was "the boy next door" so my parents felt that they knew him quite well. However, when I think back to MY maturity, I wish they had said no dating until 16. But at the time my older sis was a hell-yun and I was the angel compared to her. i think my parents were not as concerned about my behavior - and they shoulda been! So be warned, your angels may not be so angelic when alone with a boy!! I recently had a conversation with a friend's daughter at church. She is 16 and their rules are that she cannot go out with anyone they have not met. So the boy AND his parents must come over for dinner before any dates happen. Needless to say this has scared off more than one boy! I like this rule and might just use it myself! But I hopefully have 10 8 more years before this becomes an issue at my house! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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