vlgimmelli Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 My husband wants my son to go to PS. My son's behavior(12) has gotten out of hand. He has been having too many temper tantrums and yelling all the time. He also talks disrespectful to both my husband and I and always talks back. I still want to homeschool so bad and really do not know how else to convince my husband to let me homeschool my two children, (12) and (5). I know the main reason he wants me not homeschool anymore is because he is concerned about me since there are days where I am so upset because of my son's behavior, he is concerned that I may get sick. God has called me to homeschool my children and believe that if I obey His call He will protect me and all will be well. Any suggestions are certainly very welcomed. Thanks :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 So sorry! I would deal with the Behavior Issue first, and let the homeschool thing be secondary. What are you going to do if you're called by the school because he's disrespectful to teachers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Any problems you have now with your son will only be magnified if you send him to ps. I believe this is a parenting issue - not a school issue. My favorite book about child rearing is Child Training Trips by Reb Bradley (lots of good stuff for free on the website, too), and Dr. S.M. Davis's CDs, particularly Changing the Heart of a Rebel. (this is a link to a free mp3). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wy_kid_wrangler04 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Any problems you have now with your son will only be magnified if you send him to ps. I believe this is a parenting issue - not a school issue. My favorite book about child rearing is Child Training Trips by Reb Bradley (lots of good stuff for free on the website, too), and Dr. S.M. Davis's CDs, particularly Changing the Heart of a Rebel. (this is a link to a free mp3). :iagree: Also, maybe your son would benefit from some sort of counseling. Do you attend a church? If so, maybe your pastor or some other male from the church would be willing to counsel him. Are there trustworthy young men in your church? Maybe that would help (18-20 year olds) You know, somebody a little older who understands where he is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
at the beach Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 My husband wants my son to go to PS. My son's behavior(12) has gotten out of hand. He has been having too many temper tantrums and yelling all the time. He also talks disrespectful to both my husband and I and always talks back. I still want to homeschool so bad and really do not know how else to convince my husband to let me homeschool my two children, (12) and (5). I know the main reason he wants me not homeschool anymore is because he is concerned about me since there are days where I am so upset because of my son's behavior, he is concerned that I may get sick. God has called me to homeschool my children and believe that if I obey His call He will protect me and all will be well. Any suggestions are certainly very welcomed. Thanks:confused: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I believe in another thread you mentioned that your son has HFA. I'd post this on the special needs board if I were you and give more details regarding his behaviors there and more details regarding your daily family life--what are you doing for school with him, how long has he been homeschooled, what, if any, therapies is he in, etc. Is he acting out of frustration possibly? Dealing with a special needs child can be really hard. I find that with my youngest, the calmer I am, the calmer she is. She used to get really frustrated, and she'd have meltdowns. Now, not so much. She's really coming into her own. She is going into 6th grade. One thing that has been really good for her is horseback riding. Another has been cutting out artificial flavors, colors and corn syrup (as well as some other things, but those are the big ones). Also, the more physical exercise she gets, the better. I hope you can find a way to work it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 This is your special needs kiddo, right? It may be that this is a season for him to go to publilc school and get some additional testing or services that aren't available to you right now. I'm with the other posters - I don't think that the problems will somehow magically go away if he goes to public school, but I know you have reached out for ideas multiple times before and I really sympathize! And just because he goes to PS now, doesn't mean he will be lost forever. I went through a similiar period with my special kiddo, who is doing ok now in public high school. Maybe this is the time for you to be concentrating on homeschooling the 5yo and getting a break from the constant turmoil with the older. A chance to recharge your batteries, so to speak? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I know you want to homeschool but right now there are two bigger issues. One is your son's behavior and one is your husband's concerns. Both of those need to be worked on before you add one more conflict to the mix with homeschooling. I don't mean to suggest you can't homeschool but that right now the other two issues need addressing. You may indeed have been called to homeschool but if that's the case then you need to ensure you've got a healthy, balanced and respectful home in which to do it and that won't happen with your son's behavior out of hand and a husband that's sick with worry about you. So honour the calling by getting the other issues straightened out first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Can you get your husband to postpone it another year and go year by year, staying open to what might be best? My son did not always treat me well, or dh, but he was 15 before he would no longer work for me and the fights got too much and I sent him to school. By that time, it was the right decision to make and he is thriving at school. But at 12 he still needed a lot of attention and a lot of help with schoolwork. It sounds like your dh is at a loss as to how to manage your son's behaviour effectively- is that so? When my son behaved badly and I would be in tears, dh would go and talk to ds, give some consequences, threaten him with returning to school (which for a long time ds didn't want to do) and then dh would talk to me about how I needed to be stricter etc- and we would get through for a while. But eventually dh's methods no longer had much effect and I could not keep going with the daily struggles- it seemed to be a sign that ds needed to rub against different people, different teachers, etc He is not a bad kid- he had just outgrown homeschool and being with mum all day. The teachers at school like him. I think if you cannot find an effective way to manage him, to be with him, if it is not primarily a positive experience, even though some bad days are normal- you need help and your dh is just trying to help. Dh's do generally love to help and "send the kid to school" is just trying to help. School may not be the answer, but it sounds like you need to find something, some way, some system, some approach, or outside help, that will make a serious difference. Then the homeschooling won't be the issue it is now. Homeschooling just because it is your passion, your conviction, is probably not the best reason and wont work to convince your dh- it needs to be making a positive difference in your son's life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Sending your child to school will not help behavioral/discipline issues. They will only be magnified if he is sent to PS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 I do not have a special needs child so take this advice with that in mind. I offer up that no matter what limits a child may have, there is no excuse for behaving disrespectfully to those in authority - especially mom. The only exception I can imagine to this is if there is something physiologically wrong with the child that chemically alters his/her ability to control his/her behavior. Otherwise no disability, no matter how great, is an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. All people, disabled or not, need to learn to get along in society and treat others with respect. If he cannot treat his own mother with respect, I cannot imagine that he will be able to treat other authority figures with respect. JMHO. School may help, but I doubt it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 17, 2011 Share Posted June 17, 2011 Some questions to help you think things through: Does he play video/computer games? Sometimes gaming can cause aggression in boys. Are you able to meet his academic needs? His social needs? Not necessarily you personally but are they being addressed? Sometimes boredom can cause boys esp. to act out. What coping skills have you taught him? This is a stressful time hormonally and he needs your help dealing with them in a way that is still respectful of you. Perhaps a family therapist could help come up with a plan for how to handle his angry or frustrated feelings? Is he doing sports? I found that starting at age 12, my son needed some vigorous exercise for at least an hour a day. It helped with the hormones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest momk2000 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Sending your child to school will not help behavioral/discipline issues. They will only be magnified if he is sent to PS. :iagree: We came very,very close to enrolling our dd in PS last year. She has PDD, and the meltdowns were getting out of hand. We realized PS was not the answer to her problems, and continued to HS. She has since been through counseling and we did have to put her on medication, but her behavior is much more manageable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I do not have a special needs child so take this advice with that in mind. I offer up that no matter what limits a child may have, there is no excuse for behaving disrespectfully to those in authority - especially mom. The only exception I can imagine to this is if there is something physiologically wrong with the child that chemically alters his/her ability to control his/her behavior. Otherwise no disability, no matter how great, is an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. All people, disabled or not, need to learn to get along in society and treat others with respect. If he cannot treat his own mother with respect, I cannot imagine that he will be able to treat other authority figures with respect. JMHO. School may help, but I doubt it. That's what autism does, it affects a person's ability to regulate their behavior and interact appropriately. That's why asd kids require so much therapy to be able to (hopefully) get along in society. It's very common that an asd kid will be able to hold it together in public and then lose it at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Address the behavior issues however you have to. A change in parenting style, counseling, medical evaluation/treatment, physical exercise, dietary changes, etc. You can't just send him to an over-crowded classroom with an over-burdened teacher. Teachers should only have to deal with academics-not behavioral issues. I have several friends and relatives who are ps teachers-they have a lot to say about parents who think the schools can solve behavioral issues and it is not flattering. They spend a lot of time complaining about such things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 That's what autism does, it affects a person's ability to regulate their behavior and interact appropriately. That's why asd kids require so much therapy to be able to (hopefully) get along in society. It's very common that an asd kid will be able to hold it together in public and then lose it at home. If autism is the disability, then that would definitely be an exception. There are so many "special needs" it is difficult to know how to advise when the actual disability is not mentioned in the op. There is a verse in the Bible that says something along the lines of "from the mouth of two or three witnesses truth is established." Sometimes it is helpful for a child to hear the exact same thing from another adult, say a teacher or counselor, that he's been hearing all his life at home. It validates what he has already been taught and for that reason it may work to send this boy to school. Also, it sounds as if the op needs a break from the stress. I too feel a strong conviction that God wants me to homeschool. I have friends who have special needs children who feel the same way. However, some of them have children with severe disabilities (deafness, CP) and sending them to school has been the only reasonable option to pursue. I do not think God thinks any less of someone when they need help from professionals. I would caution though, still, that society will not look kindly on any individual who cannot behave with at least a moderate amount of self-control. It can be a very fine and tricky line to determine just how much to expect from a child, but it would not be a kind thing to allow any child to behave badly when they are capable of behaving well. Not an easy thing to determine, I know - but I also know as a mom I have a weakness towards indulging my children (he's tired, he's sick, he's had a hard day, etc.) instead of expecting respectful behavior no matter what. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 I do not have a special needs child. That said, I have found the past year with my 12yo son to be the most trying in terms of both our relationship and my sanity. All of my friends are having the same experience with their 12yo sons. It must be a difficult age. Setting aside time on a regular basis to do something, just the two of us, has helped immensely. I see the positive effects not only in our relationship, but in his interactions with his siblings as well. Time alone with Dad also works wonders. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 Are there options in between? How about a "school for homeschoolers" type of co-op, where he is accountable to teachers and deadlines that are not yours? How about private schools for kids with special needs, or regular private schools that will be supportive of his needs? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vlgimmelli Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Well, with much prayer and talking with my husband, I again shared my heart and my deep desire to homeschool my children and he agreed it is the best thing. He is just concerned about those not so great days in homeschooling that may be stressful for me, I assured him that we will add grace and work on it so that noone would get upset. Thank you for all the wonderful advices.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Is he doing sports? I found that starting at age 12, my son needed some vigorous exercise for at least an hour a day. We found this also. It's what got the dc started on the swim team. Time alone with Dad also works wonders. And this. Does your area provide any services for special needs children who are not in the public school? Perhaps he could get some help/helpful testing without having to be in a middle school class all day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glennis_b Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I had a friend who sent her son to PS because of his uncooperative attitude and it worked for them. His schoolwork and attitude improved and she continued to homeschool the others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren R. Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Sending your child to school will not help behavioral/discipline issues. They will only be magnified if he is sent to PS. :iagree: This really shouldnt even be considered, IMO. If he has behavioral problems now, i cant imagine how much worse it would get in PS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Well, with much prayer and talking with my husband, I again shared my heart and my deep desire to homeschool my children and he agreed it is the best thing. He is just concerned about those not so great days in homeschooling that may be stressful for me, I assured him that we will add grace and work on it so that noone would get upset. Thank you for all the wonderful advices.:001_smile: Good news! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twoforjoy Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Well, with much prayer and talking with my husband, I again shared my heart and my deep desire to homeschool my children and he agreed it is the best thing. He is just concerned about those not so great days in homeschooling that may be stressful for me, I assured him that we will add grace and work on it so that noone would get upset. Thank you for all the wonderful advices.:001_smile: That is great. I find that I need to consider how much I want to vent to DH when DS's attitude about school is bothering me. Because, he hates seeing me stressed out and upset, and wants to fix it, and sending DS to school seems like a fix. It's not that he doesn't like that we homeschool or would prefer DS in school, but just that it is a big stress on him to worry, while he's at work and can't do anything, about what's going on at home. So unless something is a really significant behavior issue, I try not to make a big deal out of day-to-day behavioral stuff. We'll talk generally about improving DS's behavior, but I try to work out the specific issues I have with him during the day on my own, and vent to friends if I need to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Sending your child to school will not help behavioral/discipline issues. They will only be magnified if he is sent to PS. I think that is one of those common homeschooling sayings that can be true but I think it is too much of a generalisation. Some kids, especially boys, are rebelling against mum particularly and respond better to the structure of school that has non negotiable boundaries and even some male teachers. The specific dynamic between mother and child can be an issue that can be helped greatly, at times, by putting a child in a different environment for some of the day. Many people here have put one child in school for that reason. I am not saying its the answer for the OP- and i am very glad for her that her husband has come around because she feels it is right to homeschool right now- it's just that a lot of people here agree with the above statement but it hasn't been my experience after a point. I would say my teenage son is responding well to the rigours and discipline of school, and his teachers enjoy him (he is not a behavioural issue there), and yet he was not well behaved for me- he was always resisting. It might be that those of us who are a bit softer, less strict, those of us who try to negotiate with our kids a lot, cannot provide the structure sometimes necessary with some kids, at a certain point. Many teenage kids, especially boys, seem to do quite well in a strict environment. I feel some of them need to get away from mum, too. I intended to homeschool all the way through, but I am glad I was open to what seemed best- my son was 15 though, not 12. I think each situation is unique and should be considered individually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vlgimmelli Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Great Idea TwoforJoy. Thanks!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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