End of the rope regarding teenage boy

[wendylee]

Oh folks, I really need some advice here.

 

We are at the end of our rope with our 16 year old son. For several years he's been defying us, rebelling against our very laid-back rules, and escalating in his disobedience. This last month, we've found out he's been smoking pot, stealing money, stealing alcohol, sneaking girls into his room and having s** in our house, and today, he lit fires in his room because he was "bored".

 

We've taken away all privileges and put him on a point system; one point possible per day, 20 points to earn back one privilege at a time. Today was the day he decided to set fires in his room, and him and his dad got into a screaming match over that.

 

AT this point we really don't know what to do. If anyone has had to deal with extremely rebellious teens, please give me advice, sympathy, chocolate......:>) seriously we're so tired of the constant arguments, broken rules, broken trust, we don't know what to do anymore.

 

See Update on page 8.

Edited June 6, 2011 by wendylee

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mrs Mungo]

1. Psychiatrist

 

2. Lots of things to keep him very, very busy

[FrogMom5]

I would seek professional help. I have no personal advice but :grouphug:s.

Denise

[wendylee]

We've started taken him to a counselor, and he is on Celexa. So we'll see what happens with that. He's been on Celexa for 2 years, just started seeing the counselor.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

professional help

 

no door on his room and with his father at all times. I might even put him on a blanket on the floor in my room.

 

Your heart must be breaking.

 

eta: no screaming. Screaming makes you, the parent wrong. This is the hardest part for me, no screaming. Do, or don't do, there is no try. Give him his choices and do NOT let him lure you into fighting over it. He can pick, A, he can pick B, and stand by your decision. Don't let him sway you (there is no try).

Edited June 5, 2011 by justamouse

[Mrs Mungo]

We've started taken him to a counselor, and he is on Celexa. So we'll see what happens with that. He's been on Celexa for 2 years, just started seeing the counselor.

 

A counselor? Psychologist or psychiatrist? Setting fires would make me seek out a psychiatrist.

[wendylee]

The fire thing just happened today, and I am calling on Monday.

[Denisemomof4]

A counselor? Psychologist or psychiatrist? Setting fires would make me seek out a psychiatrist.

 

:iagree: This is a *HUGE* red flag.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Liz CA]

I know of someone who sent their son to a camp type experience. I remember thinking it was expensive but cannot remember how much it was. It helped because he was separated from his parents and had to deal with rules and counselors, consequences and very little freedom. He came back a different kid, I was told.

Before you go this route, I would try a psychologist first, one experiences with teenagers. A psychologist can also help evaluate if such a camp experience would be beneficial.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

professional help

 

no door on his room and with his father at all times. I might even put him on a blanket on the floor in my room.

 

Your heart must be breaking.

 

:iagree: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: And family counseling. It might be very hard, but DH must learn not to scream back. You are learning the horrible news that you can't control him. You can only control yourself.

[wendylee]

Husband believes that screaming at him is the only way he can deal with it, doing anything else in his mind is equal to lying down and taking whatever he dishes out. That's a whole 'nother ball of wax. :confused:

[Cheryl in NM]

Oh folks, I really need some advice here.

 

We are at the end of our rope with our 16 year old son. For several years he's been defying us, rebelling against our very laid-back rules, and escalating in his disobedience. This last month, we've found out he's been smoking pot, stealing money, stealing alcohol, sneaking girls into his room and having s** in our house, and today, he lit fires in his room because he was "bored".

 

We've taken away all privileges and put him on a point system; one point possible per day, 20 points to earn back one privilege at a time. Today was the day he decided to set fires in his room, and him and his dad got into a screaming match over that.

 

AT this point we really don't know what to do. If anyone has had to deal with extremely rebellious teens, please give me advice, sympathy, chocolate......:>) seriously we're so tired of the constant arguments, broken rules, broken trust, we don't know what to do anymore.

 

You might want to check him into the hospital for a few days. They will keep him for 24 hours for evaluation and then decide if he needs to stay. I only suggest this because setting fires in his room puts your whole family at risk. You must think of your other children, their mother (yourself) and your husband (children's dad). My heart is breaking for you. We had a very rebellious teen that we had to let go. She's doing much better now than when she was a teen, but she still struggles. A few days in a hospital will give your son some perspective and will give you and your husband a little rest.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

ETA: You can check him into the hospital right now; it doesn't have to wait until Monday. If he set fires in the house because he was bored I would be afraid for my life, especially after the blow up with his dad. Please get help tonight.

Edited June 5, 2011 by Cheryl in NM

[wendylee]

How would we go about checking him into a hospital? I wouldn't think calling 911, right?

[kalanamak]

Husband believes that screaming at him is the only way he can deal with it, doing anything else in his mind is equal to lying down and taking whatever he dishes out.

 

Like I said, family counseling.

[Cheryl in NM]

How would we go about checking him into a hospital? I wouldn't think calling 911, right?

 

You can call 911. If you have insurance most of them have behavioral health phone numbers you can call 24/7. You could also call the hospital, explain the situation and ask to check him in tonight. You could just take him to the ER. Depending on how belligerent your son is right now you might need police help to restrain him.

 

I am so sorry. I know how heartbreaking this is. Just considering these things is heartbreaking. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

How would we go about checking him into a hospital? I wouldn't think calling 911, right?

1) This varies by state

2) A lot depends on willingness

3) Not cheap. Do you have money or insurance that covers such things?

 

 

If you know nothing about the laws or resources in your area, I would try a "crisis line". They cover more than suicide.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you know nothing about the laws or resources in your area, I would try a "crisis line". They cover more than suicide.

 

:iagree: They will send out an ambulance if needed for transport or will advise you how to proceed.

[kalanamak]

Depending on how belligerent your son is right now you might need police help to restrain him.

 

 

Unless he was lighting a fire as they were there, no police in my state is going to restrain to take to an ER. And, he'd probably be taken to jail instead (some parents have to do this, and "burned house down" is not an uncommon way to end up that the mental hospital I work at).

[Trish]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

professional help

 

no door on his room and with his father at all times. I might even put him on a blanket on the floor in my room.

 

Your heart must be breaking.

 

eta: no screaming. Screaming makes you, the parent wrong. This is the hardest part for me, no screaming. Do, or don't do, there is no try. Give him his choices and do NOT let him lure you into fighting over it. He can pick, A, he can pick B, and stand by your decision. Don't let him sway you (there is no try).

 

:iagree:

 

This. Great advice, along with the professional help. Also more supervision so "stuff" (girls? grass?) can't be brought into the house.

[Tohru]

As a grown adult that was a rebellious teen, I can only say that he is bored and lost trying to find himself.

 

Maybe send him to Outward Bound for a few weeks

Or another country on a group backpacking tour

Work on a fishing boat in Alaska for the summer

Or even just let him go on a road trip anywhere by himself

 

He really needs to see that the world is bigger - much, much bigger and that there is a point to living.

[wendylee]

He has almost constant supervision. What he does is fool us into thinking he can be trusted. For instance, the incident with the girl, we left for 2 hours to a church activity, he had been doing chores and kissing up to us all day, then as soon as we left (he told us he had to do some homework), he snuck his girlfriend in and we caught him when we got home. Which is when we also found the pot, which he has been smoking after school on the way home. He is home within 30 minutes of school getting out, but apparently that's enough to get completely baked.

[justamouse]

They ahve NO idea how hellish they make family life and how selfish their behavior is.

 

Can you pick him up at school?

 

And tell him you don't trust him. Nope, you can't do that, I don't trust you. ____incident was ___long ago and I don't trust you yet.

 

:grouphug:

[Tohru]

My personal experience and opinion is that the harder you clamp down, the farther away and more difficult it's going to be to get him back.

 

Taking his door, admitting him to the hospital, adding restrictions are all just going to alienate him. Talk to him and ask him what he needs. He probably wont be honest, so offer suggestions to help. I don't know you or your family, but my assumption is that it's a relationship problem at this point and fixing the relationship is the only thing that is going to fix the other issues.

[justamouse]

My personal experience and opinion is that the harder you clamp down, the farther away and more difficult it's going to be to get him back.

 

Taking his door, admitting him to the hospital, adding restrictions are all just going to alienate him. Talk to him and ask him what he needs. He probably wont be honest, so offer suggestions to help. I don't know you or your family, but my assumption is that it's a relationship problem at this point and fixing the relationship is the only thing that is going to fix the other issues.

 

Having just gone though such, I'm saying what works.

 

He's lighting fires IN THE HOUSE, which could potentially kill people. Cry for help? Yes, but the family needs to protect themselves.

 

And, if you are new to the board, I am one of the most lenient parents here and yet I'm saying these things. This kid is manipulating them. BTDT and my 20 yo is starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You need professional advice specifically for this troubled young man and your family. Our parenting advice is not good enough. It could seriously harm your son and your family.

 

So - psychiatrist (either in a hospital or at a private office) for the boy. Family counseling for the family.

[wendylee]

My personal experience and opinion is that the harder you clamp down, the farther away and more difficult it's going to be to get him back.

 

Taking his door, admitting him to the hospital, adding restrictions are all just going to alienate him. Talk to him and ask him what he needs. He probably wont be honest, so offer suggestions to help. I don't know you or your family, but my assumption is that it's a relationship problem at this point and fixing the relationship is the only thing that is going to fix the other issues.

 

We've done this. We've given him his freedom, we've clamped down, nothing works. When we gave him his freedom, he got promiscuous, got into drugs, etc. When we grounded him/clamped down, he's fighting with us constantly, screaming, breaking things, and then tonight setting fires in his room.

 

So honestly I don't know what else we can do. We're calling the doctor on Monday and I'm not getting off the phone until they give us some help. Church and youth group won't help, family doesn't know and wouldn't help anyway.

 

Honestly I just want him out of the house, but I know he's 16 and has no where to go. But I'm so sick of the constant fighting.

[wendylee]

You need professional advice specifically for this troubled young man and your family. Our parenting advice is not good enough. It could seriously harm your son and your family.

 

So - psychiatrist (either in a hospital or at a private office) for the boy. Family counseling for the family.

 

Absolutely agree, except my husband doesn't have health insurance and therefore the one person who could probably do with counseling the most won't be able to take advantage of it.

 

We're calling the doctor on Monday.

[Tohru]

Having just gone though such, I'm saying what works.

 

He's lighting fires IN THE HOUSE, which could potentially kill people. Cry for help? Yes, but the family needs to protect themselves.

 

And, if you are new to the board, I am one of the most lenient parents here and yet I'm saying these things. This kid is manipulating them. BTDT and my 20 yo is starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

My uncle lit the house on fire, wrecked his jeep and killed his friend while drinking and driving. That happened when he was 16. His parents were very, very strict so he ran away and they didn't hear from him for 20 years.

 

My friend had a teen son who lights fires and she lets him, as long as they are contained. He enlisted in the military at 18. We let our son light fires out back. It's allowed, it's not a big deal.

 

I still think it's a matter of relationship. Lighting a fire because one is bored is not a cry for help. OP said he lit it because he was bored.

Edited June 5, 2011 by jadedone80

[justamouse]

Honestly I just want him out of the house, but I know he's 16 and has no where to go. But I'm so sick of the constant fighting.

:grouphug: I know that feeling. It feels horrible saying it outloud, but I've said it, some friends ahve said it about their troubled kids, and it's OK to feel like that.

[wendylee]

My uncle lit the house on fire, wrecked his jeep and killed his friend while drinking and driving. That happened when he was 16. His parents were very, very strict so he ran away and they didn't hear from him for 20 years.

 

My friend had a teen son who lights fires and she lets him, as long as they are contained. He enlisted in the military at 18. We let our son light fires out back. It's allowed, it's not a big deal.

 

I still think it's a matter of relationship. Lighting a fire because one is bored is not a cry for help. OP said he lit it because he was bored.

 

He's bored because we grounded him and took away his phone, TV, video games, friends, etc. because we found him with pot and he snuck a girl into his room while we were gone AND we found him with stolen alcohol. So yeah, it's because he's bored, because we've taken away everything.

 

And because he decided to do this tonight, he's lost all his privileges for another ten days. We told him when we grounded him that if he pulled this kind of carp he would go back to square one, he pushed it, and that's what is going to happen.

[joannqn]

The Total Transformation is a program designed by a man who was a troubled teen at one point. I'd give it a try. They are currently giving away free copies (it's very expensive) in exchange for reviews/survey.

 

We have a copy, and I think it could be good for this kind of situation. It teaches you to parent in a no nonsense way...no screaming necessary.

 

 

I'm NOT affiliated with the company in any way, shape, or form. I get no referral fees or any other perks.

[wendylee]

The Total Transformation is a program designed by a man who was a troubled teen at one point. I'd give it a try. They are currently giving away free copies (it's very expensive) in exchange for reviews/survey.

 

We have a copy, and I think it could be good for this kind of situation. It teaches you to parent in a no nonsense way...no screaming necessary.

 

 

I'm NOT affiliated with the company in any way, shape, or form. I get no referral fees or any other perks.

 

 

I will check this out, thank you. I'm not the one screaming, however...my husband is, and I doubt he would be interested, but I will check it out for myself. :tongue_smilie:

[Mama2Many4]

My uncle lit the house on fire, wrecked his jeep and killed his friend while drinking and driving. That happened when he was 16. His parents were very, very strict so he ran away and they didn't hear from him for 20 years.

 

My friend had a teen son who lights fires and she lets him, as long as they are contained. He enlisted in the military at 18. We let our son light fires out back. It's allowed, it's not a big deal.

 

I still think it's a matter of relationship. Lighting a fire because one is bored is not a cry for help. OP said he lit it because he was bored.

 

But what if he's bored in the middle of the night while the whole family sleeps and he kills everyone?

[Tohru]

I must apologize....

I just googled Celexa. Perhaps it's the drug that is causing him to act out of character, especially if he's been smoking pot on top of taking it. One is a serotonin reuptake inhibitor while the other gives surges of dopamine. It might just be a severe chemical imbalance going on in his brain, in addition to the other changes that occur during these developmental years.

 

Definitely call the doctor that has been prescribing him his medicine and let them know what's going on.

[justamouse]

My uncle lit the house on fire, wrecked his jeep and killed his friend while drinking and driving. That happened when he was 16. His parents were very, very strict so he ran away and they didn't hear from him for 20 years.

 

My friend had a teen son who lights fires and she lets him, as long as they are contained. He enlisted in the military at 18. We let our son light fires out back. It's allowed, it's not a big deal.

 

I still think it's a matter of relationship. Lighting a fire because one is bored is not a cry for help. OP said he lit it because he was bored.

 

he is 16. He should know that a consequence of lighting a fire in a house could result in a house fire that could kill people. That is a simple equasion for an emotionally balanced 16 yo. This is not that situation. He is depressed, unstable and lighting fires.

[LittleIzumi]

He's bored because we grounded him and took away his phone, TV, video games, friends, etc. because we found him with pot and he snuck a girl into his room while we were gone AND we found him with stolen alcohol. So yeah, it's because he's bored, because we've taken away everything.

 

And because he decided to do this tonight, he's lost all his privileges for another ten days. We told him when we grounded him that if he pulled this kind of carp he would go back to square one, he pushed it, and that's what is going to happen.

 

So what have you given him TO do? Anything physical? Something like yard work. I'd go stark raving mad of boredom with no stimulation at all, and I'm not troubled. He needs something of some sort to occupy his brain & preferably his body too, if possible. (IMO.)

[wendylee]

So what have you given him TO do? Anything physical? Something like yard work. I'd go stark raving mad of boredom with no stimulation at all, and I'm not troubled. He needs something of some sort to occupy his brain & preferably his body too, if possible. (IMO.)

 

Yes. He has chores, homework, and that's pretty much it. He reads a lot.

 

I don't know what else I could give him there, any suggestions are welcomed. He refuses to "join" anything.

 

eta: I'm fine with "forcing" him to join things, but the few times we've forced him to go to something, he sits in a corner and stares daggers at everyone. I really don't want to inflict him on other people.

Edited June 5, 2011 by wendylee

[Peela]

Unfortunately all within the realm of normal teenage behaviour. Not healthy, but normal, in my understanding.

 

My 15yo son is not that bad but ..well, I wont go there but it was a wake up call recently.

 

I also think a lot comes down to relationship.

The thing I would seriously be dealing with immediately is the fire lighting behaviour.

 

I have been struggling with 2 things with my teen boy who I love with all my heart. As in- which way to go. Do I keep getting stricter and stricter? Do I clamp down, cut out TV time, computer time, social time?

Or.....do I keep building the relationship and keeping the communication between us very open. The thing is, he talks to me. He told me things he has been doing that I wish he wouldn't do- such as getting drunk- but he is TALKING TO ME. That is an incredibly valuable thing. If I take what he says and use it to punish him- I immediately stop my son from sharing deeply openly with me. He wont talk to his dad. His dad and him yell a lot- but they are getting better because I help each of them understand each other.

 

So...I decided to only deal with what is happening in the house, and to monitor anything I feel is dangerous out of the house. I am very alert to teens drinking and driving and I make sure i am available if I think it is likely. We have a no alcohol policy at home, and i encourage friends to come here. But they dont always.

 

But i am not going to use what my son tells me to punish him, whether its pot, alcohol or girls. I am putting relationship and trust first. and letting him have as much freedom as I can, while at the same time dealing with the behaviour at home that we need to deal with- such as leaving incredible messes, not doing homework, not doing chores. Those, I can crack down on because I am not betraying the trust he puts in me.

 

Sometimes kids are crying out for stronger boundaries- I know that, and i understand the OP's son might be. He might also have the wrong friends- I watch that very closely too and it makes the whole difference. But also...I need to let him go. I am not a parent who wants to push my beliefs or my values onto my kids- I live them and they know it- and my kids both have a very strong wild streak. I have to let them go. Smoking pot is very common here. I am far more worried about the alcohol, but I cant control it completely so I am not going to keep my son at home under lock and key. I am going to keep talking, though.

 

I know other parents who have taken the strategy of allowing alcohol at home and I can see why, now, though I have judged it in the past. Dh is an ex alcoholic and wont take that route, so that I am living with. I know other parents who share pot with their kids. We dont do that either, but we used to smoke too, in our youth.

 

It's so hard...but I think it is very, very important to keep connecting, keep talking, and forgive, stay open. DH totally disagreed with me for a long time and his relationship with ds was terrible. He was authoritarian, punitive- and ds just withdrew. I stayed open, communicative, and as non judgemental as I could. I listen- a lot. I only shared certain things with dh- and I told dh why. His way wasnt working. He is slowly changing, less reactive, more communicative, more willing to say yes than no all the time. Home life is much, much easier and there is far less conflict.

 

Thats my sharing, for what it is worth. I was a wild teenager too, and so was dh. I do wish my parents had set better boundaries but I also wish they had managed to keep talking instead of freaking out and judging- it was way too late by the time they decided to crack down. It didn't help- I just withdrew and ran away. Teens are young adults. They are immature but they are real people, not objects we can control and manipulate. We have to meet them where they are. It's been such a challenging journey- and my son is only 15! It may get harder. But I know keeping my heart open and keeping the communication open is the right path so far- even though my teen is not behaving how I would ideally wish. At least he will listen. I have influence. And he knows he is very, very loved.

 

I asked advice from a loved, wise mentor about this issue with my son recently- and she very strongly advocated the path I am taking. I was ready to keep him home on lock down and withdraw all privileges. I am so glad I didnt take that path beause I woudl have betrayed a deep trust between my son and I. However I am not saying what is right for anyone else.

[Catherine]

So it's hard for me to give advice based on our experience, because we did "clamp down" but in a very loving, supportive, not punitive, way. Our particular situation made that possible. I would suggest two books that *really* guided my thinking at that time: Hold Onto Your Kids by Neufeld and Mate, and a book I read recently that had me sobbing: The Stardust Lounge by Deborah Diggs.

 

The first book helped me to understand more clearly how to reconnect with an older child, and helped me to grasp the concrete acts that promote a loving, supportive relationship with older children. More than anything else, this book shaped my ideas about what love looks like with older children. It also helped me understand the critical importance of the setting you are dealing with. If the setting is a big part of the problem, and it sometimes is, strong measures, sometimes moving, changing schools, or other major changes, are needed.

 

The second book is a mother's memoir of her son's hellish adolescence. At least for me, and hopefully for you, it made my own kid look like an angel : ) But on a much more serious note, it showed me how one Mom creatively and very courageously dealt with her son's criminal, horrible behavior, and how remarkably it all turned out. Again, big changes, and an openness to the unexpected, is what turned out to be the key.

 

((hugs)) to you. Parenting is not for sissies.

[Danestress]

I set a fire in the house because I was bored once. I am really glad that when my father discovered the huge burn hole in the carpet, for once in his life, he under reacted. I was a good kid. I was bored. I can believe that the fire is a very bad sign of a very troubled child who need immediate intervention. I can also believe that the fire is a sign your son was bored and is a teenager with immature judgment.

 

I think you should consider family counseling. Your husband simply has to get control of his emotional reactions. You can not parent a difficult teen effectively when you are an emotional mess, and if your husband is screaming, he is an emotional mess. Anger, disappointment, grief, fear. These are normal emotional reactions to an out of control teenager. But as the parent, one of your goals has to be that you will both be the adults. You may slip and make mistakes. You may yell and then wish you hadn't and feel like a loser. But from the sound of it, your husband doesn't even buy the idea that he should struggle to control his reactions. It's no fun to be the Mom trapped between an angry teen and a self-righteous Dad who loses control and blames the child. Get some help for your DH.

 

I agree with those who caution you not to totally alienate your son. I don't know what you should do. It is very scary, and I would want wise input from someone closer to the situation (a therapist would be nice). Meanwhile, I do think it's a mistake with a young man to tell him all the things he can't do (no phone, friends, outings, etc, as punishment) and then not provide something he has to do or can do. He will find something to do. Like light a fire. He was bored, he lit a fire, there was a ton of drama about it, he got what he wanted. You have to find him something to do. A volunteer gig, a sport, a job. Something.

Edited June 5, 2011 by Danestress

[Impish]

1. Psychiatrist

 

2. Lots of things to keep him very, very busy

:iagree:

I'm going to disagree with the 'I was bored' statement. Considering that this fire happened after he was busted for drugs, s*x, theft, I think 'bored' is an excuse, and was more motivated by being angry for getting caught and punished. Frankly, fire setting is too dangerous, imo, to risk being wrong about.

[Alicia64]

Please read The End of Adolescence and then go from there. It's an excellent book on teen and handling them in our current world.

 

One of the best books on kids/teens I've ever read.

 

Alley

[Alicia64]

I just want to add that child/teen therapist work from the idea that kids/teens are acting out for four reasons -- and their job is to determine which reason and create a treatment plan from there.

 

1. Want to gain a sense of power.

 

2. Want to get revenge.

 

3. Have an overall hopeless/I give up feeling in life.

 

4. Seeking attention

 

A skilled therapist will ask the right question -- going down this list and when the kid flashes a quick smile: bingo. They have the reason.

 

I do it with my kids once in awhile and, sure enough, that flash of smile reveals a ton to me.

 

I'm guessing your son is setting fires to gain power or get revenge. Probably to get revenge for the consequences you've given him.

 

A super good child therapist is a great idea. But make sure you get a good one. Every profession has brilliant, good, okay and plain awful.

 

A smart teen will totally manipulate a dorky therapist and waste your money and time.

 

Also, please read the book I mentioned, it's a great one.

 

Alley

[Cassy]

Unfortunately all within the realm of normal teenage behaviour. Not healthy, but normal, in my understanding.

 

My 15yo son is not that bad but ..well, I wont go there but it was a wake up call recently.

 

I also think a lot comes down to relationship.

The thing I would seriously be dealing with immediately is the fire lighting behaviour.

 

I have been struggling with 2 things with my teen boy who I love with all my heart. As in- which way to go. Do I keep getting stricter and stricter? Do I clamp down, cut out TV time, computer time, social time?

Or.....do I keep building the relationship and keeping the communication between us very open. The thing is, he talks to me. He told me things he has been doing that I wish he wouldn't do- such as getting drunk- but he is TALKING TO ME. That is an incredibly valuable thing. If I take what he says and use it to punish him- I immediately stop my son from sharing deeply openly with me. He wont talk to his dad. His dad and him yell a lot- but they are getting better because I help each of them understand each other.

 

So...I decided to only deal with what is happening in the house, and to monitor anything I feel is dangerous out of the house. I am very alert to teens drinking and driving and I make sure i am available if I think it is likely. We have a no alcohol policy at home, and i encourage friends to come here. But they dont always.

 

But i am not going to use what my son tells me to punish him, whether its pot, alcohol or girls. I am putting relationship and trust first. and letting him have as much freedom as I can, while at the same time dealing with the behaviour at home that we need to deal with- such as leaving incredible messes, not doing homework, not doing chores. Those, I can crack down on because I am not betraying the trust he puts in me.

 

Sometimes kids are crying out for stronger boundaries- I know that, and i understand the OP's son might be. He might also have the wrong friends- I watch that very closely too and it makes the whole difference. But also...I need to let him go. I am not a parent who wants to push my beliefs or my values onto my kids- I live them and they know it- and my kids both have a very strong wild streak. I have to let them go. Smoking pot is very common here. I am far more worried about the alcohol, but I cant control it completely so I am not going to keep my son at home under lock and key. I am going to keep talking, though.

 

I know other parents who have taken the strategy of allowing alcohol at home and I can see why, now, though I have judged it in the past. Dh is an ex alcoholic and wont take that route, so that I am living with. I know other parents who share pot with their kids. We dont do that either, but we used to smoke too, in our youth.

 

It's so hard...but I think it is very, very important to keep connecting, keep talking, and forgive, stay open. DH totally disagreed with me for a long time and his relationship with ds was terrible. He was authoritarian, punitive- and ds just withdrew. I stayed open, communicative, and as non judgemental as I could. I listen- a lot. I only shared certain things with dh- and I told dh why. His way wasnt working. He is slowly changing, less reactive, more communicative, more willing to say yes than no all the time. Home life is much, much easier and there is far less conflict.

 

Thats my sharing, for what it is worth. I was a wild teenager too, and so was dh. I do wish my parents had set better boundaries but I also wish they had managed to keep talking instead of freaking out and judging- it was way too late by the time they decided to crack down. It didn't help- I just withdrew and ran away. Teens are young adults. They are immature but they are real people, not objects we can control and manipulate. We have to meet them where they are. It's been such a challenging journey- and my son is only 15! It may get harder. But I know keeping my heart open and keeping the communication open is the right path so far- even though my teen is not behaving how I would ideally wish. At least he will listen. I have influence. And he knows he is very, very loved.

 

I asked advice from a loved, wise mentor about this issue with my son recently- and she very strongly advocated the path I am taking. I was ready to keep him home on lock down and withdraw all privileges. I am so glad I didnt take that path beause I woudl have betrayed a deep trust between my son and I. However I am not saying what is right for anyone else.

 

Very, very wise words Peela. For me this is the only way. Beyond this, in some ways, it's about letting go and trusting your children to learn the lessons in life that they need to learn. And to be there for them when it all goes wrong.

[bzymom]

Just wanted to offer :grouphug::grouphug:.

 

I know how difficult it is to remember the sweet baby he once was at this time, but he is in there somewhere. I hope you find the right help to guide your family.

[Remudamom]

We've done this. We've given him his freedom, we've clamped down, nothing works. When we gave him his freedom, he got promiscuous, got into drugs, etc. When we grounded him/clamped down, he's fighting with us constantly, screaming, breaking things, and then tonight setting fires in his room.

 

So honestly I don't know what else we can do. We're calling the doctor on Monday and I'm not getting off the phone until they give us some help. Church and youth group won't help, family doesn't know and wouldn't help anyway.

 

Honestly I just want him out of the house, but I know he's 16 and has no where to go. But I'm so sick of the constant fighting.

 

If you've tried everything why not kick him out? Lighting fires in the house is unacceptable. He'd be out of here. I don't believe you set a fire in your room because you are bored. Vengeful, self absorbed, angry, selfish, stupid maybe. Not bored.

Edited June 5, 2011 by Remudamom

[Harriet Vane]

Between the fires and the substance abuse, I'd say you need professional help, right away.

 

I will also suggest that you might need to consider a different environment for him. With substance abuse, sometimes a radical change in environment can help. For example, if a child is in public school, I would recommend changing to a private school environment, or homeschool depending on the emotional health of the parents. Just a thought for you to consider.

[cat]

Your doing good.... stay strong. I agree with the others that you should seek professional help.

 

Your son needs new friends. I would look at everyone he is hanging out with and make a change. I knew someone who was having trouble with their son and went to the extreme and moved..... it worked. He got new friends, cleaned up his life and turned it all around.

[A.Balaban]

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is so difficult. My parents went through some very difficult times with my sister when we were growing up (still are, in fact- some people never grow up).

 

From what I've skimmed in this thread, it seems like a lot of people are giving you some great advice. Above everything else, I feel, it is a parents job to be proactive. If you send your child to a psychiatrist, be aware that you may not have disclosure to talk to the psychiatrist about your son's issues due to HIPAA. I would recommend in addition that you undergo family counselling, both for you and your husband, with and without your teen.

 

Reacting with anger (that gut instinct reaction) is really the worst thing you can do to a difficult teenager, and it is the hardest to control. I just finished reading "Teaching with Love and Logic" and while it is a book designed for a classroom setting, I would highly recommend that you read "Parenting with Love and Logic" to help guide you and your husband with appropriate behavior.

 

As some of the other posters have said, in certain cases, after you have exhausted all options, the child simply has to be removed from the environment. Above all, do not be afraid of drastic changes to effect results sooner rather than later.