10th Grade Essay: How the US has been affected by modern technology

[Debbie in IL]

This is an essay that my dd (10th) wrote; she is finishing up MFW WHL. I typed it up exactly as written. I haven't critiqued it with her yet, although I do have some notes written down to discuss. I'd love to hear what anyone here thinks of it...I'm sure that will help me greatly. Thanks so much!

 

How the United States Has Been Affected by Modern Technology

 

Modern technology has affected the United States in many ways. I believe that most of the ways it has affected us are positive ones. We are able to communicate more easily now. Advances in education and the medical field have made our lives better and richer. We have indeed benefitted greatly. But we have also been sucked into a world where the screen has control of more of our attention than it should. There are so many positives that come with the arrival of modern technology, and they will stay positive if we don't allow them to be overshadowed by an obsession with the actual devices.

 

However, there truly is so much good about modern technology. One of the most innovative devices currently available is the iPad. The newest version of this thin, lightweight device includes two cameras for video and photo-recording purposes. The iPad, basically, acts as a small computer, with a heat-sensitive touch-screen and easy-to-use keyboard. The apps that are available for the system are simply amazing. Doctors, artisis, musiciains and other professionals use multiple and advanced applications on the system on a daily basis. For instance, doctors can use it to view X-ray images and receive patient information. Musicians may take advantage of the incredible application GarageBand, which allows them to create amnd compose songs. And artists can connect multiple devices to the iPad to edit photos, create "paintings", and even share their art. Technology also streamlines our lives a bit. For instance, you can receive magazine subscriptions and your daily newspaper on an iPad. It is extraordinarily convenient.

 

However, there is a bad side of modern technology. It is, in my eyes, a sad sight to see when a family is sitting in a resturant and the children are watching a movie on a portable DVD player. It's also a bit shocking when you think about just how many statuses, tweets, updates, emails, photos, etc. grace your favorite social network websites' homepage on a daily basis. People need to tear themselves away from these screens sometimes and actually live their life, instead of watching, reading and talking about how other people live theirs.

 

Overall, the effect that modern technology has had on the United States is a positive one. We have advanced greatly in medicine, science, education and communication. People with family and friends halfway across the world are able to easily communicate. Doctors are able to do and see things they never could before. Students have reached a new level of education, where everything is organized and accessible, not to mention portable. Technology has the potential to continue to do so much good, ike many other things, as long as it is used in moderation.

[Debbie in IL]

No takers? :) I probably should have posted this earlier - I know it is a busy time of year.

[Shelly in VA]

I'll take a look this afternoon!

[Debbie in IL]

Shelly - thank you so much! I appreciate it. Please don't worry if you don't have the time...I completely understand.

[Shelly in VA]

A few general thoughts on the piece:

 

First, if this is an essay, then there needs to be a thesis statement. Your dd needs to convince the reader that her view on the subject of technology is that it is generally positive, and she needs to support that argument. She should write the thesis statement in such a way that she is stating her point of view on the topic directly and in one sentence. By contrast, she presents her thesis weakly with this sentence: “I believe that most of the ways it has affected us are positive ones.†That sentence is too vague, and it restates the original question (How has the U.S. been affected by modern technology?) without giving any new information. There are many possible opinions on technology, not one right answer, so the paper needs to use a strong statement to express the author’s opinion and then demonstrate a strong use of evidence.

 

There are some spelling errors, but I did not address those.

 

Some specific items I noticed:

 

Advances in education and the medical field have made our lives better and richer.

This statement needs to be tied more directly to technological advancements; it implies that all education/medical advances are the result of technology, which is untrue and too broad.

 

We have indeed benefitted greatly.

 

This is a sentimental statement, but not one that adds substance to the essay.

 

But we have also been sucked into a world where the screen has control of more of our attention than it should.

 

This is a dramatic statement, and it passes judgement on the amount of attention we should give to electronic devices, which is not the point of the essay. This statement needs to be restated in a more factual way, stating how too much time spent with electronic devices has a negative impact on people.

 

However, there truly is so much good about modern technology.

 

Again, an emotional statement. This transition to the positive effects of technology will be stronger if it isn't quite so gushing. ;)

 

One of the most innovative devices currently available is the iPad. The newest version of this thin, lightweight device includes two cameras for video and photo-recording purposes. The iPad, basically, acts as a small computer, with a heat-sensitive touch-screen and easy-to-use keyboard. The apps that are available for the system are simply amazing. Doctors, artisis, musiciains and other professionals use multiple and advanced applications on the system on a daily basis. For instance, doctors can use it to view X-ray images and receive patient information. Musicians may take advantage of the incredible application GarageBand, which allows them to create amnd compose songs. And artists can connect multiple devices to the iPad to edit photos, create "paintings", and even share their art. Technology also streamlines our lives a bit. For instance, you can receive magazine subscriptions and your daily newspaper on an iPad. It is extraordinarily convenient.

 

This is a LOT of emphasis on ONE technological device. It almost sounds like an iPad advertisement! The strong points of technology would be better demonstrated if a few features of the iPad are mentioned, along with other technology and those benefits.

 

It is, in my eyes, a sad sight to see when a family is sitting in a resturant and the children are watching a movie on a portable DVD player. It's also a bit shocking when you think about just how many statuses, tweets, updates, emails, photos, etc. grace your favorite social network websites' homepage on a daily basis. People need to tear themselves away from these screens sometimes and actually live their life, instead of watching, reading and talking about how other people live theirs.

 

As above, too emotional and judgmental when the point here is to give evidence that technology has a negative side. These points would be more effective if they were stated differently, something along the lines of "One negative aspect of the ease of technology is that families may use time they could be interacting, for instance at a restaurant meal, to instead isolate themselves with their own individual electronic devices."

 

People with family and friends halfway across the world are able to easily communicate.

 

This is the first mention of this positive use of technology, and it is introduced at the end of the paper. New ideas should NOT be introduced in the conclusion.

 

Students have reached a new level of education, where everything is organized and accessible, not to mention portable.

 

As with the last comment, this is the first specific mention of using technology to organize information and make it portable. This point should have been introduced earlier.

 

In general, I think the piece could use more structure, with better defined introductory and conclusion material. That would help make it stronger.

 

HTH!

 

Shelly

[Shelly in VA]

No problem; I hope the edits are helpful. We are really struggling with writing here, with my 10th grade dd in particular, and it is very helpful for me to be able to get outside feedback for her. For me, personally, it helps to see the writing of other high school students, and it is a benefit to edit the writing of other kids (practice makes perfect, or something like that!).

 

Shelly

[Shelly in VA]

Also, a link if she is going to write this as a compare/contrast paper (good v. bad impact of technology): http://www.bookrags.com/articles/5.html

 

Shelly

[Debbie in IL]

Shelly - thank you, thank you, thank you! Dd and I are going to sit down together tomorrow and go through this. Your points are excellent ones. You brought up some that I hadn't even thought of! The emotion in her essays is a HUGE issue. So hard to teach her to keep it somewhat impersonal, but meaningful. Honestly, teaching writing is one of my most difficult subjects. I'm actually looking forward to it for tomorrow, though, having your excellent suggestions in hand. Thank you so much for taking the time to critique this - tomorrow is our last day of school for the year, and we are going to end on a strong note. :)

[at the beach]

I know nothing about MFW. These are just my thoughts, so take 'em or leave 'em as you see fit.:D Hope something is helpful. I agree with Shelly’s comments, too. I also am not addressing spelling errors.

 

1. With re: to title: To me, it would seem that instead of United States, society might be a better word. Now, I could just be wrong on this, but this is my gut feeling. I wish I could articulate why I feel this way on this but I can't seem to. It's a pretty broad topic, too, for a short essay. Also, she needs a very clearly defined thesis statement that outlines what she will prove in her essay, one sentence that states her position.

 

2. Avoid first person in academic essays for the most part. First person has its place, but it's helpful to write w/o it at least initially. Also, avoid "I believe, I think, in my eyes" etc.

 

3. With an essay of this length, I think it might help to have the topic limited to a particular type of technology and how society/humanity has been impacted by that specific technology. For example, she could narrow her focus to medical technology or communication technology. This will help her plan what aspects of technology she wants to really focus in on in her essay. Obviously, there is overlap between medical and communication technology but the focus of her essay will shift to discussing one aspect of technology instead of having a jumble of ideas regarding all kinds of technology.

 

4. When she discusses positives of technology, she focuses in on one thing only—the iPad. I don’t think she should limit her discussion to how one particular piece of equipment has contributed positively to society.

 

5. When discussing negatives, I think it would help for her to jot her ideas down in broad terms and then give examples. For example, her issue with communication technology seems to be that she feels it inhibits real human interaction. Why does she think this is bad? Example: A large part of life is developing relationships with others and when families stop interacting because they are focusing excess time on devices and social interaction online, they lose out on developing and strengthening family relationships. Do any scientific studies back up that online interaction is a detriment to us when it takes away from live interaction? Also, what about the health effects? There are always studies going on about the potential harm to our brains from cell phones. Her negatives seem to be too much of her judgment on how she views the situation--not sure I am articulating this well, sorry. Also, her entire paragraph on negatives focuses on communication technology. But in her intro she talks about other forms of technology, too, as well as in her paragraph on positives. So, I think she needs to narrow her focus and make sure that her intro and second paragraph then reflect what she is specifically addressing. Yes, communication tech can also impact the medical world, but I think her focus would then shift to discuss the communication aspect as opposed to discussing medical advances in detail.

 

6. In her conclusion, she states that technology is good as long as it’s used in moderation. So, here she refers to communication technology, right? But she has also mentioned other uses of technology in her essay. Are all types of technology that she has discussed to be used in moderation? She didn’t really prove that, did she? She does talk about medical advances in her essay but at no point does she in any way prove that those advances need to be used in moderation.

 

7. She makes sweeping generalized opinion statements in her essay. These detract from her essay. She needs to present information in a more factual manner as Shelly suggested.

 

I hope this is helpful in some way.:001_smile:

[Debbie in IL]

Violet...thank you so much! I will definitely be incorporating your suggestions into my discussion with dd. I appreciate you taking the time to comment!