Dilemma over Harry Potter

[stansclan89]

Just a thought how would you feel if your MIL secretly gave or let your dc read/watch something that you did not approve of? I think you MIL deserves the same respect for her child. We have pretty much avoided the whole HP thing. My oldest is almost 8 and has just even noticed it. I'm sure in the future I will have to visit the whole notion.

 

I think that a lot of people are confusing the issue. Stages is not undermining MIL's authority. Her dh is. She is having issues with that. If you want to equate it to Stages it would be more like this:

 

FIL gave her dc something he knew she did not approve of. MIL knew he was going to do it and and told him she did not approve of him undermining Stages, but did not inform Stages he was going to do it. Should Stages be angry at MIL for undermining her authority? No. FIL did it, not MIL.

[roxanne23]

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Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23

[Stages]

I think that a lot of people are confusing the issue. Stages is not undermining MIL's authority. Her dh is. She is having issues with that. If you want to equate it to Stages it would be more like this:

 

FIL gave her dc something he knew she did not approve of. MIL knew he was going to do it and and told him she did not approve of him undermining Stages, but did not inform Stages he was going to do it. Should Stages be angry at MIL for undermining her authority? No. FIL did it, not MIL.

 

Thank you. I was starting to suspect that some people might have missed that part.

 

I truly don't want to do anything to hurt my relationship with my MIL. She really is a wonderful woman.

 

 

 

To answer your original question, we aren't currently allowing HP, but we will in a few years. I have no issue with them being wizards, but there is a lot of death (especially in the later books) and I would wait until I felt my kids had the emotional maturity to handle that. (Types the lady that just read the books two years ago and wept at the end of the last few...)

 

I cried too. I'm way more excited about this trip than I should be.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Stages

[Carol in Cal.]

And this special position is what grandparents claim when they take the grandchildren to/for things parents don't approve of. Then when the parent comes here to rant (s)he is told how horrible the grandparents are and that boundaries have been overrun, etc., and so forth.

 

Not nice.

 

I didn't mean that it makes it OK, but just that it's a little different than the standard case. It means that there might be dynamics that we don't know. With siblings that's usually so. For instance, maybe the dynamic is that the sibs do stuff together that the parents don't really mind but wouldn't do themselvels. Maybe the sibs have an informal arrangement to widen each other's horizons, and maybe the parents don't mind as long as it stays within the family. Certainly the sibs would know each other better than almost anyone else. One of the tricky parts is that one is presumably mature and the other is not--not that common in these situations. It makes it hard to know what is right.

[Sophia]

I wasn't going to say anything, but since a lot of people have mentioned this, I suppose I should say that MIL has given my daughter things that I don't necessarily approve of- like giving her a nativity set for Christmas and taking her to church without my knowledge, as well as talking to her (innocuously) about God. My husband and I are not religious, and would prefer for any religious information to come from us. We know she didn't mean harm by it, and if I made a big deal about it, I don't think she would do it again, so we just let it go.

 

Well then, it sounds like your mil and your dh are two of a kind and I'd just stay out of the way for when the fireworks start to fly :tongue_smilie:.

[SweetBean]

My personal feelings are that now your dh is out of the nest it's time for him to stop ruffling feathers there. I have a hard time with others judging what's best for someone else's child and trying to circumvent family rules or values. You'll get your own chance to parent and make those calls- please be respectful of your MIL's in the meantime.

 

For the HP area- I would ask MIL in private if you feel you must. This will allow her to think it over without a 'very upset' 14yo pulling at her sleeve.

:iagree:

[silliness7]

For parents that don't allow Harry Potter, how old are your children? If they are young, do you think you will ease up on it when they get older?

 

I ask because we are going to Universal Studios with my inlaws in a few weeks, where they have a fantastic looking Harry Potter themed area. My husband and I are huge fans, but my mother-in-law won't allow my 14 year old sister-in-law to read the books or watch the movies. My MIL is very conservative, but I know her opinions are only based on what she's heard about the franchise, not firsthand knowledge.

 

I'm fairly certain MIL will take our daughter to a preschool-y area while we go to Harry Potter, but I know SIL will want to go with us. If you don't allow Harry Potter, would you make an exception for something like that? SIL adores her brother (my husband), and she would be very upset if she didn't get to see it with us.

 

Then, the last issue- my husband wants to get my SIL an audiobook of the first Harry Potter for her to secretly listen to on the way to Florida. My husband has a long history of giving his sister media his mother wouldn't necessarily approve of (the Matrix, Star Wars, etc.), so this wouldn't be anything new. I'm staying out of it, because although I agree that my SIL should be allowed to read whatever she wants, it's not my call. Plus, I like that MIL likes me, and I don't want to mess that up. :001_smile: For what it's worth, my father-in-law doesn't seem to have an opinion in this.

 

What would you do in this situation? I don't like that my husband is undermining his mom, but I agree that SIL should be able to read something like Harry Potter (Twilight no, but Harry Potter, absolutely).

 

I'm saying this very gently and haven't read the other posts. I hope they are all nice. :001_smile: You agree that there is unacceptable material out there, ie. Twilight (not everyone would agree with you) The question is, who gets to decide what is and is not appropriate for their dd? Parents. period. Yes, her decision may be uninformed and you can suggest she read the books. But if she does not want to, you should leave it alone.

 

In your situation I would treat my family unit as a unit and if we wanted to all go to Harry Potter than we would. If sil is disappointed that she's not allowed to go that's for her to take up with her parental unit. You should not get involved in their "discussion" or disagreement on the matter and I don't think your dh should. Of course, he's a grown man and will do what he will do but you are in a position to tell him that he probably shouldn't. He would not like it if his parents or in-laws or neighbors or what-have-you subverted his wishes for his children, I'm guessing.

 

ETA: Have fun on your trip!!! My kids would have a blast at Harry Potter-land. I"m jealous. :D

[Starr]

Look at the map and read about the different areas. HP World doesn't have to take a whole day. You can get in line early and run up there and meet the others somewhere for lunch. And as a recent visitor, I loved Suess World. :) Or maybe you can get mom to go because if you haven't read the books its just a village.

[Guest immature_undermining_dh]

Since my wife has chosen to discuss me on a public forum (and since she has a flair for the dramatic), I feel I should clarify a few things:

 

1. I have directly discussed this issue with my mother multiple times. Every time I have asked about it, she has agreed to let my sister read Harry Potter, but I have always found out later from my sister that she was not allowed to do so. When this occurs, I wait a year or two before asking again. In short, I have always asked permission and been granted it directly, including this time.
   
2. I may be immature (being mature is overrated, I find), but I have at least lived long enough to understand the negative mental/emotional consequences - i.e. none - of disobeying my mother's media restrictions when I was younger. I have great respect for my mother, but I have no respect for her restrictions on media. She is incredibly inconsistent about it and forms her opinions based upon email forwards and ignorance. Still, I tend to not undermine her wishes for my sister, but rather apply external pressure. That is, I actively introduce her to things that she may otherwise not be introduced to, but I usually I ask permission to do so. I am more of an advocate for my sister than a mischief facilitator (though I have been known to dabble in that here and there).
   
3. I don't have a problem with my mother discussing religion with my daughter so long as she doesn't use it to denigrate or scare her or try to force her viewpoint on her. I don't think she would ever do this. The nativity set was cute, and I'm a big fan of it.
   

 

[MindyD]

Since my wife has chosen to discuss me on a public forum (and since she has a flair for the dramatic), I feel I should clarify a few things:

 

1. I have directly discussed this issue with my mother multiple times. Every time I have asked about it, she has agreed to let my sister read Harry Potter, but I have always found out later from my sister that she was not allowed to do so. When this occurs, I wait a year or two before asking again. In short, I have always asked permission and been granted it directly, including this time.

2. I may be immature (being mature is overrated, I find), but I have at least lived long enough to understand the negative mental/emotional consequences - i.e. none - of disobeying my mother's media restrictions when I was younger. I have great respect for my mother, but I have no respect for her restrictions on media. She is incredibly inconsistent about it and forms her opinions based upon email forwards and ignorance. Still, I tend to not undermine her wishes for my sister, but rather apply external pressure. That is, I actively introduce her to things that she may otherwise not be introduced to, but I usually I ask permission to do so. I am more of an advocate for my sister than a mischief facilitator (though I have been known to dabble in that here and there).

3. I don't have a problem with my mother discussing religion with my daughter so long as she doesn't use it to denigrate or scare her or try to force her viewpoint on her. I don't think she would ever do this. The nativity set was cute, and I'm a big fan of it.

 

 

Fantastic! :001_smile: Have fun, we'll be there in a few weeks too!

[Nestof3]

Her ways may seem inconsistent to you, and they may be. But, she is the mom. You have your chance to do everything the way you see fit in your child. And, as an adult, you have a chance to revisit all the things she kept you from as a child.

 

Honestly, there are children neglected and unloved by so many parents in the world that it's hard to feel a lot of sympathy for someone who's just upset because he/she was deprived of certain media growing up. I think most parents just do the best they can because they love their children and want the best.

 

Shucks, I wish my parents had done lots of things differently. I wish I had been read to a lot. I wish my mom had taken me to bookstores and libraries. I wish my parents had been interested in educational topics. I wish they had introduced me to more experiences. But, I don't begrudge them. I just do things differently now that it's my turn.

 

They did sacrifice a lot for me, loved me and cared for me -- probably the best they knew how. I hope my kids give me the benefit of the doubt one day and forgive all my mistakes.

 

Since my wife has chosen to discuss me on a public forum (and since she has a flair for the dramatic), I feel I should clarify a few things:

1. I have directly discussed this issue with my mother multiple times. Every time I have asked about it, she has agreed to let my sister read Harry Potter, but I have always found out later from my sister that she was not allowed to do so. When this occurs, I wait a year or two before asking again. In short, I have always asked permission and been granted it directly, including this time.
   
2. I may be immature (being mature is overrated, I find), but I have at least lived long enough to understand the negative mental/emotional consequences - i.e. none - of disobeying my mother's media restrictions when I was younger. I have great respect for my mother, but I have no respect for her restrictions on media. She is incredibly inconsistent about it and forms her opinions based upon email forwards and ignorance. Still, I tend to not undermine her wishes for my sister, but rather apply external pressure. That is, I actively introduce her to things that she may otherwise not be introduced to, but I usually I ask permission to do so. I am more of an advocate for my sister than a mischief facilitator (though I have been known to dabble in that here and there).
   
3. I don't have a problem with my mother discussing religion with my daughter so long as she doesn't use it to denigrate or scare her or try to force her viewpoint on her. I don't think she would ever do this. The nativity set was cute, and I'm a big fan of it.
   

[kalanamak]

Since my wife has chosen to discuss me on a public forum (and since she has a flair for the dramatic), I feel I should clarify a few things:

 

:lol::lol:

 

I'm grateful for the things my older sibs quietly introduced me to. I loved my parents, but they were Victorian as all get out. Our dictionary was a 1902 edition. Our camera was a 1938 model. I remember my brother taking me down to a store and teaching me about calculators. I was 12 or so. That kind of thing.

 

Cherish that flair for the dramatic. It will keep your marriage young.

[twoxcell]

Well I'm of the mind set that I do not want to do to someone else something I wouldn't want done to me. You know the whole “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets". I do not think this is really a HP issue so much as a parenting clash KWIM. I honestly would not care that much if my dc rode a HP ride when they were a teenager. If it really means that much to you have your dh discuss it with his mom, otherwise I would just drop it and have fun on other rides.

[twoxcell]

Ok so I missed the post where your dh said he has already discussed it with her;). Sounds like he should just say hey mom is it ok if sis goes to the HP area with us, and then take her when she says yes.:lol:

[Julie in CA]

This isn't about Harry Potter. The book could be any book.

 

This is about respecting another parent and their authority.

I would refuse to participate in what my dh had planned, and I would let him know just how severely disappointed I would be if he carried out his plan. I would probably also counsel my youthful sil that even when tempted by those close to her, she should follow the lead of her parents and respect their wishes in what is truly a small thing to ask of her.

 

There are plenty of other great books to read.

[ereks mom]

I don't that's fair to Stages. She's choosing (it appears) to stay out of someone else's business. How her husband chooses to handle HIS personal relationships with his sister and his mother is HIS business.

 

Stages may have her own opinions on the matter, but opinions are not actions and it sounds like she hasn't done anything herself to disrespect the MIL's choices for the teenage girl.

 

IMO, the person who sees something happening and looks the other way just to keep from getting involved is already involved anyway. The OP knows what her dh is planning to do, but if she takes the tack that some are suggesting--say and do nothing so that she can later claim to have known nothing about any of it--well, that is deceitful, IMO.

Edited May 31, 2011 by ereks mom

[BlsdMama]

My husband and I are huge fans, but my mother-in-law won't allow my 14 year old sister-in-law to read the books or watch the movies. My MIL is very conservative, but I know her opinions are only based on what she's heard about the franchise, not firsthand knowledge.

 

 

Then, the last issue- my husband wants to get my SIL an audiobook of the first Harry Potter for her to secretly listen

What would you do in this situation? I don't like that my husband is undermining his mom, but I agree that SIL should be able to read something like Harry Potter (Twilight no, but Harry Potter, absolutely).

 

Frankly? How much does your husband hate his mother that he would consciously go behind her back and do something he knows she wouldn't allow?

 

I haven't read the other comments, so I'll just go out on my own.

 

The CHILD is 14. The MOTHER has the right to make these decisions. It reallly doesn't matter if you agree with them on a sliding scale (Twilight vs. Potter) or not. It's her child, it's her call.

 

Moreover, my feelings on Harry Potter aside, and yes I DID indeed read them in order to make my decision on whether or not our children could read them, I can tell you that giving a child of mine contraband items would absolutely insure limited contact. If he loves his sister and she loves him and he takes that relationship very seriously then planting this root of sneaking things by Mom isn't something a responsible adult not only applauds but actually introduces.

[DawnM]

I really have nothing to add to the discussion re: your DH and his sister, but wanted to know if you will post what you thought of the park when you get back. We are going in November.

 

Dawn

[Trish]

I wasn't going to say anything, but since a lot of people have mentioned this, I suppose I should say that MIL has given my daughter things that I don't necessarily approve of- like giving her a nativity set for Christmas and taking her to church without my knowledge, as well as talking to her (innocuously) about God. My husband and I are not religious, and would prefer for any religious information to come from us. We know she didn't mean harm by it, and if I made a big deal about it, I don't think she would do it again, so we just let it go.

 

Well the Harry Potter thing would be a great way to avenge this! And all with complete deniability. Especially if there's a Drama Shortage in the family relationships, it's never too late to start.

 

:confused:

[ereks mom]

I think that a lot of people are confusing the issue. Stages is not undermining MIL's authority. Her dh is. She is having issues with that. If you want to equate it to Stages it would be more like this:

 

FIL gave her dc something he knew she did not approve of. MIL knew he was going to do it and and told him she did not approve of him undermining Stages, but did not inform Stages he was going to do it. Should Stages be angry at MIL for undermining her authority? No. FIL did it, not MIL.

 

I get that. The part that bothers me is that the OP knows what is being planned, and some people here are encouraging her to keep quiet so that later on, she can claim that she did NOT know. Which would be a lie.

[Old Dominion Heather]

I'd say get her the audio book and load it onto an ipod and give it to her to listen to on the way. Your mom already gave you permission, so go for it. Maybe you might want to look online for some of the resources from a Christian perspective about why HP is such a good series and provide them as reading material for your mom?

 

I'd also assume that it will be fine if you ride the rides in the HP section. If she gets upset, you can refer to the fact that she already told you it was ok for your sister to read them, so you didn't consider that it would be a problem.

[LidiyaDawn]

I don't that's fair to Stages. She's choosing (it appears) to stay out of someone else's business. How her husband chooses to handle HIS personal relationships with his sister and his mother is HIS business.

 

Stages may have her own opinions on the matter, but opinions are not actions and it sounds like she hasn't done anything herself to disrespect the MIL's choices for the teenage girl.

 

IMO, the person who sees something happening and looks the other way just to keep from getting involved is already involved anyway. The OP knows what her dh is planning to do, but if she takes the tack that some are suggesting--say and do nothing so that she can later claim to have known nothing about any of it--well, that is deceitful, IMO.

 

So you'd have the OP do what…. go behind her husband's back and "rat him out" to his mother? I'm sure that will do wonders for relationships all the way around. :001_huh:

 

Just because someone knows something is happening doesn't always mean that the person should jump right in….do you jump into EVERY situation where you don't agree with someone else's actions? No matter who the players are?

 

I know I sure don't. Sometimes, I just sit back and keep my mouth shut because it ain't any of my business.

[vonfirmath]

What would you think about your husband's sister giving things to your kids that she knows you do not approve of?

 

Anything you do now to undermine MIL could come back that way on your kids in the future.

[ereks mom]

So you'd have the OP do what…. go behind her husband's back and "rat him out" to his mother? I'm sure that will do wonders for relationships all the way around. :001_huh:

 

Just because someone knows something is happening doesn't always mean that the person should jump right in….do you jump into EVERY situation where you don't agree with someone else's actions? No matter who the players are?

 

I know I sure don't. Sometimes, I just sit back and keep my mouth shut because it ain't any of my business.

 

 

It looks like one of those situations where you and I will have to agree to disagree.

[HS Mom in NC]

I have no problem with my kids reading HP, Twilight, etc. We've read it all and we've seen it all since they were in middle elementary school. (I'm a fundamentalist Christian, by the way.)

 

I have a HUGE problem with someone else interfering with what another parent has chosen to do with their own children. No one is going to die without reading HP and going to the HP parts of an amusement park as a minor. When she's an adult, she can select her own reading material, until then it's disrespectful to interfere with the parenting of someone else's children.

 

Your husband should take the long view here and realize that interfering with parenting is only destructive to his relationship with his mother and your mother's relationship with your SIL. It's not worth the conflict it will cause. Warn him: You reap what you sow.

[Hannah C.]

What would you think if your older dc gave your younger dc books that you didn't want them reading? That's a better question, imho, than what would you think if MIL did something like that...

 

If my mother had given permission for my sister to do something (even if she later retracted it or somehow didn't act on it), I would take advantage of it, provided my sister was actually interested. If it was my DH, I would stay out of it, and tell my MIL to talk to DH if MIL was later upset.

 

It is quite possible that I'll find myself in a similar situation someday, considering the ages of my younger siblings. I think there are a lot of variables in sibling relationships and age differences that affect all this, too - I would be less likely to do something like this if it was a sibling around the age of my dc than I would if it was a sibling closer in age to me.

[cat]

Most people I know who do not allow their kids to read it or see the movies do so because of religious reasons. I would not rock the boat. If you are set on going to see the Harry Potter area, then perhaps you can head to the park early and then meet them over in another area after seeing it by yourself. Why upset the MIL. It's not worth it. Maybe you could talk it over with her before hand and come to some kind of agreement.

 

I would not give your husbands sister the book to listen to or read. She's old enough to head over to the library and check it out on her own.

 

I have never read nor seen any of the movies, not for religious reasons, just because I'm just not interested in that kind of movie... but I think it would be neat to check out the creation at Universal.