Dilemma over Harry Potter

[Stages]

For parents that don't allow Harry Potter, how old are your children? If they are young, do you think you will ease up on it when they get older?

 

I ask because we are going to Universal Studios with my inlaws in a few weeks, where they have a fantastic looking Harry Potter themed area. My husband and I are huge fans, but my mother-in-law won't allow my 14 year old sister-in-law to read the books or watch the movies. My MIL is very conservative, but I know her opinions are only based on what she's heard about the franchise, not firsthand knowledge.

 

I'm fairly certain MIL will take our daughter to a preschool-y area while we go to Harry Potter, but I know SIL will want to go with us. If you don't allow Harry Potter, would you make an exception for something like that? SIL adores her brother (my husband), and she would be very upset if she didn't get to see it with us.

 

Then, the last issue- my husband wants to get my SIL an audiobook of the first Harry Potter for her to secretly listen to on the way to Florida. My husband has a long history of giving his sister media his mother wouldn't necessarily approve of (the Matrix, Star Wars, etc.), so this wouldn't be anything new. I'm staying out of it, because although I agree that my SIL should be allowed to read whatever she wants, it's not my call. Plus, I like that MIL likes me, and I don't want to mess that up. :001_smile: For what it's worth, my father-in-law doesn't seem to have an opinion in this.

 

What would you do in this situation? I don't like that my husband is undermining his mom, but I agree that SIL should be able to read something like Harry Potter (Twilight no, but Harry Potter, absolutely).

Edited May 30, 2011 by Stages

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't think it's right to undermine the rents, as the saying goes. However, a sibling is in a special position in that regard, and so it's hard to advise you.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

As a much older sibling to my youngest sister and brother, I definitely introduced them to things that my mother would not have approved. So, I'd leave this entirely up to your dh. Don't get involved in any way. Just enjoy the HP exhibit, with or without SIL.

[KristinaBreece]

I think I would tell DH that he is absolutely on his own for this one, then look the other way while he did it. Because it's a sibling issue, really-- this is the kind of thing siblings do, IME. But I would make sure he knows his mom is going to be pissed, and that he'll have to deal with that on his own.

[jasar31629]

My husband has a long history of giving his sister media his mother wouldn't necessarily approve of (the Matrix, Star Wars, etc.), so this wouldn't be anything new.

 

My personal feelings are that now your dh is out of the nest it's time for him to stop ruffling feathers there. I have a hard time with others judging what's best for someone else's child and trying to circumvent family rules or values. You'll get your own chance to parent and make those calls- please be respectful of your MIL's in the meantime.

 

For the HP area- I would ask MIL in private if you feel you must. This will allow her to think it over without a 'very upset' 14yo pulling at her sleeve.

[Quiver0f10]

My personal feelings are that now your dh is out of the nest it's time for him to stop ruffling feathers there. I have a hard time with others judging what's best for someone else's child and trying to circumvent family rules or values. You'll get your own chance to parent and make those calls- please be respectful of your MIL's in the meantime.

 

 

:iagree:

[momofkhm]

For parents that don't allow Harry Potter, how old are your children? If they are young, do you think you will ease up on it when they get older?

 

I ask because we are going to Universal Studios with my inlaws in a few weeks, where they have a fantastic looking Harry Potter themed area. My husband and I are huge fans, but my mother-in-law won't allow my 14 year old sister-in-law to read the books or watch the movies.

 

I let one of my children read HP. The others no. The oldest is allowed (16 yo) but my 14 yo and 10 yo - no. I want them to have a good solid foundation in their faith before they read about witches and witchcraft, etc that are not allegorical. I will allow the youngers to read HP as they get older, prob next year for the 14 yo. But by the time they are allowed there will prob be something else on the horizon.

 

I would not undermine your MIL. If your dh wants to, that is up to him. I would not be undermining my mom as there would be severe repercussions. But the area at Universal, to me that would be ok. If we take our kids to Universal before they are all allowed to read HP, then yes, we would all go to that area and enjoy it. We'd explain things along the way.

 

But again, I feel that is up to your MIL not you. As someone else said, you'll have your chance. This is your MIL's child. You must have thought she did a good job once - you married her son. :)

[twoforjoy]

I think I would tell DH that he is absolutely on his own for this one, then look the other way while he did it. Because it's a sibling issue, really-- this is the kind of thing siblings do, IME. But I would make sure he knows his mom is going to be pissed, and that he'll have to deal with that on his own.

 

I agree. I don't necessarily think he's wrong, but I'm not sure he's right. It's definitely his issue with his sister and MIL, though, not yours. So I'd just let my husband do what he wanted and stay out of it as far as possible.

[LisaKinVA]

My children have not read any of the books, or seen any of the movies. My oldest is 11. He is a bit younger than the kids who grew up on Harry Potter. My dh and I have watched the Harry Potter movies (well, most of them anyhow).

 

The answer is yes, though. I will ease up on those restrictions as they age. My comfort zone when it comes to books it fairly large, however I do think there is an appropriate time/place/age for things.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh needs to talk to his mother before the trip. I hope that if he were respectful and objective, that his mother would hear him out and try to be objective while doing so. HOWEVER, if he goes in with the attitude that what she as a mother feels about this doesn't really matter, then he's already lost. Then he needs to sit back and let his mom make the final decision regarding both the audiobook and the ride.

 

While sneaking around behind your parent's back might be a "sibling thing", I think that once you are adults, you should act like an adult and realize that undermining a parent's authority is wrong.

 

If his mother says "no" to the audiobook and the rides then I would forego both of them. I would save the Harry Potter area for a day or time when your mom, daughter and sil are doing something else exciting and you are "doing something special as a couple". I would keep it a secret from your sil to avoid building up resentment in her toward her mother. The fact is, once your sil is older, she can read the HP books and still enjoy them. She can go to the rides etc. on her own too at that time.

[Parrothead]

I don't think it's right to undermine the rents, as the saying goes. However, a sibling is in a special position in that regard, and so it's hard to advise you.

And this special position is what grandparents claim when they take the grandchildren to/for things parents don't approve of. Then when the parent comes here to rant (s)he is told how horrible the grandparents are and that boundaries have been overrun, etc., and so forth.

 

Not nice.

[Jan in SC]

If you want to get along with your MIL, you need plausible deniability!! As your dh has already told you his plan, I would encourage him to discuss it with his mom before you leave. I would encourage both of them to include the 14 year old in that discussion.

 

If your dh decides to be the awesome older brother, then I would act very surprised!!

 

Good luck!!!

[mazakaal]

My personal feelings are that now your dh is out of the nest it's time for him to stop ruffling feathers there. I have a hard time with others judging what's best for someone else's child and trying to circumvent family rules or values. You'll get your own chance to parent and make those calls- please be respectful of your MIL's in the meantime.

 

For the HP area- I would ask MIL in private if you feel you must. This will allow her to think it over without a 'very upset' 14yo pulling at her sleeve.

 

I agree with this. I think your dh should stay out of parenting his sister and should respect his mom's wishes. Otherwise how can you expect MIL to respect your wishes with your own children? But you can't control what your dh does. If it was me, I'd make sure that my dh knew that I completely disapproved of his actions and support MIL's right to raise her dd as she sees fit.

 

To answer your original question, I didn't allow my dc to read the books when they were younger. If the teenagers were interested in them now, I would pre-read them all before making a decision.

Edited May 30, 2011 by MeganP

[Sophia]

What would you do in this situation? I don't like that my husband is undermining his mom, but I agree that SIL should be able to read something like Harry Potter (Twilight no, but Harry Potter, absolutely).

 

Well, you say no to Twilight, but yes to HP.

What if your ds and his wife feel that is wrong and undermine you in 20 years by introducing Twilight to your other dc? Would you be ok with that?

 

I think relatives undermining each other is wrong and hurtful and a good way to damage relationships.

[Stages]

I think you are right- tell DH to talk to his mom, then act like I'm completely surprised if he does it anyway. I think DH has a hard time understanding his mom because she became more conservative after he had already left the house, so he got to do a lot more than his sister did.

 

If his mother says "no" to the audiobook and the rides then I would forego both of them. I would save the Harry Potter area for a day or time when your mom, daughter and sil are doing something else exciting and you are "doing something special as a couple". I would keep it a secret from your sil to avoid building up resentment in her toward her mother. The fact is, once your sil is older, she can read the HP books and still enjoy them. She can go to the rides etc. on her own too at that time.

 

The problem with the above is that it's only a three day trip, and MIL, daughter, and I are already sitting out the middle day. The only time we have would be the last day when all of us will be at the park. This is the first major family vacation we've ever taken, so we can't really run off by ourselves. Nine hour drive + huge expense = family togetherness.

 

Well, you say no to Twilight, but yes to HP.

What if your ds and his wife feel that is wrong and undermine you in 20 years by introducing Twilight to your other dc? Would you be ok with that?

 

I say no Twilight because I don't see any redeeming value in it...of course, I haven't read them either and I'm just basing my opinion on what I've heard and the internet. ;) I don't have an issue with books- I think that your brain will just skip over anything you're not ready to process yet. Movies I'm a bit different on, because you can't really get an image out of your head once it's there. I will say, though, my husband and I are atheist, so that probably shapes our views quite a bit.

 

It's hard for me to say how I would react to something like that. Part of me wants to say that it's a much older siblings place to do that, much like it's a grandparent's right to spoil. I've caught my mom several times giving my daughter a sip of diet coke, even though she knows Holden's not allowed to drink soda. All I do is give my mom the stink eye and sigh- not make a big deal about it. So I don't know.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Stages

[*********]

Frist of all, no, dh and I do not allow HP in our home for our children, regardless of their age.

 

However, I know that dsd and dss read/watch HP at their mother's house.

 

If either dss or dsd were to give my little boys a HP book to read/movie to watch without my knowledge, there would be serious consequences. That said, I really can't imagine that ever happening. Dsd and dss are respectful of our house rules (even the ones that they don't agree with and/or are different at their mom's). Not to mention, neither of my little boys would read/watch HP without my permission. They just wouldn't; they wouldn't want to be disobedient.

 

I suspect that your dh knows it's not right to 'sneak' HP to his little sister. Disagreeing with rules set up by other parents does not give anyone the right to help a child break them; barring some sort of abuse.

 

If it were my dh, I'd talk to him about it, let him know exactly how I feel, then drop it. But I'd be VERY disappointed if he did it. Imagine if the situation were reversed; if dh's mother gave *my* children something secretly because she *knew* we didn't allow it. I'd be LIVID!

[LittleIzumi]

And this special position is what grandparents claim when they take the grandchildren to/for things parents don't approve of. Then when the parent comes here to rant (s)he is told how horrible the grandparents are and that boundaries have been overrun, etc., and so forth.

 

Not nice.

:iagree: If an anti-HP mom was here & this happened, she'd probably come post very upset that her son undermined her, went again her direct wishes, exposed her daughter to something she does not agree with against her will, etc, & we'd all declaim how horrible & out-of-line that was.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think you are right- tell DH to talk to his mom, then act like I'm completely surprised if he does it anyway. I think DH has a hard time understanding his mom because she became more conservative after he had already left the house, so he got to do a lot more than his sister did.

 

 

 

The problem with the above is that it's only a three day trip, and MIL, daughter, and I are already sitting out the middle day. The only time we have would be the last day when all of us will be at the park. This is the first major family vacation we've ever taken, so we can't really run off by ourselves. Nine hour drive + huge expense = family togetherness.

 

Is sil and your dh already doing something on the second day? Could you ask MIL to have a "girl's time" with your sil and dd, while you and your dh go on that day or part of that day?

[raceNzanesmom]

We don't allow HP and I would be VERY upset if anyone (including ILs, siblings, etc) went behind my back and allowed it.

[Debbie in OR]

Well, you say no to Twilight, but yes to HP.

What if your ds and his wife feel that is wrong and undermine you in 20 years by introducing Twilight to your other dc? Would you be ok with that?

 

I think relatives undermining each other is wrong and hurtful and a good way to damage relationships.

 

 

This is what I was thinking....turn it around and see how it would make you feel. Parents still have the responsibility and the privilege of making the rules.

[Stages]

Is sil and your dh already doing something on the second day? Could you ask MIL to have a "girl's time" with your sil and dd, while you and your dh go on that day or part of that day?

 

MIL and I are sitting out on the second day is to save on ticket money and so we can have some low-key time. I get motion sick and MIL has some knee problems, so we'll need a break. DH and SIL will be riding roller coasters at Universal on the middle day while we rest, then all of us will go to Islands of Adventures the last day. I wish there were an elegant scheduling solution for this.

[Aubrey]

1. Your dh is nuts--I'd never want to mess w/ a mama's idea of how to raise her kids.

 

2. Turn it around: what if fil decides to "sneak" things to your dc that you or your dh disapprove of--nobody likes that.

 

3.HP: We don't allow it *yet.* But dh & I stood in line at midnight for the last book, so we're *eagerly* looking fwd to the day we DO allow it. Different situation, but you asked.

 

Dh wants to give our dc one book/year, starting at 11. Partly, he figures if they're the same age as HP, they'll be mature enough for the issues involved. Partly, he's mean: he wants them to have to wait for the books like we did. (We didn't have to wait, except for the last one, because we were late to the train, but he ignores this, lol.)

 

Ds turns 11 this Christmas. We'll see if we (dh) really have the *ahem* fortitude to make him wait to finish the series. :lol:

[LidiyaDawn]

I'd stay out of the husband/sister/mother thing ~ he can make his own decisions as to how he handles his mother, his sister, and whatever. I wouldn't get into the middle of that, nope.

[dcurry]

It's hard for me to say how I would react to something like that. Part of me wants to say that it's a much older siblings place to do that, much like it's a grandparent's right to spoil. I've caught my mom several times giving my daughter a sip of diet coke, even though she knows Holden's not allowed to drink soda. All I do is give my mom the stink eye and sigh- not make a big deal about it. So I don't know.

 

You & your husband need to respect her parenting decisions. Encouraging a teenager to deliberately and secretly go against her parents wishes is much more serious than slipping a 3 year old a sip of diet coke. However, even this small thing causes you to give your mom the "stink eye". It's the idea of undermining the parent's authority in either case.

 

If you & your dh take off for an hour or two to see Harry Potter and then join the rest of the family, it shouldn't need to be a huge issue. I wouldn't encourage any of them to do something that's against their conscience. And family may need to be more important than Harry Potter.

[Stages]

I'd stay out of the husband/sister/mother thing ~ he can make his own decisions as to how he handles his mother, his sister, and whatever. I wouldn't get into the middle of that, nope.

 

I think I agree. I really do love my MIL, and she's never done anything that I know of that goes against my rules/wishes for our daughter. I think my husband might just have to be on his own here.

[m0mmaBuck]

You & your husband need to respect her parenting decisions. Encouraging a teenager to deliberately and secretly go against her parents wishes is much more serious than slipping a 3 year old a sip of diet coke. However, even this small thing causes you to give your mom the "stink eye". It's the idea of undermining the parent's authority in either case.

 

If you & your dh take off for an hour or two to see Harry Potter and then join the rest of the family, it shouldn't need to be a huge issue. I wouldn't encourage any of them to do something that's against their conscience. And family may need to be more important than Harry Potter.

 

:iagree:

[Sophia]

 

I say no Twilight because I don't see any redeeming value in it...of course, I haven't read them either and I'm just basing my opinion on what I've heard and the internet. ;) I don't have an issue with books- I think that your brain will just skip over anything you're not ready to process yet. Movies I'm a bit different on, because you can't really get an image out of your head once it's there. I will say, though, my husband and I are atheist, so that probably shapes our views quite a bit.

 

It's hard for me to say how I would react to something like that. Part of me wants to say that it's a much older siblings place to do that, much like it's a grandparent's right to spoil. I've caught my mom several times giving my daughter a sip of diet coke, even though she knows Holden's not allowed to drink soda. All I do is give my mom the stink eye and sigh- not make a big deal about it. So I don't know.

 

The point isn't really about Twilight or Harry Potter, though. It's about respecting a parent's right to raise their dc according to their own values.

 

Your dc is young yet, but there will come a time when something becomes really important to you, and you will not want another adult undermining you~especially a family member you love and trust.

[ereks mom]

For parents that don't allow Harry Potter, how old are your children? If they are young, do you think you will ease up on it when they get older?

 

I ask because we are going to Universal Studios with my inlaws in a few weeks, where they have a fantastic looking Harry Potter themed area. My husband and I are huge fans, but my mother-in-law won't allow my 14 year old sister-in-law to read the books or watch the movies. My MIL is very conservative, but I know her opinions are only based on what she's heard about the franchise, not firsthand knowledge.

 

I'm fairly certain MIL will take our daughter to a preschool-y area while we go to Harry Potter, but I know SIL will want to go with us. If you don't allow Harry Potter, would you make an exception for something like that? SIL adores her brother (my husband), and she would be very upset if she didn't get to see it with us.

 

Then, the last issue- my husband wants to get my SIL an audiobook of the first Harry Potter for her to secretly listen to on the way to Florida. My husband has a long history of giving his sister media his mother wouldn't necessarily approve of (the Matrix, Star Wars, etc.), so this wouldn't be anything new. I'm staying out of it, because although I agree that my SIL should be allowed to read whatever she wants, it's not my call. Plus, I like that MIL likes me, and I don't want to mess that up. :001_smile: For what it's worth, my father-in-law doesn't seem to have an opinion in this.

 

What would you do in this situation? I don't like that my husband is undermining his mom, but I agree that SIL should be able to read something like Harry Potter (Twilight no, but Harry Potter, absolutely).

 

First, I think it's commendable that you are considering your MIL's feelings in all of this. Your 14yo SIL is your MIL's child, and I'm glad you are seeing that it's MIL's call and not yours nor your dh's, even though the child is his sister. It doesn't matter whether you think she should be allowed to read Harry Potter. Her mom said no, and that should settle it. You get to decide for your children, but not for hers.

 

Second, my dh & I are also conservative, like your MIL, and we did not allow our children to read Harry Potter when they were young. We chose to wait until our youngest was 15, and then we read the books aloud together as a family. If someone had secretly provided them with an audiobook, knowing that it was against my wishes, I would have been LIVID, no matter who it was. You and your dh must ask yourselves how you would feel if someone provided one of your children with the means to disobey you regarding something about which you feel strongly.

 

Third, if my 14yo accepted the audiobook and listened to it in spite of me, I would have been even more upset. I think it is wrong, wrong, wrong for your dh to encourage the girl to disobey their mother. It makes no difference that he is her brother. He is an adult, and he should know better. And if someone knew about it and said nothing, that makes that person an accomplice, and he/she would no longer have my respect or trust, particularly if it turned out that this person lied by claiming, "I didn't know a thing about it."

 

Dh needs to talk to his mother before the trip. I hope that if he were respectful and objective, that his mother would hear him out and try to be objective while doing so. HOWEVER, if he goes in with the attitude that what she as a mother feels about this doesn't really matter, then he's already lost. Then he needs to sit back and let his mom make the final decision regarding both the audiobook and the ride.

While sneaking around behind your parent's back might be a "sibling thing", I think that once you are adults, you should act like an adult and realize that undermining a parent's authority is wrong.

 

If his mother says "no" to the audiobook and the rides then I would forego both of them. I would save the Harry Potter area for a day or time when your mom, daughter and sil are doing something else exciting and you are "doing something special as a couple". I would keep it a secret from your sil to avoid building up resentment in her toward her mother. The fact is, once your sil is older, she can read the HP books and still enjoy them. She can go to the rides etc. on her own too at that time.

 

:iagree: with everything Jean said.

Edited May 30, 2011 by ereks mom

[JudoMom]

Dh needs to talk to his mother before the trip. I hope that if he were respectful and objective, that his mother would hear him out and try to be objective while doing so. HOWEVER, if he goes in with the attitude that what she as a mother feels about this doesn't really matter, then he's already lost. Then he needs to sit back and let his mom make the final decision regarding both the audiobook and the ride.

 

While sneaking around behind your parent's back might be a "sibling thing", I think that once you are adults, you should act like an adult and realize that undermining a parent's authority is wrong.

 

If his mother says "no" to the audiobook and the rides then I would forego both of them. I would save the Harry Potter area for a day or time when your mom, daughter and sil are doing something else exciting and you are "doing something special as a couple". I would keep it a secret from your sil to avoid building up resentment in her toward her mother. The fact is, once your sil is older, she can read the HP books and still enjoy them. She can go to the rides etc. on her own too at that time.

 

:iagree:

 

Your dh doesn't need to understand how his mother chooses to parent his sister any more than your MIL needs to understand how he parents his daughter. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is realizing that your way isn't the only way and accepting that others might choose to do things differently than you and allowing them that freedom.

[Dinsfamily]

My personal feelings are that now your dh is out of the nest it's time for him to stop ruffling feathers there. I have a hard time with others judging what's best for someone else's child and trying to circumvent family rules or values. You'll get your own chance to parent and make those calls- please be respectful of your MIL's in the meantime.

 

For the HP area- I would ask MIL in private if you feel you must. This will allow her to think it over without a 'very upset' 14yo pulling at her sleeve.

 

:iagree: The first thing I thought was turn it around. My parents were more liberal raising me and my sis is taking that route. However, they are respectful of my boundaries and I appreciate it. Actually, it's more than appreciation, it's trust. I would be offended and extremely angry if they gave something to my dc behind my back. I don't see how this situation is different just because it comes from a sibling.

 

As for Harry Potter...my ds7 is capable of reading them but he's way too young for the content. I doubt he knows they exist. I figure that by the time he's old enough, the movies will be in the distant past and something new will be out leaving HP to be a non-issue for us. It's amazing how quickly these things pass.

[ereks mom]

The point isn't really about Twilight or Harry Potter, though. It's about respecting a parent's right to raise their dc according to their own values.

 

Your dc is young yet, but there will come a time when something becomes really important to you, and you will not want another adult undermining you~especially a family member you love and trust.

 

:iagree:

[Nestof3]

Honestly? Leave your inlaws to raise her how they see fit. Would you want someone undermining your parenting? I have to admit I'm a little surpirsed that your husband (as an adult and a parent) would consider sneaking something. It just seems rather juvenile.

 

I would just go with my husband and child while the in-laws did something else with their daughter during that time.

[DarlaS]

My personal feelings are that now your dh is out of the nest it's time for him to stop ruffling feathers there. I have a hard time with others judging what's best for someone else's child and trying to circumvent family rules or values. You'll get your own chance to parent and make those calls- please be respectful of your MIL's in the meantime.

 

For the HP area- I would ask MIL in private if you feel you must. This will allow her to think it over without a 'very upset' 14yo pulling at her sleeve.

 

 

:iagree:

 

This is something with the potential to bite you in the backside later--like when there is something you would not want your child exposed to.

 

In other words, if you want your parental boundaries respected by MIL in the future, respect hers.

[LidiyaDawn]

And if someone knew about it and said nothing, that makes that person an accomplice

 

I don't that's fair to Stages. She's choosing (it appears) to stay out of someone else's business. How her husband chooses to handle HIS personal relationships with his sister and his mother is HIS business.

 

Stages may have her own opinions on the matter, but opinions are not actions and it sounds like she hasn't done anything herself to disrespect the MIL's choices for the teenage girl.

[MrsMe]

For parents that don't allow Harry Potter, how old are your children? If they are young, do you think you will ease up on it when they get older?

 

I ask because we are going to Universal Studios with my inlaws in a few weeks, where they have a fantastic looking Harry Potter themed area. My husband and I are huge fans, but my mother-in-law won't allow my 14 year old sister-in-law to read the books or watch the movies. My MIL is very conservative, but I know her opinions are only based on what she's heard about the franchise, not firsthand knowledge.

 

I'm fairly certain MIL will take our daughter to a preschool-y area while we go to Harry Potter, but I know SIL will want to go with us. If you don't allow Harry Potter, would you make an exception for something like that? SIL adores her brother (my husband), and she would be very upset if she didn't get to see it with us.

 

Then, the last issue- my husband wants to get my SIL an audiobook of the first Harry Potter for her to secretly listen to on the way to Florida. My husband has a long history of giving his sister media his mother wouldn't necessarily approve of (the Matrix, Star Wars, etc.), so this wouldn't be anything new. I'm staying out of it, because although I agree that my SIL should be allowed to read whatever she wants, it's not my call. Plus, I like that MIL likes me, and I don't want to mess that up. :001_smile: For what it's worth, my father-in-law doesn't seem to have an opinion in this.

 

What would you do in this situation? I don't like that my husband is undermining his mom, but I agree that SIL should be able to read something like Harry Potter (Twilight no, but Harry Potter, absolutely).

 

 

I guess I'm not sure why you feel that she doesn't have the proper knowledge to make this decision. And why you think that you should undermine what she thinks is appropriate for her own child.

 

That to me is such a lack of respect and I think you both should respect her wishes. Why you are even having this conversation to me is frightful! You and your DH should go to the HP themed area on your own, meet up later and leave the parenting up to your MIL. And FWIW I don't think a 14 yr old should be able to read whatever she wants.

 

Stay out of it and respect your MIL.

[mom4him]

For parents that don't allow Harry Potter, how old are your children? If they are young, do you think you will ease up on it when they get older?

 

I ask because we are going to Universal Studios with my inlaws in a few weeks, where they have a fantastic looking Harry Potter themed area. My husband and I are huge fans, but my mother-in-law won't allow my 14 year old sister-in-law to read the books or watch the movies. My MIL is very conservative, but I know her opinions are only based on what she's heard about the franchise, not firsthand knowledge.

 

I'm fairly certain MIL will take our daughter to a preschool-y area while we go to Harry Potter, but I know SIL will want to go with us. If you don't allow Harry Potter, would you make an exception for something like that? SIL adores her brother (my husband), and she would be very upset if she didn't get to see it with us.

 

Then, the last issue- my husband wants to get my SIL an audiobook of the first Harry Potter for her to secretly listen to on the way to Florida. My husband has a long history of giving his sister media his mother wouldn't necessarily approve of (the Matrix, Star Wars, etc.), so this wouldn't be anything new. I'm staying out of it, because although I agree that my SIL should be allowed to read whatever she wants, it's not my call. Plus, I like that MIL likes me, and I don't want to mess that up. :001_smile: For what it's worth, my father-in-law doesn't seem to have an opinion in this.

 

What would you do in this situation? I don't like that my husband is undermining his mom, but I agree that SIL should be able to read something like Harry Potter (Twilight no, but Harry Potter, absolutely).

I wouldn't change my thinking about HP and allow my 14 yr old to go. If you MIL has taught your sil the why's I would guess you sil won't be that interested either.

In my thinking what would be very appropriote would be for you and dh to not go to that part either while your sil is with you. JMO

[Aggie]

Your dh has crossed the line.

 

He should apologize to his sister, imo, for going against their mother's will. Not only an apology, but an explanation of why it was wrong.

 

In 10 years, who do you think will be undermining *your* parental authority? His sister has been taught, by him, that it's ok to give kids what their parents don't want them to have.

[mom4him]

I guess I'm not sure why you feel that she doesn't have the proper knowledge to make this decision. And why you think that you should undermine what she thinks is appropriate for her own child.

 

That to me is such a lack of respect and I think you both should respect her wishes. Why you are even having this conversation to me is frightful! You and your DH should go to the HP themed area on your own, meet up later and leave the parenting up to your MIL. And FWIW I don't think a 14 yr old should be able to read whatever she wants.

 

Stay out of it and respect your MIL.

:iagree:

[mom4him]

Your dh has crossed the line.

 

He should apologize to his sister, imo, for going against their mother's will. Not only an apology, but an explanation of why it was wrong.

 

In 10 years, who do you think will be undermining *your* parental authority? His sister has been taught, by him, that it's ok to give kids what their parents don't want them to have.

:iagree: Just like your mil doesn't have to agree with how your raise your children but does need to respect your decisions, you don't have to agree with your mil but you DO need to respect AND support her decisions.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Would you like your MIL in a few years to be telling your dd how "evil" HP books are? You can undermine a parent's authority while still being more conservative. What's important is respecting the parent's right to decide for their family.

[bettyandbob]

I'm just confused as to why anyone who is so against HP would go to an amusement park where a major attraction is HP. By doing so, she is supporting the HP franchise even if she doesn't go to the attractions.

 

Just seems like another theme park would be a better opportunity for this family.

 

I'd just stay out of dh's plan with his sister. I'd tell his mom is the parent and if he wants his mom to respect boundaries, he needs to too. If he follows through with the plan anyway, act surprised and appalled. I would not run to MIL and tattle on him though

[angela in ohio]

My personal feelings are that now your dh is out of the nest it's time for him to stop ruffling feathers there. I have a hard time with others judging what's best for someone else's child and trying to circumvent family rules or values. You'll get your own chance to parent and make those calls- please be respectful of your MIL's in the meantime.

 

For the HP area- I would ask MIL in private if you feel you must. This will allow her to think it over without a 'very upset' 14yo pulling at her sleeve.

 

:iagree:

[Chris in VA]

Third, if my 14yo accepted the audiobook and listened to it in spite of me, I would have been even more upset. I think it is wrong, wrong, wrong for your dh to encourage the girl to disobey their mother. It makes no difference that he is her brother. He is an adult, and he should know better. And if someone knew about it and said nothing, that makes that person an accomplice, and he/she would no longer have my respect or trust, particularly if it turned out that this person lied by claiming, "I didn't know a thing about it."

 

I absolutely agree with this.

 

I am sick and tired of my husband's family forgetting that we are a team--I am part of his family, and he is part of mine. I would see your SIL as no different than your sister--and your MIL as no different than your mom (respect-wise).

 

Your husband needs to grow up.

[Nestof3]

I'm just confused as to why anyone who is so against HP would go to an amusement park where a major attraction is HP. By doing so, she is supporting the HP franchise even if she doesn't go to the attractions.

 

Just seems like another theme park would be a better opportunity for this family.

 

I'd just stay out of dh's plan with his sister. I'd tell his mom is the parent and if he wants his mom to respect boundaries, he needs to too. If he follows through with the plan anyway, act surprised and appalled. I would not run to MIL and tattle on him though

 

Really? Then one would have to stop supporting amazon too. There are often parts of theme parks and resorts that we skip bc they aren't what we feel are right for our family. It would be a tiring life trying to boycott every establishment that did things we disapproved of.

[katilac]

I'm just confused as to why anyone who is so against HP would go to an amusement park where a major attraction is HP. By doing so, she is supporting the HP franchise even if she doesn't go to the attractions.

 

The HP section is actually quite small - 3 rides total, and only 1 is a 'major' ride - and it didn't exist before last year. There are many, many other things to do at Universal.

 

Plus, not allowing her 14-yr-old dd to read HP doesn't mean she is "against" it or doesn't think that anyone should be allowed to watch it. We haven't let our kids watch Terminator, or lots of the "themes" at Universal, but I have no problem with the idea of visiting Universal to see Harry Potter stuff or even ride the Terminator ride. That's two very different things, imo.

[Stages]

I guess I'm not sure why you feel that she doesn't have the proper knowledge to make this decision. And why you think that you should undermine what she thinks is appropriate for her own child.

 

That to me is such a lack of respect and I think you both should respect her wishes. Why you are even having this conversation to me is frightful! You and your DH should go to the HP themed area on your own, meet up later and leave the parenting up to your MIL. And FWIW I don't think a 14 yr old should be able to read whatever she wants.

 

Stay out of it and respect your MIL.

 

I don't think I should undermine her. That's the whole issue.

Edited May 30, 2011 by Stages

[Stages]

I don't that's fair to Stages. She's choosing (it appears) to stay out of someone else's business. How her husband chooses to handle HIS personal relationships with his sister and his mother is HIS business.

 

Stages may have her own opinions on the matter, but opinions are not actions and it sounds like she hasn't done anything herself to disrespect the MIL's choices for the teenage girl.

 

Thank you.

[twoxcell]

Just a thought how would you feel if your MIL secretly gave or let your dc read/watch something that you did not approve of? I think you MIL deserves the same respect for her child. We have pretty much avoided the whole HP thing. My oldest is almost 8 and has just even noticed it. I'm sure in the future I will have to visit the whole notion.

[Trish]

Well, are YOU okay with others undermining your rules for YOUR kids?

[Stages]

Just a thought how would you feel if your MIL secretly gave or let your dc read/watch something that you did not approve of? I think you MIL deserves the same respect for her child. We have pretty much avoided the whole HP thing. My oldest is almost 8 and has just even noticed it. I'm sure in the future I will have to visit the whole notion.

 

I wasn't going to say anything, but since a lot of people have mentioned this, I suppose I should say that MIL has given my daughter things that I don't necessarily approve of- like giving her a nativity set for Christmas and taking her to church without my knowledge, as well as talking to her (innocuously) about God. My husband and I are not religious, and would prefer for any religious information to come from us. We know she didn't mean harm by it, and if I made a big deal about it, I don't think she would do it again, so we just let it go.