On offering advice when you only know a portion of one side of the story.

[Crissy]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is no possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Crissy

[amo_mea_filiis.]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is not possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

 

:iagree:

[unsinkable]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is no possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

 

I understand what you mean.

 

We should choose our words very carefully. I will say that I strongly dislike suggestions of violence, however much people think it is said jokingly or that it is just an "expression."

[missmoe]

Yup, yup!

[JudoMom]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is no possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

 

:iagree:

[Mommyfaithe]

Uh huh...

:iagree:

Faithe

[Cassy]

Absolutely. I've been thinking the very same thing. At one point I did consider posting a possible 'other side' to the story, just for balance and perspective for the poor OP, but I realised that I'd probably get savaged, which wouldn't be good on my first day here :D.

[Janie Grace]

I agree. Well said.

[Hillary in KS]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is no possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

 

:iagree:

Mmm hmm.

[Ohdanigirl]

:iagree: Great advice.

 

Danielle

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree. Someone in that situation needs real life counseling and not from us (as great as we are on all other topics!)

[Scarlett]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is no possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

 

Even IRL we can only give advice based upon the facts presented. I guess we could all preface our comments with 'in view of the facts as you have presented them.'.....:tongue_smilie:

 

 

I can tell you that *I* am not a perfect person....(shocking I know) but a marriage board listened to my 'story' of weird behavior on my now XH's part and immediately suggested I rule out an affair. My IRL friends and family all thought he treated me horribly, but were too close to the situation to see it clearly...and/or wanted to be supportive of whatever I wanted to do/believe.

 

Listening to total strangers on a message board saved me. I could not have done it without them.

[Crissy]

I guess we could all preface our comments with 'in view of the facts as you have presented them.'.....:tongue_smilie:

 

 

 

 

:rolleyes:

 

Or we could simply refrain from suggesting divorce and violence to a woman who is posting in a very emotional state.

[Scarlett]

:rolleyes:

 

Or we could simply refrain from suggesting divorce and violence to a woman who is posting in a very emotional state.

 

Well, I agree the divorce suggestion was a little premature....but I would tell ANY woman with those set of facts to be very aware and find out what the heck is going on.

[TN Mama]

I agree. Someone in that situation needs real life counseling and not from us (as great as we are on all other topics!)

 

:iagree: Especially the bolded.

 

Ok, maybe not especially, but definitely needs to be bolded.

[aggieamy]

How true! My dad has a saying about relationship situations. He says that there are generally three sides to the story - his side, her side, and the truth. I know that this is a broad generalization but it's worth listening to anyway.

[Gratia271]

Even IRL we can only give advice based upon the facts presented. I guess we could all preface our comments with 'in view of the facts as you have presented them.'.....:tongue_smilie:

 

 

I can tell you that *I* am not a perfect person....(shocking I know) but a marriage board listened to my 'story' of weird behavior on my now XH's part and immediately suggested I rule out an affair. My IRL friends and family all thought he treated me horribly, but were too close to the situation to see it clearly...and/or wanted to be supportive of whatever I wanted to do/believe.

 

Listening to total strangers on a message board saved me. I could not have done it without them.

:iagree:

 

Unless you are in the relationship yourself, you cannot entirely comprehend it. Further, there is not always wrongdoing on both sides. It simply is not true.

 

Having people on message boards who read and reply can be a lifeline when it is simply not feasible to share with people in real life. When people reach out for support, we can either offer some solace or decline to reply. We shouldn't tear them down further. I personally find it offensive when women encourage/push other women to accept poor behavior from anyone, much less from their husbands, who should treasure them above all else. I have read many replies over the past month about relationship matters and am honestly mortified at what some people think is acceptable in relationships. To each their own, but I am not going to promote the notion that a woman should just "be grateful for whatever she gets" from her husband. At the same time, each of us needs to come to grips with our relationships on our own, arriving at our own conclusions. I don't think this reality precludes providing support to someone in pain.

 

Based on my personal observations, the upshot is that it is permissible for people here on the boards to admonish women to put up with a lot and "be grateful for whatever they get" because that is supposedly edifying and certainly not husband bashing. What is apparently not okay is providing support to women going through hellish situations.

[tex-mex]

How true! My dad has a saying about relationship situations. He says that there are generally three sides to the story - his side, her side, and the truth. I know that this is a broad generalization but it's worth listening to anyway.

So true!!

 

When I taught K-6 grades, I'd say to parents that I'd only believe 50% of what the kids share about mom and dad (oh, the stories...) if they'd only believe 50% of what their kid says about my teaching skills with them at home. LOL ;)

Edited May 16, 2011 by tex-mex

[Crissy]

I don't think this reality precludes providing support to someone in pain.

 

.......

 

 

What is apparently not okay is providing support to women going through hellish situations.

 

:confused:

 

At no point have I suggested withholding support.

[Hillary in KS]

So true!!

 

When I taught K-6 grades, I'd say to parents that I'd only believe 50% of what the kids share about mom and dad (oh, the stories...) if they'd only believe 50% of what their kid says about my teaching skills with them at home. LOL ;)

 

LOL! I used to say that with the parents of my students! "I'll believe only half of what I hear about you, if you believe only half of what you hear about me!" :)

 

I thought I was the only one. :lol:

[Jennifer3141]

I don't get posts like this that are rather obviously pointed to a specific poster. :confused:

 

Why not just PM AngelBee or address the thread to her?

[AngelBee]

Absolutely. I've been thinking the very same thing. At one point I did consider posting a possible 'other side' to the story, just for balance and perspective for the poor OP, but I realised that I'd probably get savaged, which wouldn't be good on my first day here :D.

:grouphug: I am the OP and am open to all advice. No worries! And welcome to the Hive. :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

:confused:

 

At no point have I suggested withholding support.

 

:iagree:

 

People on this board have been incredibly generous in offering hugs, good thoughts and prayers. Often we have nothing more than "I'm going through a really tough time" - sometimes with the added information that it's in that person's marriage, sometimes not.

 

But this board has rules about what it is for and these kinds of discussions go outside those bounds. There are other resources - taking it to PM or e-mail for example, going to a counselor, a pastor or priest, talking to IRL friends (though I see the problems with doing that).

[Crissy]

I don't get posts like this that are rather obviously pointed to a specific poster. :confused:

 

Why not just PM AngelBee or address the thread to her?

 

I wasn't addressing AngelBee. I was addressing the people who were giving her advice about filing for divorce and whatnot.

My original post contains a note that I have recently been on the receiving end of hurtful, hateful advice on an internet message board. I am feeling very sensitive about the suggestions that have been given when only a fraction of the story has been told. So I made a suggestion of my own.

[AngelBee]

Even IRL we can only give advice based upon the facts presented. I guess we could all preface our comments with 'in view of the facts as you have presented them.'.....:tongue_smilie:

 

 

I can tell you that *I* am not a perfect person....(shocking I know) but a marriage board listened to my 'story' of weird behavior on my now XH's part and immediately suggested I rule out an affair. My IRL friends and family all thought he treated me horribly, but were too close to the situation to see it clearly...and/or wanted to be supportive of whatever I wanted to do/believe.

 

Listening to total strangers on a message board saved me. I could not have done it without them.

:grouphug:

I couldn't talk to real life people right now because they end up not being able to let it go later. Plus they all have their own reason for their advice based on their perseptions of my marriage.

 

So I chose people who were more objective. :)

[aggieamy]

:grouphug:

I couldn't talk to real life people right now because they end up not being able to let it go later. Plus they all have their own reason for their advice based on their perseptions of my marriage.

 

So I chose people who were more objective. :)

 

So instead you'll take advice from people who know NOTHING of you or your marriage?

[AngelBee]

So instead you'll take advice from people who know NOTHING of you or your marriage?

Actually I was asking for support as I was afraid my husband died in a fishing accident. :001_huh: Then, to my surprise, I found out my dh lied to me.

 

Trust me....I had NO CLUE things would take a turn in that direction. :(

[Jean in Newcastle]

Actually I was asking for support as I was afraid my husband died in a fishing accident. :001_huh: Then, to my surprise, I found out my dh lied to me.

 

Trust me....I had NO CLUE things would take a turn in that direction. :(

 

You got support. You got people asking you to take it to them privately.

[AngelBee]

You got support. You got people asking you to take it to them privately.

Yup. And I did.

[RanchGirl]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is no possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

 

I don't understand why you aren't contacting the 1 or 2 people that suggested divorce directly instead of posting this publicly. It could be perceived as passive aggressive or as if you are trying to get a bunch of people to agree with you and thus pile on the criticism. I'm sure that's not your intent, but that is how it comes off.

[Crissy]

It could be perceived as passive aggressive or as if you are trying to get a bunch of people to agree with you and thus pile on the criticism.

 

Sure. It could be perceived in any number of ways.

My intent was to make a public suggestion after reading a thread that affected me. And so I did.

 

I've been here long enough that I don't expect to post anything and just have a bunch of people agree with me. :)

[AngelBee]

Sure. It could be perceived in any number of ways.

My intent was to make a public suggestion after reading a thread that affected me. And so I did.

 

I've been here long enough that I don't expect to post anything and just have a bunch of people agree with me. :)

Long enough to not be a troll? :tongue_smilie:

[2cents]

May I gently suggest that telling someone we don't know to consider divorce, to keep reminding herself that her significant other is selfish, etc. may not be the best way to support a person in need.

 

Please remember that there is no possible way that we are seeing the whole picture.

 

I offer this after recently finding that a family member posted things online about my family and me that are horribly hurtful and, in some cases, absolutely untrue. My family member was angry and frustrated about a situation and she dealt with it by spouting inaccurate information, emotional garbage and flat-out lies. The advice she received about how to get back at us, and how to deal with us in the future was awful.

 

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting that anyone here is lying to us. Only that we don't know the whole story and we should keep that in mind as we offer support.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Crissy]

Long enough to not be a troll? :tongue_smilie:

 

I am sorry that is being suggested, AngelBee. I certainly never intended to contribute to that thought.

 

I have really been struggling this past week with the things that were said about me in a public forum by people who did not know that the story the were reading was fabricated. Even if the things my family member shared were true, the advice she was give was terrible. Because of that, some of the responses you received caused me to respond the way I did.

I tried to make it clear that I don't believe you are lying, but if my post has made you feel that way, or hurt you in some other way, I sincerely apologize.

[Peela]

There was another thread a couple of weeks ago where people were suggesting divorce, getting out, and it surprised me- but maybe its just my own experience, because there has been some intense stuff going on in my marriage over the years, where I was advised to get out by many people- not here- yet we worked through them- and I also grew in the process.

 

Sometimes this is a great place to come for some basic support, but I agree we need to be careful about what advice we offer. Sister power is great, especially when someone is in denial- but can also be over exuberant in trying to get a woman to empower herself.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Long enough to not be a troll? :tongue_smilie:

 

Crissy has over the years had a track record of giving good advice without sensational posts. She has posted some of her life story along with some of her hurts as many of us have, but they have never been controversial posts designed to garner sympathy or attention (which I believe is the definition of a troll). Yes, she could start at any moment :tongue_smilie: but she has never shown any signs of it in the past and I know her well enough to think that it won't happen in the future.

[AngelBee]

I am sorry that is being suggested, AngelBee. I certainly never intended to contribute to that thought.

 

I have really been struggling this past week with the things that were said about me in a public forum by people who did not know that the story the were reading was fabricated. Even if the things my family member shared were true, the advice she was give was terrible. Because of that, some of the responses you received caused me to respond the way I did.

I tried to make it clear that I don't believe you are lying, but if my post has made you feel that way, or hurt you in some other way, I sincerely apologize.

:grouphug: I know that you were not directing the lying part to me.

 

I am sorry that happened to you this week. I can imagine it was very painful. I hope that your relationship can be healed if that is what you choose.

[AngelBee]

Crissy has over the years had a track record of giving good advice without sensational posts. She has posted some of her life story along with some of her hurts as many of us have, but they have never been controversial posts designed to garner sympathy or attention (which I believe is the definition of a troll). Yes, she could start at any moment :tongue_smilie: but she has never shown any signs of it in the past and I know her well enough to think that it won't happen in the future.

I was teasing. I know she is not a troll. :)