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My father-in-law died.

Rivka
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Rivka

Rivka

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This is so hard and awful. We got up at 5am this morning to fly to Memphis, and we'll be here all week.

 

Does anyone have experience with explaining death to a two-year-old? I am at a loss trying to answer his questions in a way that he can understand. His six-year-old sister's explanation that "death is like fainting forever" did not help as much as she intended it to.

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snickelfritz

snickelfritz

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My FIL died when the kids were almost 3 and a baby. I used words like his body was very broken. I know I stayed away from "fell asleep and didn't wake up."

 

I know I used books. He was in hospice care for about a week and they had given us some coloring books and pamphlets about explaining it to children. So, you might check with the hospital.

 

I'm sorry.

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sparrow

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:grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

 

My FIL died when the kids were almost 3 and a baby. I used words like his body was very broken. I know I stayed away from "fell asleep and didn't wake up."

 

I know I used books. He was in hospice care for about a week and they had given us some coloring books and pamphlets about explaining it to children. So, you might check with the hospital.

 

I'm sorry.

 

:iagree:We also avoided this phrasing. We tried our best to explain that it was a different kind of sick. It wasn't sick, like when you get a cold. I think the "broken" phrasing is very good.

 

It's so hard :grouphug:.

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G5052

G5052

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:grouphug:

 

Yes, hospice groups often have resources that explain things very appropriately.

 

When my FIL died and we had a child that age, we used terminology similar to what another poster gave. We said that grandpa's body broken down so much that it was time for him to go live in heaven because his body wouldn't work here any more. We were careful to explain that Mom, Dad, and everyone else had good bodies that weren't broken and that we would be around here for a very long time.

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Tiberia

Tiberia

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We just lost my mom last month. I think young kids have an internal protection against a true understanding of death. A two year old will not understand much, no matter what you say, so don't fret too much about it. Kids will take cues from parents, so if you're falling apart all the time, the kids may feel insecure. But if you are working through the grief process, moving forward, and are able to still laugh, love, and talk about things, even through the tears, the kids will have a healthy model to follow.

 

I was able to hold it together most of the time when my mom died, but broke down several times in front of dd. I told her that grandma had died and that it made me sad, so it's ok to cry some times, especially at the funeral and family gatherings. I also tried to keep at least one normal thing in our schedule, like reading at night together.

 

So sorry for your loss.

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Teachin'Mine

Teachin'Mine

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:grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Regarding your son, I guess it would depend on what you will be teaching him about death in the future. I would make it consistent with whatever you believe to be the truth, but put it in simpler terms. My dd was at funerals from two years old too, and she understood what it was all about. She had seen Charlotte's Web when she was 18 mo and she was in tears when Charlotte died. I don't know, but that may have given her some background to understand better. I know there are some good children's books which deal with death - one of them by Maria Shriver I think. :grouphug:

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annlaura

annlaura

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:grouphug: I'm so sorry. My FIL passed when DS4 was 2. When he saw his body at the wake, he asked, "Is Abuelo sleeping?" I tried to keep my explanation simple but honest. You'll want to base it on your own beliefs, but I told DS that Abuelo died but was with God, and that his spirit is still with us. He has had questions since then, especially when our dog and cat died and reminded him of Abuelo's death. It is very difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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blakereese

blakereese

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:grouphug:I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

I'd keep it simple with a 2 year old. Kids are pretty resilient and will take what you say at face value, especially at that age. Just be honest, and keep it in line with what you want to teach (whether it is heaven or something else...).

 

Again, I am sorry. :grouphug:

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DianeW88

DianeW88

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I'm sorry for your loss. I didn't check to see if you had specified a religious background somewhere on your siggy, but I'll share what we did with my young children when my mother passed away 7 years ago.

 

I put my hand inside a glove and explained that this is like our body and our spirit (soul, if you prefer) when we live on earth. They are united and move together as one. Then I removed the glove and explained that our hand is like our spirit. When we die, our soul returns to heaven (insert your belief here) to live with our Heavenly Father. Our body (the glove) remains here on earth. It can no longer move because our spirit isn't inside of it. So, even though you can see Grandma's body, she can't move and talk anymore.

 

You can elaborate on that with your older children, if you choose. We explained our belief in Christ and the resurrection and showed the children how one day our body and spirit would be reunited again in a perfect form (with the hand inside the glove again).

 

HTH and I'm sorry for your loss. The funeral home where my mother was had a special room for children. My kids spent most of their time in there with my youngest (barely 3 at the time), watching movies and coloring, and my relatives and friends came to visit my children in that room instead of the room where my mother's body was. That made it a bit easier.

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justamouse

justamouse

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:grouphug::grouphug: You have my most sincere condolences.

 

We just went through this. My experience is that the questions come now, and will also come for months. They still haven't stopped with my 5 year old. So don't feel that you have to have one, good answer.

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Rivka

Rivka

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Thanks for the kind words of sympathy, everyone - they were comforting to read.

 

I guess it's just going to take repetition after repetition with my 2yo. It's not even about what happens after death - it's getting him to understand that Poppy isn't here. We keep having exchanges like this:

 

"Are we going to see Poppy?"

"Honey, Poppy died, and that means he's all gone. He can't come back and see us or talk to us. That's why it's so sad."

"Oh. Did he go in the bedroom?"

 

It's just hard.

 

Ugh. All of this is so hard.

 

And on a practical there's going to be so much waiting around with the kids. The visitation is on Tuesday and the service is on Wednesday. We don't go home until Friday because as executor of the will my husband has business to take care of after everything is done. We're staying in a hotel - a suite, at least, but it's pretty small. I don't want to be over at my in-laws' house all day because my stepMIL is distraught. I want to give the kids a break from the atmosphere sometimes, and her a break from them and their exuberance, which I'm sure is grating even though it's not anything out of the normal.

 

To add another layer of discomfort, she doesn't like me or my husband, although she does like the kids, so I feel compelled to be as invisible as possible.

 

Sigh. We'll get through it. Thanks for listening to me vent. Off to see if I can get the kids to fall asleep in a strange place.

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snickelfritz

snickelfritz

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Rivka,

 

I don't know how close you were to your FIL. We lived near my FIL. I was sad about him and I cried over him. But, I wasn't distraught. Through the process, my priorities were my dh and my kids. We spent time as a family. They saw people cry. But, if things got too heavy, I took my kids to the park. Sometimes everyone appreciated getting out to the park or watching the kids play. Don't feel like your kids need to spend the next week being somber. Talk about Poppy, or not, if they don't want to. Let them know it's ok to be sad, or to tell funny stories about Poppy, or to have fun at the park.

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sparrow

sparrow

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Don't underestimate the power of children in the healing process. It's a reminder of the circle, that life does go on. I worried about my kids being happy and cheerful and it was just what many needed to see after a day of visitation. :grouphug:

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Starr

Starr

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Two is really hard. My fil died when dd was 2 1/2. We had religious language to explain things, somewhat. She knew he wasn't coming back but the next couple of years had some difficult discussions about death and faith. I remember walking out of her room when she was three just shaking my head because she just didn't know enough about life to explain everything about death. Our other story is when we moved and ds was 3. His little friend saw the moving truck and spent moving day with us. His gm died about 6 months earlier and they had cleaned out and moved her belongings.. Soon after we left he became despondent and no one knew why. They were worried about him at preschool and his parents didn't know what was wrong. A few months later we were talking on the phone and she asked if her little guy wanted to talk with my ds and he said, "In heaven?". He thought ds had died. They were in the car and visiting the next weekend and he was okay after that. I think you just have to keep talking it through for however many years it takes. I'm sorry this is difficult. :grouphug:

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Tiberia

Tiberia

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Rivka,

 

But, if things got too heavy, I took my kids to the park. Sometimes everyone appreciated getting out to the park or watching the kids play. Don't feel like your kids need to spend the next week being somber. Talk about Poppy, or not, if they don't want to. Let them know it's ok to be sad, or to tell funny stories about Poppy, or to have fun at the park.

 

I totally agree. It's nearly impossible for kids that young to be "good" at a visitation or funeral. My daughter is 7, and we took her to the visitation for a short time, then my husband took her and the other grandkids out for dinner. I was on family duty, since it was my mom who had passed and I wanted to be there for relatives who needed to talk, but dh was in charge of the kids; they didn't need to be at every minute of every event. On days where nothing was scheduled, we did the museum, the park, the zoo, whatever was available.

 

Again, I'm very sorry you're having to go through this.

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texasmama

texasmama

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:grouphug: Death is not a permanent condition to a child this age. Two is a very concrete age, and death is abstract. I would advise against viewing a body or attending a funeral for a child this age. Just explain the death in whatever very simple terms you can given whatever your spiritual beliefs are about life after death.:grouphug:

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Beach Mom

Beach Mom

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:grouphug: So sorry for your loss. 2 is a tough age for death. One of my boys was 2 when my Dad died and one was 2 when my Mom died. I remember lots of questions (and the same questions over and over). The waiting around for the days around the funeral were difficult. I found they needed to do some "regular" things like take walks and go to the park and run around. They did attend the funeral and neither of them remember a thing about it. I would keep your answers straight forward and simple.

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LibraryLover

LibraryLover

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I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

It's not easy to explain. My children have lost many close loved ones. Over the years I've been as gentle as I can be. "Everyone has an opportuinty to live a good life, and to love and be loved. Nobody and nothing can live forever. We can always keep the memories of them in our hearts. We never forget them."

 

This is harder with a 2 year old, but the same words can be said, and then wait for the questions. Answer them as best you can with your own faith in mind.

 

 

This is so hard and awful. We got up at 5am this morning to fly to Memphis, and we'll be here all week.

 

Does anyone have experience with explaining death to a two-year-old? I am at a loss trying to answer his questions in a way that he can understand. His six-year-old sister's explanation that "death is like fainting forever" did not help as much as she intended it to.

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Rivka

Rivka

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Rivka,

 

I don't know how close you were to your FIL. We lived near my FIL. I was sad about him and I cried over him. But, I wasn't distraught. Through the process, my priorities were my dh and my kids. We spent time as a family. They saw people cry. But, if things got too heavy, I took my kids to the park. Sometimes everyone appreciated getting out to the park or watching the kids play. Don't feel like your kids need to spend the next week being somber. Talk about Poppy, or not, if they don't want to. Let them know it's ok to be sad, or to tell funny stories about Poppy, or to have fun at the park.

 

Thanks. It's kind of chilly and rainy here but I'm scouting out places I can take them to play, like a Borders that has a train table and the local library. We're going to go by Target and get beach balls to encourage them to do their running around and shrieking in the yard instead of the house.

 

I don't expect them to be subdued and sad-acting, and I don't think that anyone would want or expect that of such young children, but when they're in the house with their Nana I do expect them to not get loud and wild.

 

They have a ten-year-old cousin (well, step-cousin) who is wonderful with them. His mother doesn't want him to attend the visitation either, so we're going to set all three kids up in the hall or a separate alcove at the funeral home with videos and crayons and toys and I'm going to give the ten-year-old $10 to keep an eye on the little ones. The parents will all be right next door so I think that will be safe, we can go in and out to check on them.

 

My 6yo is, I think, old enough to be offered the opportunity to view the body briefly if she wants to, with parents at her side. My 2yo, no way.

 

They have to go to the funeral, but I am planning to have a constant stream of treats and quiet distractions to occupy them.

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