Alice Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Dh is Chinese-American, I am Caucasian. When we got married there was only one family member who had an issue with this (or at least only one that made it known that he had an issue). It was Dh's uncle who refused to come to the wedding. It's definitely the reason he didn't come. His wife, dh's mother's younget sister, also did not come but I have met her and she has been very nice to us, sends our kids presents etc. Their kids have told me about conversations they have had with their Dad where he made very racist comments about mixed race marriage and especially about mixed race kids. The sad thing is that they have all at some point seriously dated Caucasians without their Dad knowing and I think several possibly have not gotten married only because of this issue. The other sad thing is that he is a pastor and supposedly a Christian. The question is: Would you go to the wedding of dh's cousin, the son of this man? The cousin getting married is very nice and like the rest of the family is very embarrassed by his Dad's stance on this. My inclination is to go although I questioned to dh whether or not we would be invited (we did receive a save the date kind of email). He thought we would. I have never met the uncle, nor ever particularly wanted to. As I said, my inclination is to go for the cousin and if I meet the uncle to be gracious and "kill him with kindness". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 My first reaction would be to go, that its not the cousin's fault the dad is a twit. That being said, I didn't attend Wolf's Grandfather's funeral b/c there would be major family upheaval...that side is First Nations, I'm not. One of the aunts accosted a cousin's dh, demanding to know what he was doing there, etc, etc, b/c he was white. Wolf has no doubt she would have physically come at me. So, if you think the dad would behave himself, I'd go. If there's a chance that it could cause a scene at the wedding and upset the couple, I'd stay away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I agree -- no reason to blame the son for the father. Your approach sounds perfect. You also never know how these things will shake out. My DH is also Chinese-American (I'm not) and apparently when a family friend made some sort of critical comment about her own son dating a non-Chinese, my sweet, nonconfrontational, gentle MIL ripped the woman a new one. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I would go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I agree -- no reason to blame the son for the father. Your approach sounds perfect. You also never know how these things will shake out. My DH is also Chinese-American (I'm not) and apparently when a family friend made some sort of critical comment about her own son dating a non-Chinese, my sweet, nonconfrontational, gentle MIL ripped the woman a new one. :D Thank goodness for MILs. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I would go if the cousin wants you to go. They might appreciate you being there despite the uncle's attitude. OTOH, they might prefer to avoid risking a scene at the wedding. I would respect their wishes, but if they indicate they want you to be there (and since you've already gotten one email about it, it sounds like they do) I would go with the kill him with kindness approach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Hi Alice! I'd go, but your kids aren't going, are they? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Absolutely I would go! Don't punish the kid for his father's stupidity. Also, I married into a Korean family and I am Irish. My exh's big brother got Tons of flack for marrying a caucasian. By the time my exh married me there were other caucasian spouses as well. The family treated me wonderfully, but they always said it was exh's big brother's fault that all the kids married caucasians because he was the big brother and set a bad example for the younger siblings with his marriage. You need lots of patience and a good sense of humor to deal with the cultural stuff. Otherwise it'll make you nuts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhg Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Your inclination is right on. Go for the cousin and try to show the man genuine kindness despite his wrong-doings to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 The question is: Would you go to the wedding of dh's cousin, the son of this man? The cousin getting married is very nice and like the rest of the family is very embarrassed by his Dad's stance on this. My inclination is to go although I questioned to dh whether or not we would be invited (we did receive a save the date kind of email). He thought we would. I have never met the uncle, nor ever particularly wanted to. As I said, my inclination is to go for the cousin and if I meet the uncle to be gracious and "kill him with kindness". Yes, go. Absolutely. Dh's uncle can take a flying leap! It's another man's wedding and you're invited. I know family ties can be very strong, but I assume your dh's cousin is an adult and fully capable of making his own decisions about whom to invite to his own wedding. Be gracious, and then don't give the uncle another thought. Let him stew in his own racism if he's so inclined. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Hi Alice! I'd go, but your kids aren't going, are they? I don't know yet who's invited since we haven't gotten an actual invitation. Based on other family weddings kids typically are included. Taking the kids is the one thing that concerns me most although the entire rest of the family including his wife and all his kids have met my kids and very nice to them. Dh's immediate family would be there and are if anything, more protective than me to my kids (two aunts, uncle, 4 cousins) so I think it would be fine. I can't imagine the man saying anything about my kids in public at his own son's wedding, but then again...I can't imagine not going to someone's wedding because they are marrying someone of a different race so who knows what people are capable of. I think I also want to believe that the uncle has changed and give him the benefit of the doubt, although that might be naive. I actually suspected that if anyone was going to have a problem with our marriage it would be my paternal grandfather (very Southern, not a very nice person, had made racist statements in the past) but we invited him out of obligation and to my complete and total shock he came and was very nice. So, in general, I like the idea of giving the uncle a chance to redeem himself. But I don't want to expose my kids to potential nastiness. For myself and dh we'd just shrug it off because it's so stupid, but kids are different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I've been on both sides of this equation. How old is DH's uncle, and when did the family come to the States? My grandfather wasn't racist; he didn't believe he was superior to anyone. His business was such that he interacted daily with all types of Americans, and he was always vocal about not wanting white Americans marrying into our family. His opinion was that the cultures were too different and that a marriage would be too strained. Business relationships and friendships were acceptable, and non-serious romantic relationships were somewhat tolerated (though not quietly! and only after a few relatives had paved the way.) His opinion was based on decades of watching the marriages of friends and family struggle (and sometimes end) because of the strain. It wasn't necessarily true of all inter-racial marriages, of course, but given the odds and his experiences he wanted to spare his loved ones what he considered "the strong possibility." Best wishes and intentions occasionally cloud our objectives as loving relatives. He never vocalized his concerns or worries to the inlaws, nor did he ignore them; he was always polite, if interactions occured (or were forced LOL). His opinions were well-shared and -known throughout our family, though. He also came from a homogenous country, and briefly worked in the U.S. during an era and region where inter-racial marriages in the U.S. were often illegal. Rght or wrong, that pervading social culture had to influence him as well. On the other side, I married into a white family of naturalized U.S. citizens. It was bad enough that I wasn't their ethnicity (which I could understand), but I wasn't even from their region, faith, continent, or hemisphere LOL. My FIL really struggles with this, and has never cared for me. It became worse after kids because they're raised in a mostly Asian way, which is completely opposite of what's familiar to him. He is who he is; I am who I am. My culture is important to me, it formed me. I assume his to be the same of him, so I don't begrudge him. I'm not changing what I do, I just don't take his opinion of me personally. How can it be personal when he doesn't really know me personally? When he's ready to, I'm ready, too. Until then, I give him his space. It'd be different if he was up in my face. I'd go. Don't kill him with kindness, that's kind of like fanning the waters. Just be civil and polite if you come face-to-face, and hopefully he'll do the same. Otherwise just pretend the man ain't there, and enjoy the occasion. He has to know you were invited, so I imagine it's already come up in conversation within his smaller family unit; I'm sure his kids are working on him, not just for your sake but for their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I would go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Yes, I'd go; no reason to blame the son for his dad's behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Your inclination is right on. Go for the cousin and try to show the man genuine kindness despite his wrong-doings to you. :iagree: and :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 I would go. :iagree: Living well is the best revenge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 This is a stupid question, but what the heck can they expect if they move to America? If I moved to India, I would almost expect my girls to merry Indians. If I moved to Jamaica, I'd expect them to marry Jamaicans. I'm not trying to start an argument or anything, and I don't have a problem with interracial marriages. But seriously, if you live in a place where 85% of the population is NOT your ethnicity, you run the risk of your child marrying outside of their race. OK, got that off my chest. Now, about the wedding...I'd go, and just ignore Uncle. I would probably go so far as to move away if he moved towards us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 This is a stupid question, but what the heck can they expect if they move to America? If I moved to India, I would almost expect my girls to merry Indians. If I moved to Jamaica, I'd expect them to marry Jamaicans. I'm not trying to start an argument or anything, and I don't have a problem with interracial marriages. But seriously, if you live in a place where 85% of the population is NOT your ethnicity, you run the risk of your child marrying outside of their race. OK, got that off my chest. Now, about the wedding...I'd go, and just ignore Uncle. I would probably go so far as to move away if he moved towards us. This might be subjective, depending on where you move in America. I currently live in a city where government stats say we're at 98% white. I guess I'd not be surprised if my kids married white. When we first arrived, there weren't many white folks LOL. Lots of Asians of various types, lots of Latinos, and a handful of Caribbean islanders. If someone brought home a white spouse, ... it'd seem weird. Where would you have met him/her, you know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kidlit Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Hi Alice! I say go and think nothing else of it. You really didn't need another opinion; I just wanted to say hi. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 Hi Alice! I say go and think nothing else of it. You really didn't need another opinion; I just wanted to say hi. Hi Amy! Thanks for all the replies, everyone. I'm pretty sure I'll go. Thanks for helping me think it through though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 I would go if I received an invitation to the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 If I got an invitation, I would have dh ask his cousin if he thinks that the uncle would behave himself. I'd want to be sure that the cousin was really comfortable and wasn't just sending the invitation to be polite or to avoid hurting my feelings. As long as the cousin who is getting married was happy to have me, I'd go and just be as polite as possible to the uncle. If things are very strained in the initial meeting with him, I'd just avoid him the rest of the night. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 I would go if I received an invitation to the wedding. :iagree: I wouldn't let one person stop you from being there. Sounds like everyone else doesn't care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 As I said, my inclination is to go for the cousin and if I meet the uncle to be gracious and "kill him with kindness". This. We had a similar situation and we went for our cousin. SIL decided not to go and when we showed up he was so happy (relieved) to see us. It was his wedding, not his Dad's, not his Aunt's... we went for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beetkvass Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 I would definitely go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Yes, go. I would completely pretend I didn't know that people had a problem with me. Act oblivious. Be kind. Carry on. Enjoy yourself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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