JudoMom Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I called my Mom and we were having a pleasant conversation. Out of the blue, she asked when we'd be visiting. Dh & I talked yesterday, and it's been a stressful (and expensive) year between my health and leaving our church home of 13 years. Neither one of us can fathom taking a trip to see family this year, we just want to plan on relaxing this summer. I have 14 appointments between now and the end of June (3 are dentist appointments for the boys) and more might be scheduled, dh's parents and sister and brother-in-law will be coming for a week near the end of June, and we'll be dog-sitting a friends' puppy for two weeks. We might feel differently in July, but right now I just can't handle the thought (it's 18 hours one way to my parent's house). Anyway, my Mom asked when we'd be visiting, and I said I wasn't sure. Then she asked if we were coming, and I couldn't avoid telling the truth. She had to fight tears. I feel just awful. I told dh, and he said he had to crush his mother as well when he talked to her (it's 18 hours in a different direction to her house). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Don't feel guilty. Is there some reason they can't come see you instead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Why can't they come visit you? It's a lot less expensive for one or two people to travel than a whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. We may be facing the same thing soon. We're supposed to visit the in-laws but our a/c is having problems. If it costs as much as the first repairman said we may have to change plans. I wish I could get rid of the guilt and help my dh feel better if he ends up having to tell them no.:sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinF Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 It is so hard to be far away from family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug: It's ok. You honored your mother by calling her, sharing your love with her and even by telling her the truth. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whereneverever Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmgirl70 Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) So sorry! Could you offer to pay her way to you? Let her know that you so want to see her and that it would be much more affordable that way? or just invite her to come and let her know how much you also want to see her? Edited May 9, 2011 by Farmgirl70 add content Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry. If it's time that's an issue and the drive I'm with the other's, tell her you can't come to her because of x, y, z but you REALLY want to see her and you would LOVE to have her come to YOU. There's no way I'm going to be able to go visit my folks this year, and possibly not next year, but we are seriously considering sending them funds to come our way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Thanks for the hugs. My parents were just out at the end of March. We usually see each other 3 times a year--they come once, we go once, and then we typically see each other at Thanksgiving. I think they'll be coming out again at Thanksgiving. They both work full time, so a third trip out here isn't possible. I understand her disappointment, since we've only missed going back once in the 15 years I've been out here. My brother and his family still live in the same town as my parents, and my Mom likes to have everyone together and get pictures taken. I know she'll adjust her expectations for the summer, but I still feel awful about it, but your kind words and knowing I'm not alone helped brighten my morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I had pretty much the same thing happen yesterday (only it's a 12-14hr drive for us). :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 I had pretty much the same thing happen yesterday (only it's a 12-14hr drive for us). :grouphug: I'm sorry :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 That this is the first year missed in 15 is pretty stinkin awesome. I haven't been to my home province in almost 9 yrs. Heck, last summer was the first time my Mom met Princess, and the first that my Dad met Tazzie and Princess...my Dad hasn't even met my dh yet, and we've been married 8 yrs! It sucks to miss a tradition, but you guys still do see each other. That's def a bright side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It is so hard to do what you've had to do. You're a good daughter, though, and your mom will be OK. She knows you love her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: That's a tough one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frontier Mom Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 At least they are missing your visit and I'm sure, though disappointed, they will understand. Hugs to you though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Sorry for angst and sadness. Our roles with our parents and theirs with us are ever evolving even in adulthood. Could you set up some Skype calls or something small to fill the void? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katiebug_1976 Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Why can't they come visit you? It's a lot less expensive for one or two people to travel than a whole family. :iagree:I wish we could go visit my family more often, but they end up coming here more than we go there because it is much less expensive for 2 to travel than 8! We haven't been to see my family in over 3 years! I did go by myself 2 years ago, but that was it. We live over 2000 miles away, and with gas prices going up, it's just getting harder and harder. But everyone in my family understands that and we know that we will get together when we can one way or another. Dh's family is the same way. They live closer (only about 4-5 hours away), but they still come visit us most of the time because it is easier for them to get away and travel than for us to round everyone up and take time off work etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 It's hard also when you feel guilty about other choices. In my case I had to gently break it to my mom that we are choosing to go to Disney World. I wouldn't normally make a choice like that, but we haven't had a real family vacation in several years and my dh works SO hard. I want to place a priority on his needs and what he needs is not another stress filled trip out to see my mom and step-dad. His vacation time is so limited too. My situation is also a bit different in that my folks could fly here but they choose not to. My step dad and dh don't care for each other and neither of them really wants to make the effort. It gets my mom and I caught in the middle. My folks have said they simply "won't" fly, like it's some kind of fear-based thing since 9/11 (:confused:) but really, they have flown if it's important enough to them. My hope is that just the kids and I can go later this fall, but it's all going to depend on how finances go. Flying is so expensive as it is and with fuel prices going up uP UP I don't know. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Tara~ Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 aww I'm sorry. But you're right, you have a lot to deal with/have been dealing with right now and the immediate future. Hopefully mom can understand. Try not to let it weigh on you sweetie...you gotta take care of *you* too. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 aww I'm sorry. But you're right, you have a lot to deal with/have been dealing with right now and the immediate future. Hopefully mom can understand. Try not to let it weigh on you sweetie...you gotta take care of *you* too. :) Thanks. I made my brother call her this morning to check on her. He told me that she's sad, but she also said she's trying not to be selfish. She's worried that not visiting one year will make it easier for us to not visit next year (our visits to extended family dwindled when my brother & I became teenagers). He also told me that she hasn't told Dad yet, so I shouldn't facebook anything. I'll call her in a few days and see how she's doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 An idea.... Maybe you could make arrangements later in the summer for some of the older boys to stay with your parents? You could meet half way to drop them off. My dd was planning to spend part of the summer with my brother, but that changed because of his move. My sister has sent two of her teens to stay with me for a month during the summer. She's also had her teens stay with my parents for part of the summer. I've sent my ds to stay with my brother in the summer too. Kid rotation works for our family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 An idea....Maybe you could make arrangements later in the summer for some of the older boys to stay with your parents? You could meet half way to drop them off. My dd was planning to spend part of the summer with my brother, but that changed because of his move. My sister has sent two of her teens to stay with me for a month during the summer. She's also had her teens stay with my parents for part of the summer. I've sent my ds to stay with my brother in the summer too. Kid rotation works for our family. We used to spend 2 weeks in the summer with my extended family, but it won't work for us now. Mostly because my parents both still work full time, and there is too much trouble to get into at my parents' house. Maybe in the future when my Mom retires, though :001_smile:. I'll keep that in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Thanks. I made my brother call her this morning to check on her. He told me that she's sad, but she also said she's trying not to be selfish. She's worried that not visiting one year will make it easier for us to not visit next year (our visits to extended family dwindled when my brother & I became teenagers). He also told me that she hasn't told Dad yet, so I shouldn't facebook anything. I'll call her in a few days and see how she's doing. I think it's almost inevitable that visiting extended family dwindles to an extent when you have teens. Their activities and commitments really increase, so there is less time and money to go around. I really feel for you, having extended family far away in two different directions! My family is local, so, while dh's parents are 12 hours away, at least it's only one side we have to visit. When the kids were little, we went a few times to see aunts/uncles/cousins on that side, but we've pretty much stopped that since dh's grandparents died. It's a tough balance. I want my kids to know extended family to the extent it's possible, but I also want to have our own family vacations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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