ARGH MIL

Impish · May 8, 2011

Wolf called MIL for Mother's Day.

During the call, she *demanded* that we move to her province. Named a town, said she could move there.

:banghead:

First of all, who the heck does she think she is, *demanding* we move ANYWHERE?! Wolf pointed out that yes, while the weather would be milder, its a very expensive place to live, little work, etc. She ignored this, of course.

Once again, an end run around (or attempted end run) the fact she's been told NO, she cannot live with us. I am not physically capable of caring for her as her needs increase. Just can.not.do.it.

The fact that her under the same roof would end with Wolf and I divorcing and then battling over who would be stuck with her (HIM, she's not my mother!) doesn't even enter into it. I cannot manage her needs. Can't.

Why does she continue to pull this crap? We've encouraged/begged her to move to the same province as us, to find an apt while waiting for a place in extended care, but nope...she won't move unless its IN with us. She's dug in her heels, reminds Wolf constantly that she adopted him, he owes her, etc. We'd love to have her near enough to visit regularily, but living with us just is not going to happen. She's cutting off her nose to spite her face, her way or nothing. Well, not nothing...she whines to her entire family about how ungrateful Wolf is, etc.

I really hate this crap. Thank GOD he has the sense not to put me on the phone with her, b/c I'd blow up. I just don't have the patience to deal with her nonsense.

Veritaserum · May 8, 2011

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I have an emotionally manipulative MIL, too, and she lived with us for three years. Dh and I would have inevitably divorced if I had not forced her and FIL to move out.

Stand your ground!

Anita in NC · May 8, 2011

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Last time my MIL called she said that she couldn't find anyone to buy her house and since we don't have a mortgage and are the only family member that would qualify for a mortgage we need to buy her house from her. :glare:

I try and just look at things from a humorous point of view! Because it isn't going to happen.

kchara · May 8, 2011

:grouphug:

plain jane · May 8, 2011

I'm sorry, IMP. :grouphug: I would not deal well with that either. :willy_nilly:

Impish · May 8, 2011

Honestly, I feel just stunned that she would think she has the right to tell us where we need to be living. I mean, seriously.

plain jane · May 8, 2011

Honestly, I feel just stunned that she would think she has the right to tell us where we need to be living. I mean, seriously.

I have inlaws who like to pry into how much we pay for everything then proceed to tell us what we should be doing with our money. :rolleyes: I told them to save that advice when they are millionaires and then we'll listen to it. ;)

Bean dip, anyone?

ETA: I should add that mine have good intentions (doesn't sound like the case with yours) but still... I don't need to be told that you think I spent too much on this or that after the fact. :001_huh:

Impish · May 8, 2011

More details emerge.

SHE has friends there. That's why she wants US to move there.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

meggie · May 8, 2011

You should laugh, crying ruins your makeup;)

I'm pretty sure she didn't adopt him as her retirement plan: "When I'm old and gray, this child can take care of me,":001_huh: so that argument can be thrown out the window.

My inlaws used to constantly ask when we'd be moving close to them (2000 miles away). Granted, they never demanded or had ill intentions or were manipulative, they just said it a lot. But nope, taking care of our family first is the way it goes. No guilt for that.

Impish · May 8, 2011

You should laugh, crying ruins your makeup;)

I'm pretty sure she didn't adopt him as her retirement plan: "When I'm old and gray, this child can take care of me,":001_huh: so that argument can be thrown out the window.

My inlaws used to constantly ask when we'd be moving close to them (2000 miles away). Granted, they never demanded or had ill intentions or were manipulative, they just said it a lot. But nope, taking care of our family first is the way it goes. No guilt for that.

Umm, she's flat out SAID that she adopted so that she'd have someone to take care of her when she was older. So, its not something that we're making up, or assuming.

Is there a nice way of saying, "You don't get a vote in where we live"? Cause I can't think of one, yet would rather NOT be mean if I can avoid it.

dirty ethel rackham · May 8, 2011

:grouphug::grouphug:

Is there a nice way of saying, "You don't get a vote in where we live"? Cause I can't think of one, yet would rather NOT be mean if I can avoid it.

I am wondering why, after all the crap she has pulled, you are concerned with being nice. I don't see anything wrong with telling like it is. Set the boundary and, if she gets mad, calmly tell her that you don't have to take that and hang up.

Impish · May 8, 2011

:grouphug::grouphug:

I am wondering why, after all the crap she has pulled, you are concerned with being nice. I don't see anything wrong with telling like it is. Set the boundary and, if she gets mad, calmly tell her that you don't have to take that and hang up.

Out of concern for my dh, not her. He's the one that she has hysterics on...him, and then all his aunts, uncles, cousins...he's left looking like some wimp that can't handle his wife, the Shrew who beats up on his elderly mother.

meggie · May 8, 2011

Umm, she's flat out SAID that she adopted so that she'd have someone to take care of her when she was older. So, its not something that we're making up, or assuming.

Is there a nice way of saying, "You don't get a vote in where we live"? Cause I can't think of one, yet would rather NOT be mean if I can avoid it.

:001_huh::ohmy::crying::mad:Oh. My. Word. That is absolutely despicable and disgusting. That's like the witch on Tangled: "I took you in because of what you can do for me, not what I can do for you."

:grouphug:to you and :grouphug: hugs to your husband. I honestly don't know if you can do anything that won't make her whine to the whole family. A brief, "We can't move there. When you want to move to an apartment close to us, let us know" might be the best you can do.

But you can't change her. Anything other than what she wants is going to result in a temper tantrum. Stand your ground.

tex-mex · May 8, 2011

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

:iagree: Sorry Impish had to endure that... :grouphug:

Allearia · May 8, 2011

Umm, she's flat out SAID that she adopted so that she'd have someone to take care of her when she was older. So, its not something that we're making up, or assuming.

Is there a nice way of saying, "You don't get a vote in where we live"? Cause I can't think of one, yet would rather NOT be mean if I can avoid it.

I would just say it like that. The time for worrying about being mean is long past. Too bad for her if she adopted with that in mind, that is her problem and she needs to get over it.

Remudamom · May 8, 2011

Who gives a crap what she demands? Life's too short. Ignore her or laugh in her face.

dirty ethel rackham · May 8, 2011

I'm not talking about you being a shrew, but about standing your ground. If they see it as shrewish, then that is their problem. Calm, polite, but firm. I guess I don't understand why he can't set the boundary and not leave it up to you. If they criticize him, then he can say, "I am sorry you see it that way." and then pass the bean dip. If these people are that mean-spirited, does he really need them in his life? He can be polite, but distant.

I know it is easier said than done (btdt with my own mom), but it is so worth it to have peace.

Impish · May 8, 2011

Wolf *does* stand up to her. All. The. Time.

What happens is, she doesn't hear him. Seriously. She then waits to talk to me, and brings things up as if its a new thing, that they've never talked about it, he's never said a word. And I call her on it, every time. "You've already talked to Wolf about this. He's said no." She then whines that I could change his mind, that her and I could make him...

Seriously, its classic NPD. She believes women have value, not men. I've learned the hard way that just b/c he says something doesn't mean its worth diddly. OR, he only says no b/c I want him to. Never, EVER is anything her fault or responsibility.

I swear, trying to get her to modify her behaviour is like nailing jello to a tree. It doesn't help that EVERYONE has allowed this for all her life. Her sibs, their spouses, have always, ALWAYS catered to her, to prevent her hysterical tantrums. I had her sister in law warn me about them. Wolf and I are the only ones that ever tell her no, and deal with the fall out...which makes us the bad guys in her family, b/c she's 'sensitive' and 'thats the way she is'.

Hedgehog · May 8, 2011

Wolf *does* stand up to her. All. The. Time.

What happens is, she doesn't hear him. Seriously. She then waits to talk to me, and brings things up as if its a new thing, that they've never talked about it, he's never said a word. And I call her on it, every time. "You've already talked to Wolf about this. He's said no." She then whines that I could change his mind, that her and I could make him...

Seriously, its classic NPD. She believes women have value, not men. I've learned the hard way that just b/c he says something doesn't mean its worth diddly. OR, he only says no b/c I want him to. Never, EVER is anything her fault or responsibility.

I swear, trying to get her to modify her behaviour is like nailing jello to a tree. It doesn't help that EVERYONE has allowed this for all her life. Her sibs, their spouses, have always, ALWAYS catered to her, to prevent her hysterical tantrums. I had her sister in law warn me about them. Wolf and I are the only ones that ever tell her no, and deal with the fall out...which makes us the bad guys in her family, b/c she's 'sensitive' and 'thats the way she is'.

I'm so sorry for all the cr@p this b!tch is dealing out to you guys.. she really is something else. :grouphug:

And I understand what it is to feel that you should keep contact with family - so I'm not critical of your dh at all.

But. This isn't helping any of you - it isn't even helping your MIL, although you shouldn't worry about that. You're ill; both you and your dh have a lot on your plate. I'm 100% certain that extra stress won't do you any good.

If it was me (which it isn't, I know, but FWIW) I would be taking a very long, hard look at which scenario I wanted to live with for the rest of my life: either

continue being in touch with MIL, with all the stress and angst it causes, or
cut off all contact with MIL (either just you, but much better if it's both you and your dh) and also all contact with anyone from your dh's family who is "on MIL's side" so to speak.

My guess is that the whole scenario winds you up because of her blatant disrespect of both your dh and you, and the choices you make for your family. To my way of thinking, the question is whether you are prepared to carry on swallowing what she throws at you, or not.

And can I just say, that the whole "I adopted you so that you can look after me when I'm older" bit makes me feel rather sick.

:grouphug: Imp :grouphug:

Impish · May 8, 2011

My guess is that the whole scenario winds you up because of her blatant disrespect of both your dh and you, and the choices you make for your family. To my way of thinking, the question is whether you are prepared to carry on swallowing what she throws at you, or not.

And can I just say, that the whole "I adopted you so that you can look after me when I'm older" bit makes me feel rather sick.

:grouphug: Imp :grouphug:

Bingo. The complete lack of respect/blatant disrespect of him as a man, an adult, as a huband, a father...us as a married couple...

Problem is, she's in her 80s. Her health is failing. My husband couldn't live with himself if he cut her off. We've banned her from our home before, (he went and saw her at the uncle's, but she wasn't stepping foot in our home) but actually cutting her off he can't bring himself to do.

So, standing up to her is all we can do, really. Call her on her bs, don't let her skate with it...thats the only way we've found to deal with her at all, and even that's a change. Wolf just used to ignore it, completely. He's so used to it, it just didn't register until I came along and started foaming at the mouth and ripping about her crap.

Plus, I really do think that she's become more blatant since we've been married. Either her age, or the fact that she's learning that she can't control us is making her double, triple, quadruple her efforts. She's finally admitting she cannot continue to live on her own anymore, and that's factoring too. She told Wolf she's on the list for extended care, and rather than him being aghast and begging her to move in with us, he said, "Good!". Yeah. Did. Not. Go. Over. Well.

Hedgehog · May 8, 2011

Bingo. The complete lack of respect/blatant disrespect of him as a man, an adult, as a huband, a father...us as a married couple...

Problem is, she's in her 80s. Her health is failing. My husband couldn't live with himself if he cut her off. We've banned her from our home before, (he went and saw her at the uncle's, but she wasn't stepping foot in our home) but actually cutting her off he can't bring himself to do.

I understand. I would have trouble with that myself, tbh.

She's 80? You know what.. she's been wasting her life, then, not learning some fundamental life lessons and truths about how you do and do not treat people. So sad. Really.

So, standing up to her is all we can do, really. Call her on her bs, don't let her skate with it...thats the only way we've found to deal with her at all, and even that's a change. Wolf just used to ignore it, completely. He's so used to it, it just didn't register until I came along and started foaming at the mouth and ripping about her crap.

Plus, I really do think that she's become more blatant since we've been married. Either her age, or the fact that she's learning that she can't control us is making her double, triple, quadruple her efforts. She's finally admitting she cannot continue to live on her own anymore, and that's factoring too. She told Wolf she's on the list for extended care, and rather than him being aghast and begging her to move in with us, he said, "Good!". Yeah. Did. Not. Go. Over. Well.

That last made me laugh.. sorry.. but it did! :D

If your dh is used to listening to the bs and ignoring it all, could you live such that you (personally) never speak to her or see her? Or speak to/see anyone else who would give you a hard time about that?

Please be kind to yourself.. you have a lot going on in your life!

Edited May 8, 2011 by Hedgehog

elfgivas · May 8, 2011

:grouphug:

this too shall pass.....

in the meantime, NPD doesn't modify well, if at all, so if you can, it might help you to practice rolling your eyes when she says things like that..... its all about her, not about you, and so this just fits perfectly :blink:

it was nice of your dh to call; a card might be simpler.... ;)

:grouphug:

ann

Tammyla · May 9, 2011

:grouphug:Big hug, dealing with her sounds like walking through land mines.:grouphug:

Impish · May 9, 2011

:grouphug:

this too shall pass.....

in the meantime, NPD doesn't modify well, if at all, so if you can, it might help you to practice rolling your eyes when she says things like that..... its all about her, not about you, and so this just fits perfectly :blink:

it was nice of your dh to call; a card might be simpler.... ;)

:grouphug:

ann

I know NPD is what it is. I try, very hard, to let things go, keep telling myself she isn't mentally well, you can't expect rational behaviour from an irrational mind, etc.

But right now, I just don't have the patience. I truly don't. And, its as though she's aware of that, and stepping up her game.

She knows that WCB is (hopefully) coming to an end. She knows we want to move. How she figures she's any part of any of it boggles my mind.

What *really* boggles my mind is my parents want us to move to their province so they can be there to help ME, with hsing, the kids, etc. MIL demands we move to her to take care of HER.

I really, really don't want to just blow up and spew all over her. I'd be ashamed of myself for that, its not who I am, not who I want to be.

Thats why my plan, at this point, is to avoid her.

MariannNOVA · May 9, 2011

Thats why my plan, at this point, is to avoid her.

THAT is a good plan. :grouphug:

Impish · May 9, 2011

THAT is a good plan. :grouphug:

Well, a plan anyways.

She isn't stupid. When I've ducked her calls, she ends up talking to Tazzie or Princess (Wolf doesn't restrict her with the kids, I have no issues with that)...and then she asks one of the Littles to give me the phone.

So, I end up stuck.

Hedgehog · May 9, 2011

Well, a plan anyways.

She isn't stupid. When I've ducked her calls, she ends up talking to Tazzie or Princess (Wolf doesn't restrict her with the kids, I have no issues with that)...and then she asks one of the Littles to give me the phone.

So, I end up stuck.

You could get stuck elsewhere, and not be able to take the phone. :D

Firestar Academy · May 9, 2011

Who gives a crap what she demands? Life's too short. Ignore her or laugh in her face.

:lol::lol::lol::iagree:

had to laugh at this one!

Robin in NJ

Impish · May 9, 2011

You could get stuck elsewhere, and not be able to take the phone. :D

She's been known to have the kids stand outside the bathroom door, waiting for me to come out.

Kid. You. Not.

Course, I have talked to the kids about THAT one.

Oh! More news!

She was complaining that nobody would put her up this summer. She likes to invade...errr...visit for SIX WEEKS at a time. Everyone has told her flat out no. "Nobody can handle taking care of me!'

She's ticked, and no doubt that adds another layer to her demanding we move where she wants.

She tried to push Wolf to agreeing to a visit, but he told her we have no clue what this summer holds, and if things go as we pray they do, we'll be very busy checking out real estate, packing, moving...def not a time for a visit, period.

Of course, LAST summer he told her no. She booked a 6 wk trip. She agreed to shorten it to 2 wks...then shortened it by less than 10 days. So, I don't doubt we may get a call from the airport, or something equally stupid.

Starr · May 9, 2011

You really have to be sure you and Wolf are on the same page and then just let her natter on, but no giving in. She's pushing as hard as she can and you have to be tougher but try not to get sucked into the drama. I know, ha ha. If it doesn't bother dh maybe he could keep some of her comments to himself and spare you the details. :grouphug:

arghmatey · May 9, 2011

Isn't she the one who physically abuses you each and every time she sees you (by pulling on your arm and causing you intentional pain)?

She probably figures since she gets away with this behavior (by y'all still acknowledging her existence), she can do / say whatever she pleases.

Telling you where to live is much kinder than physically harming you.

Starr · May 9, 2011

No, don't tell me she would call from the airport! :eek:

Impish · May 9, 2011

Isn't she the one who physically abuses you each and every time she sees you (by pulling on your arm and causing you intentional pain)?

She probably figures since she gets away with this behavior (by y'all still acknowledging her existence), she can do / say whatever she pleases.

Telling you where to live is much kinder than physically harming you.

Yes, she does. And its not kinder when she plans to move in. :glare:

And I don't doubt that she would call from the airport, or even the night before to tell us when she gets in. Its the kind of stunt she lives for.

One visit, she changed her trip so she'd arrive on my birthday. Wolf, without any input from me, told her he'd pick her up, take her to the uncle's, but she couldn't come for a visit that day b/c it was my birthday, and he didn't want me having to do a thing other than enjoy my day, that we'd see her the next day, whatever.

She deliberately arranged for her brother to go out, telling him that she was coming to our place for dinner, so when Wolf picked her up, there was nowhere to leave her! Leaving an elderly woman in a parking lot, in August may be tempting, but...

First thing she said to me, coming through the door, was, "I bet you're surprised to see me, aren't you!" She'd done it deliberately. Completely. Admitted to it later. "I'm in town, you don't get to tell me I CAN'T visit when I want!" Yeah.

So calling from the airport would be in complete character for her.

AuntieM · May 9, 2011

Time to change your phone number and not share that new information.

This happens to you every summer. I know it's hard, but you and Wolf really should have some better evasive maneuvers by now! If no one else in the family wants to put her up for her extended visits, that means they know all about her. The fear of the extended family thinking ill of you seems unfounded. That's a guilt trip you are allowing her to send you on.

:grouphug: I don't mean to sound harsh. But I do mean to sound like a mama being stern. You are letting her drive you crazy by making you feel guilty. Just quit it! We all know it's not you, it's her! I suspect that you are, deep-down, a tender hearted softie. You don't want to make your beloved husband choose between you and the only mother he has, foolish old woman she may be. That's admirable, but you *really* must protect your health (and protect yourself from further injury) because your own family needs you!

QueenCat · May 9, 2011

Time to change your phone number and not share that new information.

This happens to you every summer. I know it's hard, but you and Wolf really should have some better evasive maneuvers by now! If no one else in the family wants to put her up for her extended visits, that means they know all about her. The fear of the extended family thinking ill of you seems unfounded. That's a guilt trip you are allowing her to send you on.

:grouphug: I don't mean to sound harsh. But I do mean to sound like a mama being stern. You are letting her drive you crazy by making you feel guilty. Just quit it! We all know it's not you, it's her! I suspect that you are, deep-down, a tender hearted softie. You don't want to make your beloved husband choose between you and the only mother he has, foolish old woman she may be. That's admirable, but you *really* must protect your health (and protect yourself from further injury) because your own family needs you!

:iagree: I couldn't say it any better. You have NO reason to feel guilty by doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your family.

foxbridgeacademy · May 9, 2011

Been there, that's why we haven't spoken to my DH's parents in over 6 years. Life has been much happier for him. Less stress and worry. I have a sister similar to your MIL, manipulative, whiney, always gets her way. We used to give in to her tantrums, but finally said "enough" she has actually improved a bit over the last few years. I would treat her like a child, put your foot down and refuse to even speak about it. If she can't have a normal conversation refuse to talk to her.

Woodhaven · May 9, 2011

Hummm... Not meaning to sound or be mean, but really!! Perhaps if she shows up uninvited your dh should take her to a motel and suggest she book a flight home ASAP.

That is beyond rude!!!

Impish · May 9, 2011

Time to change your phone number and not share that new information.

This happens to you every summer. I know it's hard, but you and Wolf really should have some better evasive maneuvers by now! If no one else in the family wants to put her up for her extended visits, that means they know all about her. The fear of the extended family thinking ill of you seems unfounded. That's a guilt trip you are allowing her to send you on.

:grouphug: I don't mean to sound harsh. But I do mean to sound like a mama being stern. You are letting her drive you crazy by making you feel guilty. Just quit it! We all know it's not you, it's her! I suspect that you are, deep-down, a tender hearted softie. You don't want to make your beloved husband choose between you and the only mother he has, foolish old woman she may be. That's admirable, but you *really* must protect your health (and protect yourself from further injury) because your own family needs you!

Not making him choose is *exactly* right. I don't want to put him in a position of resenting me in the future. I feel like the best I can do for him is support him in whatever he chooses, but if I push him to cut her off, he'll end up guilty and resentful...I won't allow her to ruin my marriage.

My husband is worth more than any of the crud she can throw.

Talking here, believe it or not, does me a lot of good. It helps me to gain perspective, and calm down so that I don't go off.

As far as extended family goes, we get in crap every year for not hosting her. We have her for a wknd or two, but not for weeks. Thats part of whats happening this year...time for Wolf to 'man up' and take care of his mother. That we hold her off to wknds is evasive manouvering, lol!

Its just a mess. I'm trying to regain my sense of humour about it, but I don't seem to have the energy yet. I'm hoping I get some back before the next shot across the bow...b/c I have no doubt its coming.

*Lulu* · May 9, 2011

Oh.My.Goodness.

She sounds like the MIL from hell!

I think you are completely right not to allow her to cause problems in your marriage. And i think that your DH's desire to care for his mother, despite her poor behavior, speaks volumes about the sort of man he is.

I get putting up with crazy relations. I even get caring for a parent that by all rights should be written off. (We deal with a great deal of this with my grandmother and dad.)

I also, however, think that when she crosses the line from mental/emotional torment into physical that the rules are changed. Could you arrange to be gone when she visits? Could DH go visit her instead? Does your DH realize she is physically harming you?

If she was doing something to one of your children to purposely, physically cause harm I imagine that neither you or your DH would stand for it. You are as worthy of that protection as they are.

:grouphug: I hope you and your DH can find a way to navigate this with your sanity and sense of humor in tact!

*Lulu* · May 9, 2011

.