Please critique my son's essay!

[mjbucks1]

My ds is 13, and technically in 8th grade, but he is more or less at a high school level (see curricula below). I find past critiques to be just what we need. His assignment was to do a lit analysis descibing how symbols are used in Jane Eyre. This is his third revision. Please be very honest. I will have him read the critiques (he is mature enough to handle them :D). He has also read past critiques on here, so he knows they will not all be favorable. PLEASE share your honest opinion. DS really LOVES to read, but does not like to write at all. Thank you!!

 

In the book Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, the author utilizes symbolism to emphasize the feelings of the characters. Two of these symbols are the experience Jane has in the red-room and the various places Jane visits throughout the book. The red-room is a symbol for down-cast feelings, while the homes in the book emphasize the feelings the characters experience at the time they inhabit them.

The red-room, where Jane has a terrifying experience, is one symbol used by Bronte. When Jane was young, she was unjustly punished by her aunt and sent to the red-room, where she fears a ghost and eventually passes out. Later in the book, when Jane faces extreme sadness, she thinks back to the red-room. When she is embarrassed at Lowood, Jane, in telling her story to Miss Temple, relates the episode in the red-room. This mention of the experience links her feelings of humiliation to the red-room. Also, when Jane decides to leave Thornfield instead of becoming Mr. Rochester’s mistress, Jane says “I dreamt I lay in the red-room…that the night was dark, and my mind impressed with strange fears,†showing her misery by remembering one of her most frightening experiences. The red-room, then, is what Jane looks back to when deeply saddened.

The various homes where Jane lives symbolize the feelings of the characters. This is shown first by Lowood, a dreary school where the students are not cared for properly. When she first arrives, she is made to stand up in front of the school and is called a liar, but when the school improves, Jane begins to excel. The school at first represents a point in Jane’s life where she feels miserable, but as the school improves, Jane improves in both mood and education, which is shown when Jane states that her life was “not unhappy†and she had “the means of an excellent education placed within [her] reach.†The second building Jane stays at is Thornfield Hall, a neglected mansion with a dark secret. Here Jane falls in love with the owner of the mansion and is engaged to him, only to find out, as they are standing at the altar, that he already has a wife. This mansion symbolizes Jane’s feelings of degradation. The symbolical place Jane next stays in is Moor House, a small, somewhat run-down place that Jane fixes up. This is a house that Jane stays in after finding both fortune and family. A high point in Jane’s life is shown here by the fact that she feels a rise in importance. The final mansion Jane visits is Ferndean, a manor-house that Mr. Rochester inhabits. In a state of dejection, he moves to this place after losing Jane, Thornfield Hall, and his eyesight. Described as a “desolate spot,†this backwoods manor shows the sadness and seclusion Mr. Rochester feels (303). Therefore, the places inhabited by Jane and other characters show the feelings of those characters.

In Jane Eyre, many symbols are used by the author in order to emphasize the feelings of the characters. These symbols include the red-room and the residences Jane visits. The red-room is a place Jane mentions when feeling downtrodden, and because it was her first truly terrible experience, it intensifies the miserable mood at the time it is mentioned. Also, the houses Jane visits symbolize the feelings of the characters that live there because the setting of those residences reflects the mood. Thus, the symbols in Jane Eyre are important in portraying the characters feelings.

[at the beach]

My ds is 13, and technically in 8th grade, but he is more or less at a high school level (see curricula below). I find past critiques to be just what we need. His assignment was to do a lit analysis descibing how symbols are used in Jane Eyre. This is his third revision. Please be very honest. I will have him read the critiques (he is mature enough to handle them :D). He has also read past critiques on here, so he knows they will not all be favorable. PLEASE share your honest opinion. DS really LOVES to read, but does not like to write at all. Thank you!!

 

In the book I'm not sure it's necessary to have "the book" in this sentence, is it? Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, the author utilizes symbolism to emphasize the feelings of the characters. Two of these symbols are the experience Jane has in the red-room and the various places Jane visits throughout the book

Okay, I might suggest that he simply name the symbols "the red room" and perhaps something else for "various places Jane visits." Maybe something more specific here? Also, when he says the experience Jane "has" in the red room, it does not give the feeling that this is something that happened long ago. The red-room is a symbol for I'd clarify that the room is a symbol for Jane's down cast feelingsdown-cast feelings, while the homes in the book emphasize the feelings the characters experience at the time they inhabit them.

The red-room, where Jane has Again, to me, using "has" for something that took place long ago seems off. a terrifying experience, is one symbol used by Bronte. When Jane was young, she was unjustly punished by her aunt and sent to the red-room, where she fears a ghost and eventually passes out verb tenses--"punished" and then "fears" and "passes". Later in the book I'd suggest he try to be a bit more specific--when exactly does Jane face extreme sadness, not sure that "Later in the book" is the best way to lead into the rest of the sentence., when Jane faces extreme sadness, she thinks back to the red-room. When she is embarrassed at Lowood, Jane, in telling her story to Miss Temple, relates the episode in the red-room. This mention of the experience links her feelings of humiliation to the red-room. Also, when Jane decides to leave Thornfield instead of becoming Mr. Rochester’s mistress, Jane says “I dreamt I lay in the red-room…that the night was dark, and my mind impressed with strange fears,” showing her misery by remembering one of her most frightening experiences. The red-room, then, is what Jane looks back to when deeply saddened.

I'd suggest he try to add a transition here to move into this new paragraph. For example, "Just as the red room symbolizes Jane's feelings," could be attached to the next sentence. I know, it's very basic, so I'm sure your son can come up with better, but that's just to give an idea of what I'm thinking. The various homes where Jane lives symbolize the feelings of the characters. This is shown first by Lowood, a dreary school where the students are not cared for properly. When she first arrives, she is made to stand up in front of the school and is called a liar, but when the school improves, Jane begins to excel. The school at first represents a point in Jane’s life where she feels miserable, but as the school improves, Jane improves in both mood and education, which is shown when Jane states that her life was “not unhappy” and she had “the means of an excellent education placed within [her] reach.” The second building Jane stays at is Thornfield Hall, a neglected mansion with a dark secret. Here Jane falls in love with the owner of the mansion and is engaged to him, only to find out, as they are standing at the altar, that he already has a wife. This mansion symbolizes Jane’s feelings of degradation. The symbolical symbolical or symbolic?place Jane next stays in is Moor House, a small, somewhat run-down place that I've been told that if you can eliminate a "that" in a sentence, you should try to and see how it sounds without, so it might just be something to keep in mindJane fixes up. This is a house that Jane stays in after finding both fortune and family Very nice sentence, but there is the word "that" in this one, too, so again, I'd suggest he see how he likes it if he removes the word that on occasion.. A high point in Jane’s life is shown here by the fact that Of course, this "that" can't be removed.she feels a rise in importance. The final mansion Jane visits is Ferndean, a manor-house that Mr. Rochester inhabits. In a state of dejection, he moves to this place after losing Jane, Thornfield Hall, and his eyesight. Described as a “desolate spot,” this backwoods manor shows the sadness and seclusion Mr. Rochester feels (303). Therefore, the places inhabited by Jane and other characters show the feelings of those characters.

In Jane Eyre, many symbols are used by the author in order to emphasize the feelings of the characters. These symbols include the red-room and the residences Jane visits. The red-room is a place Jane mentions when feeling downtrodden, and because it was her first truly terrible experience, it intensifies the miserable mood at the time it is mentioned. Also, the houses Jane visits symbolize the feelings of the characters that live there because the setting of those residences reflects the mood. Thus, the symbols in Jane Eyre are important in portraying the characters feelings.

 

Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed reading this very much. I think his love of reading comes through. I hope that my comments are helpful in some way, but I am no expert. I just offered some thoughts that came to mind as I read.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Violet

[mjbucks1]

Violet, thank you so much for taking the time to read his essay and for such helpful suggestions. I know he has learned many of the grammatical points in Rod and Staff, but sometimes that does not transition to writing :001_smile:. I will definately have him revise using your corrections. If anyone else has any comments I would love to hear them.

[Ester Maria]

In the book Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte,

Avoid using "a book" outside of colloqual speech, as strictly speaking it refers to a physical object containing writing; when you wish to refer to the writing itself you can say "a work" if you do not wish to specify, but it is often the best to just state the literary genre, so, "a novel". :)

Two of these symbols are the experience Jane has in the red-room and the various places Jane visits throughout the book. The red-room is a symbol for down-cast feelings, while the homes in the book emphasize the feelings the characters experience at the time they inhabit them.

The red-room, where Jane has a terrifying experience, is one symbol used by Bronte.

Cut unnecessary repetition: combine all three into one meaningful thought about red-room as a symbol.

When Jane was young, she was unjustly punished by her aunt and sent to the red-room, where she fears a ghost and eventually passes out. Later in the book, when Jane faces extreme sadness, she thinks back to the red-room. When she is embarrassed at Lowood, Jane, in telling her story to Miss Temple, relates the episode in the red-room. This mention of the experience links her feelings of humiliation to the red-room. Also, when Jane decides to leave Thornfield instead of becoming Mr. Rochester’s mistress, Jane says “I dreamt I lay in the red-room…that the night was dark, and my mind impressed with strange fears,†showing her misery by remembering one of her most frightening experiences.

(i) The context is missing. Not that you have to retell the plot, but you have to provide a minimal context for what you write about. What is Lowood, who is Miss Temple, what is Thornfield...? The context has to be brief, but of the kind that does not leave a reader for whom this is not a fresh reading totally perplexed.

 

(ii) Quotes (not only in this instance) are dealt with poorly. If you quote, be sure to include the page, with the full bibliographic note (specifying the edition, so one can look up those quotes) at the end of the essay.

The school at first represents a point in Jane’s life where she feels miserable, but as the school improves, Jane improves in both mood and education, which is shown when Jane states that her life was “not unhappy†and she had “the means of an excellent education placed within [her] reach.â€

This is an instance of too much context: so much that it becomes irrelevant for what you write about. Unless you are going to somehow "tie" this sentence about Jane's feelings changing to the changing of the descriptions and perception (by the characters) of architecture (no longer perceiving it as bleak, etc.), it is irrelevant.

Therefore, the places inhabited by Jane and other characters show the feelings of those characters.

In Jane Eyre, many symbols are used by the author in order to emphasize the feelings of the characters. These symbols include the red-room and the residences Jane visits.

Remove all of this, unnecessary repetition again.

The red-room is a place Jane mentions when feeling downtrodden, and because it was her first truly terrible experience, it intensifies the miserable mood at the time it is mentioned. Also, the houses Jane visits symbolize the feelings of the characters that live there because the setting of those residences reflects the mood. Thus, the symbols in Jane Eyre are important in portraying the characters feelings.

The conclusion is okay.

[mjbucks1]

Thank you for taking the time to read my son's essay, Ester Maria. You definately pointed out some items I missed (which has me seriously doubting my ability to teach writing :)). I did know the quotes were not cited properly, but I wanted someone else to mention this besides myself (I think my son will take the critique of others more seriously). Again, thank you for your help!

 

Michelle