How do I get this stinkin' toddler to sleep through the night??

[TKDmom]

I'm so sleep deprived. DD is 20 months old and no longer in a crib. Last night she fell asleep between 8:30 and 9:00pm. Then she woke up at 10:30 and stayed up for 2 hours! And then I woke up at 5:30 with her in my bed kicking me. :cursing: I know she woke up once or twice between midnight and 5am, but it's all a blur. She was lucky that dh rescued her from my very grumpy self and got her back to sleep this morning.

 

This is just ridiculous. She had a fever the last couple of days, so she's waking up more than normal. But she has NEVER slept through the night. I'm ready to pull my hair out. Actually, that might be a good idea. She thinks she needs to have her fingers wrapped up in my hair to go to sleep.

 

I need some sleep. Help.

 

 

 

 

P.S. Please don't tell me how I should have gotten her to sleep through the night a year-and-a-half ago, and that I'm failing as a mother. I'm well aware of that, and my emotions are...fragile right now.

[Shellydon]

How long is her nap each day? How does she go to sleep at night (rocking?)

[Laura Corin]

Does she always come in to you or do you also go to her? What do you do/say when she gets up?

 

Laura

[kalanamak]

My son gave up naps around that age. Or perhaps she needs a nap, so she won't drift off at 8:30.

 

:grouphug: I hate sleep deprived parenting. It takes the joy out of it.

[Sue G in PA]

Just wanted to offer you a big :grouphug: and tell you that you are NOT (may I repeat that?), NOT a failure as a mother. Some babies/toddlers just a more difficult time than others falling asleep and staying asleep. I wish I had some great advice for you. Sometimes when they leave the security of that crib, it is a difficult transition. Do you and dh takes turns getting up with her? Does she take regular naps during the day? (that does help) And, sometimes a nap too late in the day throws off the sleep schedule. A regular routine at night could also help (bath, book, tuck in, etc.). But, all of this you probably know and already do. Hang in there! Hope you can get a nap today!

[TKDmom]

How long is her nap each day? How does she go to sleep at night (rocking?)

 

Her nap varies. She really doesn't like to be asleep. She will usually wake up after about 1/2 hour. Sometimes, she wakes up, comes out to find me, crawls into my lap, and goes to sleep for another hour. If I am not available to let her sit with me, she might take a second nap later in the afternoon, either while the tv is on or when we are driving around to afternoon activities.

 

I usually get her to sleep by laying next to her in her bed. It can take up to an hour for her to wind down. When I want to her to fall asleep more quickly, I rock her to sleep. The combination of being held (so she can't wiggle around very much) and rocking soothes her to sleep in less than 15 minutes.

 

Like I said, she likes to hold/pull my hair when she falls asleep. She seems to need certain stimuli to relax.

[TheCoffeeChick]

My little brother needed to have something to wrap his fingers around when he was a baby too - hair or lace worked for him (my mom had long hair and she wore a nightgown that had lace trim when she nursed) - so she got him a stuffed animal with the longest fur she coud find and his baby blanket had lace around the edge. Perhaps you could find an animal or doll with hair for her to use as her comfort item?

 

:grouphug: I totally understand my ds didn't sleep through the night till he was 4! :glare: And dd, not until she was 2.

[TKDmom]

Does she always come in to you or do you also go to her? What do you do/say when she gets up?

 

 

If I wake up, I will go to her, cover her up, and pat her bottom a few times. I don't usually say anything to her. It's not uncommon for me to just fall asleep near her. I try to avoid laying down right next to her so that she doesn't expect a warm body to be there when she wakes up.

 

Most of the time, she just gets up, walks across the house, and climbs into my bed. I gradually wake up to her squirming around, kicking me, and pulling my hair. My reaction to that totally depends on how tired I am...

 

 

Geez, writing this out, I feel like I just need to pick some way to react to her waking up that is consistent and that doesn't depend on my ability to think at 2am.

Edited May 3, 2011 by bonniebeth4

[Shellydon]

Her nap varies. She really doesn't like to be asleep. She will usually wake up after about 1/2 hour. Sometimes, she wakes up, comes out to find me, crawls into my lap, and goes to sleep for another hour. If I am not available to let her sit with me, she might take a second nap later in the afternoon, either while the tv is on or when we are driving around to afternoon activities.

 

I usually get her to sleep by laying next to her in her bed. It can take up to an hour for her to wind down. When I want to her to fall asleep more quickly, I rock her to sleep. The combination of being held (so she can't wiggle around very much) and rocking soothes her to sleep in less than 15 minutes.

 

Like I said, she likes to hold/pull my hair when she falls asleep. She seems to need certain stimuli to relax.

 

 

In one of the many sleep books I've read, the author likened falling asleep with one set of circumstances (e.g., mommy next to me, rocking) and waking up with those circumstances gone is like having your pillow fall off the bed while you are asleep. It bugs you, so you wake up to look for. If you can't find that dang pillow, you get really agitated and have to get out of bed and look around for it.

So -- you need to help you DD go to sleep without you in the room. I would start by putting her in bed and sitting in a chair beside the bed. This could literally take hours. Do not pick her up unless it is to return her to the bed. Do not rock her. Do not talk to her other than "night night."

 

-- Is is possible to return her to a crib, BTW--

 

When she wakes in the night, return to the chair until she falls asleep.

 

Rinse repeat for many days until she is falling asleep with you in the chair fairly quickly. Move the chair part way across the room and repeat the procedure for several days. Move the chair to the door and repeat, move the chair to just outside the door where she can hear you say 'night night', but not see you.

 

It is a long procedure, but it does work. She can't learn to sleep through the night until you stop rocking/laying next to her to go to sleep.

 

 

My pediatrician is fine with a toddler that age being given 1/2 a mg of melatonin. GNG carries a dissolving tablet that can be broken in half.

 

Finally, do you have white noise going in her room? This would be a huge help.

[Shellydon]

Also, you need to try and attach her to some sort of lovey other than your hair. Pull your hair backs so she can't reach it and offer a blankie or stuffed animal. She is going to throw a huge fit at first, but she will adjust.

 

Hugs.

[Pata]

:grouphug: I so get the whole hair pulling thing, my ds does the same thing. No advice, just commiseration and hope that one day our guys will sleep the whole night through, every night.

 

FWIW, I did the exact same thing with both my kids to put them to sleep, one slept through the night from 2mo on, one only sleeps through the entire night once every three days. I can't figure it out. I'm just guessing that some kids have a harder time with sleep than others.

[TKDmom]

Just wanted to offer you a big :grouphug: and tell you that you are NOT (may I repeat that?), NOT a failure as a mother. Some babies/toddlers just a more difficult time than others falling asleep and staying asleep. I wish I had some great advice for you. Sometimes when they leave the security of that crib, it is a difficult transition. Do you and dh takes turns getting up with her? Does she take regular naps during the day? (that does help) And, sometimes a nap too late in the day throws off the sleep schedule. A regular routine at night could also help (bath, book, tuck in, etc.). But, all of this you probably know and already do. Hang in there! Hope you can get a nap today!

 

Thanks. Gosh, I'm so tired that brought tears to my eyes.

 

She didn't sleep when she was in the crib, either. In some ways it's easier now that she can come find me at night, since I don't always wake up.

 

And no, dh doesn't wake up at night. I gave up on that when our oldest was about a week old. :tongue_smilie: He's a much heavier sleeper than I am and it's too frustrating for me to try to get him to wake up.

[Shellydon]

Thanks. Gosh, I'm so tired that brought tears to my eyes.

 

She didn't sleep when she was in the crib, either. In some ways it's easier now that she can come find me at night, since I don't always wake up.

 

And no, dh doesn't wake up at night. I gave up on that when our oldest was about a week old. :tongue_smilie: He's a much heavier sleeper than I am and it's too frustrating for me to try to get him to wake up.

 

 

You are most certainly not a failure. Goodness no. The parenting gig is hard!

[blondeviolin]

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong...except that you're exhausted! If it makes you feel any better, my 21-mo doesn't sleep through the night either.

[fairfarmhand]

 

Like I said, she likes to hold/pull my hair when she falls asleep. She seems to need certain stimuli to relax.

my dd has a lace trimmed blanket that she needed for a long time to go to sleep. (small baby blanket trimmed w/crocheted lace. It has lots of openings for small fingers to "twiddle") Now she is 9, she doesn't need it, but she does like it. She needed something to work her fingers with to soothe herself to sleep.

[IlluminatedAttic]

:grouphug: Sounds strikingly similar to my SID son at that age. Here are a few things that helped him. First, I began putting him down for a nap earlier, before he was showing signs of fatigue. We used blackout shades to make the room as dark as possible - really nighttime dark. For several weeks I set a timer to remind myself to go back into the nap room about twenty minutes after he fell asleep so that I was right there to lay my hand on his back to apply pressure as he was cycling to lighter sleep. (I think I read about this in one of Elizabeth Pantly's books.) He would generally then not wake all the way and cycle back into a deeper sleep for at least another 45 minutes. I also made him a weighted blanket around his second birthday and that helped as well.

 

After just a week or two of working on naps we started to change our nighttime routine. Again, we moved bedtime earlier. We always gave him a warm bath first. We read the exact same book every. single. night. (This was somewhat tortuous for me, but we read dozens of others during the day so he wasn't deprived or anything.) We then turned out all the lights and I rocked and nursed him to sleep. If he woke at all during the night (before 5am for us) it was dh job to console him as any attention from me just escalated his activity level. (This was after he had been night weaned of course.) We co-sleep so he was in the bed with us and generally dh just had to hold him a bit and quietly repeat, "It's sleeping time." He was not allowed out of the bed except to go to the bathroom. When he awoke in the morning after 5am I would nurse him and then allow him to play with toys in the room while I dosed and dh got ready for work. We made sure the room was childproof of course and dh was there in the bathroom/closet with the door a little open so he could check frequently and ds could go in and out.

 

Nothing worked overnight, but this routine really did lead to better sleep habits for ds within a relatively short period of time. Good luck!

[TKDmom]

my dd has a lace trimmed blanket that she needed for a long time to go to sleep. (small baby blanket trimmed w/crocheted lace. It has lots of openings for small fingers to "twiddle") Now she is 9, she doesn't need it, but she does like it. She needed something to work her fingers with to soothe herself to sleep.

 

Hmmm, my older dd (who is very similar personality-wise) has always had an afghan that my mom made for her. Maybe I should dig around the linen closet for another afghan for baby dd. I bet she'd like the texture. Her baby blanket is very soft and smooth (similar to fleece). I don't think it's interesting enough for her fingers.

[fairfarmhand]

Hmmm, my older dd (who is very similar personality-wise) has always had an afghan that my mom made for her. Maybe I should dig around the linen closet for another afghan for baby dd. I bet she'd like the texture. Her baby blanket is very soft and smooth (similar to fleece). I don't think it's interesting enough for her fingers.

 

 

dd's first blanket was crocheted...she literally shredded it, but it did get her to sleep! She loved the thing! (we are on blanket number 4!)

[TKDmom]

In one of the many sleep books I've read, the author likened falling asleep with one set of circumstances (e.g., mommy next to me, rocking) and waking up with those circumstances gone is like having your pillow fall off the bed while you are asleep. It bugs you, so you wake up to look for. If you can't find that dang pillow, you get really agitated and have to get out of bed and look around for it.

So -- you need to help you DD go to sleep without you in the room. I would start by putting her in bed and sitting in a chair beside the bed. This could literally take hours. Do not pick her up unless it is to return her to the bed. Do not rock her. Do not talk to her other than "night night."

 

-- Is is possible to return her to a crib, BTW--

 

When she wakes in the night, return to the chair until she falls asleep.

 

Rinse repeat for many days until she is falling asleep with you in the chair fairly quickly. Move the chair part way across the room and repeat the procedure for several days. Move the chair to the door and repeat, move the chair to just outside the door where she can hear you say 'night night', but not see you.

 

It is a long procedure, but it does work. She can't learn to sleep through the night until you stop rocking/laying next to her to go to sleep.

 

 

My pediatrician is fine with a toddler that age being given 1/2 a mg of melatonin. GNG carries a dissolving tablet that can be broken in half.

 

Finally, do you have white noise going in her room? This would be a huge help.

 

This sound like a good plan. I just need to stick with it... :tongue_smilie:

 

And yes, there is a ceiling fan in her room for white noise. I also play soft music at bedtime, but I think this is backfiring on me, since it's not still playing at 2am.

[joannqn]

:grouphug:

 

My youngest is the same way. She's the worst when there's three of us in the bed; we cosleep and don't have a bed for her yet. When we get too worn out, DH sleeps on the couch.

[TKDmom]

:grouphug: Sounds strikingly similar to my SID son at that age. Here are a few things that helped him. First, I began putting him down for a nap earlier, before he was showing signs of fatigue. We used blackout shades to make the room as dark as possible - really nighttime dark. For several weeks I set a timer to remind myself to go back into the nap room about twenty minutes after he fell asleep so that I was right there to lay my hand on his back to apply pressure as he was cycling to lighter sleep. (I think I read about this in one of Elizabeth Pantly's books.) He would generally then not wake all the way and cycle back into a deeper sleep for at least another 45 minutes. I also made him a weighted blanket around his second birthday and that helped as well.

 

After just a week or two of working on naps we started to change our nighttime routine. Again, we moved bedtime earlier. We always gave him a warm bath first. We read the exact same book every. single. night. (This was somewhat tortuous for me, but we read dozens of others during the day so he wasn't deprived or anything.) We then turned out all the lights and I rocked and nursed him to sleep. If he woke at all during the night (before 5am for us) it was dh job to console him as any attention from me just escalated his activity level. (This was after he had been night weaned of course.) We co-sleep so he was in the bed with us and generally dh just had to hold him a bit and quietly repeat, "It's sleeping time." He was not allowed out of the bed except to go to the bathroom. When he awoke in the morning after 5am I would nurse him and then allow him to play with toys in the room while I dosed and dh got ready for work. We made sure the room was childproof of course and dh was there in the bathroom/closet with the door a little open so he could check frequently and ds could go in and out.

 

Nothing worked overnight, but this routine really did lead to better sleep habits for ds within a relatively short period of time. Good luck!

 

This sounds very appropriate. She does sleep longer if I lay my hand on her back before she is fully awake. Did you find that it trained him to sleep longer and that he no longer needed your help to stay asleep?

 

DD does respond better to dh. She doesn't usually want him at bedtime, but when I've had enough, he can go in and have her asleep in 5 minutes with no problems. :glare: Maybe he needs more responsibility. ;)

 

I've started to wonder if she has some sort of SPD. She can be very rigid about having everything "just right". Among other things, she throws a fit when her hands get dirty. Who ever heard of a 1-year-old who cares about being dirty? She cries every time she gets sand on her hands and will stop eating dinner if she gets too much food on her hands. Does that sound at all familiar?

[Laura Corin]

Geez, writing this out, I feel like I just need to pick some way to react to her waking up that is consistent and that doesn't depend on my ability to think at 2am.

 

Inconsistency is much more interesting than consistency. Hobbes had a hard time sleeping through the night. What worked for us was to silently take him back to bed, pick him up and put him in, then walk away. We spent days (weeks?) having him follow us back out of his bedroom, having to turn around and put him back in. If he woke up distressed (nightmare) then of course we comforted him, but otherwise our aim was to make waking up as boring as being in bed.

 

I think you probably need to use a less physical method at bedtime too, so she's not used to depending on you for falling asleep. Lots of cuddles and kisses before bedtime, a last kiss then walk away. If she follows you, just take her back to bed and silently put her back in. Repeat ad nauseam.

 

Best of luck,

 

Laura

[MeghanL]

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1617750255/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_WwcTnb08KMM5Z

 

Have you tried the above book? It might help some :)

[mommyto4]

:grouphug:

You are not alone in this and you are not a bad mother. I have a 2 year old that stills wakes at night, and it is exhausting.

 

I also have a four year old that finally sleeps through the night after almost three years of night terrors and sensory issues. When he was under two the only way to get him back to sleep was to pound on his bottom as he lay in the crib. Then as he got older he needed his knitted blanket to lay perfectly over him (not fun to fix five times a night!). We finally found flannel sheets as a solution and he uses them year round.

 

It sounds like your dd may have sensory issues. Our son definitely has sensory issues that we have consulted an OT for. He hates things being wet or dirty, can't stand bright sunlight, wears only track pants, and needs routine.

 

My advice is to keep trying different things and read lots of books on SPD. We did try melatonin on the advice of our pediatrician but found it didn't work at all.

 

Something will help and it will get better. I never thought my now four year old would ever sleep through the night, and he does beautifully now.

[IlluminatedAttic]

This sounds very appropriate. She does sleep longer if I lay my hand on her back before she is fully awake. Did you find that it trained him to sleep longer and that he no longer needed your help to stay asleep?

 

DD does respond better to dh. She doesn't usually want him at bedtime, but when I've had enough, he can go in and have her asleep in 5 minutes with no problems. :glare: Maybe he needs more responsibility. ;)

 

I've started to wonder if she has some sort of SPD. She can be very rigid about having everything "just right". Among other things, she throws a fit when her hands get dirty. Who ever heard of a 1-year-old who cares about being dirty? She cries every time she gets sand on her hands and will stop eating dinner if she gets too much food on her hands. Does that sound at all familiar?

 

Yes, he learned to sleep completely through the night within a couple of months time. We moved cross country and then lived in three different homes in the year between his second and third birthday and while naps were difficult the nighttime sleep remained consistent. Sometime around his third birthday I began putting him down for naps with an iFlop playing audio stories and he usually fell asleep after listening for about 20 minutes. I'm glad someone else mentioned white noise, I had forgotten to include that but it is important.

 

I have a 20 month old dd right now and even though she is not displaying any sensory issue signs we have used some of the same techniques, especially Papa parenting at night, and it has worked well. The biggest hurdle was me. I needed to really believe in the fact that she was being consoled by someone she loves and loves her, despite the tirade I was hearing. Before 18 months I really think she needed Mama at night, but after night weaning and knowing how attached she is to dh any other time of the day, I needed to swallow my emotions and trust in them both. Again, we co-sleep, and I actually had to spend two nights in the guest bed when we made the decision to really put all the nighttime parenting on dh, but now she sleeps from about 8pm to 5am then goes back to sleep after nursing for about another hour. This has been a journey over the past few months, but it seems to have settled to routine now.

 

As far as sensory issues, it is not uncommon for toddlers to react strongly to new sensations (sand on hands, grass under bare feet for the first time) but if the reactions are consistent you may want to do some research.

[wapiti]

You've gotten some great advice. In addition to those suggestions, I'd shoot for early naptimes and bedtimes and be very consistent about keeping to the schedule. For naptime, as one of the PP mentioned, I'd get started before you see signs of tiredness. For that age, I'd say around 12:30 pm or earlier. If the nap goes well, then bedtime around 7:00. If the nap doesn't go well, I'd move the bedtime a bit earlier. Sleep begets sleep, and being overtired, especially from going to bed too late, makes it harder to fall back to sleep after those middle-of-the-night wakings.

 

:grouphug: BTDT with my oldest dd, who has had her share of sensory issues

[amey311]

This person https://www.facebook.com/pages/Lovey-Babies/83412869564 used to make dolls with a "ponytail" of human hair. She's closing up shop, but is willing to send directions on how to make your own. I don't know if you sew or would be interested, but maybe it would solve one of the nighttime problems (that she'd have "hair" whenever).