s/o husband working long hours....how does it effect you emotional state?

[UmmiSays]

Hi to All,

So after reading the responses to the other thread about how do people homeschool when the husband is always gone, I wanted to know what are people's well-being affected?

 

I too am one of the mother's whose husbands works about 60 hours a week. For the most part I do EVERYTHING. I have been afraid to admit that at times I am miserable and I hate how that feeling manifests in my interactions with others.

 

I have decided that something has to change. I want to reduce our possesions by 50%. Only keep what we use. I want to ease up on the housework, maybe even outsource if possible. I am going to use the crockpot more often. I will increase our nature walks and park time. I also am considering moving the children's bedtime up.

 

I guess all of this is more of a declaration, but I also want to know how do you maintain everything without becoming overwhelmed and losing yourself?

[Mom0012]

My husband works very long hours, but he works from home a lot of the time. I find this very frustrating. He is here, but unavailable. I basically take care of everything except the yard work. He does take care of this, but not the way I would like, i.e., the lawn gets mowed once every 2 or 3 weeks instead of every week. I will do some weeding in the evening, but I can't be in the sun because of medication I need to take, so I just lower my standards in this area.

 

I think the worst part of it is seeing how much he's changed. His job is just basically running him into the ground so that he doesn't have any energy or enthusiasm for anything else. He used to always be working on the yard and projects around the house and he enjoyed it.

 

Lisa

[T'smom]

It effects my mental state a LOT. My dh works a lot of Saturdays and from now until August he's going to play baseball on Sundays. And Thursday nights. I want him to be able to go play baseball, he has fun, and he needs to have fun. But it's really hard on me. There are only a handful of days where he will be with us all day. (the occasional Sat. that he doesn't work) And Thursdays he comes home from work, loads the car and is gone until after the kids are in bed.

 

I was at the park the other day and the other moms seemed so much happier than I am. Ok, it was a particularly bad day......but I was feeling sorry for my kids because they're stuck with me all the time.

 

I don't have any advice......just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

[LAS in LA]

:grouphug: You all aren't alone. Thanks for the ideas of what to change.

[UmmiSays]

 

I was at the park the other day and the other moms seemed so much happier than I am. Ok' date=' it was a particularly bad day......but I was feeling sorry for my kids because they're stuck with me all the time.

 

I don't have any advice......just wanted you to know that you're not alone.[/quote']

 

 

I completely understand this. I have just gotten tired of being tired and grumpy and angry. Something has to give. We are even considering a major life change....bowing out of the rat race and moving to a lower cost of living area, this way my husband can become an intergral part of the home and education of the children. I just want to simplify as much as I can to maintain happiness within myself and the home.

[herbalgirl]

It really does affect my mental state. My dh is air force and deploys or is TDY a bit. I try to keep a good attitude about things and think of others who have it way worse than I do, but it still doesn't change the fact that my dh is gone and things are all on me.

 

My oldest takes it very hard, too, which is hard for me to deal with. He's getting to that age where he needs his dad more than just me. I struggle with how to deal with that.

[G5052]

At this point I really don't know better. For years now it has been just the kids and I at events where entire families would be invited, and I'm usually alone in the house for a few hours in the evening before I go to bed.

 

It was a big step for me to realize that I was responsible for my own happiness, not DH. I truly believe the line, "If Mama ain't happy, nobody happy." If I'm upbeat and keep the kids busy despite DH's absence, they're much happier too.

 

In our case, the situation will never change, so we make the best of it.

Edited May 1, 2011 by GVA

[Mejane]

I've learned to enjoy the peace when dh is not here. :) The kids and I are much more relaxed with regard to meals, schoolwork, bedtimes, etc. I do feel put-upon sometimes, but then I remember that he's out there somewhere working for all of us, and I try to be grateful.

[Mrs Mungo]

My dh works long hours (sometimes on the weekends) and is often gone. You have to find other people to fill your life. Your dh cannot be your only friend. Find some social outlets for you and the kids.

[justamouse]

Welcome to my life. :001_smile:

 

Here's the thing. We're partners. Fully. So though he is out working and doing what he has to do (Believe me, he really wants to be home, his heart is here, he is doing this for us) he is depending on me to run the house. That's how I don't become unglued. There is just as much pressure out there for him. He's an introvert that has to deal with people and run a company all week long. It's hard for him to do what he does, though he loves it at the same time. So I'm not alone in my stress. I just ahve to keep up with my half. I refuse to be resentful.

 

My kids ahve chores. I start them when they are very young, and grow those habits. Picking up what you play with, taking care of things, respecting other people's possessions. They help do almost everything. It's not just my house, yanno?

 

Because I have older kids it now is much easier, and I totally agree with streamlining, and paying for services if you need. My oldest son mows the lawn but i would pay for that in a heartbeat. The last thing I want Dh doing when he IS home is something like that that takes him away from us even more.

 

:grouphug: It gets better as kids get older.

Edited May 1, 2011 by justamouse

[Serenade]

 

I think the worst part of it is seeing how much he's changed. His job is just basically running him into the ground so that he doesn't have any energy or enthusiasm for anything else. He used to always be working on the yard and projects around the house and he enjoyed it.

 

Lisa

 

It sucks to have a job like this. Ugh. My husband works for a sweatshop, too. He desperately needs to take some time off (we are in the process of moving), but he is not allowed to. Then, when his vacation year is up and he's trying to use up his time, they give him a hard time for hoarding it. This happens every year. It is laughable. I guess they just want him to not take any vacation. And what can you do about it in an economy like this? I am very worried for his health.

[UmmiSays]

I think also for me I have been in some sort misery slumber for a while. I feel like the giant is waking up and is the mood for a change.

 

I have a feeling for a revolution in the home!

[Momling]

I've learned to enjoy the peace when dh is not here. :) The kids and I are much more relaxed with regard to meals, schoolwork, bedtimes, etc. I do feel put-upon sometimes, but then I remember that he's out there somewhere working for all of us, and I try to be grateful.

 

Of course I love my partner and being around her, but things are so much more smooth when she's working. We get more work done, there is less stress, kids go to sleep on time...

[Alphabetika]

My dh works normal hours (7 - 4) but he often has to work some overtime (30 minutes to an hour) and he also has a 3-or-so hour daily commute, so he's generally gone from about 6 - 6 or 6.30. Mostly, him being gone seems to make me tired, some days more than others. And often I feel like the girls and I are in our own little world all day and when he gets home, he has to enter this world from which he's been absent, which is sometimes awkward. Fortunately, when he's here, he's really HERE, though also tired, so I feel he's as available as he can be.

[Dolphin]

I have carved a window of time for myself. My ds volunteers at an autistic school one morning a week. I put my dd in daycare that same day. I make sure and do something for myself during that time. Go to coffee and read a book, get my haircut, get waxed, have a facial or a massage, go home and take a nap etc... Just for me, I don't grocery shop or anything like that, I do my errands with the kids. Those 3 hours every week are my selfish time. It is all about me! I find that helps me with the long days. I am lucky that dh's 50-60 hour weeks are temporary, but this is how I am coping.

 

I am also relaxing. I am not trying to do quick grocery shops anymore. We take our time. I have the kids helping out with more. I am serving cereal with odwalla super food for dinner a few nights a week etc...

[regentrude]

Having done 8 years of long distance relationships with distances between 50 and 1000 miles, long hours or business trips of a husband who actually LIVES in the same house do not bother me. I look forward to him coming home.

What was hard was being a single parent throughout the week when my kids were infants/toddlers and DH came home only for weekends.

 

I think the important thing is: DH is happy with his work. So, when he is away, he does what he loves and comes home excited. It would be different for our family if DH had to work long hours in a job he hated.

 

I find it important for my sanity to have my own job and my hobbies- not just family, household, kids, waiting for a husband to come home so i have somebody to talk to. If I were a SAHM I woudl probably go nuts.

[Cheryl in NM]

My DH has an odd schedule. He works 12 hour days 3 days one week and 4 days the next. He alternates like this all year round. His job is 30 minutes from home so he's usually gone for 13-14 hours on work days. There was a 14 month stretch where he worked the above alternating week schedule, but 6am to 6pm alternating with 6pm to 6am. When that was over he bought himself a big screen tv with the bonus!

 

He's worked this schedule for the last 14 years. At times I had one or both of my step-kids as well as our Ds. Parenting is hard enough when the kids don't see Daddy everyday, but step-parenting is hell in that situation.

 

Couple that with the fact that I've never liked to be without adult company and am prone to depression, my life has been a huge adjustment. I used to think that Dh was supposed to make me happy.

 

Like a PP said, I had to learn to make myself happy. With this non to midnight shift sometimes I don't get to see Dh for days. During tax season, when I work on his day off we can go 4-5 days with out seeing each other. I'm seriously cutting my hours next tax season.

 

I'm doing better now. I can text Dh at work and when it's slow we'll chat on the internet. It has gotten easier as the steps have grown up and moved on and as Ds gets older. It just takes some patience and time. I have to remember, as another PP said, that dh counts on me to keep the home. He also counts on me to oversee Ds's education. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, but Dh is a good listener.

 

My greatest advice would be to do whatever you can make the time together fun and special. When your Dh works long hours you really have no time to argue!

[speedmom4]

My husband has been traveling for his job for the past 13 years or so. He travels all over the US, Canada, and Western Europe. He is gone A LOT.

 

I chose many years ago that I could have a good attitude about it or not. I used to be miserable and just watch the calendar and clock until he got home. I finally came to a decision that I had to have a happy life if he was here or not. It was a decision and not a feeling. I think I just adopted the attitude "fake it till ya make it". I started doing fun things with the kids that we would normally only dad would do with us, like go to movies or go get ice cream.

 

I absolutely love when my husband is home but I'm just as happy when he isn't here. I think the difference is that I WANT him home but I don't NEED him home. I hope that makes sense. Our pastor always used to say, "Joy is a choice." I really believe that. It's not easy but it's worth the effort.

 

I sure hope that helps! Hope you find some peace.

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[CalicoKat]

I completely understand this. I have just gotten tired of being tired and grumpy and angry. Something has to give. We are even considering a major life change....bowing out of the rat race and moving to a lower cost of living area, this way my husband can become an intergral part of the home and education of the children. I just want to simplify as much as I can to maintain happiness within myself and the home.

 

This is where we are right now, on the verge of actually moving....

 

Although I wanted this so badly years ago and would have been thrilled to hear dh talking this way now that he is I'm struggling.

 

It's harder to do than to dream. Some of those sacrifices easily discussed are more painful in the execution.

 

In the end it's going to be good. We're in the stage right now where it's like ripping off the bandage.

 

DH spent time with this folks today chatting about the radical change we're planning. They're not taking it well. We'll be moving 250 miles from them. That' s 235 miles farther than anyone's moved from the family how before.

 

Next, the for sale sign in the front yard.

[nukeswife]

I'm one of those with a spouse in the military so he's gone for months on end at times and when he's in port (he's in the Navy) the hours are long as well.

 

I've gotten to the point that it really doesn't effect me. That may seem harsh, and as much as I love him here it's just what my life is so I don't dwell on it. Sure I have my bad days and I'll need to vent or something, so I'll come complain on here or to my mom or a friends, but it's really no different than when he's home and I need to vent. My kids are so used to it as well that it's just another day for them.

 

I think it helps that I've always been really independent so I was used to doing things on my own and having to make hard decisions without anyone else's input.

[KidsHappen]

My hubby is 4.5 days a week and how 2.5 days a week. I kind of look at our roles as he goes on the road (which he hates) to support the family and it is my responsibility to manage the home front when he is gone. Of course, I wish that I could do so much more/better than I do but emotionally for the most part, I function ok when he is gone. I tend to be a bit manic when he is gone. I sleep less and get more done but some weeks, like this past one, are really hard. Hard weeks stress me out and then when he comes home I am not as pleasant as I would like to be. I like for his time home to be all about relaxing, enjoying each other's company and having a good time as much as possible. There are tons of things that he takes care of when he is home and I am extremely thankful that he does. Plus, he does the most important things (to me) that help me function and remain emotionally stable (like letting me nap when he is home and busy because he knows that I can only sleep really well when he is home). All in all, I feel incredibly blessed which I would say probably positively influences my mood. It was much harder when the kids were younger. ;)

[T'smom]

I said I didn't have any advice, but I guess I do! I have found that expectations influence a LOT. When I don't expect him to be home, I function just fine- but if I am expecting him at 5 and he doesn't get home until 6..... that last hour lasts forever! So I do try to expect him to be home later and then I can be pleasantly surprised when he gets home 'early'!

 

I know a lot of people are saying that you can choose to be happy and that it's not dh's job to make you happy (general you).....but sometimes it's harder than other times......

[I.Dup.]

It drives me nuts if he's working a lot, moreso because of the season of life we're in. We've had periods (in the military) when he worked 16 hour days and was gone for 13 months at a time. That was tough, but it would be hell now. I did not have all of these children to raise them alone.

[Jennifer3141]

I'm one of those with a spouse in the military so he's gone for months on end at times and when he's in port (he's in the Navy) the hours are long as well.

 

I've gotten to the point that it really doesn't effect me. That may seem harsh, and as much as I love him here it's just what my life is so I don't dwell on it. Sure I have my bad days and I'll need to vent or something, so I'll come complain on here or to my mom or a friends, but it's really no different than when he's home and I need to vent. My kids are so used to it as well that it's just another day for them.

 

I think it helps that I've always been really independent so I was used to doing things on my own and having to make hard decisions without anyone else's input.

 

I loved this post! :)

 

My DH is a physician building a new practice and he is gone a lot right now. Yesterday, he came home at 7:00 and was back out the door at 7:30 and then came back home after the kids were in bed. It's crazy but he is so.darn.content, especially coming from a practice where they ripped him off and broke medical law on an hourly basis.

 

I was and still am very independent. I love my DH but I don't NEED my DH to be happy. My best friend lives 100 miles away and I try to see her at least once a week for a few days. The kids and I have 2 homes basically. Dad isn't here much so why not go out?

 

We talk throughout the day when he has time. This isn't exactly how i thought my life would turn out but we're all happy. And if DH misses something, he finds a way to make up for it somehow.

[Impish]

When we were first married, Wolf was in corporate sales. He was on the road more than home. in fact, when it was discovered I had an ectopic pregnancy, he was in a factory hours away with his boss.

 

To his boss' credit, Wolf admits he didn't know a BMW could move that fast...3 hr drive was just over an hour.

 

The co got in financial trouble, and he was laid off. It was honestly the best thing that could have happened. I don't know if our marriage would have lasted, to be honest.

 

Ever since, travelling has been a no for us. If its a once in a blue moon thing, ok...but not as routine. He can't handle being away from us any more, it makes him nuts to miss out on putting the Littles to bed, etc.

 

Its cost us, financially. Absolutely. But he's no longer willing to compromise his time. He realizes how fast kids grow, and wants to be there, a part of their lives instead of working. He's switched careers, from corporate sales to landscaping. Its been a hard road for him, but he doesn't regret a moment.

[lauracolumbus]

I'm one of those with a spouse in the military so he's gone for months on end at times and when he's in port (he's in the Navy) the hours are long as well.

 

I've gotten to the point that it really doesn't effect me. That may seem harsh, and as much as I love him here it's just what my life is so I don't dwell on it. Sure I have my bad days and I'll need to vent or something, so I'll come complain on here or to my mom or a friends, but it's really no different than when he's home and I need to vent. My kids are so used to it as well that it's just another day for them.

 

I think it helps that I've always been really independent so I was used to doing things on my own and having to make hard decisions without anyone else's input.

 

 

:iagree:This is me. RIght now, my dh is deployed (he's been gone for 13 mos), and for the most part I'm used to it. Before he deployed (he's in the reserves), he travelled a lot for business or lived in different cities. When ds was born, he lived in NYC, and I lived in DC for a year. He came home on the train on the weekends. It was so much harder when the kids were little.

 

It helps to be independent, but it's also hard when you're not around family and you're new to an area. Now, my dc are old enough that I can leave them home for short periods of time. That has made a huge difference.

 

And since I hate to cook and clean, I feel less pressure to put a Martha Stewart meal on the table. I try to look at the positives and this is definitely one.

 

I would hire out as much help as you can afford. And make time for yourself every week (I try to read one novel a week). Find something that you can do that makes you happy, even if for a short time.

 

Laura