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Ummmm, how did you become easy-going, life-goes-on, no big deal...


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I am a Bible-believing, born again Christian. I have a strong set of ethics, right-and-wrong and am very Type-A. I have definite opinions & am not afraid to use them. I am a perfectionist. I am swamped most of the time with in-and-out of home responsibilities. I have multiple friends, relatives & activities/relationships. I am not sweet & meek.

 

I just have found that I am becoming ---- easy-going :). Something I never thought would happen.

 

Often, I read some posts and wonder how someone could get so worked up about what seems like suck a tiny, insignificant thing....

 

I think my calmer, less easily offended life-skill comes from:

Growing up with 9 brothers & sisters growing up.

And 5 children who are with me 24/7 - or so it seems.

And 23 years of marriage to a guy who is imperfect.

And learning to live with imperfect "human" people.

And being very imperfect myself and having very imperfect children ;)

And 49 years.

 

And that means I have come to discover all of my own faults and sure-fire parenting strategies that have failed. I have found poorly educated and bad-mannered hsed kids; public school kids who are amazing; better behaved and/or smarter than my kids. Atheists who are kind and loving. Annoying relatives who "mean well" but say stupid things. (& sometimes I am annoying & say stupid, ridiculous things) Humility is a life-long lesson.

 

All that to say, that... (this is the part I feel strange posting), I just don't get excited over many things people say or don't say about me & my family; ways people do and do not have parties; invitations my kids don't get; teachers who lose their temper sometimes; people who say something to my children I would not have said to their children, some other family's meal / movie / chore rules or rude children who were unkind to my children. etc.

 

Numerous posts on these boards seem like non-issues to me. Like things I would never get excited or worried about. Things that I would brush off with barely a thought. Sometimes it is time.

 

Last week a fellow Bible Club leader said according to his son "Joe" - my 11yo son "Abe" told 11yo "Joe" a bad word & said to "Joe" that "you shouldn't say it aloud"). Dh checked with "Abe" who denied the whole thing - I think it is no big deal. Routine day-to-day parenting. (Not specific issue or swearing; just this is run-of-the-mill conflicts that arise. You deal with them the best you can & the next morning you're dealing with something else.)

 

In general, have you learned to let most things roll-off-your-back. That you have learned that a lot of things are just not-that-big-a-deal.

 

I think the biggest factor is years. 49 years on this planet have made me less easily offended.

 

Ok, lisaj, if this is a soapbox, I now step off...

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I am a Bible-believing, born again Christian. I have a strong set of ethics, right-and-wrong and am very Type-A. I have definite opinions & am not afraid to use them. I am a perfectionist. I am swamped most of the time with in-and-out of home responsibilities. I have multiple friends, relatives & activities/relationships. I am not sweet & meek.

 

I just have found that I am becoming ---- easy-going :). Something I never thought would happen.

 

 

 

this is so me! :iagree:

I have noticed myself becoming more easy-going w/in the last year. I praise God for it DAILY! ONLY He could change my heart & attitude! I see that I am different w/my kids, w/my friends, etc. I LOVE it! Being uptight (b/c I still am in a lot of ways) is my least favorite part of me! SOO thankful that God has changed me & is changing me!!!

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As far back as I can remember, I've always been easygoing, life will happen, don't sweat the small stuff. I'm not sure if it was nature, nurture, or a bit of both.

 

My mother, who died in 2008, was high strung, wound tight, worried about every little thing. She wasn't overly strict, nor was she overly permissive. She was definitely a worrier. Any time my brother or I left the house, she couldn't breathe easy until we returned home. The entire time we were gone, her thoughts were along the lines of "what if he/she's lying in a ditch somewhere?".

 

I really don't know if I'm easygoing because I saw what it did to her and could not live like that. Or, if I couldn't live like that because I'm easygoing. :confused:

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Kids have done it to me. They were mostly all surprises and I had to learn to chill out-I couldn't control everything.

 

:iagree: I learned to majorly chill out after #4, that was our third in 3 years and life was so insanely chaotic that I could no longer have my peaceful, controlled little life anymore- it was out of my hands. I learned more how to surrender then.

 

I am still way more uptight and judgmental and all of that then I would like, though. I just turned 29 and I've noticed in the last year or 2 I have learned to relax a bit more. I look forward to getting older for this reason. :001_smile:

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I am a Bible-believing, born again Christian. I have a strong set of ethics, right-and-wrong and am very Type-A. I have definite opinions & am not afraid to use them. I am a perfectionist. I am swamped most of the time with in-and-out of home responsibilities. I have multiple friends, relatives & activities/relationships. I am not sweet & meek.

 

I just have found that I am becoming ---- easy-going :). Something I never thought would happen.

 

Often, I read some posts and wonder how someone could get so worked up about what seems like suck a tiny, insignificant thing....

 

I think my calmer, less easily offended life-skill comes from:

Growing up with 9 brothers & sisters growing up.

And 5 children who are with me 24/7 - or so it seems.

And 23 years of marriage to a guy who is imperfect.

And learning to live with imperfect "human" people.

And being very imperfect myself and having very imperfect children ;)

And 49 years.

 

And that means I have come to discover all of my own faults and sure-fire parenting strategies that have failed. I have found poorly educated and bad-mannered hsed kids; public school kids who are amazing; better behaved and/or smarter than my kids. Atheists who are kind and loving. Annoying relatives who "mean well" but say stupid things. (& sometimes I am annoying & say stupid, ridiculous things) Humility is a life-long lesson.

All that to say, that... (this is the part I feel strange posting), I just don't get excited over many things people say or don't say about me & my family; ways people do and do not have parties; invitations my kids don't get; teachers who lose their temper sometimes; people who say something to my children I would not have said to their children, some other family's meal / movie / chore rules or rude children who were unkind to my children. etc.

 

Numerous posts on these boards seem like non-issues to me. Like things I would never get excited or worried about. Things that I would brush off with barely a thought. Sometimes it is time.

 

Last week a fellow Bible Club leader said according to his son "Joe" - my 11yo son "Abe" told 11yo "Joe" a bad word & said to "Joe" that "you shouldn't say it aloud"). Dh checked with "Abe" who denied the whole thing - I think it is no big deal. Routine day-to-day parenting. (Not specific issue or swearing; just this is run-of-the-mill conflicts that arise. You deal with them the best you can & the next morning you're dealing with something else.)

 

In general, have you learned to let most things roll-off-your-back. That you have learned that a lot of things are just not-that-big-a-deal.

 

I think the biggest factor is years. 49 years on this planet have made me less easily offended.

 

Ok, lisaj, if this is a soapbox, I now step off...

 

You sound a LOT like me. I am 50yo, and I used to be really uptight, but I think the years have mellowed me. I like the "now" me better now than the "then" me . I agree that life is a great teacher, and the longer you live, the more you learn.

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I don't think I am easy-going. :tongue_smilie: What I try to do is keep my mouth from filling the air with my rambling neurocies. I especially don't want to subject my children to certain OCD-type thoughts. My mother once asked me why toys on the floor of the playroom bothered me. She said "They are toys, in a playroom. They are *playing*. " She was totally right. Epiphany, I tell you.

 

Not every thought that pops into my head needs to be voiced. Filtering is important, and I get better as time goes by.

Edited by LibraryLover
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However, I, too, don't get the drama and trauma I so often see expressed here over things that, to me, just aren't worth the emotional energy.

 

An example from my own life:

 

My daughter (who is graduating with a degree in theater/minor in music next month) was getting all worked up the other day trying to explain to me that Glee (which she watches faithfully, by the way) doesn't accurately represent her community. It apparently drives her crazy that people she meets assume that performers are really like the characters on the show and, more specifically, that she is just like Rachel. (She's more like her than the wants to think.)

 

I just seriously couldn't understand why this is such a big deal to her? I reminded her of a comment made by a friend of ours who works in forensics for the county. She used to call CSI "the forensic science comedy hour," because it was so unrealistic. I told her there have been TV shows about doctors and lawyers and detectives for years, the vast majority of which probably don't accurately represent those professions. I explained that there have been any number of shows that portray homeschoolers in a negative light, too.

 

It's just TV, I said, fantasy, fiction. I don't expect it to be real, and I don't know many people who do. And if people have a bad impression of me or mine based on some TV show, I can't imagine thinking their opinion was worth getting me upset.

 

Then there was the whole "teen fakes pregnancy" thread, or Harry Potter or, oh gosh, so many others here. Good grief. We don't all have to be the same, think the same, believe the same. What a boring world that would be!

 

I'm not at all "laid back" in my own beliefs, but I'm also not arrogant enough to think I am so perfect that everyone should be like me.

 

Honestly, as long as what someone is doing or thinking or believing isn't hurting others, I don't have the time and energy to get all worked up about it.

 

It is true, though, that I've gotten more and more secure in my own beliefs and less and less worried about this sort of thing as I've gotten older. For me, the two have gone hand in hand.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
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I think sometimes people read their own intent or attitude into posts. I don't see a lot of people getting "worked up" in some posts, but people post like they are. It's a shame people can't post "hey, do you think this is odd, too, or am I living in a cave here?" without more intent being read into it, imho.

 

I don't let much get to me personally, but I see nothing wrong with comparing stories here and discussing things. For me, I have always been sort of easy going, but then having a real doozy of a ridiculous situation in our lives last year took off any edges that were left. When all you have left is God, your family, and a few very close friends who stick with you, you start realizing what is important and what (who) isn't. I don't think that makes me any better than those who do get excited about things. Some action and excitement is required for things to get done at times. :001_smile: A wise older homeschooler told me years ago (when I had just expressed dismay at having to present to many long-time homeschoolers who probably knew a lot more than me) that there is a need for new excitement and fresh eyes at times.

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Not every thought that pops into my head needs to be voiced. Filtering is important, and I get better as time goes by.

I'm glad to hear that. My MIL's filter, never very strong, seems to have completely disappeared.

 

Anyway. I've always been pretty easy-going, but I think years are making me more so. Two things I can think of:

 

I'm a librarian. Work often consists of people coming up to me, spouting strange (possibly insane) ideas, and asking me to give them more information that will confirm their opinions. My job is to smile and give it to them. After 10+ years, I find that my inclination to argue with anyone about anything is nearly gone. You can tell me any kind of opinion and I will smile and nod.

 

Last summer I went on a short trip with family members, including my brother and his wife. I love them, but it takes them forever to get going and my SIL's parenting is not the same as mine. I decided beforehand that I would just be Zen, enjoy the trip, and never fuss about lateness--the point was to be with them, not to get to the next point at exactly the right time. I spent much of the trip telling my mom and dad to do the same. :001_smile: I've decided to apply that in many areas, and I think it's a good plan.

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Yup - 46.75 years of living and a lot of leaning on the only perfect One, has definitely mellowed me. I have a few very strong convictions based on my core values. These are bedrock solid. Everything else is personal preference or opinion and those I've learned to hold rather loosely. :)

Edited by JustGin
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I don't know that it is simply age that mellows people. I think that oftentimes some people gain confidence as they age simply because they're learning, growing, and gaining perspective as the years go by. These people become more pleasant with age.

 

Others let the years go by and do not learn, grow, or gain perspective. Then you're just left with someone who is unpleasant, defensive, petty, etc.

 

I think healthy confidence level is the greatest factor in a person not being defensive or petty. Some people have this at a young age, some take years to acquire it, and some never do.

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I don't know that it is simply age that mellows people. I think that oftentimes some people gain confidence as they age simply because they're learning, growing, and gaining perspective as the years go by. These people become more pleasant with age.

 

Others let the years go by and do not learn, grow, or gain perspective. Then you're just left with someone who is unpleasant, defensive, petty, etc.

 

I think healthy confidence level is the greatest factor in a person not being defensive or petty. Some people have this at a young age, some take years to acquire it, and some never do.

 

That's a good point. Although I was very opinionated in my younger years and (I'm quite sure) annoying in how I expressed those opinions, I have also been very "self contained" as an older sister of mine put it, since babyhood. So I guess being self confident helped me to not feel threatened about letting go of opinions whenever it made sense to do so. When a person does not feel their own inner value, perhaps they hold ideas more tightly as a defensive mechanism. Interesting thought :)

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What great thinkers you all are! I love all your posts!

 

And great points about the confidence, the Lord (of course! :-) and that the energy requirements are too high for many of us to enjoy "drama queening" :). Love the post about the anti-Glee theatre major and Mom's observations.

 

Love to hear from more of you mellowed-by-life or not-a-bit-mellower-no-sir-no-how.

 

Nice to hear too from those 40+ & 50yos.

 

Lisaj, Do you think I could get credit for making "drama queening" a new verb in some hip dictionary? I'm off to google to see if anyone claimed it yet!

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A wise older homeschooler told me years ago (when I had just expressed dismay at having to present to many long-time homeschoolers who probably knew a lot more than me) that there is a need for new excitement and fresh eyes at times.

 

That is true of course. Recently, a wise older homeschooler said to me, "Let some of the young moms who have more energy run things for awhile."

 

I will say that having lots of kids helps calm some of us Type-As too. The constant drama of a houseful of loud, noisy, competitive kids can sometimes send me overboard!

 

Lisaj

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That's funny. My mom still gets worked up over a lot of things. So does MIL.

 

I think it was hardship. I am only 35 but people who have conversations with me guess me as older for the last 8 years.

 

I think that when surviving is a literal concern other things aren't as big of a deal anymore.

 

I think that confidence has a lot to do with it too. My trust in my DH and my God has gotten so much stronger. My trust in myself has gotten stronger.

 

And that means I have come to discover all of my own faults and sure-fire parenting strategies that have failed. I have found poorly educated and bad-mannered hsed kids; public school kids who are amazing; better behaved and/or smarter than my kids. Atheists who are kind and loving. Annoying relatives who "mean well" but say stupid things. (& sometimes I am annoying & say stupid, ridiculous things) Humility is a life-long lesson.

This was well said.

 

I have also realized that certain high and mighty people aren't going to like me anyway so I don't worry about it. At all.

Edited by Lovedtodeath
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Kids, age, and a strong desire to not be my mother. I think it must be very tiring to be so uptight about life and judgmental of others.

 

When I was younger I definitely had my own idealistic view of how things should be, but that was tiring. Also hearing the judgmental comments of my SIL come out of my nephews mouth helped. You really see how ugly it is when you hear it from the mouth of a small child. I wonder if my SIL ever realized what a great little tape recorder her son was. LOL

 

When it comes to parenting I was definitely uptight about my first and the fact that she was such an easy baby and kid had me believing I knew everything there was to parenting. Younger DD was a dream of a baby and a bit more challenging as a toddler, but no biggie. Then DS came along and oh boy did he shatter my ego.

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I'm sure that I've been considered easy-going most of my life but the fact is that I'm just quiet and reserved. I feel just as fiery on the inside as someone who acts out on it.

 

I've run across a few things over the years that have helped me to understand how to handle small upsets or even heavier burdens. First, I LOVE the concept of "Put it in a bubble and blow it away" (Dharma reference from the TV show Dharma and Greg) for small upsets that won't really matter within a week. It's easy to visualize and great for use with upset kids too.

 

For heavier burdens, I like to visualize taking them "off" and hanging them up so that they don't impact my home/family life. They'll still be there later to take up again. This I read years ago in a Reader's Digest about a man who was having a lot of trouble at his job/business. He'd come home after work, stop in the yard, and act out lifting something off his shoulders and hanging it in a tree. In the morning, he'd pick it up again.

 

Pegasus

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I have chilled in so many areas over the last 3 or 4 years. The one area I still struggle with daily is the dh area. He is the only one who makes me crazy. I don't understand it. The things he says and does bring all my Zen crashing and burning around my feet.

 

If anyone can tell me how to fix this I'd be eternally grateful.

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I'm 48, and have always been anxious; the anxiety is more on the inside than on the outside. Being both an ACOA and a GCOA, control was important to me. I was taught there's black and white, and no gray. My mom is still that way. I was also taught the standard in everything is 100%, and anything less is, well, less--not as good, not the goal, not "worthy." I'm Christian, and somehow that teaching still didn't get countered by anything at church or at home (Christian parents).

 

Kids and addictions have shaped me, worn off the edges somewhat--being unable to control for long periods of time at first wore me down and made me give up. Depression came along--it really is anger turned inward, and I'm convinced anger is hurt-related, too.

 

But there's a difference in me now--it's not denial anymore, it's not "oh well, I can't influence it, so I'm just going to set it aside" mentality. I give things to God now. There's a tremendous difference between setting a "situation" aside and walking away, and lifting it up and putting it before the throne of God, knowing it's safe there.

 

I see a difference in people who are in denial and seem easy-going, and people who are powerful in their faith and hope, but have appropriate boundaries and realistic expectations of what they can and cannot control. THe first often seem peaceful, but aren't, and the inner yuck they feel comes out in other ways. The second have true peace, and are able to express concern, help out, and yet not get sucked into drama. I vacilate between one type and another.

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I'm 48, and have always been anxious; the anxiety is more on the inside than on the outside. Being both an ACOA and a GCOA, control was important to me. I was taught there's black and white, and no gray. My mom is still that way. I was also taught the standard in everything is 100%, and anything less is, well, less--not as good, not the goal, not "worthy." I'm Christian, and somehow that teaching still didn't get countered by anything at church or at home (Christian parents).

 

Kids and addictions have shaped me, worn off the edges somewhat--being unable to control for long periods of time at first wore me down and made me give up. Depression came along--it really is anger turned inward, and I'm convinced anger is hurt-related, too.

 

But there's a difference in me now--it's not denial anymore, it's not "oh well, I can't influence it, so I'm just going to set it aside" mentality. I give things to God now. There's a tremendous difference between setting a "situation" aside and walking away, and lifting it up and putting it before the throne of God, knowing it's safe there.

 

I see a difference in people who are in denial and seem easy-going, and people who are powerful in their faith and hope, but have appropriate boundaries and realistic expectations of what they can and cannot control. THe first often seem peaceful, but aren't, and the inner yuck they feel comes out in other ways. The second have true peace, and are able to express concern, help out, and yet not get sucked into drama. I vacilate between one type and another.

Good post. I can really identify with all of that.
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Age 50. Or close enough. No lie. My mother told me it would happen at 50 and dang it, she was right.

 

Yup. I now choose in which battles it is worth expending my waning energies. I used to charge into all of them with my hair on fire and my banner flying high. :D

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I have chilled in so many areas over the last 3 or 4 years. The one area I still struggle with daily is the dh area. He is the only one who makes me crazy. I don't understand it. The things he says and does bring all my Zen crashing and burning around my feet.

 

If anyone can tell me how to fix this I'd be eternally grateful.

 

I feel ya'. My dh has always been high maintenance and I don't have the patience or the energy for it anymore. Sometimes I just ignore him. Sometimes I leave the room (or the house.) Sometimes I drink. ;)

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Good post. I have definitely chilled with age, experience, and children.

 

The comment about "energy requirements" is what helps me most. I barely have enough energy for the important things in life. Sometimes I will start to get riled up about something, and then think "I cannot solve all the problems in the universe." It has become sort of a mantra for me to let things go. I just don't have the energy to worry/judge/deal with things that are not in the immediate framework of my life and priorities.

 

Hubby bought me a magnet, a woman saying..."Sorry darling, I've resigned my job as general manager of the universe!"

 

AMEN! And I am much happier for it.:001_smile:

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I think my calmer, less easily offended life-skill comes from:

Growing up with 9 brothers & sisters growing up.

And 5 children who are with me 24/7 - or so it seems.

And 23 years of marriage to a guy who is imperfect.

And learning to live with imperfect "human" people.

And being very imperfect myself and having very imperfect children ;)

And 49 years.

 

 

I call this the "sand paper effect". You've had all your rough edges worn off. :001_smile:

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And being very imperfect myself and having very imperfect children ;)

 

 

If I vote it's for this one. ;)

 

As soon as you realize you don't have it all figured out and you're less than what you should be, you're definitely more forgiving of others' faults. :)

 

When your focus becomes NOT what "they" should be but what YOU should be, there's a change of heart that stops being so judgmental.

 

When you figure out life doesn't always go according to those best laid plans...

 

When you figure out God puts us in REALLY hard situations to change us through our responses....

 

All of these things change you. Or at least they should, or you should be praying they do.

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When your focus becomes NOT what "they" should be but what YOU should be, there's a change of heart that stops being so judgmental.
You can accept this and still not be laid back because you are worried about something being wrong with you... or what others think of you. That is where confidence comes in. I feel that in my own life, confidence in other people also plays a part. Love "hopes all things and believes all things" I feel that means that we should assume the best of others thoughts and intentions. This helps me quite a bit.
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I am typically very laid back and don't get upset easily. Occasionally I will get drawn into DH's drama as we are opposites in this regard (although usually I try to gently reason with him and get in trouble for "taking everyone else's side).

 

For me, the key is really loving people, even strangers, and this is mainly expressed in two ways.

 

1) React to what someone intended rather than what they said/did. Think about their motivation.

 

2) If there is any doubt at all, assume the best possible intent. There will be plenty of time to get upset later if you are proven wrong. :lol:

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