Is this tacky?

[Lovedtodeath]

I just don't get why the verbal one isn't enough

:iagree:I have always been confused as to when a card is required and when it isn't. What if I make a phone call when the gift is received? What if I am present and say thank you several times while gushing about the gift. Even family members get thank you cards? Which ones? My DH could care less, my SIL has never gotten mad at me, but my brother's wife got ticked when I didn't send her one and didn't talk to me for a year! This was during a time when I had a sick baby and a broken foot. Ugh.

[6packofun]

Tacky!!! The wedding couple should not be able to dictate the kinds of gifts they want, except with a gift registry, IMO. Most of the time, if one says "No gifts necessary" or whatever, to me that means no physical item and I tend to give money anyhow. LOL I know that many people will just not do *anything*, but you don't get to ASK people for money or gift cards and still expect your guests to WANT to bless you at that point!

[Jenny in Florida]

Really? I absolutely meant to request no gifts when we last had a party and will certainly do so if we have another. The party was about our children getting together with a group of their friends for a good time in a way/place they normally wouldn't as a special treat for all . . .

 

Ditto. We usually did the "no gifts, please" thing when our kids were little. They had so much stuff already, and we were picky about the toys they were allowed to have. We tried to be very polite about how we worded it and suggested the guests bring a handmade card, if they felt compelled to bring anything.

 

If a guest showed up with a gift, anyway, we certainly wouldn't have opened it during the party. We would have politely thanked the giver and set it aside for later.

[journeytolily]

I would say it's tacky. Although I have been to engagement parties, no one ever brings gifts, just cards, and even those are not expected. It's really just a dinner (traditionally given by either or both sets of parents) to celebrate with closest family and friends.

[KidsHappen]

I think that the problem is that then entire gift giving practice in America is undergoing a cultural change and we don't have a common mutually understood language.

 

A large percentage of our popuation is trying to simplify their lives and cut back on the amount of stuff in their lives. They are actively trying to cut the clutter. They have received gifts that they had no need for or want of. They have heard stories from older generations of gifts that they received that were not wanted but they felt like they couldn't get rid of. They are trying to be practical in preventing this problem so they send invitations that say "no gifts" when perhaps they mean 'no stuff'. Now most people, seem to think people are just being nice, kind, polite, what-have-you when someone says, "no gift" and they buy one anyhow. This means the gift receiver has accomplished absolutely nothing. On the other hand, some people take the receiver at their word and buy nothing and then feel bad because everyone else bought something.

 

Now, most people know that many will probably buy gifts anyhow, they don't want the stuff problem above but they may have want or need of something else and they know that many small monetary contributions would help them reach their goal without extraneous gifts. They may also be thinking that this saves the gift giver of trying to shop for the perfect gift and that they could contribute a smaller amount than they may have spent on a gift and not have to go through the hassle of also buying wrapping paper and wrapping etc. However, there is no polite way to say, "no stuff but small monetary gifts would be appreciated".

 

I personally would love to find a way around the traditional gift giving arrangement. Unless, you know someone very well and know exactly the perfect gift for them, it frequently happens that the giver spends a lot of time and money looking for the perfect gift and then wrapping it and all and then the receiver still ends up with something that they don't want, need or can't use and they either have to return it or find another home for it. To me it would make much more sense to end all of this non-sense, cut out the stuff part and get the receiver a gift that they could really use. After all, isn't a gift supposed to be something that the receiver would like?

 

Finally, there are some people who really don't want any gifts of any kind and I have found that these people seem to have it the easiest. Many of my children's friends have been skipping b-day parties entirely in favor of a small gathering either at home or somewhere else with no mention of a birthday at all. Just this past week, my youngest was invited to a sleepover. I talked to the other mother a few times, was told of the evenings plans, I asked if my dd needed to bring anything, etc. Never once was it mentioned that it was her dd's b-day. I didn't find out until after the event. This solved the gift problem and her dd still got a special day with her friends.

 

The problem is that now when there is a situation in which it would be traditional to give a gift no one involved knows how to communicate what would be most appreciated and givers don't know what they should do. We need new ways of communicating:

 

No gifts - as in the pleasure of your company is enough, period.

 

No stuff - as in no stuff but a small monetary contribution is welcome (say gift card or what have you).

 

Certain types of gifts appreciated - perhaps in cases where a parent doesn't want more toys in the house but books may be nice or say a pregnant lady has already received certain items but still needs others (you get the idea).

 

Homemade gifts welcome and appreciated.

 

Anything goes.

 

As a gift giver: I hate shopping, I never know what to get, I really want to get the person something that they would appreciate and can use and I don't want to contribute to clutter. I almost always go with a gift card unless I know the person very well and know what they would like. Unfortunately, as I have mentioned, in our culture we currently have no way to communicate these thoughts and there seems to be a bit of disconnect between people who wish to be practical and ones who wish to adhere to traditional etiquitte (sp?). To a certain extent, this seems to also be a split down generational lines although I am of the older generation and yet would prefer a new standard on this subject. But as usual, I am pretty radical and most people probably don't agree with me. :tongue_smilie:

[Mommy22alyns]

Taccckkkkkyyyyyy. I wouldn't play along. Just get them a card.

[Lovedtodeath]

We received an invitation to an engagement party with the note

"No gifts, please. A money tree will be available if you would like to give cash or gift cards."

 

Is this tacky? Or normal? I don't think the couple is registered anywhere, as the wedding is still one year away. Am I obligated to bring cash or gift card, or can I just give them a nice congratulations card for the engagement (I will get them a wedding gift at the appropriate time)?

It didn't sound like you are obligated, but it might just be me.

[3lilreds in NC]

I *think* when we had an engagement party, gifts were not required. I certainly never asked people to bring any and I don't think there were written invitations. It's also entirely possible that I'm remembering bridal showers instead. I don't know. I do know dh's family though and I'm thinking we probably had an engagement shower.

 

Of course, this was so long ago that registering for baby showers was a new, questionably tacky, idea. :lol:

[Mimm]

Ditto. We usually did the "no gifts, please" thing when our kids were little. They had so much stuff already, and we were picky about the toys they were allowed to have. We tried to be very polite about how we worded it and suggested the guests bring a handmade card, if they felt compelled to bring anything.

 

If a guest showed up with a gift, anyway, we certainly wouldn't have opened it during the party. We would have politely thanked the giver and set it aside for later.

 

I think that's what frustrated me the most. I'm perfectly willing to buy a child at a birthday party a gift. However, the invitation said no gifts, so I brought no gifts out of respect for the parents' wishes. And then the fact that I had brought no gift was then highlighted by the gift opening session and my kids felt bad about it.

 

As for the topic at hand, I was always told that it was impolite to mention anything about a gift on the invitations to the wedding or showers or any other wedding related party. If a person wants to buy you a gift, they are supposed to call the mother of the bride or the maid of honor. However, in this day and age, I can't see being too uptight about mentioning where you are registered. In many places, it's simply expected that you'll register and people don't always know the maid of honor or mother of the bride. I invited people to my wedding that I hadn't even met but were my husband's family. I invite people to my wedding that my mother in law assured me wouldn't come but that she wanted invited because she felt it would be rude to exclude them. Later I found out that people look at that type of thing as rude, as if you are hoping they will send you a gift. So really, it's almost impossible not to be rude to someone. :)

 

And personally, I never had a problem with people not following the registry. I didn't return gifts that I didn't register for. I got some really random things, some really cool things that I wouldn't have thought to register for, and then lots of things I had asked for. It was fun. I love presents! :)

[Lovedtodeath]

I invite people to my wedding that my mother in law assured me wouldn't come but that she wanted invited because she felt it would be rude to exclude them. Later I found out that people look at that type of thing as rude, as if you are hoping they will send you a gift. So really, it's almost impossible not to be rude to someone. :)

I know! Right?

[emmn]

I would be very embarrassed if my kid decided to do this!! TACKY!!!!!! Since when do people get gifts and money for getting engaged anyway?

[LizzyBee]

I wouldn't be offended if I received such an invitation. It's worded in a way that the money tree is optional, not obligatory. They probably don't need anything for their home, but they realize that some people will want to give a gift anyway, so offering an optional money tree solves the dilemma.

 

To answer the second part of your question: The couple gets one gift, regardless of whether you bring it to an engagement party, shower, wedding, or have it delivered to their home.

 

ETA: After reading the other responses, I just have to say that I LOVE gift registries. Buying gifts when there's not a registry is totally stressful.

Edited April 19, 2011 by LizzyBee

[Harriet Vane]

Tacky on so many levels. Asking for money is always tacky--and money trees are just about the ultimate in tacky.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I can totally see this and it was such a long, thought out overview of the whole issue that I just had to quote it and post it again. :D

 

I think that the problem is that then entire gift giving practice in America is undergoing a cultural change and we don't have a common mutually understood language.

 

A large percentage of our popuation is trying to simplify their lives and cut back on the amount of stuff in their lives. They are actively trying to cut the clutter. They have received gifts that they had no need for or want of. They have heard stories from older generations of gifts that they received that were not wanted but they felt like they couldn't get rid of. They are trying to be practical in preventing this problem so they send invitations that say "no gifts" when perhaps they mean 'no stuff'. Now most people, seem to think people are just being nice, kind, polite, what-have-you when someone says, "no gift" and they buy one anyhow. This means the gift receiver has accomplished absolutely nothing. On the other hand, some people take the receiver at their word and buy nothing and then feel bad because everyone else bought something.

 

Now, most people know that many will probably buy gifts anyhow, they don't want the stuff problem above but they may have want or need of something else and they know that many small monetary contributions would help them reach their goal without extraneous gifts. They may also be thinking that this saves the gift giver of trying to shop for the perfect gift and that they could contribute a smaller amount than they may have spent on a gift and not have to go through the hassle of also buying wrapping paper and wrapping etc. However, there is no polite way to say, "no stuff but small monetary gifts would be appreciated".

 

I personally would love to find a way around the traditional gift giving arrangement. Unless, you know someone very well and know exactly the perfect gift for them, it frequently happens that the giver spends a lot of time and money looking for the perfect gift and then wrapping it and all and then the receiver still ends up with something that they don't want, need or can't use and they either have to return it or find another home for it. To me it would make much more sense to end all of this non-sense, cut out the stuff part and get the receiver a gift that they could really use. After all, isn't a gift supposed to be something that the receiver would like?

 

Finally, there are some people who really don't want any gifts of any kind and I have found that these people seem to have it the easiest. Many of my children's friends have been skipping b-day parties entirely in favor of a small gathering either at home or somewhere else with no mention of a birthday at all. Just this past week, my youngest was invited to a sleepover. I talked to the other mother a few times, was told of the evenings plans, I asked if my dd needed to bring anything, etc. Never once was it mentioned that it was her dd's b-day. I didn't find out until after the event. This solved the gift problem and her dd still got a special day with her friends.

 

The problem is that now when there is a situation in which it would be traditional to give a gift no one involved knows how to communicate what would be most appreciated and givers don't know what they should do. We need new ways of communicating:

 

No gifts - as in the pleasure of your company is enough, period.

 

No stuff - as in no stuff but a small monetary contribution is welcome (say gift card or what have you).

 

Certain types of gifts appreciated - perhaps in cases where a parent doesn't want more toys in the house but books may be nice or say a pregnant lady has already received certain items but still needs others (you get the idea).

 

Homemade gifts welcome and appreciated.

 

Anything goes.

 

As a gift giver: I hate shopping, I never know what to get, I really want to get the person something that they would appreciate and can use and I don't want to contribute to clutter. I almost always go with a gift card unless I know the person very well and know what they would like. Unfortunately, as I have mentioned, in our culture we currently have no way to communicate these thoughts and there seems to be a bit of disconnect between people who wish to be practical and ones who wish to adhere to traditional etiquitte (sp?). To a certain extent, this seems to also be a split down generational lines although I am of the older generation and yet would prefer a new standard on this subject. But as usual, I am pretty radical and most people probably don't agree with me. :tongue_smilie:

[Gracily]

I confess, I have no idea what a money tree is. I've never heard of it until this thread. I'm wondering if they are half as bad as I'm imagining.

[Harriet Vane]

I confess, I have no idea what a money tree is. I've never heard of it until this thread. I'm wondering if they are half as bad as I'm imagining.

 

I first ran across this concept at dh's cousin's wedding. In their case, they called it a money tree but it was actually a box with a slot on the top. It was placed on a table on the dance floor, and the bride and groom stood next to it along with the parents. All the guests lined up and were made to process past the box and the dancing bride and groom, who thanked us as we filed by. It felt a little like a casino and a lot like extortion. :ack2:

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I first ran across this concept at dh's cousin's wedding. In their case, they called it a money tree but it was actually a box with a slot on the top. It was placed on a table on the dance floor, and the bride and groom stood next to it along with the parents. All the guests lined up and were made to process past the box and the dancing bride and groom, who thanked us as we filed by. It felt a little like a casino and a lot like extortion. :ack2:

 

:001_huh: Now that is just .. something else. I think I would have slipped out. :lol:

[J-rap]

Tacky. Both the contradiction between "no gifts" and "give money," but also, even if it were just "give money instead of gifts." Some people really can't afford to give much at all, and it's more embarrassing to give a check for $5.00 instead of a special book (that costs $5.00), for example.

That being said, I know in Canada they have some tradition where a big party is thrown for the engaged couple and people only bring money, to help them get started on their new life together. I think that's strange too, and my son and daughter-in-law (who is Canadian) chose not to do that. I can't remember what the party is called. It has some funny name.

[ScoutTN]

Very tacky.

[Denise in Florida]

Not tacky for a wedding reception invitation but I've never heard of giving gifts at an engagement party. hmmm

 

Money trees or Money dances are fairly traditional where I grew up. I would appreciate the notice that they were having one so that I could be prepared.

 

I, as an invitee, would expect to bring a gift to a wedding (don't know about engagement party). The no gifts part is reasonable enough and I the money tree mention is non-offensive. The guests can do it or not at their option.

 

The wording is less tacky than 'no gifts, money appreciated'.

 

I wouldn't be bugged by it.

[Gracily]

I first ran across this concept at dh's cousin's wedding. In their case, they called it a money tree but it was actually a box with a slot on the top. It was placed on a table on the dance floor, and the bride and groom stood next to it along with the parents. All the guests lined up and were made to process past the box and the dancing bride and groom, who thanked us as we filed by. It felt a little like a casino and a lot like extortion. :ack2:

 

:001_huh: Sounds very awkward for everyone.

[Ginevra]

I know! Right?

 

This happened to me. Two different people threw me a bridal shower and some of the invitees were overlaps. One was a SIL, who is always known for her bitterness. :tongue_smilie: I couldn't have cared less whether she even came to either shower, let alone I did not want or expect double gifts! But she complained about it to me anyway, citing my apparent desire to have double gifts! :rolleyes::eek: This is the furthest thing from me! Also I did not plan my showers!

 

This is fair practice. But if that's what registries are, just suggestions, I wish someone had told me so before I went to the trouble. If what was wanted was a suggestion, I could have made that easy for us both. :D

 

Oh, to me, registries are definitely suggestions, not requirements for purchases. Personally, I love it when someone is registered, especially if I don't know them well. I have NO CLUE what they want or need, and cash is not always a great solution. Less than maybe $50 or so can seem chintzy, I think, but you can get a pepper mill or stone coasters or what-not for $25.

 

:iagree:I have always been confused as to when a card is required and when it isn't. What if I make a phone call when the gift is received? What if I am present and say thank you several times while gushing about the gift. Even family members get thank you cards? Which ones? My DH could care less, my SIL has never gotten mad at me, but my brother's wife got ticked when I didn't send her one and didn't talk to me for a year! This was during a time when I had a sick baby and a broken foot. Ugh.

 

I read in an etiquette book that you are supposed to write a thank-you note for all gifts except very casual ones and probably not so much from your closest intimates. I don't write thank-you notes to dh, my kids, my mom or my MIL. But I write them for all other gifts or gifts to my children. I look at it this way: err on the side of being more polite than necessary, right?

[MrsMe]

Tacky.

[Laura Corin]

When did you start getting gifts/money for getting engaged??? I missed something somewhere. . . . :001_huh:

 

I missed this in the OP because I'd never heard of giving gifts for an engagement party.

 

Laura

[Ellie]

Tacky. In extreme.

 

It's tacky to include "no gifts" on the invitation. It's tackier to specify that there will be a money tree, unless you live in a culture where this is common. Since you've never heard of it, I would say that you do not. So, yes, tacky.

 

That you received an invitation to a party does not mean you are obligated, in any way, to do anything, other than to RSVP whether you'll be attending or not. Personally, *I* would probably not attend, because then I would feel obligated to put money on the tree, which is tacky, so my RSVP would be that I would not be attending. The end.

Edited April 25, 2011 by Ellie

[Delighted3]

My son just got married to a very sweet girl. Her family is experiencing some hard times, so she is living with us and I have been helping her plan the wedding. We did not include registry info in the invitation, because I think it is tacky. We did ask for an RSVP to the wedding and several people asked us at that time if dil was registered somewhere. I have to say that very few people actually used the registry and that was fine. Dil didn't even really want to register, but a lot of people pressured her about it. They just got married on Saturday and in retrospect, I have decided to give any future brides I encounter a lot grace. The details of planning a wedding are mind boggling. :001_smile:

Joy