Garga Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 My ds6 has started throwing temper tantrums. Long story. I think it's a growing sibling rivalry thing. Normally, if a kid throws a tantrum, you can put them in a quiet place and let them calm down (either call it a time out, or just a quieting down--whatever.) And when he's in the throes of a tantrum, he seems to get angrier and angrier the more he's around us and it seems that he'd feel better if he could get away from us. PROBLEM:::: He's scared to be alone. For over a year now, he's been scared to walk to the bathroom alone, scared to go in the kitchen to get his drink alone, scared to go in the playroom to get a toy alone. My house is small (barely 1600 sqft) and sunny. SOoooo.. What do I do? The kid throws a fit and gets more and more violent the longer he's in the room with us...but if I put him in another room (which I have to do physically, because once he's in a tantrum, he's kicking and scratching, etc. It's a real full-blown tantrum), he's even WORSE, because now he's angry AND desperately afraid. Any ideas on how to give this kid some room to be alone and calm down??!? Do I make a fort out of couch cushions (or something) in the corner of the room and put him in the fort when he's upset? (And yes...in the meanwhile, we're working on the triggers and causes of his tantrum and trying different techniques to help with the anger and tantrums--some involve taking away things, some involve quiet snuggles and conversations. I'm just wondering if anyone has had this issue before---a kid needs SPACE, but is afraid to be alone in the space.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Can you make a time out chair in the corner of the room? And have him actually face the corner with no turning around? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Is it a 2 story house? When mine were young time-out was on the stairs. They could still see everything going on so he wouldn't be alone. If not, then I agree with the chair in the corner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mykdsmomy Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 This has always been an ongoing problem with us because of my son's inability to self regulate. He tantrums frequently and I use a lot of deescalation tactics or it turns into a full blown rage :( Finding his triggers (like you said) is huge....also has there been any major life changes (move/new family member/new pet/death/illness)? Can you talk to him when he's calm and go over appropriate ways to deal with anger (ie: deep breathing, counting to 10, going to a "safe" place (like a corner with cushions, a few squeeze balls, comfort items). Make a chart with emotions and ask him to point to the picture that shows how he feels. Praise praise praise him when he shows the TINIEST bit of self control. Give him an incentive chart where he can work towards earning something fun when he shows appropriate behavior? None of these things have yet worked for my ds...but it's a very loooooonnngggg process. Good luck!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted April 8, 2011 Author Share Posted April 8, 2011 DH just pointed out to me that we have a little closet in our playroom where we do school. We rarely go into the closet--it just stores off season clothes--and I'd forgotten all about it. I'm going to see if he wouldn't be afraid to go in there when he needs to get away to calm down. We could put a soft comforter or chair in it for him. We have a clip on light he could turn on. My dh said we could even put up a sheer curtain if he's afraid of the solid door being closed. If he's too afraid of the closet, maybe the chair facing the corner will work. Our steps won't work because they're enclosed, they don't overlook anything. And he's afraid to go upstairs alone, so sitting on the staircase would be just as scary as being upstairs in his room alone. At this point, I'm not out to punish him when he's out of control. He needs a place to get away and calm down without the rest of us having to watch him throw his fit. Thanks for the responses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 A little fold out tent, used only for this purpose? We have a small solid colored one of these. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_l_e_0..Q_c Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I have no clue why but I keep thinking about a cardboard box? One of those big ones? As a child I loved to go into those! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted April 8, 2011 Author Share Posted April 8, 2011 This has always been an ongoing problem with us because of my son's inability to self regulate. He tantrums frequently and I use a lot of deescalation tactics or it turns into a full blown rage :( Finding his triggers (like you said) is huge....also has there been any major life changes (move/new family member/new pet/death/illness)? Can you talk to him when he's calm and go over appropriate ways to deal with anger (ie: deep breathing, counting to 10, going to a "safe" place (like a corner with cushions, a few squeeze balls, comfort items). Make a chart with emotions and ask him to point to the picture that shows how he feels. Praise praise praise him when he shows the TINIEST bit of self control. Give him an incentive chart where he can work towards earning something fun when he shows appropriate behavior? None of these things have yet worked for my ds...but it's a very loooooonnngggg process. Good luck!!!! Thank you for understanding!!! This little guy is usually very sweet. But once he throws the fit, it's like everything that has ever bothered him comes right to the surface and he loses control. I just realized yesterday that it's probably sibling rivalry. DH finally got him to talk, after over an hour of trying, and it seems to be that the little one is feeling serious jealousy over the older one. I can see where some of it might be our fault, but some of it is just what happens when the older child is more mature than the younger. The younger feels left out. This is all new. Until just a few weeks ago, these 2 boys were best buddies. But it's suddenly changed. I think the youngest has matured a little and suddenly wants more say in his life, and we haven't realized it (until these fits have started.) He's no longer content to go along with his big brother. He wants to make decisions on his own and have big brother go along with HIM. Sigh. I don't think this will go away overnight and my dh and I are coming up with all sorts of ideas to help deal with this (changing our behavior as well as his), but in the meanwhile, he NEEDS a place to decompress when he's in the middle of a fury. Thank you, again, for understanding and for the encouragement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted April 8, 2011 Author Share Posted April 8, 2011 A little fold out tent, used only for this purpose? We have a small solid colored one of these. I have no clue why but I keep thinking about a cardboard box? One of those big ones? As a child I loved to go into those! Thank you! Excellent ideas! He might be afraid of the closet, but I bet one of these would work. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleGreen Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 Is it a 2 story house? When mine were young time-out was on the stairs. They could still see everything going on so he wouldn't be alone. If not, then I agree with the chair in the corner. Yup, my little sit on the stairs. Growing up when the cousins got together and had to be separated, we had to sit on chairs scattered throughout the house (you know, so we couldn't then feed off each other when we were supposed to be in trouble). When I need to have someone close to me, I have them sit on a floor in the kitchen in a very boring place. I have had a child or two who needed me to physically keep them on the stairs until they got the hang of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I found the best way to deal with anxiety is to empower the child with tools to deal with it. If he's afraid to be alone, start leaving a baby monitor or cell phone in one room and let him become accustomed to the fact that he can reach you if he's alarmed. Show him how to reach you and be sure and answer to build up some confidence. Start in one room, daytime hours, non-disciplinary situation and then if you have success move on from there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted April 8, 2011 Share Posted April 8, 2011 I have a 6 year old son who is the same way. And, my kids have lots of tantrums, lol. I sometimes use a time out as a time in. We BOTH go to his room for a while. Sometimes I am in the hallway or in my own room. Sometimes I have earned my own 'time out' after a day of tantrums. ;) He is old enough that if I say "to your room' he will go himself but often stops halfway on the stairs. Right around then I when I get, "I'm sooorrryyy, I will stoooop" I allow it because I know he really is doing the best he can. If I make him go up alone, then it stops being about 'take some time and control yourself" and all about being upstairs alone. Ack, gotta go read a book to a kid! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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