Re-writing from an outline, DS10 - critique welcomed or just a good job

[Capt_Uhura]

We are working on re-writing from outlines. We have worked through the two Remedia Outlining books and most of Paragraph Writing Made Easy. We also completed SWB's WWS beta test. This is modeled upon that. We watched a documentary Unearthing Ancient Secrets: The Sphinx Unmasked. I took 6 pages of note, in a quasi-outline form. I let DS choose which portion he wanted to re-write.

 

Here is my quasi outline:

III. The Dream Stone (a stela)

A. Later addition 1000yrs after the Sphinx built

B. Story of a young prince Thutmose hunting on the Giza plateau

C. Sphinx buried to it’s neck

D. Prince Thutmose had a dream - clear sand and become King

E. Written after Thutmose IV gained power to link his name with the Great Sphinx (propaganda)

F. Inscription says that Pharaoh Khafre built the Sphinx in his own image

 

Here is DS's rewrite.

 

 

*****The Sphinx, the largest single stone statue in the world, sits on the Gisa plateau in Cairo, Egypt. The Sphinx has a stone slab or stela, The Dream Stone, in between it’s paws. The Dream Stone was a later addition to the Sphinx, more than a thousand years after it was first constructed. Inscribed on the stone is a story of young prince Thutmose. Thutmose was hunting on the Gisa plateau when he saw the Sphinx. He slept under it for shade from the scorching sun. During his sleep he had a dream in which the sphinx spoke to him and said, “If you dig this sand away from my neck you will be pharaoh.” When they excavated the sand, they discovered the body of the Sphinx. Later, Thutmose did become pharaoh. Egyptologists think the stone was carved after Thutmose gained power in order to link his name with the Sphinx.

 

I asked questions when I saw gaps in his writing. I had him read it out loud so that he could hear run-on sentences which he then corrected. I can't turn off spell check so that shows him where he misspelled words but there weren't many.

 

I wasn't sure about the quotes b/c I doubt that is a direct quote from the show.

 

DS10 commented that this was more difficult than the easy outlines provided in Paragraph Writing Made Easy, just as the outlines were easy in Outlining and NOtetaking and PWME compared to outlining authentic texts such as Human Odyssey.

Edited April 1, 2011 by Capt_Uhura

[Catherine]

I think he conveys the facts of the outline very well and I understood exactly what he was saying. There are some minor errors in punctuation and the like but for his age I think it is good.

[Capt_Uhura]

Thanks Catherine! I'm going to re-write from my outline as well and see how the shoe fits lol. Then I'll see if he has any suggestions for changes.

[Create Your Ritual]

I think it was a very good job. He took a big leap moving from examples in a workbook of how to do rewrites, to then being able to do it from a documentary. I think you are teaching him a valuable lesson in being able to take notes that are useful when sitting in front of a professor's lecture in the future. You gave him a real life application to work from, and that is a great idea. Nothing in his rewrite seemed redundant, and it didn't sound contrived in any way. He used vocabulary that seems appropriate for a 10 year old .. KWIM? Anyway.. all that said, I think you are doing a great job! I wish I could figure out this writing thing for my dc. I 'think' I am on the right path though and having ideas and examples from the writing workshop certainly help.

[Jen+4dc]

I think it was a very good job. He took a big leap moving from examples in a workbook of how to do rewrites, to then being able to do it from a documentary. I think you are teaching him a valuable lesson in being able to take notes that are useful when sitting in front of a professor's lecture in the future. You gave him a real life application to work from, and that is a great idea. Nothing in his rewrite seemed redundant, and it didn't sound contrived in any way. He used vocabulary that seems appropriate for a 10 year old .. KWIM? Anyway.. all that said, I think you are doing a great job! I wish I could figure out this writing thing for my dc. I 'think' I am on the right path though and having ideas and examples from the writing workshop certainly help.

:iagree: emphasis mine

Great job!

[Create Your Ritual]

Capt. Uhura,

 

One question.. I remember you were trying to gather sample reports, essays, etc. for use in teaching. I ran across Tapestry of Grace Writing Aids today here -

 

http://www.tapestryofgrace.com/company/writingaids/index.php

 

they seem to have a lot of examples and when I read more about it they also help teach about grading, etc. Have you ever looked into this? I would love your opinion if you have.

[Capt_Uhura]

No I haven't look into it. My friend uses it so I will ask her. Thanks!

 

Sadonna - I will get to your PM. It's been a busy day. And I cut my finger so it's hard to type.

[Create Your Ritual]

No worries... another day perhaps when your finger is healing. ;-) I don't know anything about the book/CD, but I liked all the writing samples they had at the link. Get well!