lincap Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 DS is 5 yrs old and has always been strong-willed. And actually I see this as a good trait if he can learn to recognize authority and respect it. He is starting to do the "NO! I WILL NOT!" or "NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME". It is also turning into those phrases plus jumping screaming tantrums. I usually give 3 choices or warnings, then remove him from whereever we are. If we are home I send him to his room for 5 min. But now he won't go to his room and I am physically carrying him to his room while he flails and screams. He screams and cries also. He will beg "GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He used to listen relatively well, if I asked him to clean up or do something and now I am getting hit with this screaming and the above phrases. I give very clear warnings. I ask him to repeat. He hears me and he understands, he just doesn't want to do whatever it is. The WORST recent example I can give is at our homeschool group it was Art Time and he started whining that he could not draw a tree good enough. I asked if he needed help but he just starting crying. My 1 yr old and 3 yr old needed me so another mom offered her help. He just flailed in his seat, flinging his marker around crying saying "NO ONE WILL HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I gave him 3 choices: Skip the tree drawing and go to the other pages, ask nice for help or we leave. He said he wanted help, but continued the screaming crying flailing. I told him he had 3 warnings and needed to calm down. After the 3rd warning with him still screaming (and TOTALLY disturbing the other kids by now), I asked him to go into the front room and he said NOOOOOOOOO You can make me!!! So I picked him up and dragged him out. While in the front room he said "if you give me chocolate chips I will stop". UGH!! WHAT?!?!!? I said "No. You need to calm down. If you do not calm down we are leaving." He continued to scream and yell so I got my coat and other kids and left. He screamed all the way to the car "YOu can't make me get in. I will not get in" I told him I was going to count to 5 and if he was not in the car by 5 I would pick him up and put him in. Any good books for disciplining a strong willed child? Or know of any good techniques that might work in these situations. They are not often... maybe once every few months he will have a few. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jec3113 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 Dr. Kevin Lehman. "Have a New Kid by Friday" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 No real advice, just :grouphug: and encouragement that it seems like you are handling it beautifully. Just keep calm when he is like that, as hard as that is sometimes. I will recommend a book called, The Heart of Anger that has just been a real blessing to me in my own struggles dealing with LOTS of strong-willed children. :D It is Christian, so if you are not of that faith, it might not be a good fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 DS is 5 yrs old and has always been strong-willed. And actually I see this as a good trait if he can learn to recognize authority and respect it. He is starting to do the "NO! I WILL NOT!" or "NO! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME". It is also turning into those phrases plus jumping screaming tantrums. I usually give 3 choices or warnings, then remove him from whereever we are. If we are home I send him to his room for 5 min. But now he won't go to his room and I am physically carrying him to his room while he flails and screams. He screams and cries also. He will beg "GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He used to listen relatively well, if I asked him to clean up or do something and now I am getting hit with this screaming and the above phrases. I give very clear warnings. I ask him to repeat. He hears me and he understands, he just doesn't want to do whatever it is. The WORST recent example I can give is at our homeschool group it was Art Time and he started whining that he could not draw a tree good enough. I asked if he needed help but he just starting crying. My 1 yr old and 3 yr old needed me so another mom offered her help. He just flailed in his seat, flinging his marker around crying saying "NO ONE WILL HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I gave him 3 choices: Skip the tree drawing and go to the other pages, ask nice for help or we leave. He said he wanted help, but continued the screaming crying flailing. I told him he had 3 warnings and needed to calm down. After the 3rd warning with him still screaming (and TOTALLY disturbing the other kids by now), I asked him to go into the front room and he said NOOOOOOOOO You can make me!!! So I picked him up and dragged him out. While in the front room he said "if you give me chocolate chips I will stop". UGH!! WHAT?!?!!? I said "No. You need to calm down. If you do not calm down we are leaving." He continued to scream and yell so I got my coat and other kids and left. He screamed all the way to the car "YOu can't make me get in. I will not get in" I told him I was going to count to 5 and if he was not in the car by 5 I would pick him up and put him in. Any good books for disciplining a strong willed child? Or know of any good techniques that might work in these situations. They are not often... maybe once every few months he will have a few. Thanks This isn't a book recommendation. But I don't think you are acting decisively quickly enough. A tantruming 5 year old doesn't get choices. I'd scoop him up and leave immediately. I'd put him in the car. I'd stop giving chances. He sees the chances are "room for negotiation". ETA: The chances are making him feel insecure. If you act more in charge, he'll feel and act more secure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lincap Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 This isn't a book recommendation. But I don't think you are acting decisively quickly enough. A tantruming 5 year old doesn't get choices. I'd scoop him up and leave immediately. I'd put him in the car. I'd stop giving chances. He sees the chances are "room for negotiation". Interesting perspective... never thought of the choices or chances as room for negotiation. Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo2 Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 A psychologist recommended this book to us (but I haven't actually gotten it yet due to finances): Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Governess Posted March 30, 2011 Share Posted March 30, 2011 A psychologist recommended this book to us (but I haven't actually gotten it yet due to finances): Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child. I haven't posted on these boards for a long time (although I lurk here every day) but had to log in when I read your post. :D Oh, can I relate! I have a strong-willed child as well. The book recommended above is, I believe, the best parenting book for a child like this. I agree that too many choices and warnings leave room for negotiating. With a strong willed child, you have to be very exact with both your expectations and what the consequence will be. You have to avoid taking the bait and letting them turn things into a debate. You have to follow through immediately. For example, your child is watching TV and you ask them to turn it off and they ignore you. You immediately say "if you don't turn off the TV right now you will not be able to watch it tomorrow." There is no way for them to wiggle out of that. :D No warnings, and very clear information about what you are asking them to do and what will happen if they choose to not listen. This is the approach used in the book mentioned above. You did a good job by following through with the consequence, which IMO is the hardest thing to do! Following the formula "please do X or we will have to X" or "if you don't do X then you may not X" and cutting out the warnings/multiple choices out really helped me with my DD. Also I find myself saying "this isn't up for debate" and "I will not argue about this with you" quite a bit. Good luck, you are going to need it. Ask me how I know. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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