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My mom's conversations bug and embarrass me (vent/complaint)


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My mom is a nice person, a good lady in a lot of ways. She would give her last dollar to help someone out; she's very good-hearted. BUT! The things she talks about bug me and embarrass me almost constantly!

I had a book party on Saturday. My mom is a super-extravert, so she did a lot of the interjecting and commentary and story-telling throughout the demonstration. Just about everything she said falls into one of these categories:

1) BRAGGING: constant stories about the achievements/talents of her kids and grandkids;

2) DEMEANING: Usually "straw-men," not actual people, but such as, "I can't believe the number of people I meet who don't know cranberries grow in a bog!"

3) GUSHING: Telling too much about everything, usually linked to the bragging. I'm just not interested in my friends hearing details about what I did in high school. She has photos of the dresses I "designed" for my proms, and which my mom sewed! I mean she has the photos, in her purse, to pass around!

4) ADVISING: Just let the demonstrator demonstrate! Nobody wants my mom's 2 cents on how to raise a reader.

 

The funny part is: I have a SIL who does all of those things that my mom does and it is widely known how annoying everybody finds her. I can just picture friends talking to their husbands later that night, "Man, Mrs. F is a nice, friendly lady, but seriously - why do we care about the award her son won in first grade in 1987?" :tongue_smilie:

 

I just felt like I was running interference all night to try and diffuse my mom's annoying jabbering. :glare:

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I imagine if you apologized to your friends for what your mom said they would understand because they probably have moms like that also. Your mom sounds very much like mine. I usually just look embarrassed when she is pulling out photos at the supermarket and assume most people understand.

 

We all have our things that annoy people so I'm trying to be more understanding of my mom. She is also the type that will do anything for you. I think that quality far outweighs the annoying habits.

 

Kelly

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I imagine if you apologized to your friends for what your mom said they would understand
Yeah, I'm thinking of doing that. I did counter the things my mom said a couple of times, but still, I was mostly thinking, "Please STOP talking!" :tongue_smilie:
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We all have our things that annoy people so I'm trying to be more understanding of my mom. She is also the type that will do anything for you. I think that quality far outweighs the annoying habits.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Imagine yourself at her age, and then imagine how you would like your grown child to interact with you. Then do that. ;)

 

(I know it can be difficult, but this is what we must do. :grouphug:)

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I know what you mean. I have some relatives like that. :glare:

 

Usually people are pretty understanding with things like that. They probably think, Oh that's just Quill's mom...you know how moms are". I'm sure I'd apologize and/or joke about it with my friends later on. Moms (and especially MILs) give us lots to talk about. :rolleyes:

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I know these things seem annoying to you..... I really get it!, but .... my sister and I were talking about this kind of thing last night and as our Mom slowly descends into the land of dementia and her heart laboriously wheezes out another day ......... we are so grateful for her idiosynchrasies. My Mom is 82 and has raised 8 kids......... and she slips away every day. ...and as each day ticks away we are learning what really matters......... and how unimportant those things are that used to bug us about her.

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We're all sisters here! My mother just came to help out for a couple of days so I can get my root canal finished and go to two other appointments, and maybe (she doesn't know this yet) take over for me overnight tomorrow so I can go to NYC to say bye to DH who is about to hit to road again. Who does that? Comes and makes dinner and takes care of the kids, and chases them around laughing and listens to them so intently as they tell their stories? And cleans the house so it is really nice when you come home? Your mom, that's who. We are lucky....

 

 

And yet, she came in with arm loads of groceries (I just went to the market but she always comes in with groceries because she misses shopping for a family) including no small amount of junk food. And she get everything to the back door before coming in. So instead of having my boys carry things in as they should for their mom an grandmother, she did the heavy lifting. Because I make my kids do too much and it's drizzling, she thought I'm sure. See....isn't that annoying?

 

My mother brags, and tells very personal stories to everyone and never asks anyone about themselves. To be fair she is an extremely entertaining woman, so people really do like to listen to her. She's just forgotten the other side of the social conversation. And she reveals everything. No editor.

 

Everyone loves her. I really, really love her. But she makes me crazy...crazy, I tell you. Then she makes me feel guilty because she makes me crazy. Which depresses me.

 

Did I tell you she is always late? And hugs people all the time.

 

I think mainly she makes me feel like I'm 13. Mortified and scared of what she is going to say next.

 

A better woman I do not know.

 

We should trade mothers for a week. I bet you'd love mine and I'd love yours. We are lucky to have them. Now excuse me while i try to wrest the Oreos from the baby...

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Being annoyed/embarrassed by the behavior of our parents is completely normal for humans. Yes, all of our parents are going to die someday- that does not erase the embarrassment today or any pain we feel because of their actions/words. It's perfectly fine to vent here about being annoyed by one's mother/father and I think the guilt trip from other posters is totally unnecessary- we get enough guilt from our mom's LOL.

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Being annoyed/embarrassed by the behavior of our parents is completely normal for humans. Yes, all of our parents are going to die someday- that does not erase the embarrassment today or any pain we feel because of their actions/words. It's perfectly fine to vent here about being annoyed by one's mother/father and I think the guilt trip from other posters is totally unnecessary- we get enough guilt from our mom's LOL.

:iagree: I agree with you secular mom. I think it goes without saying that we already know that each and everyone IS going to die someday. But we still need to ask ourselves at times how to get along with those that we have around us, without it being turned into a guilt trip.

 

To the op, I know you love your Mom, and I'm sorry it is nerve wracking to have her around at times.

Try to remind yourself that she is just different from you and your friends but she loves you dearly.

Maybe drink some nerve soothing tea when she is around. :lol:

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Someday, you're gonna be sitting with your friends and thinking "I wish my mom was still here with us...." (as sad a thought as it is...)

 

besides .. how many times did YOU embarass HER when you were a kid? I know I gave my folks plenty of red faces & grey hairs. ;)

 

Yeah, I have to go with this too. I think you should celebrate your mom's unique quirks and be happy she's there to enhance your life.

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Every word out of my MIL's mouth is embarassing and most of them make so sense. My son's getting married in June and has begged us not to invite her. We have to, of course, but my DH will be sitting with her at all times and in charge of keeping her mouth shut. It won't be easy. :o

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Someday, you're gonna be sitting with your friends and thinking "I wish my mom was still here with us...." (as sad a thought as it is...)

 

This is probably true for most people and it is a good persepctive to have in general. But I won't be taking this guilt trip. It simply isn't true for me or my DH, sad to say.

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Someday, you're gonna be sitting with your friends and thinking "I wish my mom was still here with us...." (as sad a thought as it is...)

 

besides .. how many times did YOU embarass HER when you were a kid? I know I gave my folks plenty of red faces & grey hairs. ;)

 

This is probably true for most people and it is a good persepctive to have in general. But I won't be taking this guilt trip. It simply isn't true for me or my DH, sad to say.

 

Sigh.

 

I figured there'd be people that interpreted it that way.

 

I didn't post it as a "guilt trip" - I posted it as a truth that might help someone to be a bit more tolerant of the quirks/annoyances/whatever that come from their (likely getting on in years) parents.

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I have a friend like this. She is generous, generous, generous, BUT it is hard to be around her for any length of time.

 

I don't know what to tell you other than to try to look past the embarassement to the good.

 

And yah, talk to your friends and feel them out for how they took things that evening. You might be surprised that it didn't annoy them as much as it did you.

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Every example you listed is an example of rudeness.

 

As the hostess, you should have curbed her behavior as politely as possible.

 

You might have asked to speak with her in private and said, "Mom, I need you to tone it down. Please stop bragging about x, y, z, and please stop insulting people who aren't as smart as you. You never know which of my guests don't know what a bog is, and I can't allow you to treat people this way in my home."

 

She would be hurt because she probably has no idea her behavior is out of line. Her reaction would indicate whether she needs to be invited to future parties.

 

Going forward, if she continues to behave this way, it is YOU being a bad hostess and impolite to your guests by humoring her bad manners.

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Every word out of my MIL's mouth is embarassing and most of them make so sense. My son's getting married in June and has begged us not to invite her. We have to, of course, but my DH will be sitting with her at all times and in charge of keeping her mouth shut. It won't be easy. :o

 

Just a question. In your next comment, you say you won't be taking the guilt trip.

 

What method are you employing to force your son into inviting MIL to the wedding? Perhaps guilt? I would hope he and his future wife are in charge of the guest list, and not anyone else.

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Just a question. In your next comment, you say you won't be taking the guilt trip.

 

What method are you employing to force your son into inviting MIL to the wedding? Perhaps guilt? I would hope he and his future wife are in charge of the guest list, and not anyone else.

 

I don't think that is guilting any one at all - informing a son that he needs to invite his Grandmother to his (presumably family-filled) wedding is just good guidance.

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:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have a mother like that. And, you were in prime target for bragging, so I'm sure it was fierce.

 

and, I do the same thing, going behind her and either smoothing over or explaining away.

 

Once she 'teased' a family member horribly about her weight, then teased her that the family member went and got liposuction. I wanted to smack the ever loving *bleep* out of her.

Edited by justamouse
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I don't think that is guilting any one at all - informing a son that he needs to invite his Grandmother to his (presumably family-filled) wedding is just good guidance.

 

If one needs to "inform" your adult children of what they "need" to do, then perhaps there was some guidance missing in the formative years--either by the parent or by the person who thinks it is their right to receive an invitation.

 

If a grandparent or any other individual earned the respect and love so many think they automatically deserve, then no one would have to guide the child into inviting them.

 

ETA: Sorry, OP! Total hijack. I won't further discuss anything non-related to your OP. Apologies.

Edited by arghmatey
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I don't think that is guilting any one at all - informing a son that he needs to invite his Grandmother to his (presumably family-filled) wedding is just good guidance.

 

Thank you. How would you go about inviting grandpa but not grandma? How would you go about inviting all her brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and not her? Some things just can't be done. This is one of them. It would be cruel. Son (and fiance) agrees. He's just not happy about it. He wishes there was a way. There isn't.

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Thank you. How would you go about inviting grandpa but not grandma? How would you go about inviting all her brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and not her? Some things just can't be done. This is one of them. It would be cruel. Son (and fiance) agrees. He's just not happy about it. He wishes there was a way. There isn't.

 

A lot of people subscribe to the idea that only the feelings of the bride and groom count.

 

Families have always been plagued with some number of embarrassing people. They are human, we are not all the same. Elizabeth Bennett managed to live with her mom, I'm sure the rest of us can do the same.

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I don't get embarassed.

 

I wouldn't care if my mother showed up to my dd's wedding in a tutu and flip flops. (my sisters would DIE though)

 

I cannot relate to this.

 

It is NOT OK not to invite your grandmother to your wedding. It would never occur to me to do so just because they were embarassing. That seems silly to me but again, I am missing that "they are so embarrasing!" filter so a lot of things don't occur to me that probably should. *bag on head*

Edited by Sis
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A lot of people subscribe to the idea that only the feelings of the bride and groom count.

 

Families have always been plagued with some number of embarrassing people. They are human, we are not all the same. Elizabeth Bennett managed to live with her mom, I'm sure the rest of us can do the same.

:iagree: My mom sounds like the OP's. Sometimes you just have to take it as it is. Of course, I have no adult children yet, who knows they could be posting here years from now with the same complaints :lol: In the mean time, I'm glad that my parents don't have a problem reminding me about familial obligations.

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If one needs to "inform" your adult children of what they "need" to do, then perhaps there was some guidance missing in the formative years--either by the parent or by the person who thinks it is their right to receive an invitation.

 

If a grandparent or any other individual earned the respect and love so many think they automatically deserve, then no one would have to guide the child into inviting them.

 

ETA: Sorry, OP! Total hijack. I won't further discuss anything non-related to your OP. Apologies.

If one's children have yet to reach elementary age, then perhaps one should withold judgement upon those parents whom have raised their children to marrying age ;)

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Everyone, and I mean everyone, has relatives that do this stuff. I'll bet most of your friends simply empathize with you :)

If those are your mom's worst faults, you are a lucky lady indeed. I'm not saying they aren't annoying, but most people you'll run into will just laugh about it with you and not take it seriously......

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have you ever told your mother how it embarrasses you when she speaks in the manner she does?

 

OR, have you ever said, "Mom, PLEASE! That was so long ago!" or something like that? (not in a mean or rude way)

 

Sorry I disappeared for a couple of days. I didn't mean to abandon my thread; I just had no time to come here.

 

What I mostly do is down-play or counter things she says a lot, although I don't do that if I or my kids are not the subject. So, while she's telling everyone about my brother's remarkable book-reading award in first grade, I said nothing. Nothing at all. I sat there, feeling mortified. But when my daughter walked in the room and my mother said, "See? I told you she is an exact clone of Danielle!" I said, "No, not really; she's a better athlete than I ever was." (Maybe a reader cannot see what is wrong with this comment from my mom, but it's just that she says that constantly and I think it takes away DD's uniqueness. Indeed she and I have many similarities, but she isn't a clone of me!)

 

I didn't comment when she said the "cranberries grow in a bog" remark, but there have been other times when she has done similar things, that I have "reminded" her that no one knows everything (except Ken Jennings) and there are tons of categories about which I know nothing at all. (Don't start asking me sports trivia; you'll fall over when I can't tell you a thing about Jo Dimaggio, if that's even how you spell his name.)

 

Also, I did want to offer :grouphug: to those of you who have lost your moms. I totally get it and I don't feel that it's foisting a guilt trip on me. My mother's health is quite bad. She has Parkinson's and it is a constant footnote that she's not going to be here forever and one day I will wish she could be here bugging me at my party. I have lost a sister already and she bugged me a lot, too; I do know emphatically how irritating quirks can seem like charming features later on. My sis always bought all kinds of weird gifts for my kids. I complained about it a lot before, but now I see the cartoon-print band-aids in the cabinet and chuckle at her bad taste. If it was really so irritating, I would have thrown those band-aides away years ago, but I've kept them around as a symbol. By no means was I implying that my mom is so annoying I'd rather her not be around. We all have our days when our patience wears thin with our goofy relatives and this day was one of mine.

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This is why we don't mix friends and family. EDTA: we actually don't have any parties with friends anymore, too busy with the kids, so maybe the "don't mix friends and family" isn't accurate.

 

One the BIL and SIL are all about money and insulting everyone else around them to build themselves up. Then later complaining about how all our friends are unfriendly toward them :001_huh:. They even told our friends that " We have no idea how they'll possibly put all 'those' kids through college. Our kids are going to University we have savings."

 

MIL and FIL do as you mom, and really, some of it is insulting content, embellished to get more reaction from everyone. They are fantastic people, we camp with them all summer, but there are times they are like little kids when the phone rings. Into everything and need to be the center of attention. We have to deal with it at large family gatherings. But really, dh is 42 yo, do they have no new material other than prior to 18?

Edited by mommy4ever
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But really, dh is 42 yo, do they have no new material other than prior to 18?

:lol: See, that is what I think sometimes, but then, I don't really want to give my mom new material to brag about, either! :lol:

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:lol: See, that is what I think sometimes, but then, I don't really want to give my mom new material to brag about, either! :lol:

 

I imagine if it was bragging about, it would be fine a little embarrassing, but it belittling him, making him out to be an idiot.

 

We just walk out of the room when it starts, and often leave these gatherings early when this starts. He's grown he can speak for himself and thus far has chosen not to.

 

But when they start on the kids, and BIL and MIL will do so, then I intervene. I'm passed off as the docile, mindless housewife, you know the little wife, barefoot, pregnant, helpless and brainless in their eyes, but I can reduce BIL to a quivering mass of shock and guilt, with just a few comments when it comes to my defending my kids(I stopped pulling punches when he had my then 7 year old in tears making fun of him). He's very cautious around me now. MIL on the other hand.... kid gloves.

 

She just loves having an audience, I know this but forgetting about the 'targets' feelings and having the children upset due to this, isn't cool. She won't do it to BIL, because he'll throw a tantrum and act very hurt.

 

When it's just us, the kids and MIL and FIL, you couldn't ask for better IL's. But there is moments where she just doesn't think.

 

Thankfully, ds16 is now able to handle BIL on his own. He took notes on how to shut that cycle down. So it's just the younger girls now, dd13 is getting pretty snappy with her come backs to uncle as well, so he's backed off with her most of the time. Not that she's rude, but she knows too what to say, she's listened over time, what grandma says that gets uncle to clam up, so she'll comment, "remember that time when Nana/Daddy/Momma said you were ______." Conversation over.

 

And with grandma, the older ones just shrug and go "she's getting old", not that 62 is all that old IM but somehow she is.

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I've had to be very blunt with my mom. It's hard because she's very sensitive, but she also doesn't realize how she comes across. I think she wants to be everyone's mother, which is very sweet when it is her 90 year old hospital patient (she is a nurse) but not when she speaks over me to discipline my child (when I am in the midst of doing so.) I explained it to her in those terms, and also my own hurt feelings. ie one time she left the room and asked me to "keep an eye on" my kid. :confused:

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My Mom tries to talk about *ahem* tea with me! Gah!

 

I sympathize. I'm sorry that your mom embarrassed you. I know this thread is several days old, so I won't offer advice at this point. :grouphug:

 

Mom won't always be around, and I know that when she is gone I will feel that I'd give anything to have one more uncomfortable conversation with her.

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We're all sisters here! My mother just came to help out for a couple of days so I can get my root canal finished and go to two other appointments, and maybe (she doesn't know this yet) take over for me overnight tomorrow so I can go to NYC to say bye to DH who is about to hit to road again. Who does that? Comes and makes dinner and takes care of the kids, and chases them around laughing and listens to them so intently as they tell their stories? And cleans the house so it is really nice when you come home? Your mom, that's who. We are lucky....

 

 

And yet, she came in with arm loads of groceries (I just went to the market but she always comes in with groceries because she misses shopping for a family) including no small amount of junk food. And she get everything to the back door before coming in. So instead of having my boys carry things in as they should for their mom an grandmother, she did the heavy lifting. Because I make my kids do too much and it's drizzling, she thought I'm sure. See....isn't that annoying?

 

My mother brags, and tells very personal stories to everyone and never asks anyone about themselves. To be fair she is an extremely entertaining woman, so people really do like to listen to her. She's just forgotten the other side of the social conversation. And she reveals everything. No editor.

 

Everyone loves her. I really, really love her. But she makes me crazy...crazy, I tell you. Then she makes me feel guilty because she makes me crazy. Which depresses me.

 

Did I tell you she is always late? And hugs people all the time.

 

I think mainly she makes me feel like I'm 13. Mortified and scared of what she is going to say next.

 

A better woman I do not know.

 

We should trade mothers for a week. I bet you'd love mine and I'd love yours. We are lucky to have them. Now excuse me while i try to wrest the Oreos from the baby...

 

There's no doubt that we are related. :D

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Every word out of my MIL's mouth is embarassing and most of them make so sense. My son's getting married in June and has begged us not to invite her. We have to, of course, but my DH will be sitting with her at all times and in charge of keeping her mouth shut. It won't be easy. :o

 

This is the saddest part, though, when a loving, caring child has to decide between being totally humiliated in front of his peers by the antics of his grandmother, or taking the high road and just accepting her. I would expect the latter choice from an adult, but, wow, it's a tough spot to be in when we're talking about young adolescents/early teens navigating a new peer group. I am sad to admit that because of this, Gramma no longer gets invited to all the awards programs, performances, etc. And if we can't invite Gramma, we can't invite Grandpa, Uncle Harold & Aunt Sally, either. It's a bummer.

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