Your college students bedroom

[MaryCatherine]

I was wondering how long you leave the room as *their* room after they go off to college. My younger daughter is going off this fall about 2 hours away - not terribly far and she plans to be home often. Of course, I know that she probably won't be back as often as she thinks now. But I really want the boys to have more space - either seperate rooms or a man-cave type room. Of course, I'd have a place for dd to sleep when she visits, but she's rather appalled that I'm considering using her room while she's gone. Am I supposed to leave it for her the entire time she's in college? That would be four years - my boys would share a room until they graduated high school??

 

Just curious as to how others have handled this. Thanks

 

Anne

[Deb in NZ]

When dd went off to uni Feb 2010, ds#2 moved his stuff into "her" room as she moved her gear into the car to move to school. At this time we do not have a guest bedroom, so the few times she has been home, she has either slept in the caravan (hard-top camper) out back or on the couch in the lounge when it's too cold to be outside. The longest dd was home since Feb 2010 in one stretch was 10 days, so we couldn't see the point of moving ds#2 out of "his" room. He does need to put up with dd's gear stored in the closet & half the drawers in his dresser, but at least he has his own space. Between out-of-town summer jobs, volunteer positions at jamboree, hiking with friends, sailing with friends, dd just wasn't home much. Even when she lived at home, she wasn't "at home" much ;)

[Beebalm]

Interesting that you should ask this...in an address to parents during a recent college visit, one of the counselors said that a student had told her to tell parents not to transform their bedroom right away...that they needed a little time to transition without feeling they'd lost their place at home. I'd never really thought about it. However, I think I'd give it a semester or two if at all practical. I'd probably let a sibling stay there without redecorating or transferring ownership.

 

On an entirely separate issue, they mentioned the importance of snail mail and that students get pretty dejected when they open an empty box day after day. Even our tech-savvy kids appreciate old school communication, it seems.

[distancia]

...they mentioned the importance of snail mail and that students get pretty dejected when they open an empty box day after day.

 

I can certainly empathize with them. I returned to college as an older, single student to a city where I knew nobody. I didn't receive much mail, so I began to put myself on interesting mailing lists. Not junk mail: material that mattered to me. Cruise ship brochures, travel agency brochures, information packets from tourism boards of places all over the world. Shopping catalogs.

 

When my niece and nephew went off to college I made sure to put them on mailing lists for material I knew would interest them. Sometimes I find real cheap deals--absolute steals--on magazine subscriptions, for $5 or $6 a year. So I pay and sign them up. Also I occasionally order little gizmos and gadgets from Meritline.com, they have real bargains for 49 cents or 79 cents and free shipping....I have those mailed to the kids.

 

I'll have to start doing that for my daughter, too, when she goes away this fall!

[Chris in VA]

Mine shares a bedroom with his brother and always has, so it's not a big deal to just keep it "his room."

 

My husband's experience of going to college was that it was a moving out type of thing. When he came home, he slept on the couch in the livingroom.

 

I'm more tender to my oldest--if he had been in his own room, I'd have let him keep it and not changed it into a sewing/guest/whatever kind of room--but we are not crowded here.

 

I guess I don't see college as moving out. That happens after college, or after a reasonable amt of time in college (in my book, you get 4-5 years, depending if you've screwed around or not).

[creekland]

When oldest went off to college it just meant his younger brother took over almost all of the room since they had shared the room. He gets his bed back when he comes home, but youngest has kind of redecorated.

 

When middle son goes off to college he knows we might use his room for an Asian exchange student if the economy improves. He already knows this, so won't likely be upset. It might be more traumatic if I sprung it on him, but it might not have been as none of my boys are all that materialistic or attached to space or stuff (not meaning that in a negative way - just their personal personalities).

 

All the boys know when youngest leaves for college mom and dad are likely to sell the farm. It's a bit much to keep up with just the two of us. We did it when they boys were young, but we were younger then too. They say they don't mind this, but sometimes I wonder since this has been "home" for so many years (almost all of their lives).

[Brenda in MA]

We have the extra space, so we've kept oldest's room as his when he went to college. However, in my own family, the situation was more like Deb in NZ describes. My younger sis moved in as I was moving out. My last week at home was spent boxing up the belongings I wasn't taking to college and putting them in the attic for storage.

 

If you've got younger ones who could use more space, I'd definitely move one of them into your dd's room. I could see it being a bit traumatic for her to go away from home with her room "as is" and come back with her brother living there. However, if you involve her in the planning and make sure she will have some kind of space when she's home on breaks, I think it would make the move a bit easier for her.

 

Best wishes on the transition. Change is never easy.

 

Brenda

[TravelingChris]

I always told my children that while they are in college, they don;t have a room. My son had his own room until he went to college, then (because we didn't have enough bedrooms) he went into the guest room/office on breaks. At this location, he moved and went to college so we got a house with separate rooms for all the kids and a guest room. We don't know where we are moving this summer where we go from three kids at home to one but I hope we get a four bedroom or three bedroom plus den anyway so I can have at least one room for visiting children.

[JFSinIL]

Since ds is only 3 hours aay, at a school on the trimester system, he is home a LOT - a full week in early Nov., after the first classes ended, then Thanksgiving, then three weeks at Christmas, then another two weeks after the second trimester - for a kid who went off to college he sure is home a lot ;) The Easter break is still coming up, too.

SO his room is still his room. I did make him really clean it up and pack away a lot of stuff, though - so someone could go in there and use his comfy chair to read. We are in an older hosue (1906) with enough small bedrooms for each of the four kids, so do not NEED to take the room.

Edited March 19, 2011 by JFSinIL

[Miss Marple]

Since ds is only 3 hours aay, at a school on the trimester system, he is home a LOT - a full week in early Nov., after the first classes ended, then Thanksgiving, then three weeks at Christmas, then another two weeks after the second trimester - for a kid who went off to college he sure is home a lot ;) The Easter break is still coming up, too.

SO his room is still his room. I did make him really clean it up and pack away a lot of stuff, though - so someone could go in there and use his comfy chair to read. We are in an older hosue (1906) with enough small bedrooms for each of the four kids, so do not NEED to take the room.

 

Same here. Ds is less than 3 hours away and comes home at least one weekend per month as well as holidays. Last summer marked a new phase in his life, though, because he had an internship that only allowed him 1 week of break between semesters. So he used that week to move. I don't think he came home for more than a day or two that summer. And with an internship this summer as well, I don't anticipate seeing him much.

 

This son does not do well with change. I have avoided re-doing his room but have allowed another ds to move some exercise equipment into it. So I guess we're just transitioning really slowly. We have a large house with plenty of space - his bedroom is the largest, but the most inconvenient (3rd floor). I've asked if any of the other boys would prefer that bedroom to their own - thinking to move ds#1 to a smaller room - but none of them want that. They see is as too final that ds#1 will be gone for good.

[distancia]

Same here. My dd will be leaving this fall to go to college 45 mins away! and she asked me if she can come home "every weekend". I made a face (of surprise) when she asked me, I thought she would only want to pop back for a few hours on Sunday or something. I mean, there is always something fun going on at school, and she has been somewhat socially deprived of friends since being homeschooled this past year, as all her buddies are now of in college themselves. I did not anticipate her wanting to be back with us so quickly, she is always complaining about her dad and I!

 

We are planning to put the house up for sale and move to smaller home, same town, within a year of her leaving. Our house is 3400 sq feet, 5 bedrooms, 4 baths, 2 office/dens, a theatre room and a family room, as well as formal dining room, etc. Just too big for 3 people. We will downsize to a small-ish ranch of 2500 sq feet with adequate bedrooms, one of which will be "hers".

 

We'll move her familiar "stuff" into her new bedroom in the new house to make her feel comfy. She hates change so we will try to keep it as much the same as possible.

[ereks mom]

He looks forward to coming home on breaks to decompress in his familiar setting. He is a college senior, and I foresee his room being just the way it is at least until he gets married. Of course, we have plenty of room; it might be different if that were not the case.

[Cindy in MO]

Our oldest shared a room, so it is pretty much as he left it. When he moved to college the first time, my son who shares the room pushed his older brothers bed and stuff all to the side. My older son was only 2 hr. away, so he was home a lot the first year, not so much this year since he has a girl friend. He comes home for summer jobs, too.

 

This fall the next oldest goes off to college also, maybe close, maybe not so close. My two youngest sons want the big bedroom in the basement vacated by their older brothers. The older ones may still be home for the summer. I think we'll probably wait one more year for the switch when oldest ds graduates and gets married. Although, that empty room is going to be very tempting, I don't think my college students would like to come home and have the bedroom right across from Mom and Dad!

Cindy

[J-rap]

My younger kids would maybe wait a full half hour to move into the newly vacated room of an older sibling. (with my permission, of course :) That's just the way it had to be in our house! We were a little crowded.

 

I think the "oh, wait a semester so they can ease into it" is kind of silly. If your boys could use the extra room, let them have it! When your daughter is home on a weekend here and there, you can let her have it to herself and your boys can be together for the weekend.

 

Our rooms are pretty basic and our kids tend to live quite simply. Moving out means packing up maybe two boxes, and moving in means unpacking two more. Room decor in our house is antique but can be girlish or boyish, so they handily work for either.

 

If our son or daughter was back for the summer, we would accommodate them, of course, and maybe even pack up the two boxes and re-make it into his/her room again.:001_smile:

[FaithManor]

DD's bedroom will be hers for a very long time. Right now she lives at home and commutes a rather long distance to her paramedic and pre-med classes. Given that the dorms were $10,000.00 for about eight and half months of living, though at times trying, the commuting is a real money saver.

 

But, she will in about three years be heading off to med school or to get her certified nurse midwife, physician's assistant, or master's in emergency medicine management and those programs will take her out of state. At that point, we probably still will not change her room over into my office/quilt space.

 

Our reasoning is that she is going into a ridiculously stressful program that does not have much for breaks. However, on those occasions that she can come home, we want to provide her the comfort of her room, her surroundings, her favorite childhood things, and a quiet space to get some extra sleep or to study.

 

The only reason we would not keep her room as is, would be if she chose the International Medicine Program at Queensland University in Brisbane. At that point, she would be gone three years and would never have a break long enough to consider spending the funds to return home. We would try very hard, dh and I, to fly to Australia once per year to spend a week with her. In that program, after three years of med school/internship in Brisbane, she'd return to complete the program with two year's of residency in New Orleans which is the American part of the program. If she passes the international board, then she'd be dual licensed to practice medicine in Australia, the States, and the UK. But, we know she won't have time during the two years residency in New Orleans to come home. After that, she'd be getting a job and working who knows where. So, if she opts for the International Program, then when we return from taking her to the airport, I will have a quilt room!

 

Faith

[Melinda in VT]

I'd love to keep my son's room for him to use during breaks . . . but that would mean making my middle son continue to share with his younger brother (six years younger) all through high school. That just doesn't seem fair or right.

 

I've already told my oldest that he won't be able to keep his room while he's at school, unless the family moves to a new home with more bedrooms, but that we will always have a place for him to sleep and he can choose whichever he views as the lesser of the available evils. :D

[mcconnellboys]

If you'd have another room for her when she visits, then I'd switch the rooms. I don't know that I'd leave her without a space in the house at all, though, unless you are pressed for space. I might wait until a couple of months after she moves out and gets acclimated....

[Reesegirl]

When my oldest dd went to college my youngest dd switched rooms since dd1 room was larger. DD1 didn't mind because she still had a place to crash when she came home. Now that the first two are truely out of the house, I think dd3 who is away at college would have a fit if I moved her into one the smaller room and I made her room into a sewing room, man cave or the like! I am not going to do that until she is really gone. We still call the rooms by the girl's names!

[Koerarmoca]

no one really has their own rooms now. We have 4 girls and 2 bedrooms for them to "share" each room has 2 beds however they all always end up in one room by morning. I don't think it would matter to any them at all if we change things after the leave the nest given how they sleep now. It would just be "woot sissy is home slumber party" :D

 

our last house was much larger than this one and we had the space for everyone to have their own room and they never went for it so we ended up with bunks in one room, a craft room, a playroom & a school room. My kids are not the type to hang out in their rooms they are just for sleeping they are just rooms with beds, and a few books. No toys or clothes are kept in them. Things may change as they get older.

 

When I went to college my mom took over my room before I even left she started putting more stuff in my closet and bought a new guest bed I was little miffed that she waited to get a new bed I would of liked a new bed mine was awful lol... she also bought a dishwasher that was funny though she said her dishwasher moved out :lol:

[Nan in Mass]

In my family, going off to college is considered going to school, not moving out. A dorm room is considered a dorm room, not considered a new home. College isn't considered the end of family life and "home" isn't college. We've been especially careful about this because my brother-in-law was pretty traumatized by his newly divorsed mother's having to rent his room within a week of his moving out of it. We got to know him within weeks of this happening and heard some of the upset. I think rearranging your space is inevitable as children grow up and need different sorts of things, but in my family, we try to make sure that the rearranging doesn't coincide with big events like going to college (so that the upset doesn't get doubled), and we make sure everyone has a place to call their own and someplace to store their things, the things they don't want to risk to a dorm room. I think this might be one of those things linked to family culture, though, like the paying-for-college thing.

-Nan

[K-FL]

I wouldn't move anyone in yet. Too many dc come home after the 1st semester to do cc or local school or work. We moved last year while dd#1 was at school. She doesn't really have a place here in the new house as her sister considers the "girl room" her room. Makes it tough on #1 when she's home for summer or breaks as she really doesn't have a bed.

[kewb]

This has been eye opening for me. Growing up we lived in a 3 bedroom house. My sister and I each had our own rooms. She had the larger one. It never even occurred to me to take over her room. It was hers. My parents didn't change anything until she graduated from law school and decided where she wanted to live. My mother did start using her closet at one point but everything else was the same. When my sister struck out on her own she took her stuff and then my mother started making small changes in the room. She started using it as an office/exercise room. It wasn't until I got married and took my sisters bedroom furniture that my mother truly redecorated the room.

[LBS]

Funny you should ask this. I attended a total of seven "accepted student days" with my two older kids, within two years. Alumni Associations were quite active at several of these, and two presented very nice, funny skits about how soon, and what to do with that extra room, to the whole groups of parents and kids at those visits. On two other campuses, shorter skits were mixed into the information sessions. One was really hilarious where a mom and dad, sang about their (differing) plans to convert their child's room, one to a man-cave, and one to a sewing room. Each of my three kids has his or her own bedroom. When the boy doesn't come home for a while, we use his room as a short-term storage, but I have to clean it out for him, before he gets here. His sister was working on portfolios and had art spread all over the room, and didn't get it up before he got home last time and he just laughed and slept on the big couch in front of the TV. I guess my kids know that I want them home as much as they want to come, over the future. I'd love to have a dining room again, but I want him to be here for the summer....with a younger kid we're still doing family trips and such. Maybe my kids grow up slowly, but also, while planning the new house, I have put rooms for each kid in, but one converts to an upstairs den, plus two bedrooms share a bathroom, so a family could live in those two bedrooms, plus, the "in-law" apt over the garage, would convert to single kid living, as well as starter family living. I like reading here on these boards about how many supportive parents like their kids with young families, graduate work, or hard times, encourage their kids to move back in to get on their feet. It does seem like having an empty house, heating and cooling it, for just two people is not the way it should be. Just to my thinking. I'm pretty territorial, too, but if nobody messes with my bedroom, and they put the kitchen utinsils away where I decreed, I think I'd enjoy living with any of the people I brought into the world, and could manage to live with their chosen others. (Oh, please do not bring this back to haunt me :tongue_smilie:)

 

This is a very interesting thread,

Thanks, OP.

[Melinda in VT]

I do think there is a difference between turning a student's bedroom into a craft room or a den and allowing a younger sibling to get his or her own room. Does anyone really think a bedroom should sit empty for 2/3 of a year while other kids are sharing bedrooms??

[MaryCatherine]

This has been interesting to get so many views. Since I started this thread, and also asked on one other forum, we've decided how we're going to handle this.

 

I currently have all four kids at home. Oldest is working part time and going to nursing school. She should graduate in two years - she's here until then unless she does something crazy, like get married. Her boyfriend is fabulous and that would be great, but I assume they'd wait until she was finished. But who knows. She and second daughter have their own rooms while the boys share. We're going to take second daughter's room, put some of the furniture in storage, add the desk, bookcases, the second TV, the family computer, the game stuff and all the fun stuff, and it will become the man-cave (or family room, or living room, or whatever). Her twin bed will be used as a couch and the room will be hers during her visits. She has agreed to all this. This way, the boys will have more space, though still sleeping in the same room. Eventually, oldest daughter's room will be open and that's when the boys will get separate rooms.

 

If second daughter does move home while in college, everything can just go back to how it is now. We're all excited about this plan and I just thought I'd share it here.

 

Again, I appreciate everyone taking the time to share their experiences. I wish I did have room for everyone to have their own personal space, but that's a luxury I don't have at present.

 

-Anne

[Alyce]

so their bedrooms will stay theirs until they finish college. Beside they have too much "stuff" to turn their rooms into guest rooms anyways. They still come home periodically, for holidays, breaks and the summer so their room will be theirs until they officially start their own careers and own life. My parents did that for me and it made me feel more comfortable but when I graduated I knew it was time to go and at that point I was ready. When I got my own apartment my stuff came with me. That is what I expect of my kids.

[Deb in NZ]

keeping a child's bedroom unchanged while they are away at college makes sense if you are just going to change it into a guest room, sewing room, etc. If leaving the room as is means that younger siblings have to continue to share a room, it does not seem right to leave the room empty for most of the year. Dd may not have a room to call her own in our house anymore, but she'll always have a place to sleep when she comes home. If her situation changes that she is living at home full-time, then we would move the boys back together & give her a room again.

 

JMHO,

[memphispeg]

My dds shared a room. One is still at home but, she likes using the extra space of her big sister's desk and bed. The dd from college will be at home this summer. So, she will need the space again. I do not think there will be any point in time in this house where we would get a chance to remodel that room. We already have a den/work room so we are not too crowded.