Beebalm Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 My dd is waiting on phone calls/letters/emails from various universities. Over the last two weeks I've conflicted with her daily about reaching out, making that contact, asking that question, checking that deadline, etc. Nag, nag, nag. She's resistant to picking up the phone. Of course, I can't do it for her. Any one else having this problem? It's affecting our relationship. I've heard friends talking about the senior year being tough, but we're miserable. I found out earlier this week that she'd neglected to respond to a very important email. She missed another important scholarship deadline. (I didn't interfere and let her.)Instead of becoming more confident and self-assured, she's caving. Instead of building her confidence, I'm on her case every day to try to make sure we get scholarship idecisions that we desperately need. She's always been super responsible, but seems to be sabatoging herself when it's most important. It's almost like she thinks the colleges are going to come to her, rather than the other way around. And she definitely doesn't handle bureacracy/red tape well. How many of you are able to just back off and let your child handle the journey? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I have no been there - but could it be that she feels ambivalent about college? That the realization that this is coming up soon, that she is to leave and go away fro college THIS Fall is hitting her and she plays ostrich, putting her head in the sand and pretending things won't happen if she is in denial? This kind of self-sabotaging behavior would lead me to suspect that the cause is not laziness or apathy, but anxiety about the whole process of growing up and going away. So, if this were my daughter, I would try to get at the root cause. If you think she would not confide in you, maybe there is another adult family member or friend who could talk with her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beebalm Posted March 18, 2011 Author Share Posted March 18, 2011 I have broached this subject with her, offered that we can work out anything, suggested a gap year if that would help, etc. and she emphatically tells me that she's ready to launch out. However, she's definitely got that 'deer in the headlights" look the last few days. I think the reality of everything is sinking in and she's not sure how to handle it. Me too! This is my first college-aged child and we've worked so so hard to prepare her academically. Other families look a lot more 'graceful' and less overwhelmed during this process to me:001_huh:. She has many attributes....accomplished musician, NMF, lots of community involvement...we just don't seem to be making good connections. She is reserved, even shy in some ways, though she won't admit it. She's brainy but not always brimming with common sense. Like I said, she really doesn't get bureaucracy....that if you don't make contact, you call again. And again. Until you reach someone or they return the call. She assumes too much. Thanks for your comment and for letting me vent. Just feeling like I'm letting her down too by not preparing her in THIS way. Perhaps this painful process has a purpose and we're both learning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 My ds was like this, exactly! Might I suggest that you consider putting on your 'guidance counselor' hat and working with her to teach her how to achieve this important goal. Yes, it would be nice to have her step up and do it herself and that is ideal, however, it doesn't work for al kids. They are teenagers. They are unsure of themselves and self conscious and not experienced in the ways of the world, usually. Nothing wrong with helping as her counselor - happens in the public schools when those poor folks aren't overloaded. Work with her! Schools understand counselors making contact with admissions. Hope you both can get a little relief from the anxiety of this whole drat process!! Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
April in CA Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Hi! IO feel your pain - my guys are both resistant to making phone calls and being the"squeaky wheel." I am somewhat phone-phobic as well. Just knowing tha something needs to be cone does not make it easy to do. I would suggest modeling the desired behavior and walking through the process with her. Get the phone and the phone numbers (tell her where you found them) and sit there while she dials the phone and wades through the automated menu. Commiserate with her about the agonies of being on hold forever. Have a note pad with you so you can quickly write down the questions she forgets to ask but needs to before she hangs up. Remind her to write down the info she received (keep notes!) Praise her for doing the hard things! My older son confessed to me that he took to heart so much my instruction to him when he was little to not answer the phone unless he knew the caller that he had a hard time learning to feel comfortable using the phone for business rather than chatting with friends. I suspect my younger son is the same way. It may or may not be comforting to you to know that my older ds, currently a freshman in college, didn't pay close attention to application deadlines for summer jobs, so he may be unemployed and poor this summer. I think we need to do some training in understanding and using a personal calendar or planner to stay on top of such details. Rather, I think my DH will have to teach him - since I still find some of those things rather mysterious... Seriously, I would strongly encourage you to walk through this process with your daughter. It really is kind of like getting them ready for kindergarten all over again. Our kids think they are grown up, and sometimes we think they are grown up, but they really aren't - not yet! Blessings, April Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beebalm Posted March 19, 2011 Author Share Posted March 19, 2011 Oh my goodness, thank you guys. You've given me hope and encouraged me that things can improve. She's trying. I am too. What a pain all this is! She's probably a lot more responsible than I was at her age. I think my expectations are pretty high for someone at her stage of life. Like someone mentioned, they're not quite 'cooked' yet. It's a stange mix of child and young adult, one minute full of wisdom and the next incapable of the simplest task. And I have never been a guidance counselor and am not exactly brimming over with confidence either. It's a process. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your experience. I think all the moms should have a big party when we get them all enrolled. Or maybe just a big nap! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
distancia Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 My daughter is the same way and she reminds me that my expectations are far too high for someone her age. She says her peers in public school have guidance counselors who "do these things" and she is to be treated no differently, i.e. I, mom, am her guidance counselor. My dd is excited about college but anxious at the same time. What is hardest for me to understand--and I may be speaking for the majority of us here--is why our children seem so reluctant to take action. After giving it some thought I have come to the conclusion that they really like us (!) and have mixed feelings about leaving home. Homeschooling has given us stronger bonds and our children are NOT jumping at the chance to leave. They know the real world is not going to be half as understanding nor accommodating as we are, despite our strictness and rigorousness. All my dd's peers who attended public school could not wait to go away to college. They talked about how they were planning to decorate their dorms, what kind of clothing to bring, what clubs they were going to join. Parties they would be going to, how drunk (!) they might get. My dd is removed from that constant peer chatter and thus, she isn't caught up in that energy and enthusiasm of the group mindset. That is both bad and good. When my dd posted her (highly selective) college acceptance on her Facebook page, she received messages and posts from her friends to the order of "aw, girl, I will come down and visit you and we can PPPAAAARTTTYYY all weekend!" This is not quite the response my dd was expecting and I think it fills her with some trepidation. So, for as long as she can still be "a kid" at home, she's going to be one, no question about it. Her time to have Mom pick up the slack is limited and she is taking full advantage of it. She even told me this today! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kareni Posted March 19, 2011 Share Posted March 19, 2011 My daughter was also reluctant to make those types of phone calls. What helped here was role playing and trying to anticipate what she should say and how she might answer the questions that could be asked. Try to convince her that with each call made the next one will (probably) be easier. Regards, Kareni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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