Regret

[Random]

I need some practical and positive ways to deal with regret. Rather than wallow in despair and frustration and constantly dwell on mistakes, how can someone overcome them?

 

And, these are not changeable decisions. I'm talking about major life decisions-things you can't go back and fix or even work towards a different outcome.

 

TIA!

[ReneTL]

I found this book very helpful: Loving What Is

 

 

Peace,

Rene

[MariannNOVA]

It took me awhile to resolve those kinds of issues, but I found these two books indispensable:

 

The Presence Process by Michael Brown

http://www.amazon.com/Presence-Process-Healing-Journey-Awareness/dp/0825305373 Not a quick or easy read, but well worth the time and effort.

 

 

And, this book Present Moment Awareness by Shannon Duncan -- which is an easier read than the one above, but I would not have been ready for this one, without the work required from the first one: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_73?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=present+moment+awareness+a+simple+step-by-step+guide+to+living+in+the+now&sprefix=present+moment+awareness+a+simple+step-by-step+guide+to+living+in+the+now

[Kathleen in VA]

I think we all have regrets about our lives and it can be really depressing since there's usually not a whole lot you can actually do about it. I know it sounds corny and hokey and all that, but I really find that remembering the Serenity Prayer helps. Try to embrace you current situation and make the most of it. The more time you spend regretting the past, the more time slips from the present and it is time you can never get back. Since there really isn't anything you can do, the wisest thing, imo, is to just let it go and look to the present and the future. Don't add to your regrets by letting another day become another day you regretted because you spent it stressing over past mistakes. Does that make sense?:grouphug:

 

Here's the version at wikipedia:

 

O God and Heavenly Father,Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

[KidsHappen]

This is one of the major problems that I am dealing with right now. I am trying to manage by discussing and bringing to the surface matters that have been buried for a long period of time. It is very painful and difficult for everyone involved by it gives me hope that perhaps someday these things will be resolved and we will be able to move on.

[Rosie_0801]

I try to feel confident that I made those decisions for good reasons. I may wish I had been in a place to have made better decisions, but for the most part I look back and feel that if I had my time over, I would make the same decisions for the same reasons because that's who and what I was at the time.

 

Rosie

[Lolosoli]

Hmmm? That's hard to work through. I can share what is working for me...

 

I tend to over-think and over-feel everything. So, having regrets has always tended to be a part of who I am...I've always felt haunted by them. Sometimes regrets hurt my life both during the day and at night. I've always tried to process them and work through them....thinking that if I did that I would eventually come to terms with it all.

 

Believing that those decisions made me who I am today and I should be thankful and proud or whatever never really "worked" or felt right for me. Thinking about how some people have done far, far, far worse things and therefore I shouldn't feel so bad didn't work for me either.

 

What has worked for me is to allow myself time to work on and process a regret FULLY, to go over it in my mind, feel how I need to feel, work through it in my mind and then forgive myself AND THEN MOVE ON!!!!!!! If that memory pops back into my head I shove it right back to the back burner. I instantly replace it with a similar, happy thought and then move on with my time.

 

For example. I have a deep regret about something I did to my mom as a teenager. Yes, some teenagers have done worse. Yes, it eventually helped me grow as a person, I've apologized and for most people life would go on. BUT, I constantly felt guilty and regret!!!!!! I kept thinking about what ifs and replaying the whole situation over again and again in my mind...which would pop up on Mother's Day and her birthday or any day it felt like it. Now, when that memory pops up I just ignore and replace. I think about all the wonderful things I have done and what a great mom that I am.....and then I move on in life.

 

I am learning to control my thoughts and not let my thoughts control me.

 

It's OK to have regrets...it isn't healthy when those thoughts control you though. I think I possibly felt that I should feel bad for the bad I had done...like a punishment!! I had to stop.

 

Process the regret(s), feel it, cry over it, get angry, work through it....and then let it go for good. Don't allow it to come back again and when it does don't dwell. Literally, forgive and forget.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Anne in CA]

I agree with the book suggestions here, although I haven't read them I have heard of them and are sure they are good. I do a weekly Bible study with some older ladies and it puts my life into perspective. The woman who leads the Bible study has been married ten years longer than I have been alive! When she talks about learning from hard things it is very comforting to me, because the perspective is, that at forty I still have a lot of time for things important to me. Oh I regret plenty of personal and parenting decisions. Particularly with my older children I wish I could do so much over knowing what I now know. It helps to know that I did the best I could, and I will do what I can with the time I have left with my children.

 

One thing I have learned in the last year that takes the sting out of regret is that I have every day to make the most of my life in the present, and I do it to the best of my ability. Some days that means making a wonderful family meal and spending most of the day I'm not homeschooling shopping and cooking, some days that means feeding the family really cheap take out while I work on a hobby and take care of myself. In other words, to fight regret I throw myself into the present as much as possible.

[Hedgehog]

Simply that it is pointless to spend mental energy on - get stressed about - something you can't change. You just leave it behind, and make the most of today.

[Random]

Just want to say thanks for such thoughtful and caring responses. You have each given me a lot to think about.

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: You are not alone. I have been dealing with regret over past decisions for a while now. For me, it is a day by day choice to surrender those choices to God and let Him redeem them how He sees fit. I have repented and asked forgiveness (for those choices that were sin) and that is that. It is still painful when the memories come up and I begin to think, "I should have done x or should not have done y or I wish somebody would have warned me about z...". What is done is done. Praying that you can find some relief from all the regret you are dealing with.

[Mergath]

I think it is a case of the grass always being greener on the other side. Looking back on my life, there were decisions I made that now seem like obvious mistakes. However, there's no way to know that if I had made the choice differently, my life would have turned out better. While I have many problems I'm dealing with at the moment, a different set of decisions could have landed me in an even worse place than I'm in now.

 

Yes, if I'd applied myself more in school, I could have gotten into a good college right away, instead of years later. But I probably would have chosen a career I'd end up hating, because really, who can make a lifelong decision at eighteen? Then I wouldn't have my wonderful dd.

 

Or I could have ended up with a man who doesn't have so many mental health issues. But my dh is working to make himself a better, healthier person, while a different man might have had issues and not cared to try to better himself.

 

You never know what life is going to bring, and it's just not possible to send your experience and wisdom back to your past self, no matter how much you might want it. The only way to gain that experience and wisdom is to make the mistakes you regret in the first place. Without having made a bunch of mistakes, many of us would be a great deal dumber. ;)

[fairytalemama]

Some major regrets make me wish I could rewind my life. Since that's not possible, I've found counseling and the passage of time to be helpful. I still think about my regrets fairly often, but keeping active through exercise, having a hobby, and trying to bring good into the lives of others helps.

 

Meditation and living with mindfulness is helpful too. I love this teaching of Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh about washing dishes and mindfulness:

 

Anyone can wash the dishes in a hurry, try this for a change:

 

While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes. At first glance this might seem a little silly: why put so much stress on a simple thing? But that's precisely the point. The fact that I am standing there and washing these bowls is a wondrous reality. I'm being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence, and conscious of my thoughts and actions. There's no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves. (pp.3-4, 1976)

 

There are two ways to wash the dishes. The first way is to wash the dishes in order to have clean dishes and the second way is to wash the dishes in order to wash the dishes.(p.4)

 

If while we are washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash to wash the dishes.' What's more we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes....If we can't washes the dishes, chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either. (pp.4-5)

Just let your worries go and be in this moment. Wash your dishes to wash the dishes and don't think about anything else. You can't go back, but you can be the person you want to be in this moment and all your future moments. :grouphug:

[LNC]

This is a good book that deals with that topic:

http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Middle-Midlife-Grace-God/dp/0972304681