KidsHappen Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 My dh wanted to set me up with IM so that I could chat with him when he was out of town. I was nervous because I didn't want it so that everyone I knew would be able to see I was on-line and want me to chat whenever they saw me. But he said he would make it private and so that I was invisible so no one would know. So I relented and allowed it. I now have all of my dc linked to me. And then tonight he gave my address to his dc and three wayed me into a conference when he did it so that there was no way that I could gracefully refuse. I was so overwhelmed that I shut down my computer and claimed that the internet went down. When I went back on I shut down my IM and then told my dh I was going to beat him about the head. The other day when I said that I was an introvert, I wasn't joking. I am painfully so. Can you say social phobia? Familiar with Monk's brother? I can leave my house and I am able to function in public fairly well but only because most people don't try to interact with you other than for specific purpose. Now days almost every place has self-service so I have to interact with fewer and fewer people so it is somewhat easier. If someone tries to make small talk with me they usually flee after seeing me panic-ed expession. I only talk to two people on the phone: my db and my dh. I talk to me db because I am almost as close to him as to my dc and he is on the road 10 hrs a day and needs to talk to someone just to stay awake. I, of course, talk to my dh and I will talk to my dc if they call me. But that is it. I don't talk to anyone else, ever, for any reason. I might call 911 in a real emergency but that's about it. I prefer to communicate in writing. Email and this board are great but I feel the same way about IM as I do about talking on the phone. It makes me feel trapped and overwhelmed and all panic-y. He knows this. We had a very long serious conversation about it when he set up my account. And then tonight, he just spaced. He said that she needed a mother's advice and her mom is not available so he thought I could help. I love them dearly and love to help whenever I can. I sincerely have no problem with this at all. I can just do that more effectively in writing. Well I can interact with them well in person but they are not here so writing would be my preferred medium. I did tell him to exchange email addresses for us and that I will email her tomorrow. Hopefully, I will be able to pull myself together and act like a normal person by then. Ok, vent over. Dh has made amends. I have forgiven and moved on. Now to pig out and recover from anxiety. Thanks for listening. You may resume your hopefully otherwise peaceful evening. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 I'm glad that dh has made amends and that you are able to move on. Have some chocolate!:lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 :grouphug: As an introvert and a sometimes technophobe, I would have shut down too. I'm glad he made amends. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 (((Hugs))) My sister love, love, loves those 3 way calling chats...Every time she calls, I'm wondering who else will be on the line. I can't stand all the confusion and my oh my, there is always another call!:leaving: "Just a minute, I have another call....oy." I'm think I'm permanently...a low techie as my kids say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 Why not tell the truth? "I need to leave now." I think lying like this ends up being hurtful, because then the people you lied to (when they find out, b/c IMO lies always come out) wonder about your truthfulness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 Why not tell the truth? "I need to leave now." I think lying like this ends up being hurtful, because then the people you lied to (when they find out, b/c IMO lies always come out) wonder about your truthfulness. I speak the truth faithfully but sometimes when I'm in the kind of situation she describes, I sort of panic and some sort of fight or flight reaction kicks in. Next time I'd be ready with I have to go now but the first time, it just might not be there. My only thought might be how do I get out of here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 I'm SO sorry that happened to you!:eek: I'm also glad that the IM can be gone as quickly as it arrived, if it's not working well for you. Can I ask one more thing, very gently and gingerly? One of my ds's had (past tense) a problem with anxiety. In our debate about how to best help him, one of the standards was whether the anxiety was severe enough that it kept him from enjoying/engaging in daily activities. In my ds's case, his fears and discomfort were indeed keeping him from things that would otherwise be enjoyable. (very gently here...) Is it possible that a little help or counseling could help you to get past some of the discomfort? What you describe in terms of avoidance seems like it may be interfering with your daily activities. Please forgive me if I'm intruding or misreading the situation. Blessings, Julie p.s. When we see Monk's brother on tv, don't we all pretty much assume he would benefit from some help to get past his fears? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted May 5, 2008 Author Share Posted May 5, 2008 I speak the truth faithfully but sometimes when I'm in the kind of situation she describes, I sort of panic and some sort of fight or flight reaction kicks in. Next time I'd be ready with I have to go now but the first time, it just might not be there. My only thought might be how do I get out of here. Heather, I am agreeing with your explaination but most of post is further explanation to unsinkable. :iagree: Yep, I panic. I can't think clearly in that kind of situation. But I did know that I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying, "I'm sorry but I can't talk to you." Nor did I want to explain my weird phobias to someone in a situation where she is looking for some kind of social interaction that I can't provide. That's why I warn everyone ahead of time to please not put me in that kind of situation. Try to imagine if you were afraid of snakes or spiders or whatever and someone threw one at you and said catch. The likelyhood is that you would not catch nor would you be thinking clearly enough at the time to stop and explain the problem. You would probably just scream and run. Of course, in that situation most people would figure out your problem because it is fairly common and understandable. My problem is a little less common and could easily be misinterpreted in the heat of the moment. I do know how I should have handled it so I wasn't really looking for advice, just sympathy. :) I will, of course, tell her the truth in my email and explain that I was so overwhelmed that I shut down my computer. I did ask dh to pave the way and explain my phobia to her since he is the one that put me in that situation to begin with, especially since he knew better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted May 5, 2008 Author Share Posted May 5, 2008 I'm SO sorry that happened to you!:eek:I'm also glad that the IM can be gone as quickly as it arrived, if it's not working well for you. Can I ask one more thing, very gently and gingerly? One of my ds's had (past tense) a problem with anxiety. In our debate about how to best help him, one of the standards was whether the anxiety was severe enough that it kept him from enjoying/engaging in daily activities. In my ds's case, his fears and discomfort were indeed keeping him from things that would otherwise be enjoyable. (very gently here...) Is it possible that a little help or counseling could help you to get past some of the discomfort? What you describe in terms of avoidance seems like it may be interfering with your daily activities. Please forgive me if I'm intruding or misreading the situation. Blessings, Julie p.s. When we see Monk's brother on tv, don't we all pretty much assume he would benefit from some help to get past his fears? No problem. I don't mind you asking at all and I am quite comfortable discussing it here as I always have the hope that it may help someone else. I do have a counselor and medication. I have made tremendous progress and conquered most of my mental health issues but this phone/im is stubborn and pretty much refuses to submit. Since I am doing well otherwise and this particular issue is not a priority for me (I don't think that it would otherwise be enjoyable anyhow), I am content to just try and manage my exposure. I stretch and make adjustments for my immediate family but I am just not motivated otherwise. Thanks for showing concern though. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 KidsHappen --- You do have my sympathy. :D I didn't intend to come across as judgemental and I am sorry about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyable Posted May 5, 2008 Share Posted May 5, 2008 :grouphug: I understand. LOL, just thinking about that "group hug" icon kind of makes me freak out. :lol: But I can't find a better one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted May 5, 2008 Author Share Posted May 5, 2008 KidsHappen --- You do have my sympathy. :D I didn't intend to come across as judgemental and I am sorry about that. Thanks! I was overly defensive because I knew that I didn't handle it as well as I could have. And while I am both mentally and technologically challenged, I am generally not a liar. As a matter of fact, when I panic I usually just sputter and probably act really weird. Your post really got me thinking and wondering why I would have reacted differently this time. So I went back and checked my archives to see exactly what I said (I don't actually remember as I was panicing at the time). Turns out I didn't say anything at all. I just shut down my computer without explanation and left hubby to explain (but also leaving her with the impression that my internet went down). That was wrong and I know it. I will apologize to her and explain my craziness. Amusing look into the mind of crazy person under stress :tongue_smilie:: (transcipt minus names, addresses and a few personal things) below: Sandy (5/4/2008 9:13:03 PM): What the heck just happened? I am getting all confused Sandy (5/4/2008 9:13:16 PM): windows poping up everywhere Sandy (5/4/2008 9:13:25 PM): and trying to post on my board Sandy (5/4/2008 9:13:52 PM): and somehow my volume just came on jeff (5/4/2008 9:14:07 PM): Well I didn't mean for us to talk anyway Sandy (5/4/2008 9:14:20 PM): huh? jeff (5/4/2008 9:14:38 PM): I thought we could all IM together but it wanted to do it without voice jeff (5/4/2008 9:14:45 PM): I didn't want that Sandy (5/4/2008 9:15:21 PM): you said private. me and you only Sandy (5/4/2008 9:15:34 PM): now I have at least 5 other people jeff (5/4/2008 9:15:37 PM): You don't have her on yours now do you Sandy (5/4/2008 9:15:42 PM): I knew this would happen jeff (5/4/2008 9:15:56 PM): I'm sorry Sandy (5/4/2008 9:16:05 PM): I just got an invite which I have to either accept or turn down to close window jeff (5/4/2008 9:16:31 PM): I'm sorry Sandy (5/4/2008 9:17:12 PM): Can I accept but be invisible jeff (5/4/2008 9:17:21 PM): Yes do that Sandy (5/4/2008 9:17:51 PM): It seems that my only options are accept and see when I am on-line or do not accept and don't allow jeff (5/4/2008 9:18:32 PM): I don't know what that means but accept it and then set you status to invisible Sandy (5/4/2008 9:18:56 PM): ok, but not happy jeff (5/4/2008 9:20:22 PM): btw you aren't invisible yet Sandy (5/4/2008 9:20:50 PM): I don't know how to get invisible jeff (5/4/2008 9:21:05 PM): see the icon down by the clock? jeff (5/4/2008 9:21:16 PM): Right click and select status jeff (5/4/2008 9:22:51 PM): now you are invisible Sandy (5/4/2008 9:23:17 PM): I didn't see a clock symbol so I just shut down jeff (5/4/2008 9:23:30 PM): No jeff (5/4/2008 9:24:08 PM): What I meant was, see the (Yahoo IM ICON) down by the clock (Time) In the lower right hand corner of your screen) Sandy (5/4/2008 9:24:09 PM): no, what? Sandy (5/4/2008 9:24:26 PM): I still don't have a clock Sandy (5/4/2008 9:24:44 PM): Are talking about the time jeff (5/4/2008 9:24:47 PM): Right click in it and select "My Status" , The digital display of time! jeff (5/4/2008 9:24:50 PM): Yes Sandy (5/4/2008 9:25:01 PM): yeah, that's what I did jeff (5/4/2008 9:25:05 PM): Okay jeff (5/4/2008 9:25:12 PM): whew Sandy (5/4/2008 9:25:14 PM): I was overwhelmed and was winging it jeff (5/4/2008 9:25:19 PM): You did good Sandy (5/4/2008 9:25:42 PM): That's worse than a phone call because you can't just not answer it Sandy (5/4/2008 9:26:31 PM): remind me to beat you about the head later. jeff (5/4/2008 9:26:53 PM): I deserve it . . . but jeff (5/4/2008 9:27:12 PM): In her defense, she is a good kid and she sincerely wants to be friends with you jeff (5/4/2008 9:27:36 PM): She needs lots of motherly advise that she can't get from her mother Sandy (5/4/2008 9:27:42 PM): I know but prefer email Sandy (5/4/2008 9:28:10 PM): see I am all fluxomed jeff (5/4/2008 9:28:18 PM): I'm sure she would understand that if you wouldn't mind an email from her from time to time jeff (5/4/2008 9:28:25 PM): fluxomed? Sandy (5/4/2008 9:28:40 PM): I don't play well with others Sandy (5/4/2008 9:28:54 PM): don't know how to socialize Sandy (5/4/2008 9:29:32 PM): Just tell her that I don't like using im but she can email me anytime and I will answer jeff (5/4/2008 9:29:50 PM): What was that word? Sandy (5/4/2008 9:31:45 PM): flum•mox Audio Help (flŭm'əks) Pronunciation Key tr.v. flum•moxed, flum•mox•ing, flum•mox•es Informal To confuse; perplex. Sandy (5/4/2008 9:32:08 PM): Wrong , because I was flummoxed Sandy (5/4/2008 9:32:30 PM): I don't multitask well either Sandy Pedigo (5/4/2008 9:32:47 PM): I do have my redeaming qualities though jeff (5/4/2008 9:33:07 PM): Many Sandy (5/4/2008 9:33:28 PM): love ya jeff (5/4/2008 9:34:09 PM): I really am sorry Sandy (5/4/2008 9:35:44 PM): You were just trying to be a good dad. I added her to my address book Probably more than you wanted to know but I felt the need to explain. Sorry if I was short. Please forgive me. :blush: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted May 6, 2008 Share Posted May 6, 2008 No problem. I don't mind you asking at all and I am quite comfortable discussing it here as I always have the hope that it may help someone else. I do have a counselor and medication. I have made tremendous progress and conquered most of my mental health issues but this phone/im is stubborn and pretty much refuses to submit. Since I am doing well otherwise and this particular issue is not a priority for me (I don't think that it would otherwise be enjoyable anyhow), I am content to just try and manage my exposure. I stretch and make adjustments for my immediate family but I am just not motivated otherwise. Thanks for showing concern though. :) I am so glad that you're not offended, and so glad that you are finding your way in all of this. It appears from the conversation you posted that you are all able to deal with things that come up with good humor. I think that rather than beating him about the head, he should forfeit something really important and good....like chocolate? Yeah...that's it...I think I'd require compensation in good chocolate! :D Blessings, Julie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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