Should I let it go or make an issue? MIL/twins

[Paige]

I have identical twins who are almost 7. Their grandmother, my MIL, still cannot tell them apart. It drives me up the wall. MIL does not seem to care or think it matters. I have dressed them and put their hair up differently for her, yet she says she cannot remember. I have shown her where one has a freckle and the other does not, but she cannot remember. One of them has been missing 2 teeth for over a year and the other hasn't lost any teeth. MIL cannot remember. Personally, I think she doesn't even try. Most people who spend time with them can tell them apart easily. Most people, can figure them out within a few weeks of seeing them once a week (teachers, church workers, etc.) MIL has had 7 years and can't get it?! Everyone else in the family can tell them apart now, and even if they can't get it right by instinct, if I dress them differently and tell them who is who, they can mostly get through the day knowing who is who. Most people in the family, who don't see the girls any more than MIL, could mostly tell them apart by around age 2. They are not that identical and I wouldn't believe they were identical if I hadn't had them tested.

 

The girls are getting old enough now that they are starting to notice and I think that it will affect their feelings about her if it continues. DH does not want to push the issue with her and says if she can't do it, she can't do it, and why make her feel worse? She adores the kids and is the most involved, loving, playful grandmother around. I really don't get it and I really think she believes it doesn't matter. The girls are very similar in personality and are not like the stereotypical "opposites" you will hear people describe twins as. They are unique and different, but they generally like the same things and play similarly, and have similar interests. I can tell them apart from their voices alone. WWYD? We currently live far away so it doesn't come up too often but we will be moving near her soon and I know she will be seeing them a lot. I'm not sure I can, I want to, or even if I should keep letting this go. DH says we should wait until the girls say something to her but I'm afraid they never will, or if they do, she won't take it seriously. She will openly tell them she can't tell them apart.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think this is just going to be one of those "That's the way Grandma is" sort of things. It's the kind of thing that you don't understand but just accept as a quirk in a family member who really isn't trying to be mean or malicious.

[kalanamak]

I think this is just going to be one of those "That's the way Grandma is" sort of things. It's the kind of thing that you don't understand but just accept as a quirk in a family member who really isn't trying to be mean or malicious.

 

:iagree:(It would be "our little secret" joke, that we never, ever let on to GM.)

Someday, this will be their special memory of the woman you say adores them.

[Michelle O. in MO]

... I don't think this is a super big deal. The girls know their grandmother loves and adores them. I'd say it's a little quircky that she can't seem to figure out who is who, but I'm not sure it's worth making an issue of (unless one of your girls tell you it bothers her). Is there any way you can shrug this one off and chalk it up to grandma's aging mind?

[May]

If it doesn't bother them, don't let it bother you. My dds didn't have much in the way of the grandparents department. She loves and adores them, to me, that should be enough for you.

[Britomart]

I have identical twins too, though they're younger than yours.

 

To be honest, this would really, really bother me. It doesn't bother me at all when family members make a mistake - I mistake them when I forget to look carefully! It also wouldn't bother me if she were just unable to tell them apart. Most members of my family still need to look for my girls' tell (different colored earrings) and can't tell just by their faces. Telling identical twins apart is hard, and I don't think there's anything offensive about not getting right all the time.

 

What matters to me is that they do look for the tell; they do make the effort.

 

I think that not making the effort is, in effect, saying, "I think you're the same person; I don't care about you individually." Which is incredibly offensive from someone who claims to love them. If you claim to love a person, you should at least know her name!

 

That said, I think a PP is right in how to handle it, at least partly. You can't change your MIL. You're probably going to have to tell your girls, "This is just something Grandma's not good at. It's sad, but we still love her." Because you can't change her. You have no power to do so. What you can do is train your girls to handle it, and decide how to handle it yourself.

 

If it were me, what I would start with is teaching your girls to politely correct their grandmother when she gets it wrong. E.g., "Excuse me, Grandma, I'm not Hannah, I'm Josie." Every time. Every. Time. And you could do the same, "Mom, actually that's Josie." And if she says, "Oh, I can't tell," you can say, "Please try; it matters to us." Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

If she gets offended at that . . . well, I guess you'll have to think and pray and discuss and decide what to do. But I think it's perfectly fair just to start with a solid family policy of, "the girls have the right to be called by their proper names." Because they do. They have to learn to be gracious when people get it wrong, but they also have an absolute right to make the correction, because they aren't the same person.

[CalicoKat]

My sister, identical twins, learned to just answer gma no matter whom she thought she was addressing. Gma never knew who was who and was always guessing. My sisters learned to just smile about it and let it go.

[Acadie]

Well, as someone with MIL issues, I'd say try to find the boundary between your comfort and responsibility zones and hers, so that it feels ok to you.

 

You have no control over whether MIL is willing *or able* to tell the twins apart. It could be that she's just not making it a priority (ugh) and I truly feel for you on that. It's also possible that something else is going on. Could this be a very early sign of cognitive impairment? Not that I'm suggesting that's the case, but it is a possibility. Sometimes unusual behavior (which I think this is) signals just how human we are.

 

If it's important to you and the twins that she differentiate, you could try nametags, especially if the kiddos think it's a good idea to help her call them by name. Or name bracelets, if they'd be into that? They could joke with her and hold up their bracelet...it might help her learn to tell them apart.

 

There may be other options that would feel better to you and your kids. Make it right for your family to the extent that you can, framing it positively for yourself and your children and on the outside chance that this really is a challenge for her. Only she can do her part.

 

Now let's see if I can heed my own advice in interactions with my own MIL. ;)

[RanchGirl]

I can definitely see why it bothers you, but I don't see what you can do.

 

The girls will realize this eventually and then they will have to decide if it bothers them. They may start playing jokes on her or wear name tags or just realize that MIL doesn't care enough to make that extra effort. Either way, it's between them and her IMO. I wouldn't even give MIL any hints since she doesn't take them anyway.

[Sophia]

It would bother me greatly, but if she is as great a grandmother as you say she is, I would also feel guilty that I couldn't just let it go.

 

My dc, otoh, who have not inherited some of my petty faults, would find it amusing and laugh about it and make great jokes about it (not in grandma's presence ;) and still love their grandparent.)

 

I know this because my dad has done some pretty crazy (rude) things, and my dc just laugh it off because overall, he's a wonderful grandpa.

 

They just chalk it up to old people are eccentric.

[littleWMN]

That would seriously annoy me and probably hurt me a little that she doesn't make the effort to tell them apart.

 

That said, if she hasn't learned in 7 years, saying something probably isn't going to help.

[Murphy101]

Dh says to start calling grandma by the other grandma's name. Because you just can't keep them straight. *insert evil laugh*

 

Really tho, if it isn't bothering the kids - I'd let it go. People can't keep my kids straight and I don't have any twins.

 

However, I would teach the kids to correct her or anyone else. Because it is just rude to not bother to use someone's name.

[Joker]

If you don't live near her now has she really had a lot of consistent time around them? If she's just around them in spurts I could see where it might still be difficult for her. Maybe her memory just isn't so great and only getting worse as she ages?

 

If she's a great grandma otherwise I would try to let it go.

[blakereese]

Dh says to start calling grandma by the other grandma's name. Because you just can't keep them straight. *insert evil laugh*

 

 

 

:lol: I love the way your DH thinks!!

 

 

My FIL is an identical twin. He is 73, and still gets called the wrong name by many well-meaning members of the family. (yes, they STILL look so much alike!) It happens.

 

But it would bother me, too. I agree with others who have said you should have the girls correct their grandma each time she calls them the wrong name. Eventually it will sink in...right?!

Edited March 10, 2011 by blakereese
wrong word!

[katilac]

I feel for her, lol! I am absolutely terrible at putting names and faces together, and yes, this does include relatives, and yes, it does include not being able to tell two different sets of twins apart (one set is family, one set if friends, I see them each a few times per year). If I see someone "out of context," forget it. It's not just that I can't recall the name; I honestly cannot figure out who the person is. I could not place my cousin's son, whom I have known since birth :tongue_smilie:, when I saw him in the 'wrong' city.

 

If they tested for such things, I'm sure it would be a learning disability, so maybe you can just consider grandma a bit neuro-atypical in this sense. It doesn't have to mean she (we) are not paying attention; it's simply very, very hard for some reason. With 'my' sets of twins, I think I would do better if I saw them more often for a long period of time, but a few times a year is really impossible.

[AuntieM]

This would really bother me. People make an effort to do the things that are important to them. I've been married 20 years and my mother still spells my married surname incorrectly more than half the time. It is not important enough to her. I give my mom, and your MIL, the benefit of the doubt when I say I *know* some things are just hard to remember. But if it were important to them, they would come up with a strategy for remembering. Seems like you've made a heroic effort providing such strategies.

 

I would not say anything at all to your daughters. But I would suggest that maybe your dh let his mom know that it is important to your girls and perhaps she'll start to consider it important herself.

 

My twins are not identical, but from age 7 to about 12, they really hated it when people lumped them together as "the twins." They specifically commented that they were each their own person and wished people would treat them as such. I imagine that would be even more keenly felt by an identical twin.

 

JMO.

[Murphy101]

Again I don't have any twins, but several of my kids look like clones. :lurk5: And are close enough in age that for many years people presumed they were twins. And even under those conditions - my boys HATED it when people they saw on a regular basis or for an extended length of time didn't bother to even use the right name.

 

It wasn't that anyone was getting mad over occasional misnaming. Heck, *I* do that with my kids! It was the blatant don't care enough to bother teacher or whatever that annoyed them. After about age 6, they would get mad and refuse to answer. I had to tell them it was okay to correct people and to tell them they didn't find it funny to be called names not their own.

[AuntieM]

 

I think that not making the effort is, in effect, saying, "I think you're the same person; I don't care about you individually." Which is incredibly offensive from someone who claims to love them. If you claim to love a person, you should at least know her name!

 

If it were me, what I would start with is teaching your girls to politely correct their grandmother when she gets it wrong. E.g., "Excuse me, Grandma, I'm not Hannah, I'm Josie." Every time. Every. Time. And you could do the same, "Mom, actually that's Josie." And if she says, "Oh, I can't tell," you can say, "Please try; it matters to us." Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

They ... have the right to be called by their proper names...they aren't the same person.

 

How would you feel if you had two singleton siblings and she never called them by their correct names? I understand that identicals muddy the waters for her, but that is not how the KIDS see it.

[Remudamom]

I'm always calling my kids by the wrong names, especially my identical boys. Sometimes I need to look them square in the face before I know one from the other.

[freetobeme]

my identical twins are 10 yo.

one set of grandparents, who live in our town, can tell them apart.

the other set, who loves (gma is now deceased) them dearly, never have figured it out. ever.

it bothers me. it has never seemed to bother them. and one of them really used to really be bothered when people who saw them regularly (friends, nursery workers) couldn't tell them apart. they just don't seemed to be bothered by the fact that this set of grandparents can't or won't or don't.

i'd give her a chance since she is moving closer, especially if she will see them more often.

it has become easier as mine have gotten older for more people who really want to to tell them from one another.

BUT as their mom, it bothers me. i try to keep it to myself.

i do understand and i am sorry.

:grouphug:

[freetobeme]

How would you feel if you had two singleton siblings and she never called them by their correct names? I understand that identicals muddy the waters for her, but that is not how the KIDS see it.

 

this has been true in our case. the children feel like individuals, NOT the same person. but they can learn to be loving and forgiving. they can learn to understand that for some people, it is hard. mine know that their mama knows who they are!

[Jean in Newcastle]

BTW - it would bother me too, but you can't change people who don't want to change themselves. I would rather preserve the relationship.

[ktgrok]

I feel for her, lol! I am absolutely terrible at putting names and faces together, and yes, this does include relatives, and yes, it does include not being able to tell two different sets of twins apart (one set is family, one set if friends, I see them each a few times per year). If I see someone "out of context," forget it. It's not just that I can't recall the name; I honestly cannot figure out who the person is. I could not place my cousin's son, whom I have known since birth :tongue_smilie:, when I saw him in the 'wrong' city.

 

If they tested for such things, I'm sure it would be a learning disability, so maybe you can just consider grandma a bit neuro-atypical in this sense. It doesn't have to mean she (we) are not paying attention; it's simply very, very hard for some reason. With 'my' sets of twins, I think I would do better if I saw them more often for a long period of time, but a few times a year is really impossible.

 

it is called face blindness. I have it too. I hate watching movies with ensemble casts because i keep getting confused as to who is who. Especially with men. With women I can use hairstyles to help. sigh.

[Bokons]

I feel for her, lol! I am absolutely terrible at putting names and faces together, and yes, this does include relatives, and yes, it does include not being able to tell two different sets of twins apart (one set is family, one set if friends, I see them each a few times per year). If I see someone "out of context," forget it. It's not just that I can't recall the name; I honestly cannot figure out who the person is. I could not place my cousin's son, whom I have known since birth :tongue_smilie:, when I saw him in the 'wrong' city.

 

If they tested for such things, I'm sure it would be a learning disability, so maybe you can just consider grandma a bit neuro-atypical in this sense. It doesn't have to mean she (we) are not paying attention; it's simply very, very hard for some reason. With 'my' sets of twins, I think I would do better if I saw them more often for a long period of time, but a few times a year is really impossible.

 

I am like this too, lol.

[Scarlett]

:iagree:(It would be "our little secret" joke, that we never, ever let on to GM.)

Someday, this will be their special memory of the woman you say adores them.

 

Hee hee. This reminds me of the time when ds was about 6 and heard me and his dad refer to my MIL as 'crazy'. Ds says, 'Grandmother is crazy?' I took a split second and then said, 'yeah, but don't tell her, it might hurt her feelings.'

 

:lol:

[Scarlett]

Hee hee. This reminds me of the time when ds was about 6 and heard me and his dad refer to my MIL as 'crazy'. Ds says, 'Grandmother is crazy?' I took a split second and then said, 'yeah, but don't tell her, it might hurt her feelings.'

 

:lol:

 

But in all seriousness, if she dotes on them and loves them....give it some time. Especially since you are about to be living closer to her.

[katilac]

it is called face blindness. I have it too. I hate watching movies with ensemble casts because i keep getting confused as to who is who. Especially with men. With women I can use hairstyles to help. sigh.

 

I looked this up; very interesting! I have place and car blindness, too :tongue_smilie:

[StephanieZ]

Buy them hats and sweat shirts with their names on them. Make sure they wear one or both whenver grandma is around.

 

It won't make the kids feel bad unless you make it negative. Just tell them that grandma's eyes aren't what they used to be (true for all of us) and that it is thoughtful to make things easy for her. (And, if she keeps mixing them up, then make it funny, fun. . . not bad, mean)

 

Alternatively, give the girls *really* different hair cuts.

[katilac]

I have identical twins who are almost 7. Their grandmother, my MIL, still cannot tell them apart. It drives me up the wall. MIL does not seem to care or think it matters. I have dressed them and put their hair up differently for her, yet she says she cannot remember. I have shown her where one has a freckle and the other does not, but she cannot remember. One of them has been missing 2 teeth for over a year and the other hasn't lost any teeth. MIL cannot remember. Personally, I think she doesn't even try. Most people who spend time with them can tell them apart easily. Most people, can figure them out within a few weeks of seeing them once a week (teachers, church workers, etc.) MIL has had 7 years and can't get it?! <snip>She will openly tell them she can't tell them apart.

 

I wanted to add a bit to my response, particularly to the bolded parts. When people are suspicious and in utter disbelief that you can't do something as freakin' simple as RECOGNIZE a person you know, it's pretty embarrassing. When you can't do something that other people seem to do quickly and easily, it's pretty embarrassing. When people persist and persist in insisting that you surely could do it you would only try, and you've been trying really hard all along, it's VERY embarrassing.

 

People are generally very gracious with me, and I'm really thankful for that. If someone I cared about actually told me that they thought I simply wasn't trying or didn't care, I would be really hurt. Grandma might indeed think that 'it doesn't matter,' in the sense that she knows she loves the girls even when she can't tell them apart, and she knows there isn't much she can do about it.

[Bokons]

it is called face blindness. I have it too. I hate watching movies with ensemble casts because i keep getting confused as to who is who. Especially with men. With women I can use hairstyles to help. sigh.

 

I didn't even know there was a name for it. I am exactly like this.

[Britomart]

I wanted to add a bit to my response, particularly to the bolded parts. When people are suspicious and in utter disbelief that you can't do something as freakin' simple as RECOGNIZE a person you know, it's pretty embarrassing. When you can't do something that other people seem to do quickly and easily, it's pretty embarrassing. When people persist and persist in insisting that you surely could do it you would only try, and you've been trying really hard all along, it's VERY embarrassing.

 

 

fwiw, it sounds like this isn't the issue with the MIL, as she's unwilling to work with different hairstyles and outfits and such either. At least, as far as I understand face-blindness, recognizing different colors and hairstyles shouldn't be a problem. If that's not true, I'm happy to be educated. :)

[Harriet Vane]

You said, "She adores the kids and is the most involved, loving, playful grandmother around. "

 

This really is all that matters. Let go of your resentment and be thankful for the love she has for her grandchildren.

[LibraryLover]

I'm just gonna say that it is good that I never had twins...I doubt my mother could tell a clothed boy from a girl. :tongue_smilie:

 

Yeah. She is the type who could look at a baby dressed in a navy blue football uniform and say, "Oh, what a darling baby girl!"

 

I am not kidding. She's not even all that old, or senile. :001_huh: But she does love folks and she has a huge heart.

[Sue G in PA]

It would bother me. My husband's step father couldn't remember my 7th child's name when we visited at Christmas. We don't see them but once a year, but we do communicate. It bugged me. My grandmother, before she passed, never spelled my dh's name correctly...no matter how many times she was corrected. AND, I have other relatives who consistently cannot pronounce or spell my last name (which is only 6 letters). Aggravating.

[Paige]

The reason I think she doesn't try is because before we knew they were identical, she would look at them closely and look for differences and try. The day I told her they were identical (at like 6-8 weeks), she looked at them briefly, and said, "Well, I'll never be able to tell them apart." As they got older, I would try to show her the differences, specifically- I showed her the freckles, I showed her the way their hair is different, and she never again would actually look at them and just nodded, smiled, passed the bean dip, and said she'd never get it. Her vision is fine and she's not that old. She is very good with names and faces for most people and used to teach for years and remembers everyone.

 

I think my main issue is that she doesn't try. I will put one in a red shirt, one in a green shirt, with one in pigtails and one with a headband, and she won't even listen to me when I tell her who is who as she says it doesn't matter because she won't remember. She says things out loud and in front of them like, "It doesn't matter which one you are, I never know who I'm talking to anyway." :confused: The girls hate being singled out as twins or called "the twins" yet Grandma refers to them as that or calls them a mishmash of their names (like Brangelina) instead of making the effort. I think Grandma thinks it is cute.

 

Hopefully, it will get better as we are around more frequently and maybe she'll figure it out through their voices or something else. I don't want them to grow up and feel bitter about Grandma. Right now, they adore her but they've said several things since the last time they saw her that lets me know it really bothers them. If they see her more often and it doesn't change, they may not feel as close to her. I do understand, and I feel sad for Grandma because she doesn't know that she doesn't know them. When they were babies, I couldn't even tell them apart without looking at their fingernails (painted). Looking back, I have almost no memories of their babyhood specific to each girl, I couldn't tell you what one liked and the other didn't, or how their personalities differed, and it is sad. Even I couldn't really bond with them or get to know them as individual people until I could tell them apart reliably and it would be so sad if our relationship had stayed that shallow.

 

I really like the idea of getting them shirts with their names on them to wear when Grandma comes over. I should get a few and make them wear it every time!!

[OrganicAnn]

My GM would confuse me and my sister and always got our names wrong. We were only a year apart, but she has dark brown curly hair and I have straight blond hair. So..... It is kind of a GM thing.

 

I think because they are twins, you as their mother are probably more sensitive to this type of thing. I think that is only natural for you to be sensitive on this issue. I would let it go as much as possible.

[katilac]

fwiw, it sounds like this isn't the issue with the MIL, as she's unwilling to work with different hairstyles and outfits and such either. At least, as far as I understand face-blindness, recognizing different colors and hairstyles shouldn't be a problem. If that's not true, I'm happy to be educated. :)

 

It seems that people rely on different types of cues. It could be voice, hairstyle, gait, whatever. I can use hairstyles and such to HELP, but if it's only a one-day thing, it's still gonna be a really delayed response as I mentally mutter, "ponytail, ponytail, which one is wearing a ponytail? how did I say it? oh yeah, debra loves pink, pink equals ponytail - Hi, Debra!" :lol:

 

No, I don't know why my mind doesn't just instantly go, "ponytail=debra," but it does not. More to the point, why would anyone think that a grandmother who is loving and giving in so many ways would deliberately 'choose' to not tell them apart? She's earned the benefit of the doubt, that's all I'm saying.

[katilac]

I really like the idea of getting them shirts with their names on them to wear when Grandma comes over. I should get a few and make them wear it every time!!

 

I think the whole WORLD should do this, lol!

 

I think that would be great. It removes the issue entirely.

[Britomart]

No, I don't know why my mind doesn't just instantly go, "ponytail=debra," but it does not. More to the point, why would anyone think that a grandmother who is loving and giving in so many ways would deliberately 'choose' to not tell them apart? She's earned the benefit of the doubt, that's all I'm saying.

 

Well . . . look at it this way. I love my brother and his wife. And by that I mean: I love my brother. I love his wife. I love my-brother-and-his-wife. I have fondness for them both as individuals and as a couple.

 

I think the MIL has a fondness for the twins as a couple. And there's nothing wrong with couple-love. Some units (esp. twins, IMHO!) are terribly adorable. :)

 

But by refusing to learn their names, she's showing them no love as individuals. It'd be like me calling my SIL "Josh" and my brother "Anna" and when they complained saying, "Oh, I just think of you as a pair in my head. Don't be so sensitive!" It would be unreasonable of me.

 

I think MIL's refusal to learn her granddaughters' names is equally unreasonable.

 

Now, of course, telling identical twins apart is harder than telling my brother and sister-in-law apart! No one's saying it isn't. It takes work.

 

And in this case, the MIL isn't willing to do the work. And she (as far as she's said) has nothing that makes the work impossible to her. She's got good vision and all her faculties, and, from what the OP said, is neurotypical. She just refuses to think that it's important.

 

That's like me calling my brother by his wife's name. It's rude.

 

Now, she's a grandma, and she's got couple love for them, and she's a sweet lady . . . so of course you don't destroy the relationship. But I do think you stand your ground and keep working on the, "No, Grandma, my name is Josie." Because they have names, their own names, and they ought to be called by those names by those who love them.

 

 

(btw, she really might not understand why it's important. But that's all the more reason to explain it to her, and to offer to help her learn their names, I think. I'm not saying to destroy the relationship, or be rude in return, or anything other than politely and kindly asking (over and over) how they can help her learn the names. But I do think it's a reasonable request, barring any disability.)

[Alphabetika]

I think this is just going to be one of those "That's the way Grandma is" sort of things. It's the kind of thing that you don't understand but just accept as a quirk in a family member who really isn't trying to be mean or malicious.

 

 

:iagree: My girls aren't twins (obviously, look at their ages in my siggy ;)) but my mom, who lives with us, still mixes up their names. I don't mean to sound snarky or make light of your irritation, but I'd encourage you to be thankful for what your MIL means to your family. You're very blessed!

[silliness7]

DH says we should wait until the girls say something to her but I'm afraid they never will, or if they do, she won't take it seriously. She will openly tell them she can't tell them apart.

 

I wouldn't sweat it. If you live far away and she doesn't see them often this could certainly be part of it. Since you're moving closer perhaps seeing them more often will fix it. problem solved.

 

But if it doesn't I agree with DH let the girls say something. And if she doesn't take them seriously they ought to go all Haley Mills on her. I'm not Susan, I'm Sharon. I have ALWAYS wanted to do that. :D

[Marylou]

I can see both sides of this. I can relate to the identity issue having identical twin girls.

 

If your DDs have names that start with different letters, you might want to try initial necklaces. My girls' Sunday School teacher is very grateful for them!

 

Not sure if anyone has said this yet, but I believe that sometimes people don't put effort into doing something (like learning names) because they fear being wrong. For whatever reason, some folks think it is better not to try than to say the wrong thing :001_huh:. I think more people are like this than we realize.

 

Being gracious is more important (to me) than being right. I don't think your girls will be scarred for life over this.

 

And I don't know how your girls are, but mine definitely don't want their differences (however small) pointed out and discussed in front of others! Some friends in their girls' club did it this year, and they were hurt by it ("wider face" "bigger nose" etc. etc. -- not good)

Edited March 10, 2011 by dmmosher

[dsmith]

I haven't read all the replies, so I don't know if you have added more info... I don't know the age of your mil, and you mentioned that you don't live close. How frequently do you visit each other? She honesly may not be able to tell them apart. I know if it was my mother trying to tell identical twins apart that she only saw a few times a year, she would not be able to. She's in her seventies, but even 10 years ago she wouldn't have been able to. She would make it seem like it wasn't a big deal due to embarrassment. My father could have seen them every day of their lives and not been able to tell them apart. Maybe in his forties or early fifties he could have, but not after that. He also would have made it seem like it wasn't a big deal out of embarrassment.

[lovemyboys]

:iagree:(It would be "our little secret" joke, that we never, ever let on to GM.)

Someday, this will be their special memory of the woman you say adores them.

 

It is kind of odd given their different physical characteristics right now.

 

Maybe you could get them t-shirts with their names on them to wear while with Grandma for a time or two. It might help her think of them as individual when she sees the names like that.

 

I always made a special effort to memorize hair whorls or freckles or whatever helped when we had twin-friends.

 

Good luck, however you decide to deal with it. :001_smile:

[silliness7]

Well . . . look at it this way. I love my brother and his wife. And by that I mean: I love my brother. I love his wife. I love my-brother-and-his-wife. I have fondness for them both as individuals and as a couple.

 

I think the MIL has a fondness for the twins as a couple. And there's nothing wrong with couple-love. Some units (esp. twins, IMHO!) are terribly adorable. :)

 

But by refusing to learn their names, she's showing them no love as individuals. It'd be like me calling my SIL "Josh" and my brother "Anna" and when they complained saying, "Oh, I just think of you as a pair in my head. Don't be so sensitive!" It would be unreasonable of me.

 

I think MIL's refusal to learn her granddaughters' names is equally unreasonable.

 

Now, of course, telling identical twins apart is harder than telling my brother and sister-in-law apart! No one's saying it isn't. It takes work.

 

And in this case, the MIL isn't willing to do the work. And she (as far as she's said) has nothing that makes the work impossible to her. She's got good vision and all her faculties, and, from what the OP said, is neurotypical. She just refuses to think that it's important.

 

That's like me calling my brother by his wife's name. It's rude.

 

Now, she's a grandma, and she's got couple love for them, and she's a sweet lady . . . so of course you don't destroy the relationship. But I do think you stand your ground and keep working on the, "No, Grandma, my name is Josie." Because they have names, their own names, and they ought to be called by those names by those who love them.

 

 

(btw, she really might not understand why it's important. But that's all the more reason to explain it to her, and to offer to help her learn their names, I think. I'm not saying to destroy the relationship, or be rude in return, or anything other than politely and kindly asking (over and over) how they can help her learn the names. But I do think it's a reasonable request, barring any disability.)

 

This is an interesting discussion to read. I don't have twins and never really contemplated the unique needs in raising them.

 

Would it help, especially now that gma will be closer, to have the girls spend time with her individually instead of together. If she spends the day with one of them that's bound to help her form a bond with that girl as an individual rather than it always being the twin unit.

 

My parents are close and will come over and kidnap one for a lunch date or an afternoon or a sleep-over. Of course the kids are all trying to make sure that they get their "fair-share" of dates. :D I'm big fan of one-on-one myself. Divide and conquer.

[Britomart]

This is an interesting discussion to read. I don't have twins and never really contemplated the unique needs in raising them.

 

Would it help, especially now that gma will be closer, to have the girls spend time with her individually instead of together. If she spends the day with one of them that's bound to help her form a bond with that girl as an individual rather than it always being the twin unit.

 

My parents are close and will come over and kidnap one for a lunch date or an afternoon or a sleep-over. Of course the kids are all trying to make sure that they get their "fair-share" of dates. :D I'm big fan of one-on-one myself. Divide and conquer.

 

That's such a good idea! I'll have to remember it as my girls get older.

 

btw, I never thought much about this till I had identical twins. Now, I take it as a sign of triumph that when I do make a mistake, and call one by her sister's name, she won't answer. Actually, neither of them will. I figure it's a good sign. :)

[1GirlTwinBoys]

My mom can't tell my boy's apart and they're almost 7. It doesn't bother me or them at all. You say she's a really good grandma so I wouldn't make her feel bad about this. Is she older??? It's just really hard for some people and not a big deal really. :)

[Mommyfaithe]

:D I would get them name tags...

 

My kids are weird...they would probably start calling her Grandpa...or Aunt Sue until she got the message....not mean, just our weird sense of humor.

 

Faithe

[kitten18]

You said, "She adores the kids and is the most involved, loving, playful grandmother around. "

 

This really is all that matters. Let go of your resentment and be thankful for the love she has for her grandchildren.

 

:iagree:

[In The Great White North]

I'm 47 and still get called my sister's name: by my Dad, other relatives and total strangers (her friends who think they know me) And, yes, I answer to her name also. We're not even identical but could confuse people without even trying. I can't always tell, looking at old pictures, unless I remember who owned which shirt. The twins need to learn to laugh it off - it probably won't end any time soon.

 

I would let it go, or she might decide it's easier to call all of the grandchildren something like "Cutie Pie" or "Honey" instead.