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Daughter wants dad's beard off for wedding


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The kind of facial hair her father has can affect her job? :001_huh:

 

 

Well, looking like a hick from the sticks, rather than the beard. She deals with expensive projects.

 

I don't live in this world, but I know people who do, and the persona you project (along with skill and kissing up and p8ssing down, etc) do impact on who "calls" you and who doesn't.

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Well-groomed facial hair is not dirty, gross, offensive, or comparable to pubic hair.Sorry, to offend you, but it is just a personal connection I make. I didn't say it was dirty, gross, or offensive. It is just what it makes me think of, so I can understand how someone else may have an aversion to it too.

 

 

 

:001_huh:

 

Men don't need to have a reason to let their facial hair grow. Bearded men are not all hiding scars or disfigurement. No man with a beard should be asked what he's trying to hide under there.

 

 

:001_huh:

 

I didn't say he had to have one of these, but it may help her to understand why he is may not want to shave it off, if he does.

 

The suggestion that maybe the photographer could photoshop his facial hair away so she doesn't have to see it on her living room wall??

 

:001_huh: :001_huh: :001_huh:

 

 

 

I was just thinking of a way that she could make it work for her. I have friends who were pickier about the photos than any other part of the wedding. The photoshop abilties of the photographers, were just as important to them as the skill involved with taking the photo. I am not sayigng that she should do it, but if it bugged her that much, she may want to think about the options available with photoshop.

 

I know many people who have altered wedding photos. Smoothed some wrinkles, flattened some bulges, brightened teeth...whatever was important to them. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but it is done. I also know that some photographers spend as much time retouching photos as they did taking them in the first place. Most of the famlily members are never, ever aware of the retouches, and they just think they looked 'that good' at 'that moment'.

Edited by Tap, tap, tap
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The kind of facial hair her father has can affect her job?

 

Well, looking like a hick from the sticks, rather than the beard. She deals with expensive projects.

 

I don't live in this world, but I know people who do, and the persona you project (along with skill and kissing up and p8ssing down, etc) do impact on who "calls" you and who doesn't.

 

It sounds like stuff I've only seen on television. I can't imagine real people like that!

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It sounds like stuff I've only seen on television. I can't imagine real people like that!

 

Well, even in the little town I grew up in, there was a certain something you had to project to be invited to join the country club. The cc was not full of professors (which is what my father was) but rather the most successful insurance agents who drove Lincolns and had a big boat for skiing parties. "The business community" does sort of expect you to drive a late model car, dress in nice stuff and have an expensive watch. I think it all rather human.

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What say the Miss Manners of the board?

 

Honestly, Kay, I think it is insensitive of a woman to tell her dad that a perfectly common style of facial hair is unacceptable. It's a neatly kept goatee, for heaven's sake, not a scraggly, long full beard and a handlebar mustache.

 

I suppose there is something to the fact that she's trying to remove herself from her past, but I think she's worried for nothing. Your husband was casually dressed when I met him and yet a less-than-proper upbringing never occurred to me. It will certainly not be in the minds of her guests when he is dressed for a wedding.

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20 something daughter of hubby is having a rather fancy wedding and would like hubby's "it took me years to get it right" goatee and mustache off. It is salt and pepper and is flattering on him, but it makes him look more blue collar or country than if he were clean shaven (he is blue collar and country, and daughter is not). She thinks the hair makes him look "so old", but I have warned her he now has a waddle hiding under there.

 

 

What say the Miss Manners of the board?

 

I say no.

I'd style my hair for a wedding. But something permanent -- like cut it all off? No thanks. Is there a compromise that could be worked out to "style" the mustache differently?

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Your husband was casually dressed when I met him and yet a less-than-proper upbringing never occurred to me. It will certainly not be in the minds of her guests when he is dressed for a wedding.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol: That day at your house is actually one of my favorite stories about hiim. When you asked what kind of wine he liked and he said "The kind that tastes like fruit", was that not a TINY hint he had a less-than-elite upbringing?

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I don't think she should expect him or even ask him to shave his beard. Personally I didn't ask anyone to wear (or shave) anything in particular for my wedding party. It's a time to celebrate, not to pick about details, IMO.

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Perhaps you could get her to explore some of the reasons why she wants her Dad to change for the wedding? If it is so he will "look better" for the picture, she should also realize that years from now he will not "look real" to her. He will not resemble the mental picture she has of him since he is always bearded.

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I think it is absolutely obnoxious of her to ask him to do that. I think it is condescending and, in essence, saying "you, my father, are not good enough the way you are." She might as well have said, "I'm ashamed of your looks."

 

I'm sick to death of brides-to-be who think that "their special day" gives them licence to be cruel little b!tch*s.

 

YMMV, and yada yada.

 

:iagree::iagree:

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Wow, I cannot even imagine worrying about what people thought about how my dad's hair. And looking blue collar is not a bad thing. Some people actually make a living working with their hands. I doubt he would show up with duckies work pants lol.

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:lol::lol::lol::lol: That day at your house is actually one of my favorite stories about hiim. When you asked what kind of wine he liked and he said "The kind that tastes like fruit", was that not a TINY hint he had a less-than-elite upbringing?

 

:D

Maybe it says something about my upbringing that I wasn't phased by his question.

And it *was* fruity. And very good. Didn't we each have more than one glass?

 

Oh, that was fun. We should do it again.

Edited by Crissy
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Weddings are only one day, and it's not her face or her fiance's face. :) (thank goodness it's not her face. we were at a restaurant the other day and our waitress apparently did shave)

 

Way OT.... But. That always makes me want to pull the lady aside & explain the beauty of waxing to her. My dad's sisters (he has 7) all tend to the hairy side & most of them shave. Only one of them is of the waxing persuasion. I'm glad my mom taught me how to handle that potential problem. Never, never, never shave facial hair!

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tough one this.

 

When we got married we wanted all the guys in tails. Everyone looked great. Except my Dad who refused, and wore a very casual suit. It REALLY ****** me off at the time. But I never said anything to him.

 

I still wish he hadn't done it, but really...it didn't affect the day at all, at least he was happier wearing what he wanted.

 

I would suggest that you dd just bite her tongue on this one. It really wont matter in the end.

 

I feel this situation is different. Your Dad could have put the tux on and taken it off when it's over. Kal's dh could not grow the goatee back that fast. AND I personally think that it is bordering on insult to request changing someone's appearance - not clothes. It's different IMHO than asking someone to wear something specific - that does not mean cutting something off their bodies.

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Funny how this has been on my mind all day. I think that the Father of the Bride should be able to come as he is. The bride is learning a valuable pre-marriage lesson that's something along the lines of "You can't change, train, or dress up your father or husband. It's accept him as he is today or walk away. ."

 

Obviously she's embarrassed by her father's appearance and concerned how she might be perceived by her friends because of him. Perhaps she's getting pressure from hubby-to-be to "clean up" her side of the family and to make her look more presentable to his family? Again, it's accept each other as you are today or walk away.

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I would have been happy for my daddy to walk me down the isle wearing jeans. He died when I was 14 and if I could I would have shaved my own head to have him there for that day. I cannot imagine what type of woman would treat her father that way how cruel. If my daughter ever behaved in that manner me or her father would not go and we sure as heck would not pay any part of it either. I would feel ashamed of my own child for even thinking it. He put food in her belly, clothes on her back and took care of her. I would be so ashamed. Her father would be too, she never cared where that 5,000 came from putting braces on her teeth why should she not be proud of having a father who worked for her?

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Um. No.

 

Asking an adult to change their hairstyle for wedding pictures is over the top, IMO.

 

:iagree: When I got married my police officer brother was working undercover. I didn't get to ask him to shave and cut his hair. The important thing is having him there, not what he looks like. She needs to get over it.

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:ack2:

 

:lol:

 

I think he's adorable. I mean, he's so very young, but adorable.

 

I grew up around a lot of men with beards. Granola crunchies, Grateful Dead concerts, hikers and campers. You can't shave every day when you're camping and climbing, you know? So I love it. And when I can convince Dh to grow his out? *swoon*

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Well, I know this is the dd's special day, but I believe her father should come as he is.

 

She loves her father and the beard shouldn't be a tie breaker of that love. So, even though she may aspire to fame and fortune, I would hope she would respect that her father is not that.

 

Frankly I could care less if someone has a lot of money or none. I used to work with and visit a woman (years ago) who lived in a trailer. And, a few years ago I used to socialize (for a season) with a woman who lived in the $million dollar house range....and that could have been a starting point. No, I'm not impressed with money and when one mentions it I usually back away.

 

FWIw, it is not uncommon for the millionaires of the world to shop at Goodwill or such. I heard this on a program. I forget the reasoning, but I thought it was interesting. Hey, I'll never know when I'll run into one when I'm shopping there. :tongue_smilie:

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I can see her asking him to wear a certain color tie, or even detail his attire down to the cuff links. But his beard? Something that sounds, from your description, flattering and well manicured? Don't give in to that. Let her fry bigger fish.

 

He hasn't asked her to change her hair style so he won't be embarrassed to be in the pics with her, has he? I think that degree of micromanaging things is just taking it too far.

 

YOU are the one who lives with him, and has to look at him every day! How do YOU like it, kalanamak? That would be the direction to "sway," IMO. :lol:

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So, there is a successful young lady entrapped in a world where she did not grow up, where appearances and "presentability" are quite important factors and where she wishes to associate with ways and culture of people quite different than the ones among whom she grew up - a typical nouveau riche syndrome. She did not choose who she was born, but she does choose whom to associate with and how to organize her life - and her choices are perfectly legitimate ones, whether or not we agree with them (even if she associates with utter snobs, it is still quite a different situation than, say, associating with criminals). It is her right to make that choice, to redefine her values and to decide that certain appearances or behaviors bear connotations she does not wish to associate with any longer in a more ceremonial context.

 

On the other hand, though, how far she is ready to go? She cannot change other people or request they change to "suit" her - people are not fashion accessories, and there is a neat difference between asking somebody to adjust his outfit a bit to the situation - and asking them to modify a more permanent quality... She can ask if it is really important to her (whether she should ask is another question - that largely depends on the person), but, likewise, he has every right to refuse. Then it is up to her to solve the "presentability" problem and decide what or who bears more importance for her.

 

I have to admit, though, that I would find it a bit childish to insist. To ask, politely, maybe - but to insist or ask again after the request was originally tactfully ignored, no. If it is a hill to die on for her, if he is not "good enough" even as he is, she should not invite him at all to share that moment of her life - and at the end of the day, he deserves better in that case. It is a huge price to pay, though, if she can go that far.

Edited by Ester Maria
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My hic father in law once cost dh a job. His dad decided to show up at the new workplace, dh was inside and negotiating the contract, his dad went in and this was what happened: He had not shaved, he had not showered, he had been working on a car in 90 degree weather so he was really sweaty and had grease on his pants, a very out of style western, pearl snap men's shirts from the 70's (usually orange, burt umber, or bright red) that he loved so much. He was smoking in the lobby basically underneath the no smoking sign and hassling the receptionist about taking his cigarette outside. The vice-president and dh came out of the office to head down to the HR department and the VP spied Mr. Nasty looking and smoking where he wasn't supposed to be, reclining against the wall. He sized him up, asked who he was, and when he found out Dh was his son, looked at DH and said, "I'm sorry. I've changed my mind. You will not fit in here." End of job.

 

No apologies from hic fil. Sometimes, unfortunately, those kinds of impressions do matter when one is trying to get a job and there are a lot of applicants for the position.

 

Sigh, on the surface, she shouldn't have asked this of her dad. Then again, if she has clients, co-workers, bosses, etc. attending the wedding, I can understand that she feels like she has to "put on a show" if that's the kind of people she works with...crazy world.

 

Faith

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One thing that I haven't seen mentioned yet is if the bride to be grew up with and has formed most of her memories with her dad clean shaven then it could very well be an emotionally based request. This happened to dh when his brother got married. In fact, it was a huge deal. He had only had the beard a year and he really liked it and I loved it. BTW, he has nothing to hide with his beard. He is hot either way. I just love how manly and mature it looks! There was a bit of a power struggle and dh said no. Looking back I wish 1. he would have trimmed it to look more "acceptable" to his family. He actually prefers is shorter now,and I think they would have been happier if he would have worn it this way then. Or, 2. I wish he would have shaved for them. They were good sports when the wedding day came, but it would have meant a lot to them. Hindsight and all that, you know. :001_smile:

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My hic father in law once cost dh a job. His dad decided to show up at the new workplace, dh was inside and negotiating the contract, his dad went in and this was what happened: He had not shaved, he had not showered, he had been working on a car in 90 degree weather so he was really sweaty and had grease on his pants, a very out of style western, pearl snap men's shirts from the 70's (usually orange, burt umber, or bright red) that he loved so much. He was smoking in the lobby basically underneath the no smoking sign and hassling the receptionist about taking his cigarette outside. The vice-president and dh came out of the office to head down to the HR department and the VP spied Mr. Nasty looking and smoking where he wasn't supposed to be, reclining against the wall. He sized him up, asked who he was, and when he found out Dh was his son, looked at DH and said, "I'm sorry. I've changed my mind. You will not fit in here." End of job.

 

No apologies from hic fil. Sometimes, unfortunately, those kinds of impressions do matter when one is trying to get a job and there are a lot of applicants for the position.

 

 

 

No such worries with regard to Mr. Kalanamak, I assure you.

He is a perfect gentleman who, when I welcomed him into my home, seemed comfortable among the various personalities in attendance.

Of course, I don't know if he *felt* comfortable, but he certainly doesn't strike me as someone who would appear out of place or embarrass someone in a formal situation.

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Crissy, I didn't mean to imply that the OP's husband would not fit in or would be inappropriate in anyway. It's just that someone in a post a couple of pages back hinted that there really wasn't any way that a father's negative appearance (from the viewpoint of superficial people) could make a difference in getting a job or not getting a job. Since it had happened to us, I thought I would relate that, unfortunately, some people do work in high powered places with people who have their heads up their behinds and do judge people by their relatives appearance or actions.

 

Again, I did not mean to imply that Mr. Kalamanak would ever embarass his daughter in this manner. I just meant to indicate that unfortunately, those kinds of impressions do count under some circumstances. I'm sure Mr. K will look smashing in his tux - the debonaire gentleman!

 

Faith

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He sized him up, asked who he was, and when he found out Dh was his son, looked at DH and said, "I'm sorry. I've changed my mind. You will not fit in here." End of job.

 

 

In this situation, the boss who fired your dh was every bit as in the wrong as your FIL was.

 

Tara

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No such worries with regard to Mr. Kalanamak, I assure you.

He is a perfect gentleman who, when I welcomed him into my home, seemed comfortable among the various personalities in attendance.

Of course, I don't know if he *felt* comfortable, but he certainly doesn't strike me as someone who would appear out of place or embarrass someone in a formal situation.

 

Well, he would have to be forewarned to use the outside fork first, and let it go with the first plate.

 

Hubby loves people. He doesn't even notice if they are snobs or a little strange (not that we were :D). Another favorite moment, when he was about 10 years younger and 30 lbs lighter, was coming around a corner at a baby's birthday, and hearing a tipsy woman in her 70s purr to him that he really "ought to model underwear".

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If she asked politely (and I were a man with a beard) I consider shaving for my baby girl's wedding. If she went all Bridezilla on me and demanded it, I'd be showing up full Grizzly Adams. It's all about the approach and the heart behind it.

 

From what you have described, I see no harm in classing it up a bit and I bet it will go a long way toward improving their relationship. At least she will know he's trying.

 

Does she have a right to insist on it - no, it's his personal choice. And it sounds like this is a request, not a demand. Since this is his baby girl, and he is being honored despite a slightly rocky relationship, why not make this extra gesture to show her he cares about her?

 

Furthermore, even his own wife doesn't care for the beard! I say go the extra mile and totally humor her, have her pick a place out there that she trusts and have them give him a shave and a nice hair cut.

 

However, if he absolutely refuses, as is his right, I would just let it be and stay out of it. I know my Dad wouldn't do anything like that for me, ever. And honestly, that might be what she will feel as well. If he's fine with that, then no problem.

Edited by RanchGirl
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I would go with what the bride wants. When baby sis got married (similar to your dh's dd), she made me an appointment to get my hair done. When I got there, I found out she had told the hairdresser that she wanted my hair colored (so it wouldn't be gray.) :glare: Whatever. It was a pain though because though it was supposed to be a temporary rinse, my hair is so porous, it lasted as long as a permanent one. :glare: If I had known that, I would have said no, but thinking it was temporary, I went along. I'd nudge dh if I were you.

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FWIw, it is not uncommon for the millionaires of the world to shop at Goodwill or such. I heard this on a program. I forget the reasoning, but I thought it was interesting. Hey, I'll never know when I'll run into one when I'm shopping there. :tongue_smilie:

OT...The way I heard it was...the rich spend their money, but the wealthy save it. The rich being those who appear to have it all, in terms of possessions, and the wealthy who actually do have it all--financially.

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Furthermore, even his own wife doesn't care for the beard! I say go the extra mile and totally humor her, have her pick a place out there that she trusts and have them give him a shave and a nice hair cut.

I must have missed the part where she said she didn't like his beard. :confused:

20 something daughter of hubby is having a rather fancy wedding and would like hubby's "it took me years to get it right" goatee and mustache off. It is salt and pepper and is flattering on him, but it makes him look more blue collar or country than if he were clean shaven (he is blue collar and country, and daughter is not). She thinks the hair makes him look "so old", but I have warned her he now has a waddle hiding under there.
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