Need help with a punishment

[aggieamy]

So tonight while reading a book I noticed that my step-daughter had drawn with a marker all over the bottom of the top bunk. (She's on the bottom bunk so she must have just laid in bed and written all over it with a marker.) I'm furious. DH has known about it for awhile but didn't tell me which makes me angry also. He simply has told her not to do that again which I don't feel is appropriate because she's done similar things in the past and knows better. I'm thinking about taking away all drawing/coloring items for a certain amount of time. She loves to color and this feels harsh to me but she has colored on things she shouldn't have before and knows not to do this. How long should I take the colors away for? Any other punishment that would be more effective?

[ktgrok]

Get her a magic eraser and make her clean it off.

 

Katie

[Joker]

I'm not going to have any real words of wisdom. I would be upset if my dh knew and just told her not to do it again but I wouldn't add anything to it. I would talk to my dh so we were on the same page if there is a next time. There would be a punishment then but not this time since it appeared to have already been handled.

Edited March 5, 2011 by Horton

[fairfarmhand]

Get her a magic eraser and make her clean it off.

 

Katie

:iagree:

[gardening momma]

Are markers normally allowed in her room? Maybe keep them in a place where only you can reach, and she has to ask for them, and use them in your presence. This isn't so much a punishment, but a preventative measure and "re-training" of where markers belong and what we use them on.

[jenn-]

Unfortunately the time for a punishment like you are talking about has passed for a 6 yo. At this point I would just find a Magic Eraser and make her try to clean it up. I wish I could say they eventually learn their lesson, but considering I just had to paint a door frame from my 10 yo's doing, I wouldn't hold your breath.

 

ETA: At least she used marker on the bunk bed and can probably be cleaned. One of my son's managed to etch his name into his 25 yo wooden bunkbed with a hanger he found. He was nice enough to write his name so we knew without a doubt who did it (he also managed to do etch his closet door twice during the same time).

Edited March 5, 2011 by jenn-

[silliness7]

Doesn't sound harsh to me. I've banned markers from everyone in my house because those who *do* know better than to color on the walls apparently don't know better to keep them out of the reach of those who *don't.* :angry:

[myfunnybunch]

I would be upset but if my dh knew and just told her not to do it again but I wouldn't add anything to it. I would talk to my dh so we were on the same page if there is a next time. There would be a punishment then but not this time since it appeared to have already been handled.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

Your dh already handled this, so your dd should not be punished. He may not have handled it the way you would have, but it is unfair to her to be punished for something that has already been resolved with her dad.

 

This is *doubly* important because she is your stepchild...it shouldn't matter, but writing as an experienced stepmom, it really does matter. You imposing a consequence now for something her dad has talked to her about will damage your relationship with her and demonstrate to her that you and your dh are not parenting on the same page. It is far more important that she not learn that you can be divided on discipline than it is to deal with the drawing on the bed.

 

I'd just matter-of-factly say, "I noticed the marker on your bed. Let me show you how you can clean that up. "Give her a Magic Eraser and show her how to use it to clean up the marker. Help her if she needs help. Scrubbing marker instead of playing should be enough of a natural consequence.

 

The issue really needs to be addressed with your dh, regarding communication and staying on the same page. Your dh really really needs to understand that if your children realize that the two of you can be divided, you are in for a bumpy road. That means that he needs to communicate with you AND that you need to listen to him in regards to discipline with your stepdd especially. (Again, voice of experience here. I am much stricter than my dh, and I wish I'd learned sooner to make sure that "being on the same page" didn't always mean my page. ;) ) It's important that both of your children understand that the rules are the same for everyone, and everyone (Mom and Dad included) understand the consequences for certain behavior.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[specialmama]

My favourite memory from age 8 to 14 is our pool table. I'd crawl under it and write funny things or draw pictures on the under side of it. My friends would come over and add their autograph. :tongue_smilie: I loved it. It was a taste of the forbidden... but my parents allowed it. I always felt like I was so lucky to get to do this. Nobody else could see it, so my parents just smiled and let me claim that one spot as mine.

 

In the grand scheme of things, I think writing on the underside of a bunkbed is fairly benign. The natural consequence should be that she always gets the bottom bunk now. Her artwork has indeed created a very cozy and personalized place for her and her alone. I bet it will help her feel like she belongs. We all need a place to belong. Oh, and maybe pop a pad of paper under her pillow. ;)

[myfunnybunch]

One of my son's managed to etch his name into his 25 yo wooden bunkbed with a hanger he found. He was nice enough to write his name so we knew without a doubt who did it

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

A couple years ago my then 6 y.o. ds wrote on his wall very neatly, with a Sharpie, "Tolly loves Mom."

 

:glare: :001_wub:

 

I told him if he'd written anything else, he'd have been in big trouble. But given the message, it can stay. He just has to help me paint if we decide to sell the house.

 

Cat

[Aggie]

 

ETA: At least she used marker on the bunk bed and can probably be cleaned. One of my son's managed to etch his name into his 25 yo wooden bunkbed with a hanger he found. He was nice enough to write his name so we knew without a doubt who did it (he also managed to do etch his closet door twice during the same time).

:lol:

 

When I was 5, the house we lived in had previous owners whose kids had carved their names into the wall in the basement. Thinking that was a great idea, I carved my name into a door frame on the main floor. I remember my mother gasping when she saw my art.:lol: Just markin' my territory, I guess.:D

 

 

Amy, I would just keep the markers away from her. IMO, markers aren't a right, they are a privilege for those who know when, how, and where to use them.

 

It might not have bothered your dh this time, but when she takes a sharpie to one of his prized possessions, he might not be so calm about it.

[gardening momma]

:lol:

 

When I was 5, the house we lived in had previous owners whose kids had carved their names into the wall in the basement. Thinking that was a great idea, I carved my name into a door frame on the main floor. I remember my mother gasping when she saw my art.:lol: Just markin' my territory, I guess.:D

 

 

Amy, I would just keep the markers away from her. IMO, markers aren't a right, they are a privilege for those who know when, how, and where to use them.

 

It might not have bothered your dh this time, but when she takes a sharpie to one of his prized possessions, he might not be so calm about it.

Talk about bringing back memories, and someone writing on your stuff... my younger sister used to write my name on my stuff. Not only did I not want her handwriting on my things, but it was usually something that didn't need a name to know whose it was. :glare:

[Haiku]

In the grand scheme of things, I think writing on the underside of a bunkbed is fairly benign.

 

:iagree:

 

And, your dh didn't impose a consequence.

 

AND, she's your stepdaughter.

 

I vote that you let it go.

 

Tara

[Miss Sherry]

My favourite memory from age 8 to 14 is our pool table. I'd crawl under it and write funny things or draw pictures on the under side of it. My friends would come over and add their autograph. :tongue_smilie: I loved it. It was a taste of the forbidden... but my parents allowed it. I always felt like I was so lucky to get to do this. Nobody else could see it, so my parents just smiled and let me claim that one spot as mine.

 

In the grand scheme of things, I think writing on the underside of a bunkbed is fairly benign. The natural consequence should be that she always gets the bottom bunk now. Her artwork has indeed created a very cozy and personalized place for her and her alone. I bet it will help her feel like she belongs. We all need a place to belong. Oh, and maybe pop a pad of paper under her pillow. ;)

My children did something similar on the underside of an old coffee table we used to have. I didn't even know about it until years later. :lol::lol: The underside of the coffee table was not something I ever looked at. So I figure since they were not damaging other things, really, what's the big deal.

In the big scheme of things, writing on the under side of a bunk bed is such a small thing.

I think you (the op) need to get over being so angry about it. Your relationship with your dh and step daughter is not worth damaging over this. Honestly, the fact that you are very angry about this is more of an issue than the writing on the bed is, imho.

[katemary63]

I think it's a pretty fun place to be able to doodle. Put up some sort of surface, (cork?) under there and let her decorate it. Or paint it and then let her add her own swirls, hand prints and stuff to make it her own. Think about how she would feel about you if the two of you brainstormed together to figure out some really fun permissable way for her to be able to "decorate" or be creative on the underside of her bunk bed when ever she wanted!

[LittleIzumi]

Dd used to have to clean it with a Magic Eraser & would lose drawing privileges for a while. She still gets that for drawing on anything outside of her room. That is NOT. PERMITTED. However, I gave in on her room :lol:. I told her I am not going to paint it or decorate it myself, because there's no point. She gets to self-decorate it. She is an extremely artsy girl. I got mad at the room drawing the first couple of times, but she would do it again pretty much the moment she got crayons back. I gave in when she did a large mural of herself pretending to be a boy so she could be a knight (completely with multiple riding pictures). There is now also a large (child-size) insect, a mural about Harold & The Purple Crayon, a lot of writing & numbers, etc. Her lightswitch is purple too (I don't even know how she got purple crayon to stick on a lightswitch). She wants to decorate her room, fine. Saves me the trouble of painting it :tongue_smilie:. But no drawing outside of her room is allowed and that brings instant removal of drawing privileges & implements for days and if I have a Magic Eraser she has to clean it. She has only tried that once in probably the last year, and it stopped within seconds (I caught her). I think her room as an outlet channels all that decorating urge more appropriately (although I know in many houses that would not be considered an option). She already spends a large portion of most days drawing & coloring & painting on paper.

[Miss Sherry]

I think it's a pretty fun place to be able to doodle. Put up some sort of surface, (cork?) under there and let her decorate it. Or paint it and then let her add her own swirls, hand prints and stuff to make it her own. Think about how she would feel about you if the two of you brainstormed together to figure out some really fun permissable way for her to be able to "decorate" or be creative on the underside of her bunk bed when ever she wanted!

:iagree:Good idea. Do what you can to build up the relationships in your family, not tear them down by being furious. Surely you can find something, such as some type of board to put some kind of drawing paper on, to put on the underside of the bunk bed.

[sewingmama]

Dd used to have to clean it with a Magic Eraser & would lose drawing privileges for a while. She still gets that for drawing on anything outside of her room. That is NOT. PERMITTED. However, I gave in on her room :lol:. I told her I am not going to paint it or decorate it myself, because there's no point. She gets to self-decorate it. She is an extremely artsy girl. I got mad at the room drawing the first couple of times, but she would do it again pretty much the moment she got crayons back. I gave in when she did a large mural of herself pretending to be a boy so she could be a knight (completely with multiple riding pictures). There is now also a large (child-size) insect, a mural about Harold & The Purple Crayon, a lot of writing & numbers, etc. Her lightswitch is purple too (I don't even know how she got purple crayon to stick on a lightswitch). She wants to decorate her room, fine. Saves me the trouble of painting it :tongue_smilie:. But no drawing outside of her room is allowed and that brings instant removal of drawing privileges & implements for days and if I have a Magic Eraser she has to clean it. She has only tried that once in probably the last year, and it stopped within seconds (I caught her). I think her room as an outlet channels all that decorating urge more appropriately (although I know in many houses that would not be considered an option). She already spends a large portion of most days drawing & coloring & painting on paper.

 

 

 

 

Aww what a great mum you are. Your DD sounds so much like my own 4yo - she crafts, paints and draws from the moment she gets up and when she goes to bed I often find her asleep with some art/craft book beside her :D

 

Unfortunately for us we live in a rental so I cannot allow wall drawing at all. If I let my kids do it anywhere they take it as permission to also draw all over everything else as well. I tell you I should own stock in the Magic Eraser company - they are a permanent item on my shopping list :glare:

 

In OP's situation I would just take the markers and not let her have them without permission again. If I paid money for something then the kids do not have a right to destroy it -not in the name of free expression - and not even in a place I can't see. I guess I view it as part and parcel of learning to take care of your things. There are appropriate places to draw and furniture is not one of them.

 

I do admit that if I was left a little love note on the wall or my kid made an especially cute drawing I would leave it up at least till the next house inspection when I HAVE to wash it off :001_wub:

Edited March 5, 2011 by sewingmama

[jld]

In the big scheme of things, writing on the under side of a bunk bed is such a small thing.

I think you (the op) need to get over being so angry about it. Your relationship with your dh and step daughter is not worth damaging over this. Honestly, the fact that you are very angry about this is more of an issue than the writing on the bed is, imho.

 

I totally agree, but I don't think the op has any children of her own, so she doesn't have a reference.

 

Please don't take away the things she loves, especially when it's not your own child.

 

Please see #3 on this article: http://www.ehow.com/how_2359142_treat-stepchild-respect.html or #3 on this one: http://thehappystepmother.blogspot.com/2010/06/10-parenting-tips-every-stepmom-must.html

Edited March 5, 2011 by jld

[Laura Corin]

Are markers normally allowed in her room? Maybe keep them in a place where only you can reach, and she has to ask for them, and use them in your presence. This isn't so much a punishment, but a preventative measure and "re-training" of where markers belong and what we use them on.

 

I would probably get her to help clean the marks off too.

 

Laura

[Danestress]

Try to let that go. It doesn't "mean" anything that I probably don't tell my husband everything the children do wrong. Drawing on the bunk seems like a small wrong to me. It's not good, but it's not dangerous. I would tell him something he needs to know about for safety or fairness or just because ..... kid is poking dog in the eye, having screaming fits, broke a window. Drawing on a bunk in't a huge thing, and I wouldn't necessarily even think to tell DH. I might, or I might not. He has a busy life and doesn't need a point by point on every mistake our children make, you know? All that to say, don't be offended or think he somehow was deceptive. In my mind, not telling just means he didn't think to tell you.

[Garga]

I agree with:

 

1. Letting DH's way of handling it stand. I would not go behind him and start implementing punishments. Too divisive for everyone.

 

2. Saying cheerily, "We need to clean off the markers from the furniture! Here's your eraser!" She probably won't have the elbow grease to get much done, but I'd make her work at it for awhile.

 

3. Keeping the markers close at hand and monitoring their use.

 

 

You might want to have a conversation with DH about why you're upset to avoid these miscommunications in the future.

[Garga]

Try to let that go. It doesn't "mean" anything that I probably don't tell my husband everything the children do wrong. Drawing on the bunk seems like a small wrong to me. It's not good, but it's not dangerous. I would tell him something he needs to know about for safety or fairness or just because ..... kid is poking dog in the eye, having screaming fits, broke a window. Drawing on a bunk in't a huge thing, and I wouldn't necessarily even think to tell DH. I might, or I might not. He has a busy life and doesn't need a point by point on every mistake our children make, you know? All that to say, don't be offended or think he somehow was deceptive. In my mind, not telling just means he didn't think to tell you.

 

We posted at the same time: I also agree with this post. There are tons of things that happen in the day that I choose to handle or let go, but I don't report on every little thing to my dh. There are things that he would probably handle differently, but I'm the one who is there at the time, so I'm the one that makes the call.

 

Same for when he's the one that's there. He makes the call.

[Joanne]

I agree with:

 

1. Letting DH's way of handling it stand. I would not go behind him and start implementing punishments. Too divisive for everyone.

 

2. Saying cheerily, "We need to clean off the markers from the furniture! Here's your eraser!" She probably won't have the elbow grease to get much done, but I'd make her work at it for awhile.

 

3. Keeping the markers close at hand and monitoring their use.

 

 

You might want to have a conversation with DH about why you're upset to avoid these miscommunications in the future.

 

I agree with this and several similar posts. I'll add that some kids are simply more prone to coloring/arting inappropriately than others, even school age.

[elegantlion]

My favourite memory from age 8 to 14 is our pool table. I'd crawl under it and write funny things or draw pictures on the under side of it. My friends would come over and add their autograph. :tongue_smilie: I loved it. It was a taste of the forbidden... but my parents allowed it. I always felt like I was so lucky to get to do this. Nobody else could see it, so my parents just smiled and let me claim that one spot as mine.

 

In the grand scheme of things, I think writing on the underside of a bunkbed is fairly benign. The natural consequence should be that she always gets the bottom bunk now. Her artwork has indeed created a very cozy and personalized place for her and her alone. I bet it will help her feel like she belongs. We all need a place to belong. Oh, and maybe pop a pad of paper under her pillow. ;)

 

:iagree: 6 year olds and flat surfaces are an open invitation (in their eyes) to decorating. We have a coffee table and our old classroom table that were decorated by ds on the underside.

 

They grow up so quickly and there are many days I wish we could go back to sheer joy of writing on something you're not supposed to.

 

Of course guidelines about where you're allowed to write are good. But I also agree that looking up in bed to see your own drawing has to be more interesting than a plain surface.

[Mom0012]

I would be mad too, but I remember my very sweet, compliant little daughter doing that a few times. Maybe she was a little younger, though. I really can't remember. I got so upset with her and then I regretted it. She wasn't meaning to be naughty. She seemed to just do it without thinking.

 

I remember once my parents bought her this large piggy bank and she scribbled all over it with brown crayon or marker. I couldn't believe it because she had wanted that pig so badly. Later, I realized she thought she was making it more beautiful.

 

I think a good consequence would be taking her markers/crayons away for awhile and only allowing her to use them under your supervision.

 

Lisa

Edited March 5, 2011 by LisaTheresa

[Mom0012]

I totally agree, but I don't think the op has any children of her own, so she doesn't have a reference.

 

Please don't take away the things she loves, especially when it's not your own child.

 

Please see #3 on this article: http://www.ehow.com/how_2359142_treat-stepchild-respect.html or #3 on this one: http://thehappystepmother.blogspot.com/2010/06/10-parenting-tips-every-stepmom-must.html

 

I think this is pretty insensitive. I don't think the OP sounds overly angry or like she is overreacting. She sounds very reasonable about it and like she's concerned about being too harsh. It seems like the word stepmother just automatically leads to certain assumptions. I am a stepmother myself. I often wonder why women who are so loving and open-hearted as to take on the care for someone else's child are often assumed to have bad intentions?? Or why it is believed that they shouldn't have a voice in their own homes because the child isn't "theirs"? I especially find it offensive that you think the OP should read about "Knowing Her Place" in the articles you linked.

 

How would you feel if you asked about how to deal with an issue with your child and someone linked a bunch of parenting articles for you on how to be a proper parent?

 

Lisa

Edited March 5, 2011 by LisaTheresa

[Teachin'Mine]

I'd work with her to clean off the marker. Then, in another week or so, if you want to build bridges :) I'd consider putting up a white board right there with velcroed (is that a word) washable erase board markers. Maybe limit it to one or two markers maximum at a time so they don't end up in the bed.

[Peela]

I'm not going to have any real words of wisdom. I would be upset if my dh knew and just told her not to do it again but I wouldn't add anything to it. I would talk to my dh so we were on the same page if there is a next time. There would be a punishment then but not this time since it appeared to have already been handled.

 

I agree with:

 

1. Letting DH's way of handling it stand. I would not go behind him and start implementing punishments. Too divisive for everyone.

 

2. Saying cheerily, "We need to clean off the markers from the furniture! Here's your eraser!" She probably won't have the elbow grease to get much done, but I'd make her work at it for awhile.

 

3. Keeping the markers close at hand and monitoring their use.

 

 

You might want to have a conversation with DH about why you're upset to avoid these miscommunications in the future.

 

:iagree:

And...she's 6. Its a bunk bed. In the big scheme of things...its not worth getting upset about for long (although I understand its annoying). When she's 16 and goes away for the weekend without telling you where she's gone....you can get really upset :)

[fairytalemama]

Get her a magic eraser and make her clean it off.

 

Katie

 

Are markers normally allowed in her room? Maybe keep them in a place where only you can reach, and she has to ask for them, and use them in your presence. This isn't so much a punishment, but a preventative measure and "re-training" of where markers belong and what we use them on.

 

I have had this problem more than once with my daughter. First of all, get on the same page with your dh. If you guys agree that this time has already been handled, talk to her about what's going to happen if she does it again.

 

My daughter has written with both marker and crayon on a little bit of everything in our house over the last 3 years. Each time I made her help me clean it off and then she was placed on "marker (or crayon) ban" for a couple of days.

[jld]

I think this is pretty insensitive. I don't think the OP sounds overly angry or like she is overreacting. She sounds very reasonable about it and like she's concerned about being too harsh. It seems like the word stepmother just automatically leads to certain assumptions. I am a stepmother myself. I often wonder why women who are so loving and open-hearted as to take on the care for someone else's child are often assumed to have bad intentions?? Or why it is believed that they shouldn't have a voice in their own homes because the child isn't "theirs"? I especially find it offensive that you think the OP should read about "Knowing Her Place" in the articles you linked.

 

How would you feel if you asked about how to deal with an issue with your child and someone linked a bunch of parenting articles for you on how to be a proper parent?

 

Lisa

 

My first thought was to protect the child, Lisa. I think it's really important to protect the most vulnerable person.

 

If the little girl loves writing implements, and uses them often, I think it would be unkind to take them away. I agree with everyone who says to supervise the use. I just don't think it is kind or helpful to the relationship to "ban" them, for any amount of time.

 

Am I a bleeding heart? Yes.

 

I'm going on my 4th 6 year old (ds5 in June), and we have all kinds of written on surfaces around here. It just comes with the territory, I think. It's not illegal, immoral, or unhealthy, and no one has died from it. I agree that it can be unsightly. Just not a big deal in the whole life scheme of things, you know?

 

I thought the articles were good. I think it's good to link articles, especially mainstream ones, as they can instruct in a more neutral, science-based way (I don't know if those articles were both mainstream, and I think one may have just been a blog post. Nevertheless, they reflect common thinking on the role of stepparents). I posted a year ago about my son not wanting to do schoolwork the first year off his cancer treatment, wondering if people had any ideas if that was reasonable, or what would be reasonable. No one linked an article on parenting during or after cancer treatment, and I didn't think to look it up, though that would have been helpful to me. Would it ultimately just have been that author's opinion? Maybe, but I bet there would have been something there I could have learned from.

 

I think you make a good point that I am not a stepmother. Experience trumps all.

 

I hope the op finds a way to deal with this that builds a positive relationship with her stepdaughter.

[HistoryMom]

I'm a bio-mom and a stepmom. All of our children have done this at one point or another. It still frustrates me and I probably get more worked up about it than I should, but I do try for natural consequences and prevention, rather than punishments. Otherwise, I always feel like I've overreacted. They have to clean it up (or try) and they are no longer allowed markers or any coloring tools in their rooms until they've shown the maturity to be able to handle it. For our oldest, that was age 11. The littles still must color in the downstairs rooms only.

 

As for the stepchild/stepmom relationship, the only difference in how I've handled these kinds of situations is that I'm more sensitive to being on the same page with DH. I don't want my stepson to think that I'm unilaterally assigning punishment, especially because I do tend to be more strict than DH. With step-DS in particular, if DH has already handled a situation, I let it ride. If I'm the one handling it, I try to make sure that step-DS knows that I've conferred with DH about the consequences and, if possible, we're both present when they're handed down. I also try to do this with any decision he would likely be unhappy with -- the need for afterschooling, vacation choices, clothing vetoes, etc. It's even better, on the big things, if I can show him that his bio-mom is in the loop as well. I didn't do a good job of this early on, and it harmed our relationship, especially as step-DS got further into teenager territory. Now that he sees that DH, his bio-mom, and I really are all on the same page, and all bad things do NOT spring from my brain alone, things are getting much better. :)