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You ever just want to shake the hell out of your daughter??


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I know you are mad, but that's a lot of personal stuff that you are putting out on the internet.

 

I am mad, and rightfully so. But more then that I am desperate to get some advice, any advice that might help me help my daughter, so that the cycle of abuse doesn't keep on.

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I agree with Dulcimeramy, but before this gets deleted, fwiw... I'd take away her phone and FB until she can follow the rules. She's only 13, too young to be "dating" anyone, imo. Does she have a good relationship with her Dad? That's so important to a young girl. If he's not already, he should spend some quality time with her to help build her self-esteem so she won't feel the need to look to boys like the ones you described. Best of luck to you all.

 

ETA: Oh, and the answer to your title question is... YES! ;)

Edited by Mejane
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For what it's worth "I" don't feel like you have put out to much info ;). YOu've given the details of a situation with your dd, the actions you have taken so far, and have asked for help. I'm not a moderator though, so my opinion counts for squat :D

 

It' sounds like you are doing some long distance parenting and I'm sorry. That is no fun. When I was her age I had to crash and burn before I was willing to go back to the safety of my mother. Hopefully, someone has better advice for you :grouphug:'s.

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Guest Dulcimeramy

My warning was about putting such strong feelings and language out there when you are dealing with teens and difficult custody situations. That's quite a thread title, and the post was even more exciting and personal.

 

I wasn't trying to tell the OP that nobody wanted to hear her story or offer her advice. I was just trying to give a subtle warning that things on the internet find their way back to judges, other parents, and kids themselves. If this is something the OP would agree with when she's not in the heat of the moment, then my remark would have been timely.

 

(Not that any of this is my business. I was just taken aback and thought I would ask if the OP meant to share all that.)

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Your dd doesn't need your anger right now, sweetie. She needs your emotional support and understanding. She doesn't want to hear that she doesn't know better, or is acting out because her father is not a great dad, or was a piss- poor husband to you.

 

I know it's hard...young girls are very sensitive. Not being the primary custodial parent makes this even harder. You can't make her Dad do anything...but you can love her. Share with her that you were also attracted to 'bad' boys, but try not to badmouth her Dad. He may be a jerk, but he is her Dad, and she has to live with him.

 

Ask her questions "How does it feel when so and so treats you that way?" It's subtly different from "How can you let a boy treat you like garbage? What is wrong with you?" One can open the door, one can close it, if it feels like shaming. Help her explore her own emotions...try not to be too quick to assume she is doing what she is doing for exactly the same reasons you did. She has to feel comfortable coming to you...no matter what. You don't want her ever to be afraid to tell you anything for fear you'll lecture her about her father etc. Girls can be very protective of their Dads, ime.

Edited by LibraryLover
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My warning was about putting such strong feelings and language out there when you are dealing with teens and difficult custody situations. That's quite a thread title, and the post was even more exciting and personal.

 

I wasn't trying to tell the OP that nobody wanted to hear her story or offer her advice. I was just trying to give a subtle warning that things on the internet find their way back to judges, other parents, and kids themselves. If this is something the OP would agree with when she's not in the heat of the moment, then my remark would have been timely.

 

(Not that any of this is my business. I was just taken aback and thought I would ask if the OP meant to share all that.)

 

You bring up a good point, and that is a potential consequence the OP needs to consider. I just don't think the Mods need to babysit ;).

 

I wasn't trying to be attacking towards you either though. I just saw things a bit differently. Yes, the language was vibrant, but I think this poster is a pretty vibrant person ;).

 

Play on!

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to handle the emotional/sexual context. She shouldn't be on FB. Again, she's not mature enough to handle what's happening here. You and your X need to get on the same page with this. Talk to him, set up some mutually agreed upon rules and then enforce them consistently.

 

I agree with Dulcimeramy, but before this gets deleted, fwiw... I'd take away her phone and FB until she can follow the rules. She's only 13, too young to be "dating" anyone, imo. Does she have a good relationship with her Dad? That's so important to a young girl. If he's not already, he should spend some quality time with her to help build her self-esteem so she won't feel the need to look to boys like the ones you described. Best of luck to you all.
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Why don't you try to get physical custody of her?

 

Easier said then done. We are in a 3 bedroom, 1100 sq ft place. We tried to find something bigger, not just cause we need it, but also because it would allow her to be able to come back and live with us. But with the size of our family and pets, it was like hitting a brick wall renting :(

 

My warning was about putting such strong feelings and language out there when you are dealing with teens and difficult custody situations. That's quite a thread title, and the post was even more exciting and personal.

 

I wasn't trying to tell the OP that nobody wanted to hear her story or offer her advice. I was just trying to give a subtle warning that things on the internet find their way back to judges, other parents, and kids themselves. If this is something the OP would agree with when she's not in the heat of the moment, then my remark would have been timely.

 

(Not that any of this is my business. I was just taken aback and thought I would ask if the OP meant to share all that.)

 

The title was meant metaphorically, and I am sure most people understood that. How many times have people said they wanted "shake some sense into someone" or "slap some sense into them". They only problem with my title is if people, and by people I mean judges, etc.. took it literally. But most *real* abusers aren't quite so out in the open about that stuff... or they'd be arrested and not posting on an internet forum board.

 

Your dd doesn't need your anger right now, sweetie. She needs your support. She doesn't want to hear that she doesn't know better, or is acting out because her father is not a great dad, or was a piss- poor husband to you.

 

I know it's hard...young girls are very sensitive. Not being the primary custodail parent makes this even harder. You can make her Dad do anything...but you can love her. Share with her that you were also attracted to 'bad' boys, but try not to badmouth her Dad. He may be a jerk, but he is her Dad, and she has to live with him.

 

Ask her questions "How does it feel when so and so treats you that way?" . It's subtly different from "How can you let a boy treat you like grabage?" One can open the door, one can close it if it feels like shaming. Help her explore her own emotions...try not to be too quick to assume she is doing what she is doing for exactly the same reasons you did. She has to feel comfortable coming to you...no matter what. You don't want her ever to be afraid to tell you anything for fear you'll lecture her about her Dad etc. Girls can be very protective of their Dads, ime.

 

I have not said anything about her dad to her. It seems you are assuming that, when I never said that. I merely thought it was pertinent part of why she may be choosing this path, and why I feel it is so toxic for her. I support her staying with her dad. I take the things she says about him with a grain of salt. Just cause those are MY experiences, one would like to believe they will not be hers. However, she remembers much of what went on between us, so really there is nothing to hide, unfortunately.

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I have not said anything about her dad to her. It seems you are assuming that, when I never said that. I merely thought it was pertinent part of why she may be choosing this path, and why I feel it is so toxic for her. I support her staying with her dad. I take the things she says about him with a grain of salt. Just cause those are MY experiences, one would like to believe they will not be hers. However, she remembers much of what went on between us, so really there is nothing to hide, unfortunately.

 

 

That's good. That certainly wasn't clear ito me from your post.

 

You don't have to be so cranky to a total stranger (me) taking the time to try and help. Carry on.

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That's good. That certainly wasn't clear ito me from your post.

 

You don't have to be so cranky to a total stranger (me) taking the time to try and help. Carry on.

 

I didn't feel I was being cranky, I was merely responding to you post, sorry...

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