ds called "hostile" by preschool teacher

[jlmom]

We homeschool dd6 and just started ds3 in preschool in January because we felt it would be a good experience for him to be around other kids his age and because he doesn't always respond well to me trying to teach him. We don't know what we'll do when he's older. We homeschool because we feel that it works best for our daughter and we'd love to homeschool our son but we just don't know yet. Each child is different and he might do better in school. The other day his teacher told me that he is "hostile" and "defiant". Now, to me hostile is a very strong word and one that I wouldn't use easily to describe someone, especially a 3-year old who's only been in school for 2 months, 2 times a week for 2 hours. He doesn't hit, push, bite, etc. He just doesn't like to share. I get it--he's 3. Yes, we have to work on sharing, and we are. If another boy has a toy he wants, he apparently goes and tells the teacher that he wants it. I'm just glad he's not pulling it out of the kids hand! He's far from hostile. He's a happy, snuggly, imaginative child. I'm worried about how they're treating him when I'm not around. He's enrolled in a different school for next year, where our dd went and we love. They have no openings for the rest of this year. I go back and forth with whether sending him for the remaining 3 months of this year would do more harm than good for him. My dh talked to the teacher yesterday and questioned the "hostile" comment, and she didn't apologize. She said that maybe she used it too quickly. WWYD?

[mommaduck]

Oh wow, then my happy little whirlwind of nearly three must be a terrorist! Because he WILL grab a doll out of his nearly 5yr old sister's hand and they will fight over it (then be happily playing together 90 seconds later).

 

I think that teacher is VERY quick to label kids and her labeling isn't appropriate (particularly age appropriate). Sorry, I would not want my kid to have her as a teacher.

[lionfamily1999]

Has he shown any signs at home that he's having problems there? Has he changed, become distant, &tc? That's the barometer I would use. The teacher told YOU he was hostile, but she may not have said anything (or done anything) to him.

[Nakia]

I, personally, would bring him back home. He doesn't need to be labeled with such words when he seems to be a perfectly normal 3 year old. And don't worry about trying to teach him at home. He will learn all he needs to know right now by every day interaction with his family and through play. :grouphug:

[Sahamamama]

What do your "instincts" tell you? If you feel that something is not right with this situation, follow that lead.

 

There was a situation with my oldest daughter (at church, of all places), in which I felt that my daughter was suddenly competition for the teacher's grandson (not that the little boy felt any of it). But it seemed that the teacher would be alternately complimentary and then surprisingly nasty towards my girl. Let's just say that there were some comments that got my Mama Radar up. KWIM? If you feel the teacher labeled your son, and she's not apologetic, then what exactly does she mean by "hostile?" :confused:

 

Yes, I would be alert. What do you and your husband think is going on, if anything? What do you feel is best? You have permission to do that! ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

What is your feeling about the teacher's attitude in general and toward him? Is she a positive person? Does she project calm into situations by remaining calm and positive, and by smiling a lot even when she is correcting problems?

 

Those are the characteristics that I look for in a preschool teacher, because children of that age are tremendously sensitive to adult 'moods' around them.

 

Also, does your DS like to go to preschool? If he is resisting it, take him out. There is nothing crucial about a 3 year old attending preschool. If he likes it, then consider it. But don't let this teacher make him decide that he is 'bad' or something like that. You don't want him to develop a deepseated negative belief about himself.

[Hwin]

I would only let him stay if he enjoys it and wants to go.

[HeidiKC]

I would schedule a meeting with the teacher and the director. A very nice meeting where you aren't angry or anything, but showing your deep concern about your child being labeled "hostile". Concern (nice, not accusing) that the teacher might have a hard time having kind/caring feelings toward your child and that the child might pick up on this.

 

I'd mostly be quiet and see what they have to say. The director will not be happy the teacher has said this and hopefully will keep an eye on the situation and support you. Just be careful in your tone (I know that's hard!).

[Nestof3]

Thoughts that pop into my head.

 

1. Since you asked what I would do, I will be honest and say that I don't think three year olds need any "schooling" at all. They won't learn anything there that they won't learn my osmosis at home. So, for starters, I wouldn't leave my three-year old in the care of another, especially a classroom setting, unless I had no choice. But, if you choose to:

 

2. I think it is possible that our children act differently when away from our presence. I don't think you can know that the teacher is not accurately describing your child if you are not there. I think it is also possible that your son could be acting out something he doesn't need to act out when he is home.

 

3. I would assume that the teacher has information, and instead of feeling defensive, I would ask for clarification, examples, etc. I would even ask to watch one day to see what's going on. It is possible that the teacher is being partial for some reason. It is also possible that she's not a great teacher. Who knows.

 

My brother's three-year old actually got kicked out of preschool (one that cost over $10,000 a year). She bit the teacher, pulled up her skirt and peed during a piano recital, etc. I never knew three-year olds could act like that!

[QueenCat]

I would schedule a meeting with the teacher and the director. A very nice meeting where you aren't angry or anything, but showing your deep concern about your child being labeled "hostile". Concern (nice, not accusing) that the teacher might have a hard time having kind/caring feelings toward your child and that the child might pick up on this.

 

I'd mostly be quiet and see what they have to say. The director will not be happy the teacher has said this and hopefully will keep an eye on the situation and support you. Just be careful in your tone (I know that's hard!).

 

:iagree:The director needs to know. If I'd called a child hostile when I taught preschool, my director would have had major issues with ME!

[Joanne]

You asked what I would do: I would pull him immediately.

[jec3113]

I taught 3 yr old preschool for several years. I cannot imagine telling a parent that a 3 year old boy was hostile. Save the money and bring him home.

[Allearia]

I would probably keep him home and wait until he can go to the new preschool next year. Any chance you can check with the other school if you could be notified if anyone leaves the school? I don't think an attitude like this about a child is appropriate at all - and I had a child who was physical against the other children but the way the school dealt with it and worked with him constantly was wonderful, and they never used that type of language.

[Night Elf]

speak to the director first, then ask that the teacher come in so the 3 of you can speak. Tell them you're concerned that such words are used because you aren't sure how they are treating your son. At the preschool where I worked, there would have been a stern reprimand if a teacher would have dared to speak to a parent like that. The proper protocol for any child causing trouble was to take it the director and let her/him handle it with the parents.

[Kirch]

First I would ask the teacher for specific examples of what she meant by "hostile." It could be that your son is having some problems but that she didn't make the best choice of adjectives, or it could be that he has a major pout-fest when he doesn't get his way. I'd use that discussion as an opportunity to gauge her attitude/feelings towards your ds. If I felt like she seemed to have an issue with him personally (or if this continued to be a negative experience for him), I'd pull him out.

[angela in ohio]

I think of hostile as meaning something similar to defiant when used to describe a small child. You did say that he didn't respond well to you, either, and maybe she is using it to mean that he resists her, too. I wouldn't expect the teacher to apologize; I would try to work with her, if you leave him in, to teach him to share and take direction well.

 

Honestly, I would pull him out, but I wouldn't have put him in in the first place, so that's probably not helpful advice. ;) He definitely will be fine without school at 3 yo. The only thing my dd learned at preschool was how to misbehave. :glare:

[jplain]

Yeah, hostile seems a bit harsh. :glare: Since your DH already brought it up with the teacher and she didn't respond reassuringly, I'd probably mention it to the director.

 

If another boy has a toy he wants, he apparently goes and tells the teacher that he wants it.

I'd give him points for being able to express his wants in words, rather than by throwing a tantrum.

 

My response to the teacher would be "And so how do you handle that situation? Do you coach him through asking his classmate for a turn? Then do you help him cope with waiting for his turn?"

[Dawn in OH]

The other day his teacher told me that he is "hostile" and "defiant". Now, to me hostile is a very strong word and one that I wouldn't use easily to describe someone, especially a 3-year old who's only been in school for 2 months, 2 times a week for 2 hours. He doesn't hit, push, bite, etc. He just doesn't like to share. I get it--he's 3. Yes, we have to work on sharing, and we are. If another boy has a toy he wants, he apparently goes and tells the teacher that he wants it. I'm just glad he's not pulling it out of the kids hand! WWYD?

 

Hostile was an inappropriate word for the situation. I think it's great that your son doesn't rip toys out of the other child's hands and tells the teacher that he was the toy instead. I don't see how that could be interpreted as hostile. Most of the children I knew at that age WOULD have yanked the toy from the other child.

 

Did she give you examples of him being defiant?

 

What would I do? Honestly, I would pull the child out. Even if he's enjoying the experience, I don't think I would feel comfortable with my child being with this woman.

[4wildberrys]

You asked what I would do: I would pull him immediately.

:iagree: I would make sure they know why too. Any 'teacher' that calls a 3yo hostile I would consider hostile, completely inappropriate, and not trustworthy around my precious child. :glare:

[RanchGirl]

I would schedule a meeting with the teacher and the director. A very nice meeting where you aren't angry or anything, but showing your deep concern about your child being labeled "hostile". Concern (nice, not accusing) that the teacher might have a hard time having kind/caring feelings toward your child and that the child might pick up on this.

 

I'd mostly be quiet and see what they have to say. The director will not be happy the teacher has said this and hopefully will keep an eye on the situation and support you. Just be careful in your tone (I know that's hard!).

 

 

:iagree: Express your concern and behave as if you believe what she has said and you are looking for examples of this "hostile" behavior and ideas for improvement. I am sure the director will help you get to the bottom of it. If this doesn't clear up both the concerns with his behavior and your concerns with the teacher, ask to move him to a different classroom or consider bringing him home and setting up playdates where you can supervise closely.

[kwickimom]

I would not let someone label my child with such words. I would pull him immediately and have a few words with the teacher and director of the school.

 

My 2YO does bite and hit and I would say he's a 2YO that needs to work on some issues, not "hostile" as if he was a terrorist. That is just ridiculous.

[PiCO]

You asked what I would do: I would pull him immediately.

 

Me, too.

 

I think there are a couple possibilities for the child being labeled "hostile." The most likely is that the teacher is not that great with kids, and cannot control the classroom- and feels the need to blame the children. The second possibility is that the child is actually being "hostile" at school- as a previous poster said, a children can behave differently when they are away from their families.

 

Either way, pull the poor kid. In the first case, you don't want your child spending that much time with that teacher. In the second case, there is something going on that is causing your child to behave in a manner that is out of character for him. Remove him from the situation before that becomes a habit.

 

I put my oldest dd in a home child care part-time when she was 2.5 yrs old. The second week, the "teacher" had a talk with me about how I needed to talk to dd and let her know she needs to listen to the teacher. Dd informed me that the teacher was "stupid". I went to observe the next day, and sure enough dd was completely ignoring the teacher. Whatever the teacher would say-- pick up your toys, share with the other kids, etc.-- dd would pretend she didn't hear and just turn and walk away. The teacher had a really annoying voice- all I could think was I would do the same thing. I told the lady to keep my deposit, it wan't going to work out for us. Took my kid and left- she just came to work with me.

[Nestof3]

I just don't get what's so bad about the word hostile. I have told Ben before, "You are showing such hostility" or "You are just so angry," and I proceed to figure out what's causing it. But I know him. Sometimes he needs me to snuggle him. Sometimes he needs to be away from people for a little while. Sometimes he needs a snack or he's overwhelmed. But, a wouldn't expect a teacher to know him that well.

 

a : of or relating to an enemy <hostile fire>

b : marked by malevolence : having or showing unfriendly feelings <a hostile act>

c : openly opposed or resisting <a hostile critic> <hostile to new ideas>

d (1) : not hospitable <plants growing in a hostile environment> (2) : having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature <a hostile workplace>

[Joanne]

I just don't get what's so bad about the word hostile. I have told Ben before, "You are showing such hostility" or "You are just so angry," and I proceed to figure out what's causing it. But I know him. Sometimes he needs me to snuggle him. Sometimes he needs to be away from people for a little while. Sometimes he needs a snack or he's overwhelmed. But, a wouldn't expect a teacher to know him that well.

 

a : of or relating to an enemy <hostile fire>

b : marked by malevolence : having or showing unfriendly feelings <a hostile act>

c : openly opposed or resisting <a hostile critic> <hostile to new ideas>

d (1) : not hospitable <plants growing in a hostile environment> (2) : having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature <a hostile workplace>

 

From a communication standpoint, it's simply not helpful to mom or teacher. Please tell me what behavior is causing a problem for my child, other children, the teacher or the classroom.

 

It is, for some people, a fairly heavy word, especially applied to a 3 year old.

[Nestof3]

Me, too.

 

I think there are a couple possibilities for the child being labeled "hostile." The most likely is that the teacher is not that great with kids, and cannot control the classroom- and feels the need to blame the children. The second possibility is that the child is actually being "hostile" at school- as a previous poster said, a children can behave differently when they are away from their families.

 

 

 

My niece is out of control. She has a problem, and so do her parents, but they don't know what to do. She hits my mother -- her own grandmother! She slammed our laptop lid several times while at our house. She never does as I instruct her; she actually laughs and twitches off.

 

I cannot imagine any teacher being able to manage her. You couldn't pay me enough. She had been at a very prestigious Montessori school. They worked very hard with her; my brother will even say that. She supposedly likes her Latin school better. My brother said, 'I think she was just too bright for the other school." :001_huh:

 

I'm not saying the OP's child is anything like this. This really has nothing to do with the OP at all. I'm just saying that children are responsible for their behavior, and teachers shouldn't have to handle something that is best handled by a parent.

[happi duck]

IMHO, a teacher should use specific examples not adjectives. Just reading this thread shows that 'hostile' means different things to different people. This label doesn't give you any concrete information. The teacher needs to be able to provide specific information and hopefully not just typical preschooler behavior!

[Nestof3]

IMHO, a teacher should use specific examples not adjectives. Just reading this thread shows that 'hostile' means different things to different people. This label doesn't give you any concrete information. The teacher needs to be able to provide specific information and hopefully not just typical preschooler behavior!

 

I thought she did give examples. I would say, "Ben, you're being selfish today. You _____________________, you __________________, and you ____________________."

[Joanne]

I'm not saying the OP's child is anything like this. This really has nothing to do with the OP at all. I'm just saying that children are responsible for their behavior, and teachers shouldn't have to handle something that is best handled by a parent.

 

Can we discuss the bold?

 

I agree at some point, children are exposed to enough information to be responsible for their behavior.

 

What about the child, however, who hasn't been taught adequate respect for other people (is not taught how to interupt, how to wait in conversation, how to take turns, how not to eat all the hot dogs at a VBS lunch because you don't like the fish sticks.......)

 

What about the child who has not been taught respect for property? The child who doesn't have computer privileges taken away after abusing a laptop?

 

What about the child who has not been taught that certain words are for certain situations (and adults) or how to speak properly to other people?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just don't get what's so bad about the word hostile. I have told Ben before, "You are showing such hostility" or "You are just so angry," and I proceed to figure out what's causing it. But I know him. Sometimes he needs me to snuggle him. Sometimes he needs to be away from people for a little while. Sometimes he needs a snack or he's overwhelmed. But, a wouldn't expect a teacher to know him that well.

 

a : of or relating to an enemy <hostile fire>

b : marked by malevolence : having or showing unfriendly feelings <a hostile act>

c : openly opposed or resisting <a hostile critic> <hostile to new ideas>

d (1) : not hospitable <plants growing in a hostile environment> (2) : having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature <a hostile workplace>

 

What's bad about it in this case is that it does not fit the situation. This child is not showing anger. He is going to the teacher to say that he doesn't want to share a toy. It is a behavior that needs to be redirected. But it is developmentally common and should not be something that the teacher has to confront the parent over.

[LittleIzumi]

I thought she did give examples. I would say, "Ben, you're being selfish today. You _____________________, you __________________, and you ____________________."

 

I think that's half the problem. From what we were told, "hostile"=asking the teacher for a toy another child had. :confused::confused::confused:

[Julie in CA]

Unless you previously found the teacher to be completely irrational, I'd be concerned rather than defensive. If my 3 yo were described as hostile, I'd be trying to get to the bottom of the behavior rather than picking at what particular adjective was used. I would make an appointment with the teacher for an in-depth conversation about specifically what behaviors were problematic, with the assumption that *she was correct* in her observations. During the discussion, if you then find that her observations are way out of line, then I'd pull the kid and bring him home. I think dismissing her concerns because of one adjective she used, or because you don't find an isolated brief description to be completely accurate, would be doing your ds a disservice.

 

Either way, :grouphug::grouphug:, because it's hard to hear that kind of thing about your kid.

Edited March 4, 2011 by Julie in CA

[MotherMayI]

Unless you previously found the teacher to be completely irrational, I'd be concerned rather than defensive. If my 3 yo were described as hostile, I'd be trying to get to the bottom of the behavior rather than picking at what particular adjective was used. I would be making an appointment with the teacher for an in-depth conversation about specifically what behaviors were problematic, with the assumption that *she was correct* in her observations. During the discussion, if you then find that her observations are way out of line, then I'd pull the kid and bring him home. I think dismissing her concerns because of one adjective she used, or because you don't find an isolated brief description to be completely accurate, would be doing your ds a disservice.

 

Either way, :grouphug::grouphug:, because it's hard to hear that kind of thing about your kid.

 

:iagree:

[BakersDozen]

Unless you previously found the teacher to be completely irrational, I'd be concerned rather than defensive. If my 3 yo were described as hostile, I'd be trying to get to the bottom of the behavior rather than picking at what particular adjective was used. I would be making an appointment with the teacher for an in-depth conversation about specifically what behaviors were problematic, with the assumption that *she was correct* in her observations. During the discussion, if you then find that her observations are way out of line, then I'd pull the kid and bring him home. I think dismissing her concerns because of one adjective she used, or because you don't find an isolated brief description to be completely accurate, would be doing your ds a disservice.

 

 

:iagree:

[Celia]

I think it's important not to get up in arms over whatever words she may have used to describe your son, and find out as many specifics of the situation as you can. How he's relating to her, other children, and her methods of dealing with these things. You don't want to be so sensitive to what she's said that you miss seeing if your son really does need some help with his behaviours.

 

Maybe he is truly being hostile, or maybe she's used a word that is too strong and doesn't realize it, or maybe she's frustrated and overstating, or maybe she's not cut out to be teaching little ones. I personally have taught a child that I would call hostile. I don't blame the child for his behaviour though, he had some hard things going on in life.

 

All that said, I would take your ds out of the preschool. He needs to be at a place where he's being nurtured, and this doesn't sound like he has a very positive relationship with the teacher!

[Kathleen in VA]

I, personally, would bring him back home. He doesn't need to be labeled with such words when he seems to be a perfectly normal 3 year old. And don't worry about trying to teach him at home. He will learn all he needs to know right now by every day interaction with his family and through play. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: OK, most folks here aren't going to like this but I have no idea why anyone would think putting a 3yo in school is a good idea. What can a teacher who doesn't even know my child have to offer more than I do? I'm his mother, I love him, I want what's best for him. I am no one's hired servant. I have my heart at every level invested in this dear child. Why would I want some strange woman instructing him about anything at all???!!!

 

Bring your child home and give him the love and attention only a mom can give him.

 

Sorry, everyone. That's just how I feel about it.

[happi duck]

I thought she did give examples. I would say, "Ben, you're being selfish today. You _____________________, you __________________, and you ____________________."

 

Am I missing something? All I read was that the child tells the teacher when he wants a toy from another child.

[2cents]

It sounds like a typical 3 yr old and actually I'm impressed that he doesn't just grab the toy. I would be concerned about the 'hostile' label too. When I think 'hostile' I envision a kid running around clubbing his classmates with toy trucks and pails. Maybe the teacher is just semantically challenged?

 

I don't see anything odd or wrong with him being in daycare or preschool. It is a personal decision and IMO doesn't have that much to do with why a teacher would react in such a manner.

Edited March 4, 2011 by 2cents

[Ester Maria]

Unless you previously found the teacher to be completely irrational, I'd be concerned rather than defensive. If my 3 yo were described as hostile, I'd be trying to get to the bottom of the behavior rather than picking at what particular adjective was used. I would make an appointment with the teacher for an in-depth conversation about specifically what behaviors were problematic, with the assumption that *she was correct* in her observations. During the discussion, if you then find that her observations are way out of line, then I'd pull the kid and bring him home. I think dismissing her concerns because of one adjective she used, or because you don't find an isolated brief description to be completely accurate, would be doing your ds a disservice.

This.

[LittleIzumi]

:iagree: OK, most folks here aren't going to like this but I have no idea why anyone would think putting a 3yo in school is a good idea. What can a teacher who doesn't even know my child have to offer more than I do? .

 

For most kids this age it's an extracurricular activity. It's fun--playtime with friends, having stories read to them by attentive grownups who can give them relatively undivided attention, new art & toy opportunities that are different from at home, etc. Dd is 3 & adores her play preschool. She would go every single day if it was up to her. The girls wanted to go to the preschool teacher's house & invite her to a picnic & play there today :lol: (had to veto that one).

[FO4UR]

I'd pull him out too.

 

Here is why: the teacher's words tell you what she thinks of your child, and what she will project onto him (no matter how "professional" she may think she can behave). She thinks your child is hostile.

 

I don't think asking a teacher for a toy is hostile for a 3yo AT ALL! In fact, I think it shows very good self-control! Now, was he asking again and again...demanding...idk, but it is still not hostile behavior.

 

If he stays in this classroom, he's likely to learn that you don't ask the teacher for help...not a lesson I want my dc to learn. It obviously doesn't work! (I'd like to know the teacher's response to his asking! In my house, we have ground rules about sharing...the rules are repeated as necessary. Everyone has wants and needs. Meeting those wants/needs in a civilized manner is a skill to be taught...what was this teacher teaching???? - not sharing)

 

I worked in daycares while going through college. If a teacher is TELLING you that they think your 3yo is hostile - PULL YOUR BABY OUT!!! Tell the director so this teacher can be watched more closely. A comment of that nature is like the tip of an iceberg ime.

[Night Elf]

...with the assumption that *she was correct* in her observations.

 

I disagree with this. I think adults are given the benefit of the doubt too often because we assume adults will always be honest and kids will always lie. I am really uncomfortable when I see parents automatically take the side of the teacher without considering what the child is thinking, saying, or doing. I am not advocating the OP go into a meeting with an angry-mama-bear attitude, but I think assuming the teacher is correct is not good.

 

What kind of school is this? Who is this teacher? How old is she? What kind of training did she have? How long has she worked with children? I worked at a preschool that hired high school graduates with no prior experience and within a short time they were in charge of a group of kids. I saw things that made my heart ache.

 

I just don't get why the teacher is angry that this child is asking for the toy rather than showing aggression to the child with the toy. How is he talking to her? Is he yelling uncontrollably? Is he throwing a tantrum when he can't have the toy? Is he harming the other children in any way? Or is she just considering him a nuisance because he takes some time out of her day for one-on-one interaction? That was another thing I saw in the preschool. The teachers often got frustrated if they had to stop talking with one another in order to handle a child, even if the child only had a question.

[Nestof3]

What I mean is that when a child hits another person, the child is the one doing the hitting. We have to start there. It could be that the child was taught not to hit. It could be that the child wasn't taught not to hit. I should have clarified that.

 

But, if the parent doesn't know the hitting is going on, the parent cannot act on it. It could be that the child only hits when the parent isn't around. It could be that the child hits when the parent is around. It could be that the child and parent hit each other. Who knows.

 

When Nathan hits Ben, I don't first find out what Ben did to instigate it. I first tell him that he needs to solve his problems with his words. I then find out what instigated it. Before anything, though, I hold the child responsible for his action.

 

[side note: I didn't see anything hostile about telling the teacher that you want a toy that another child had. I have real doubts that this is the best example the teacher could come up with for explaining hostile behavior. I think some children are slower to understand social rules (waiting in line, sharing, tattling, etc. because these issues work differently in family situations than they do out in public). I think children who refer to the teacher to mediate do so because they are used to a parent being the mediator.]

 

But, I have real doubts that a teacher can change any of this, and I have real questions about whether it's the teacher's job to do so. Would I give her authority to correct my child? Yes, but if Nathan is visiting my friend's son down the street and does something inappropriate, I would want to know. I wouldn't mind her correcting him, but I certainly wouldn't hold my friend responsible to change him.

 

All of this is the reason why most of my post (part of which you quoted) pertained to the responsibility of the parent.

 

Can we discuss the bold?

 

I agree at some point, children are exposed to enough information to be responsible for their behavior.

 

What about the child, however, who hasn't been taught adequate respect for other people (is not taught how to interupt, how to wait in conversation, how to take turns, how not to eat all the hot dogs at a VBS lunch because you don't like the fish sticks.......)

 

What about the child who has not been taught respect for property? The child who doesn't have computer privileges taken away after abusing a laptop?

 

What about the child who has not been taught that certain words are for certain situations (and adults) or how to speak properly to other people?

[Nestof3]

What's bad about it in this case is that it does not fit the situation. This child is not showing anger. He is going to the teacher to say that he doesn't want to share a toy. It is a behavior that needs to be redirected. But it is developmentally common and should not be something that the teacher has to confront the parent over.

 

I agree. I guess I have a hard time thinking this is the best example a teacher would use for hostile. Either she doesn't know the meaning of the word or she failed to give the parent other examples.

 

I would have definitely asked for more examples of the hostility she saw. Once I had those examples, I would ask the teacher to write them down and, as others suggested, discuss those examples with the director.

[Nestof3]

I think that's half the problem. From what we were told, "hostile"=asking the teacher for a toy another child had. :confused::confused::confused:

:iagree:

 

Unless it goes on all the time, and the child seems highly agitated and demanding, I wouldn't refer to that behavior as hostile.

[FO4UR]

yk - this thread touches on the whole subject of not wanting my dc "socialized" in a classroom setting.

 

What does a kid learn by this kind of interaction!?!:confused::glare:

[Nestof3]

I disagree with this. I think adults are given the benefit of the doubt too often because we assume adults will always be honest and kids will always lie.

 

Over and over again these days, I see the exact opposite. My teacher friends see the same thing. Instead of finding out if the teacher is correct about behavior issues, I see parents refuse to believe their child could do such and such.

 

If a child is failing a class or doing poorly, I see the parent blame the school system, the teacher, the textbook, etc. The child continues to disrespect the parent, have her own cell phone, forget to bring home homework, etc. and the parent appears clueless and helpless.

 

I was one of those moms called in often for parent-teacher conferences. Once, the teacher said, "Aaron would rather take a zero than do the assignment." All I could do is say, "I know." He was finishing up his third grade year to be homeschooled in the fourth grade.

 

I did everything I could do to remove privileges when he forgot his books or "forgot" he had a test. I checked all of his homework. I spent about two hours with him every night trying to get him to do his work and checking it. I was exhausted after working all day and making dinner when coming home.

 

But, I never blamed the teacher or the system. He was making bad choices at 9 years old, and I chose to homeschool him for three reasons:

 

1. I thought I could give him a great education

2. I thought he needed more parental involvement

3. I didn't see his teachers as being responsible for whatever was causing him to be such a disruption to class. (he was the class clown).

[Julie in CA]

I think adults are given the benefit of the doubt too often because we assume adults will always be honest and kids will always lie.

Yikes! This is not what I meant at all!

I meant that presumably the OP put her ds into a class with a teacher that she judged had reasonable experience & skill in dealing with children, and that rather than assuming the teacher is completely out of line, she should go in with an open mind, and without defensiveness, to determine if her child really does need help that she hadn't realized before.

[Joanne]

yk - this thread touches on the whole subject of not wanting my dc "socialized" in a classroom setting.

 

What does a kid learn by this kind of interaction!?!:confused::glare:

 

I'm not sure what you mean by the bold? Do you mean the very normal behavior of the 3 year old? Or the words and interaction of the teacher with the OP?

[MrsMe]

I think you should pull him out. He's 3 means you have a lot of time to work with him. It doesn't come in a day and it certainly won't come from pre-school.

[happi duck]

I disagree with this. I think adults are given the benefit of the doubt too often because we assume adults will always be honest and kids will always lie. I am really uncomfortable when I see parents automatically take the side of the teacher without considering what the child is thinking, saying, or doing. I am not advocating the OP go into a meeting with an angry-mama-bear attitude, but I think assuming the teacher is correct is not good.

 

What kind of school is this? Who is this teacher? How old is she? What kind of training did she have? How long has she worked with children? I worked at a preschool that hired high school graduates with no prior experience and within a short time they were in charge of a group of kids. I saw things that made my heart ache.

 

I just don't get why the teacher is angry that this child is asking for the toy rather than showing aggression to the child with the toy. How is he talking to her? Is he yelling uncontrollably? Is he throwing a tantrum when he can't have the toy? Is he harming the other children in any way? Or is she just considering him a nuisance because he takes some time out of her day for one-on-one interaction? That was another thing I saw in the preschool. The teachers often got frustrated if they had to stop talking with one another in order to handle a child, even if the child only had a question.

 

:iagree: This attitude can be so harmful. (profoundly affected someone I love)