happyWImom Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 If I didn't believe so strongly in hsing, and that it was what I was supposed to do, I would just throw in the towel. My dd has anxiety issues, and big-time control issues that stem from that, and it has made school a nightmare. For years, I have tried to find interesting, engaging curriculum that will work for her learning style, especially because she can be so difficult, and nothing I choose really makes a difference. We can go along fine, if she is happy, and then BAM, it's constant arguing. "I don't want to do this", "It's too hard", "I hate school", "How much more", "I'm only doing ___ much":banghead::banghead: I know that it's not about the curriculum-I know this! It's still so frustrating. We are seeing a therapist, and I know we can't let her anxiety rule our household. I am firm, and make her do all of her work, there are consequences, we deal with the bad behavior, I'm just so exhausted from it all. And, I fell like I'm not able to teach the way I want, and the things I want. I got Learning Adventures for next year, and was so thrilled, and my ds will do wonderfully with it, but I can already envision what it will be like with dd. I feel like I just need to pile on the workbooks like Abeka & CLE, and have her do as much independent work as possible. I'm considering the Virtual School again for her, which I really didn't want to do, because it takes so much time, and then my dc are doing everything separately. Okay, my pity party is over.:001_smile: I know so many of you are dealing with so much more than I am, and I feel guilty complaining. I just feel so useless as a teacher/parent sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jubilee Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherylw Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I feel your pain. My ds9 is so frustrating. He's argumentative too...he says the same kinds of comments you stated. He has to CONSTANTLY be moving or touching something. He doesn't like being homeschooled and wants to go back to ps. (it's so tempting:001_smile:) He would not act this way with a teacher in school, I know. He makes our day last much longer than it has to and I can't get that across to him. For me, I need to work on being more consistent and structured with our day. I believe that would help some. But at the same time I hate to come down too hard all the time, then he would really hate homeschooling. Like you I've chosen a more structured approach next year using HOD and I am hoping we have a much better year. Sorry I couldn't offer any advice, but hope it helps your not alone.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 :grouphug: Is her progression in skill level meeting your expectations? If it is, then you are doing something right. I would just recommend detaching yourself emotionally from her during school for awhile. I know that may sound harsh but it works with my dd who has behaved much like you describe. Sometimes our dc have to have more of a distinction between mom and teacher during school time. Once I stopped reacting to dd's emotional outbursts and emotional manipulation the show was over and she realized that I wasn't playing the game anymore. Talking about the behavior and helping her break the habit of using emotional manipulation and teaching her coping skills takes place outside of school, but during school I was all business. If she said it's too hard, I'd say, "Then you and I can sit down during lunch break and I will help you." If she said she wasn't going to do something then I'd say, "Then I will put it aside and you can complete it after school during your free time." If she whined, complained, or argued she had consequences that are written on a list for me to refer to. (I'm not good with coming up with consequences on the fly so I have a list that is posted for all to see.) Of coarse then there is the ultimate deterrent, which is to have to report to dad when he gets home and explain her actions. I think more than anything though is to respond to emotion with non-emotional behavior. Deal with her in a very matter of fact way. If it helps, write down all of her typical go to statements and then write what you will say in response. My dd spent lots of days in her room with her school work piling up to be completed during free time and weekends before she got the message that she couldn't beat me. It was hard to stick with it...there were many times I would loose my composure and snap at her or raise my voice or give in and let her out of completing her work, but I noticed that each time I gave in her behavior would escalate the next day. Working with her during non-school times on her behavior and playing the ice-burg teacher during school seemed to be the ticket with her. She rarely pulls her old tricks with me now and I have been able to get back to being teacher and mom during school for the most part. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristinannie Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I am worried about this with my son. He is one of those kids that challenges you at every turn and he is smart enough to get away with it sometimes. He has actually told me that I am not his real teacher. I am not sure how to deal with it. I'm interested to see what other people say on here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thowell Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Don't have alot of advice for you but I will be praying for you. Hang in there and keep plugging along. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I have a soon to be 13 year old son who has the same problems. One thing that I do is lay out all his written work for the day and the books he's to read from and let him choose, within reason, what he will do first, next, etc. That way, he feels he has some control, too. Now, if we're going out of the house, then he knows that he needs to do the written work first if he doesn't want to have to do it in the car (because school WILL go on), so the things we have on our agenda for the day will help to dictate how he must work - but he does have some control. As he has gotten older, I've also asked him his opinion about taking outside classes. I provide the details and tell him the deadline date for deciding. He can't change his mind once I've paid, but if he doesn't want to continue after one session, he can stop. This has helped some with those sorts of classes. I know that it can be trying, sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracyR Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I don't have lots of advice. My sister's daughter was very confrontational like that. She would tell my sister that she didn't want to do her work and that she didn't have to. Well this year she is in school and she's learned that the grass wasn't greener on the otherside ( she told my sister she wanted to go to school). She's begging my sister to homeschool her again but my sister won't because she mentally exhausted her because of all of the fighting and control issues my neice had ( she's only 8 mind you). And I don't blame my sister for not wanting to right now. I don't think I could. I know I had some times with my oldest daughter where she would tell me she would do her work later, or I don't want to. I told her that one way or the other that if she had to do her work at home or in school it has to be done because its the law. End of story. My girls did go to school this year. Only because they thought they were missing out on something. In the end they learned that school work is going to be done one way or the other. And its themselves to blame if they don't do what they are supposed to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2boys030507 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 My oldest son can be very confrontational. In fact today, he told me he doesn't like being told what to do. I have gone to writing out his assignments in an assignment notebook. This helps him to know what is expected of him each day. He knows that school has to be done before he can go play. (Yes, he does get breaks through out our school time but they only come with completed work.) I am also learning to just walk away and let him waste his time. I am there to get him started and teach the new material then it is up to him to work on his work. If he has a question I am availiable otherwise I try to just let him get his work done. It seems to be working when he knows exactly what is expected. Also, I have put out the challenge that if you can complete this page in x amount of time I will cross off some of the problems off of the second page. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homemama Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: I feel your pain, Tammi! My ds can be like that. However, he did go to school for 1 semester in kindergarten and it was waaay much worse. So, I'd rather deal with it on this level than with the PS problems! For me, with ds being argumentative at times, I just pick what interests "me" and go on. Cause I know that no matter what he is given, there will be some problems no matter what.:lol: I second previous posters idea of listing everything that is to be done on a given day. This lets ds see what has to be accomplished. Sort of like a "light at the end of a tunnel". FWIW, we have switched to Sonlight for most subjects. However, math is still an issue we're trying to work through. We always have trouble with math!:tongue_smilie: So far, the Sonlight has brought the least amt. of tears than anything else we've tried, so we'll stick with that. Also, frequent short breaks break up the monotony. Hope things go better for you soon! I'll be praying for ya! homemama ds 9, mostly Sonlight, with MUS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 My dd has anxiety issues, and big-time control issues that stem from that, and it has made school a nightmare. For years, I have tried to find interesting, engaging curriculum that will work for her learning style, especially because she can be so difficult, and nothing I choose really makes a difference. We can go along fine, if she is happy, and then BAM, it's constant arguing. "I don't want to do this", "It's too hard", "I hate school", "How much more", "I'm only doing ___ much":banghead::banghead: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: My six year old son is very confrontational...He has also had seizures in the past and is still on seizure medication that has a side effect of making children more aggressive :eek:...It was either that or risk possible liver damage, so we have to deal with the aggressiveness... He is also fine one minute, and difficult the next...I can never tell what will cause the confrontations... It is very tiring and discouraging when he "hates" everything, doesn't want to participate, or makes life difficult for the rest of us...I have what may seem like a slightly different approach to handling it...I treat him like everybody else in the house and do not engage him when he behaves that way...If he acts out too much, I send him to sit in a boring place alone...He doesn't like that, so when he rejoins us, he usually isn't being as confrontational...And if he still is, it is back to the staircase...I no longer go out of my way concerned about his reaction...I have noticed that it doesn't bother me as much now and he is more cooperative because no one is giving in to his demands...I use a very even tone of voice and just tell him "no"...He can come for breakfast in the morning, demand a different meal and claim that he is not eating what we are having...I simply tell him, "Okay, then you will wait for lunch", and I take his plate or bowl away from him...The rest of us sits down and starts eating...After about 2-3 minutes, he asks me for his food... Typical things that will happen now... He says he doesn't want to do his work, doesn't like it (when it was liked the day before), and generally doesn't want to cooperate - I tell him that we are doing the work now...If he insists, I look him in his eyes and tell him "No, you are not doing something else...We will not have (lunch, snack, or whatever comes next) until we do this"...If he starts the "I am only doing (fill in the blank)", then I do the same thing..."You are not having (lunch, snack, or whatever is enjoyable that comes next) until we finish...You will sit right here until you are done"... Some people think that this is mean...I don't...Some people feel we are forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do...We are...He acts out a lot less now and knows that we are not changing for him...If he has needs, then we will meet them, like we would anyone else's...We have our cuddle times in my bed or on the couch...I spend time stroking his hair and looking into his eyes...I genuinely love him and he is adorable to look at...He can also be very helpful to me at times now...But if he is just mistreating us, we are not giving in... I still just sometimes wish we didn't have to go through all of this :001_unsure:...It is getting better, but I still worry about what our teen years will be like... Again :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabelen Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 :grouphug: I don't have advice but wanted to send you hugs, you sound like a great mom who is doing the best for your child, that's why it's so hard. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeganW Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 My kids are younger, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt! If her issues with her schoolwork are that she CAN'T do it, you need to make adjustments. If the issues are that she WON'T do it, that's a whole nother issue. 1 - DO NOT LET HER SEE YOU SWEAT!!! If she sees that you are upset / angry / frustrated, you know it is going to get immediately worse. 2 - If you can't make her do it, don't bother. "You can either do this now with a good attitude, or you can _______ until you are ready to do it with a good attitude." I don't know what _____ is in your house. In mine, it might mean sitting on the garage steps (hard, cold, & uncomfortable, with nothing to do!), standing in the corner on one foot with nose touching wall, etc. Growing up, my mom had a pile of bricks on one side of the yard. If we were truly terrible, she would make us move them, one brick at a time, to the other side of the yard. If the new stack wasn't neat, you better believe we had to move them back and stack them neatly. One brick at a time. It was seriously the worst punishment ever. Working at a steady pace, it could take the two of us over an hour to move the pile. Dragging our feet, it could the whole day. And unfortunately, there were no meals, no bathroom breaks, etc. until we had finished. Today it might be called abusive. Back then it was called learning your lesson! And it worked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MeganW Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I'm just so exhausted from it all. Have you read Love & Logic? Your comment above reminds me so strongly of their Energy Drain philosophy. Perhaps that would be helpful? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 Have you read Love & Logic? Your comment above reminds me so strongly of their Energy Drain philosophy. Perhaps that would be helpful? No, but I will check it out-thanks!:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 I have a soon to be 13 year old son who has the same problems. One thing that I do is lay out all his written work for the day and the books he's to read from and let him choose, within reason, what he will do first, next, etc. That way, he feels he has some control, too. Now, if we're going out of the house, then he knows that he needs to do the written work first if he doesn't want to have to do it in the car (because school WILL go on), so the things we have on our agenda for the day will help to dictate how he must work - but he does have some control. As he has gotten older, I've also asked him his opinion about taking outside classes. I provide the details and tell him the deadline date for deciding. He can't change his mind once I've paid, but if he doesn't want to continue after one session, he can stop. This has helped some with those sorts of classes. I know that it can be trying, sorry! Thanks for the advice! And, I was thinking about some of the things the therapist suggested afterwards (why can't I think straight & apply this stuff when I should?), and he had the same advice. I should tell her before we start "These are the things we have to do today. Which do you want to do now/first?" That way she has the info ahead of time (which she needs) and does have some sort of control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Haven't read the other replies, but here is a :grouphug:. I have a child with anxiety and some learning issues, and I spend much more energy on him than on the others. Seeking a therapist is a good step, as long as you can find one who is skilled in working with younger kids. I would also recommend the book "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety" by Tamar (forget the last name). It is very helpful and practical and directed towards parents. Curriculum is not the issue, as you know. It is the underlying anxiety. However, your child is young and this issue can be helped...and all of your day to day lives can be improved. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 My kids are younger, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt! If her issues with her schoolwork are that she CAN'T do it, you need to make adjustments. If the issues are that she WON'T do it, that's a whole nother issue. 1 - DO NOT LET HER SEE YOU SWEAT!!! If she sees that you are upset / angry / frustrated, you know it is going to get immediately worse. 2 - If you can't make her do it, don't bother. "You can either do this now with a good attitude, or you can _______ until you are ready to do it with a good attitude." I don't know what _____ is in your house. In mine, it might mean sitting on the garage steps (hard, cold, & uncomfortable, with nothing to do!), standing in the corner on one foot with nose touching wall, etc. Growing up, my mom had a pile of bricks on one side of the yard. If we were truly terrible, she would make us move them, one brick at a time, to the other side of the yard. If the new stack wasn't neat, you better believe we had to move them back and stack them neatly. One brick at a time. It was seriously the worst punishment ever. Working at a steady pace, it could take the two of us over an hour to move the pile. Dragging our feet, it could the whole day. And unfortunately, there were no meals, no bathroom breaks, etc. until we had finished. Today it might be called abusive. Back then it was called learning your lesson! And it worked. You did give the caveat to take your thoughts with a grain of salt.:001_smile: This is not an appropriate or effective approach for a child with anxiety. The anxiety is beyond the child's control, and she needs help and tools to manage it, not punishment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiegirl40 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Tammi, :grouphug: I didn't read any previous responses, but I've learned so much from this board over the years, I decided to share my experience. I have a child that has some similar issues. Thank goodness I found HOD a few years ago, because it has been wonderful for her. I still hear some complaining, but it's so much better than it was. I think the way HOD is structured, its the same each day of the week, is what she likes. So, each day is different, but all Mondays are the same, all Tuesdays are the same, etc. I really like the way HOD has scripture woven throughout all the subjects, we have had some amazing discussions. I don't think it is all about the specific curriculum, though. I have taken away certain foods, I think she has an allergy to certain foods or possible chemicals. For one example, she loves cherrios for breakfast, but when I removed that from her diet and found a wholesome alternative she would eat, it was like day and night. I know this can be the most challenging part to figure out!! Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 :grouphug: My second son was a handful. When he was 8yo (and still in a traditional classroom), he had a complete psycho/ed evaluation. Some of the words that jumped off the page were "tendency toward perfectionism" and "a complete disintegration of skills in timed situations." Well, what is a traditional classroom but one timed situation after another. We started homeschooling in third grade. If there is an anxiety issue, especially one aggravated by perfectionism, there will be meltdowns that are draining on the whole family. I did make schedules. I was relaxed about the order things were completed. I did try to be consistent. Some days it just didn't matter. I know this sounds silly, but you know how you can crate train a dog so that the dog views its crate as a safe place? Well, when he would totally loose it, I would take him to his room and tell him that when he could get a grip he could rejoin us. We had lots of talks about how it is alright to be frustrated or angry, but it is not alright to vomit those emotions all over other people. I wouldn't go back and get him. I just let him determine how long he needed to get himself together. After a while, when I would see him start to loose it, I would ask if he needed some alone time. Then, he reached a point where he would tell me that he need some alone time. We didn't approach this as punishment, but as a lesson in personal management. I wanted to give him a skill that as a teenager and later as an adult would help him determine how to appropriately deal with not only his own feelings but also with other people. When he was a teenage boy, I knew that I couldn't have him getting in someone's face screaming at them and I sure didn't want him to be that kind of husband. This same child is now 17yo. He is a much easier teenager than my oldest who was a much easier 8yo. He has learned to look at a situation and determine how to approach it. He has learned when to walk away. He has also learned to evaluate a situation and determine if it is appropriate to do what he wants to do or what he thinks is appropriate instead of what is asked of him and how to explain himself and man-up to the consequences. (and let's face it- As a parent we don't want a completely compliant child. There are plenty of situations that as a teen and as an adult we want them to be able to do what they feel is appropriate rather than going along with what someone asks them to do.) He has learned to use his words and actions to represent who he is and I am very proud of him for doing so. As a side note, when he was is jrhigh and having a particularly defiant day, I did load him up and take him over to the public school. I don't mean I waited. I mean that I told him to get in the car and I called the school on the way there. I wanted him to see children being told where to sit, what book to open, when to eat, etc. After touring the school, I had decided that it wouldn't be so horrible if he ended up there and he had decided that he definitely didn't want to end up there. It totally changed our dynamic for the rest of junior high.:) Hang in there! There is no one else who is as invested in a positive outcome for your child!:grouphug: Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I have a ds like this. I refuse to send him to ps before high school, but I have to confess that I did send my dd there this year (she's a sophomore). She doesn't have anxiety but was always a dc to argue, and being 14 and 15 didn't help. I feel very strongly about homeschooling, and won't give up before high school. I'd have preferred to homechool dd all the way through, but it was too hard on the rest of us. The good news is that she is benefitting in all ways from her years of homeschooling and it was absolutely worth the challenges for most of the years she was at home (not sure about her freshman year, but I thnk so.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I also have a very challenging DD...and it doesn't help that she's my first DC so I never know if I'm making the best choices. One thing I've realized is that we would just be covering up the problems by sending her to public school. By having her with me at home, it can be very frustrating, but at least we are working through her behavioral issues daily. We've also found HOD to be a great curriculum fit for her. The lessons are shorter and I purposely placed her slightly behind grade level. I'd rather work on 2nd grade-ish material than constantly hearing "It's too hard" and having her shut down completely. We usually make it through our lessons without any big tantrums. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I agree. That's something else I started when he was very young and I saw that he had trouble transitioning. I'd talk about plans ahead of time in order to help prepare him for what was coming. Then if he seemed to start to balk, I could just say, "Remember, we talked about this and I told you what was going to happen." That seemed to help then. However, with the onset of adolescence, he has just begun worrying over what is coming if I talk about it too much beforehand. So at some point you may have to work at striking a balance. I generally now try to tell him some weeks before an event about it, discussing it in detail. I then don't mention it again until (sometimes) the day of the event itself (sometimes the evening before, if I think he won't start obsessing over it). I also try to gush over any outside event, telling him why I want him to be able to be involved in it: what a wonderful learning opportunity; how good, experienced, or well-trained the teacher is; how much I hope he'll like it; how excited I am for him to get the opportunity; how it's only for xxxx long and if it doesn't work out, then he won't have to take that class again, etc. So your process may need tweaking over time, but hopefully you will find a happy balance. I wish you all well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I feel your pain. My ds9 is so frustrating. He's argumentative too...he says the same kinds of comments you stated. He has to CONSTANTLY be moving or touching something. He doesn't like being homeschooled and wants to go back to ps. (it's so tempting:001_smile:) He would not act this way with a teacher in school, I know. I know at one charter school here they use yoga balls as the chairs in some classes so the kids can move & still listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osaubi Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 My ds is a lot like Mandy in TN's ds. We have at least 5 meltdowns a day. It is not so much the work, but the thought of doing work that leads to meltdowns. Once he gets going he is ok. He does go to his room when he gets upset on his own now, and he comes down when he is calmer. I sit down with him 2-3 times before the new school year and go over expectations and curriculum. I let him pick the curriculum but it has to be with in my rules. For example when it is time to move on to the next level math I have 3 different programs samples and have him look at it. He picks the one he likes out of those 3. This makes him feel that he has a say in the kind of curriculum he does. He gets to pick all of his outside classes. Since all of our required work is done at home anything else he learns is gravy. He also has to have all of his work completed the night before any outside activites or he doesn't go. Workboxes worked really well for us when I had the time to set them up. He works best when he can "see" the end in sight. He got to work at his own pace not one I set for him. I just had a meeting a couple of weeks ago. I went over every subject he was behind in. I asked him what he was going to do to get caught up. He surprised me with suggesting a block schedule, and doing school one day on a weekend. With the exception of a few subjects he needs to do everyday I helped him set up a schedule. We have a lot less issues these days. We are down to just 1 or 2 meltdowns about when we are going to eat lunch. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyWImom Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Once again, I am so thankful to have found this forum, and for all of the wonderful, caring ladies here. You've all made me feel so much better, and best of all, that I'm not alone!:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace'smom Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Many of you have mentioned HOD/Sonlight as helpful for your children with anxiety. Would Ambleside Online be similar to those in nature? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 :grouphug: My second son was a handful. When he was 8yo (and still in a traditional classroom), he had a complete psycho/ed evaluation. Some of the words that jumped off the page were "tendency toward perfectionism" and "a complete disintegration of skills in timed situations." Well, what is a traditional classroom but one timed situation after another. We started homeschooling in third grade. If there is an anxiety issue, especially one aggravated by perfectionism, there will be meltdowns that are draining on the whole family. I did make schedules. I was relaxed about the order things were completed. I did try to be consistent. Some days it just didn't matter. I know this sounds silly, but you know how you can crate train a dog so that the dog views its crate as a safe place? Well, when he would totally loose it, I would take him to his room and tell him that when he could get a grip he could rejoin us. We had lots of talks about how it is alright to be frustrated or angry, but it is not alright to vomit those emotions all over other people. I wouldn't go back and get him. I just let him determine how long he needed to get himself together. After a while, when I would see him start to loose it, I would ask if he needed some alone time. Then, he reached a point where he would tell me that he need some alone time. We didn't approach this as punishment, but as a lesson in personal management. I wanted to give him a skill that as a teenager and later as an adult would help him determine how to appropriately deal with not only his own feelings but also with other people. When he was a teenage boy, I knew that I couldn't have him getting in someone's face screaming at them and I sure didn't want him to be that kind of husband. This same child is now 17yo. He is a much easier teenager than my oldest who was a much easier 8yo. He has learned to look at a situation and determine how to approach it. He has learned when to walk away. He has also learned to evaluate a situation and determine if it is appropriate to do what he wants to do or what he thinks is appropriate instead of what is asked of him and how to explain himself and man-up to the consequences. (and let's face it- As a parent we don't want a completely compliant child. There are plenty of situations that as a teen and as an adult we want them to be able to do what they feel is appropriate rather than going along with what someone asks them to do.) He has learned to use his words and actions to represent who he is and I am very proud of him for doing so. As a side note, when he was is jrhigh and having a particularly defiant day, I did load him up and take him over to the public school. I don't mean I waited. I mean that I told him to get in the car and I called the school on the way there. I wanted him to see children being told where to sit, what book to open, when to eat, etc. After touring the school, I had decided that it wouldn't be so horrible if he ended up there and he had decided that he definitely didn't want to end up there. It totally changed our dynamic for the rest of junior high.:) Hang in there! There is no one else who is as invested in a positive outcome for your child!:grouphug: Mandy Okay, as the parent of a five year old with an anxiety disorder, who is a perfectionist, has no frustration tolerance, and likely learning disabilities, I like this approach. But.....my daughter is genuinely terrified to be alone. And if she's not alone, she's vomiting these emotions all over the place and making it impossible for anyone else to function. But, at the same time, she is genuinely terrified of being alone (as in, alone in her room). I've forced it a few times, and her reaction has been terrifying for ME. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy in TN Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Okay, as the parent of a five year old with an anxiety disorder, who is a perfectionist, has no frustration tolerance, and likely learning disabilities, I like this approach. But.....my daughter is genuinely terrified to be alone. And if she's not alone, she's vomiting these emotions all over the place and making it impossible for anyone else to function. But, at the same time, she is genuinely terrified of being alone (as in, alone in her room). I've forced it a few times, and her reaction has been terrifying for ME. Do you have a big comfy chair with a blankie/ afghan that you could refer to as her thinking chair, her calm chair, her safe spot (something other than time out)? I would think that the biggest problem with this would be that it isn't a private place to lovingly discuss the genuineness of her emotions versus the inappropriateness of her actions. The secondary problem is that her sibling would need to be taught that when sister is in that chair she is in her safe place and is to be left alone. (do not pester, do not love on, do not interact) HTH- Mandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I know this is not the same issue and you have some additional problems going on with your daughter, but I thought perhaps some of the advice in this thread might help. http://welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=245897 My ds can be very confrontational and give me a hard time about chores, school, anything. Some of the advice in the above thread really helped here in our home, particularly about how we speak to him. (The biggest challenge now is getting dh to change.:glare:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 If I didn't believe so strongly in hsing, and that it was what I was supposed to do, I would just throw in the towel. My dd has anxiety issues, and big-time control issues that stem from that, and it has made school a nightmare. For years, I have tried to find interesting, engaging curriculum that will work for her learning style, especially because she can be so difficult, and nothing I choose really makes a difference. We can go along fine, if she is happy, and then BAM, it's constant arguing. "I don't want to do this", "It's too hard", "I hate school", "How much more", "I'm only doing ___ much":banghead::banghead: I know that it's not about the curriculum-I know this! It's still so frustrating. We are seeing a therapist, and I know we can't let her anxiety rule our household. I am firm, and make her do all of her work, there are consequences, we deal with the bad behavior, I'm just so exhausted from it all. And, I fell like I'm not able to teach the way I want, and the things I want. I got Learning Adventures for next year, and was so thrilled, and my ds will do wonderfully with it, but I can already envision what it will be like with dd. I feel like I just need to pile on the workbooks like Abeka & CLE, and have her do as much independent work as possible. I'm considering the Virtual School again for her, which I really didn't want to do, because it takes so much time, and then my dc are doing everything separately. Okay, my pity party is over.:001_smile: I know so many of you are dealing with so much more than I am, and I feel guilty complaining. I just feel so useless as a teacher/parent sometimes. :grouphug: My DD has anxiety too. Have you tried any supplements or medication? Email me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I feel your pain. My ds9 is so frustrating. He's argumentative too...he says the same kinds of comments you stated. He has to CONSTANTLY be moving or touching something. He doesn't like being homeschooled and wants to go back to ps. (it's so tempting:001_smile:) He would not act this way with a teacher in school, I know. He makes our day last much longer than it has to and I can't get that across to him. For me, I need to work on being more consistent and structured with our day. I believe that would help some. But at the same time I hate to come down too hard all the time, then he would really hate homeschooling. Like you I've chosen a more structured approach next year using HOD and I am hoping we have a much better year. Sorry I couldn't offer any advice, but hope it helps your not alone.:) :iagree:Yes! My problem is that soon as I get DD to cooperate, little brother throws a wrench in it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 .I have what may seem like a slightly different approach to handling it...I treat him like everybody else in the house and do not engage him when he behaves that way...If he acts out too much, I send him to sit in a boring place alone...He doesn't like that, so when he rejoins us, he usually isn't being as confrontational...And if he still is, it is back to the staircase...I no longer go out of my way concerned about his reaction...I have noticed that it doesn't bother me as much now and he is more cooperative because no one is giving in to his demands...I use a very even tone of voice and just tell him "no"...He can come for breakfast in the morning, demand a different meal and claim that he is not eating what we are having...I simply tell him, "Okay, then you will wait for lunch", and I take his plate or bowl away from him...The rest of us sits down and starts eating...After about 2-3 minutes, he asks me for his food...[/color][/size][/font] Typical things that will happen now... He says he doesn't want to do his work, doesn't like it (when it was liked the day before), and generally doesn't want to cooperate - I tell him that we are doing the work now...If he insists, I look him in his eyes and tell him "No, you are not doing something else...We will not have (lunch, snack, or whatever comes next) until we do this"...If he starts the "I am only doing (fill in the blank)", then I do the same thing..."You are not having (lunch, snack, or whatever is enjoyable that comes next) until we finish...You will sit right here until you are done"... Some people think that this is mean...I don't...Some people feel we are forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do...We are...He acts out a lot less now and knows that we are not changing for him...If he has needs, then we will meet them, like we would anyone else's...We have our cuddle times in my bed or on the couch...I spend time stroking his hair and looking into his eyes...I genuinely love him and he is adorable to look at...He can also be very helpful to me at times now...But if he is just mistreating us, we are not giving in... I still just sometimes wish we didn't have to go through all of this :001_unsure:...It is getting better, but I still worry about what our teen years will be like... Again :grouphug: :iagree: Generally we don't have too many behavior issues. But, my kids have know from a very early age that they are entitled to food on their plate, clothing on their back, and a roof over their head. EVERYTHING else is a result of our generosity. In addition, the family motto is: We do not inconvenience other people. Our kids know we live by these policies. They don't always like it. Frankly, they don't always like us. But, the 4 oldest are over 18 and they are all really great, responsible people. The youngest two are coming along fine as well.:) IMHO, life isn't always full of the things we want. The trick is learning to do the things we need to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 Many of you have mentioned HOD/Sonlight as helpful for your children with anxiety. Would Ambleside Online be similar to those in nature? I am a SL person but I think Ambleside would be very similar. For my Ds SL gives him exposure to things that would simply drag on forever in other formats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 It's funny because I just read through this thread and noticed my comments...This thread is from a year ago, and as I was reading my response I had almost forgotten that my middle son use to be so difficult :tongue_smilie:...He still has his moments, but it is nothing like what was going on last year apparently...Re-reading this makes me happy that I took the approach that I took, because things are no longer like that... I also see many people run into problems trying to pick the curriculum that will make their child the happiest...I pick curricula based on what I think will get the job done that I want to use...If something is really not working for a child (and I mean that they are not retaining or understanding important aspects, not that they just don't like it) then of course I will look for something else...But I do not spend a lot of time and energy trying to make my kids happy...I believe over indulging kids makes them selfish, and selfish people are rarely happy with anything anyway...Being kind, considerate, and giving brings about much more happiness than being selfish... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 I'm so glad you pointed out this is an OLD thread. I almost responded to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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