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This is a bit of a morbid topic and I guess I'm taking planning to the extreme:tongue_smilie: but I was wondering if you all have chosen guardians for your children in the event of you and your spouse's death, and how that decision was made. What factors about the person, your children and yourselves as parents helped or hindered your ability to make the decision? What qualities were you looking for in this person, or persons? Would things such as whether they have any children currently, are married, age, financial security, parenting style, where they live, job security, political affiliation, discipline beliefs, religion, ability/desire to continue in hsing your kids matter to you?

 

Please help my husband and I figure this out!! It was something we had difficulty doing before his first deployment and reluctantly put my SIL, but seeing how she has developed as a parent there is no way I'd trust her with my cats! :lol: My family and his are incredibly dysfunctional with mental illness and very poor parenting skills running rampant. So if family is out, who do you choose???

 

So what say you, Hive? I'd appreciate your insight.

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I have thought about this a lot. DH and I discussed it briefly years ago and did not come to an agreement. My biggest concern in choosing someone is that they would bring my kids up as Christians. DH's parents would, but his dad has parkinsons and his mom has a rare disease that causes severe migranes and pain. They could not do it. My parents would probably get them and raise them well, but my dad's health has been in decline lately, so I'm not sure. Honestly, if I could choose, I would want them to go live with some dear friends of ours. They have 3 kids near in age to ours and we have similar beliefs and parenting styles (they even homeschool). They love kids and would probably take them in a heartbeat, but I have never asked.

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We didn't really have any trouble making this decision because we didn't have a lot of choices.

 

Both sets of parents are too old and there are some health issues.

DH doesn't speak at all to one brother and the other is not someone we'd want raising our kids. His nieces all have their hands full with their own families/issues.

 

My brother and SIL have no kids of their own and are in okay health but once DD is old enough, we'll probably leave guardianship of the kids to her.

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We have chosen guardians. I think its very important. I plan on being here well after my children grow, but then we don't really get to plan that do we? LOL

 

We sat down and talked about the absolutely MUST have's for our children. We must have a guardian who we trust to raise our child in church, with our core beliefs, and moral standards.

 

We talked about what would would prefer. We would prefer that whoever has them be able to continue homeschooling or if they can not do that a Christian Private School. We also prefer a family member to have them if it comes down to it.

 

And then we talked about things that were more flexible.

 

Our preference are probably not exactly like yours but you will need to sit down and decide what they are and then you can make a list of those "eligable" and go from there. We found that after we set out our list of preferences, very few met the criteria and we were able to easily eliminate. Then of course we had to talk to those still on the list and make sure they were actually willing to accept the responsibility.

 

In the end we decided to have my oldest brother put as primary with my parents as secondary. We decided not to put my parents as primary because we wanted them to be able to enjoy our children as grandchildren and we felt that making them guardian would take that away from both them and our children.

 

I do think it is something everyone needs to decide!

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We just updated our wills and labored over that decision. Dh is an only child and has no close family, so there weren't any options on his side. I have a sister and a brother who would both take and love our kids, but neither of them share our religious beliefs and we don't see them very often - from our boys' perspective, they are nearly strangers.

 

We considered some of our closest family friends who share our values, parenting and faith styles, but...that would mean our blood-families would pretty much be shut out of the boys' lives (not purposefully, but practically).

 

In the end, we asked my sister and bil to be guardians. Even though we have different 'worldviews,' I know they would love my kids, respect our memories and, in the end, that is what matters most to us.

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We chose my brother and sil as guardians. They are very different from us, but they love our kids and our kids know them and are comfortable with them. We are also the guardians for their two. Since my ds is older, we've been discussing making him the guardian; but for now, we're comfortable with my brother in that role.

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We did this last year.

 

Previously, when we only had one who was a baby, we had my sister and bil listed. Now we have three children who are older and have a life that they love. My sister is a grandmother helping her single son raise her grandchild. Things changed!

 

We have lived in this neighborhood for 7 years and there are several families who are like family. We chose one of them because they love our children, we feel like they would raise the kids as much like us as anyone, the kids love them very much, and this would allow the kids to maintain the relationships and life they have here among our friends.

 

This couple is responsible and we have utmost respect for how they are raising their own two daughters and the overall integrity with which they live their lives. They own their own businesses locally, so they are rooted here. They won't homeschool, but are heavily involved in the education of their daughters.

 

We made Bud's brother the trustee for the kids, so there is another pair of eyes watching the money, but we've made it clear to him that these people are to be treated like the parents and he's only there to make sure they aren't buying themselves a ski chalet with the life insurance money. He doesn't get to decide if the summer camp they choose for the kids or private vs. public university is a good use of money.

 

It was hard choosing someone who is not a relative, but in the end we have peace about it. Once we made the decision and asked the friends if they woudl do it, we told our kids and they were pleased with the decision, so that was a good confirmation to us.

 

ETA: We've also written personal letters to people who we think might have a problem with the kids going out of the family so that they understand where we are coming from. We don't want any fighting and hope that this will provide some level of understanding to my siblings. (Bud's family will have no issues.)

Edited by Amy loves Bud
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Well, for us, it was crucial that we appoint guardians who are just as devoted to the Christian faith as we are. Since that narrowed it down significantly (most of our family are not believers) we then went with the family that are the most secure financially. Since we have five children, it would be no small financial change to suddenly have them to care for.

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Our first choice has always been my parents. They are older, but my mom is in good health, my dad so-so. Also my ds and my mom have a special bond that would be essential if something happened to both dh and me.

 

He's old enough now that he would be helpful to them. I know he would be well loved and cared for. He'd probably end up in the high school down the street from their house. However, if he were living with them because we both passed away I would be more concerned about his emotional well-being. That would be looked after if he was with my parents.

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We did this shortly after our second son was born and we updated our wills. We chose my husband's brother and his wife as guardians because we think they have done a good job with their own children. We also trust them to follow our wishes for our kids to the best of their abilities and to oversee funds in a trust until our children would reach adulthood. We trust them to give good counsel to our kids and to make sure that our children continue to be a part of the entire extended family, both on dh's side and mine. Most importantly, they already love our kids as much as you can love someone, and I know our kids would feel warm and welcome in their home forever.

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We've never chosen. None of the choices are particularly ideal. I have several sisters, or there's my mom or DH's parents, and of course DW#2. One sister is PTSD and a bit unstable. Another is bipolar, though a bit more stable. A third is a good parent (based on how her teenaged daughter is turning out) and can't have any more kids of her own, but is single (divorced), very, very Christian, and dating a guy who used to make fun of me in high school (not that I'd necessarily hold that against him really--haven't met him in person as an adult yet as they live 2 states away). Mom and IL's are also Christians, though somewhat less fundamentalist. My bff might be a possibility, but she's dealt with chronic depression her whole life, has 2 kids of her own who are all she can handle (her own words), and her DH is also a fundamentalist Christian (though she's agnostic/athiest). My mom already has 2 little ones at home; she might be willing to take my kids on, too, but age and health problems, plus living two states away, might make that difficult. Of all the extended family, though, DD knows her best. As far as age, material security, and proximity, in absence of a will DH's father and stepmom would probably wind up with them. They're younger than my mom, very well off (FIL is a VP for a large tech corporation and his wife is a senior nurse involved in patient and professional education at the Mayo Clinic) and, though they wouldn't homeschool, they're at least in a good school district, fwiw, and there's no mental illness in that part of DH's family.:tongue_smilie:

 

It does bother me a bit that if something happened to us, our kids would likely be brought up in a religion I would rather they weren't. But they'll have their own chance to grow up and learn to think for themselves regardless, just as I did.

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For now we have chosen my husband's parents. My dh and I are both the oldest kids in our family and both still have brothers and sisters at home. Because of this, we didn't choose a sibling. They are all simply too young and unmarried (still in college or high school, etc.). Both of our parents are still fairly young (late 40s) and active in our religion and we both like our parents and feel that either would be a good choice. Both of our parents are also in good financial positions and would love to have our kids (in a non-morbid way). When it came down to it, we chose my husband's parents because his mother doesn't work and my mother does.

 

As a side note, my dh and I are both the guardians of our young siblings if either set of our parents die. I've been my sibling's guardian since I was 19 and my dh and I became my little SIL's guardian after we had our first daughter. Both sets of our parents believe we are responsible enough and that we will be the most likely to raise our siblings in the way we were raised.

 

However, as our parents get older, we may decide on one of our siblings, once they have settled down.

Edited by MeaganS
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After realizing we have no acceptable options in this regard, my husband and I have elected not to die.

 

Terri

 

 

I like this plan

 

Really the person I would trust to do the best by my kids is my baby brother; although he is the only one of our siblings who is not married, he is the one who would raise our kids the closest to the way we would raise them.

 

My dh and I have 2 brothers each; But my baby brother is the one we'd pick, especially I he EVER gets married!

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After realizing we have no acceptable options in this regard, my husband and I have elected not to die.

 

Terri

 

This sounds a lot like our solution.

 

There is really no one that we can agree on to assign guardianship of the DC. DH & MIL have (apparently) discussed this (without me) at some point, and she has expressed that she wants to be named guardian in the even that something should happen to us. I vote absolutely not, for a few reasons. First of all, DH & I are 26, our kids are 2 & 4, and DH's parents are 61 & 63. The math just doesn't work for me. Also, DH's parents don't play well with others-- specifically my parents, re: Time with the DC. They tend to behave like they are THE grandparents. (Or worse, the parents.) Not acceptable for me. This is

a boundary I have to repeatedly define, and without me around, there would be no one to do so.

 

My mother, though I love her dearly, is not financially stable. She spends the vast majority of her time & income caring for my SF, who has suffered 2 strokes in 2 years. Not a good idea. My father's family wouldn't work because they're just much more lax in their parenting roles than we could be comfortable with. Fine for the occasional over night, but not as a lifestyle.

 

My oldest brother is 19, and DH is an only child. We don't have any friends that we would mutually agree on, with the exception of my BF, who is currently in Germany as her DH is stationed there. That would be too big of an adjustment after the loss of their parents.

 

:glare:Gah!!:confused:

 

All this to say, you're not alone. I don't have an answer either.

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I agree with the not-dying plan. Choosing guardianship was the most horrible decision ever. Suddenly everyone you know and love is not good enough. :D We picked dh's sister and husband. Thankfully, however, we have survived to dd's 18th birthday, so she is now autonomous and could assume guardianship of her brother if need be.

Edited by Mejane
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We chose my sister. She has no kids of her own but mine love her and she is a teacher so she would have the same time off as them and they wouldn't need to be shuffled. I have no illusions they would be put into public school because there is no one that would continue homeschooling them. My brother is going to handle the money though as he's better at that.

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Our children's prospective guardian is my sister. Originally it was my best friend and her husband because my sister and BIL had 4 kids at home and a stressful life. However, we found out DS has Asperger's, and my sister's children have gotten older (only one left at home), so we switched to her. We just feel that the kids, especially DS, needs to be with someone who love them like family does, and understand the challenges DS can bring. My friend completely understood.

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This is a bit of a morbid topic and I guess I'm taking planning to the extreme:tongue_smilie: but I was wondering if you all have chosen guardians for your children in the event of you and your spouse's death, and how that decision was made. What factors about the person, your children and yourselves as parents helped or hindered your ability to make the decision? What qualities were you looking for in this person, or persons? Would things such as whether they have any children currently, are married, age, financial security, parenting style, where they live, job security, political affiliation, discipline beliefs, religion, ability/desire to continue in hsing your kids matter to you?

 

Please help my husband and I figure this out!! It was something we had difficulty doing before his first deployment and reluctantly put my SIL, but seeing how she has developed as a parent there is no way I'd trust her with my cats! :lol: My family and his are incredibly dysfunctional with mental illness and very poor parenting skills running rampant. So if family is out, who do you choose???

 

So what say you, Hive? I'd appreciate your insight.

Until our oldest is 18 we've chosen friends who are like-minded.

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We have poor options as well. The only thing that we have going for us is that Dh and I are almost never together.

 

I do have a suggestion for people who have chosen. Separate the money from the guardian. Appoint an outside person to be in charge of the children's financial interest. For instance we have 1 million in life insurance should we die together. That money goes to BIL with instructions that this is the children's money and he is to be in charge of their interests. If their guardians buy a larger house and use some of the children's money, they own a persentage of the house. This keeps everyone honest. Also who takes the children in case of a divorce?

 

Just some stuff to think about.

 

Lara

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well, our first three choices did not turn out well (All were relatives of dh; all had major marital problems revealed later.) Now that we're older, we have two couples: one lives nearby and one is a bil/sil who live far away. Nearby is first choice just because it would be less disruptive for our kids, who are teens. I think if they were younger, we'd reverse and have first choice be family far away. But for teens, their friends, youth group, etc. would be an important part of their support.

 

Our criteria included sharing our faith, and a similar approach to parenting. Generally, the couple's character is very important. We are okay with part of the life insurance going to expand someone's house. We don't expect the guardians to have to give a part of the ownership to our dc. We have 4; they will need more rooms. co-owning a house would be a major pain-in-the-neck and adding extra bedrooms doesn't necessarily increase the price of the house directly to the amount spent. We may have a separate trustee for the money than for the kids.

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We chose my brother several years ago. He has been since they were born. Actually he was there when they were born. He is like another parent to them. He loves them and they all love him and I know that he would do a great job taking care of them not only physcially, but emotionally and financially as well. He is not married and does not have any children of his own and he has a job he would gladly give up to stay home to stay home and take care of the kids. If for any reason something should happen to him then my oldest dd would be the second choice and although she is married and has a child of her own I don't think that would make any difference at all. Two of her sisters are living with her right now. Her hubby loves us like his own family and all of her sisters love them. I feel incredibly blessed to have two wonderful people I could count on.

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I'm relieved to hear we're not the only ones that have found our pool of possible guardians seriously lacking. Our parents are both too old and have too many health problems. I am an only child and my husband has only a sister that he is adamant about NOT making guardian. I agree with him.

 

That made us look closely at friends. We have it narrowed down, but have had a difficult time making a final decision :tongue_smilie:. We know this needs to be done, but ACK.

 

Suddenly everyone you know and love is not good enough. :D

 

Geez louise, isn't that the truth?!

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We haven't officially listed guardians yet (we should) but we've decided to ask my brother and SIL. He is my only sibling and DH is an only child. We decided early-on that our parents were out. My mom has already done the single-parent thing and deserves to enjoy her grandchildren. My ILs are incredible grandparents, but I don't think my MIL would make a good parent. There is an age gap with grandparents as it is. Couple that with the fact that my IL's are Russian (DH's generation was raised more like my parent's generation was raised -- their generation gap is almost a generation off over there) and I don't think it would be a good fit. We considered one set of friends, but I had doubts about him and when he became a parent he confirmed those doubts. I think what clinched it for me was the time we were over for dinner and he roared at his then 2 or 3 year old son, "Touch that again and I'll break you!" He son curled up on the dog bed and cried. Yeah, no thanks. She would make a wonderful mother to my kids, but not with him as a father!!!!

 

My brother isn't a perfect fit. He's not a kid person and claims he doesn't want to have kids. My SIL is the kindest, sweetest, most loving aunt in the world and is 100% mommy material. If it was just my brother, I would say no way. He couldn't handle it. He would do what he had to do for them, but he's not an emotionally warm person. He's stable and dependable, but not affectionate at all. They live in our town. Though I'm sure they wouldn't homeschool, they at least live in the best school district in our town and they would keep the kids in all of the activities they're in now so they'd have friends. My brother is very pro-education so he would stay on top of them about their studies and make sure they had any extra help they needed and/or provide enrichment opportunities for them. He's also a whiz with money. Even if he won't be guardian, I want him to be trustee. He would be sure to keep the best financial interests of my kids in mind.

 

If they won't do it, I have a set of friends I'd like to raise the kids, but DH isn't 100% sure. I think he's uncomfortable because it's a second marriage for both of them and together they have 3 kids from their previous marriages. Stability-wise, I think they would be the next best choice after my brother and SIL. She is my best friend and so much like me only way more of a worry-wart. I know my kids would receive love and attention, and she would be hyper-vigilant about looking for anything off in their physical or mental health. I know she would take the responsibility of parenting them very seriously. I've seen what kind of a dad her new husband is and he is a loving, involved father who treats his new step-daughter just like his own kids. He's more of a dad to her than her own dad in some ways. Again, I know they wouldn't homeschool (they both work) but they are very involved in the education of their children and live in an excellent school district. I know all of the kids' needs would be met and they would live in a home full of love and encouragement. I think DH worries it would be too much for them to take on, but I'm sure they would do it.

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Until just this past year, my sister and bil were my dc's guardians. They are very close to our children and share our faith. She is a public school teacher and my only concern was that I knew they would go to ps.

 

Now that my oldest is married, we changed our will to make he and his wife the younger children's guardian. I'm sure my sister would still be very involved with their lives, but being with their brother would be the best possible scenerio.

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Well, my husbands family is crap so that ruled them out. :)

 

I am the oldest of 7 so I have many to choose from. The next in line is my brother who is leaving to be a missionary to Mali, Africa. We crossed him off. After that I have 4 wonderful sisters and one brother who would fight over taking them. I picked the next sister in line because she is done with college and is a nurse. She works nights, but only 4 a week. Currently has no children and is not married. The other siblings would help her out in a hearbeat but are all in school still. I will re evlauate if need be, but I dont have to worry about a thing, becausee they would all decide what is best for my kids and work together!

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We have made my parents the guardians of our kids. Next in line is my sister. To me, it was important that the children be loved. And that they would grow up with similar values and customs etc.

Another aspect is that I do not think I can impose this burden on anybody who is not family. I do not have friends close enough that I could ask them to take on this HUGE responsibility that would completely change their lives.

(I myself would have acted as guardian fro my own niece. I would not wish to do so for the children of friends.)

The only draw back of the decision is that all family lives in Europe and that the children would have to move back there.

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After realizing we have no acceptable options in this regard, my husband and I have elected not to die.

 

Terri

 

:lol:

:lol::lol:

 

I almost spurt my lunch, this is hilarious! And it is just about where dh and I are. Rather than not dying, we have just been avoiding the issue.

 

There's not one prospect that really gives us complete peace. To many in our family, the choice seems obvious. However, to dh and me the "obvious" choice is not the best. So, we are trying to make arrangements in the most diplomatic way possible, so no one is completely shocked and offended when certain people don't "get" our kids. Yes, these things should deemed confidential unless tragedy strikes, but info slips. It would tremendously complicate family matters if certain people learned of our choice while we were yet living.

 

Our plan is just not to die until our oldest becomes old enough to be legal guardian for his siblings. He has agreed to this and wants to do it. He is trustworthy. However, he will need help if something happens before he finishes college and gets somewhat established. By then there would be only one (the youngest) sibling still considered a minor.

 

Anyway, I guess it's time to do something about this. Besides not dying, that is.

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My boys are almost 6, my DH is 49 and I'm almost 44. We need to get something in writing about this soon! Both of our families are out -- our parents are too old, my sister has 9 dogs and 2 cats for her kids (and not really any friends), my SIL has her 2 dogs and 2 horses and says she is too selfish to have kids (but loves my boys), my BIL never wanted kids (his wife did, but that didn't matter). My sister will try to take them if we don't have anything in writing.

 

So...we have narrowed it down to my best friend and her husband and/or DH's best friend and his wife.

 

My best friend and her husband have 2 wonderful daughters - one is 11 and one is 14. They are a good family that have the same values as we do. They would be responsible with the money we leave for the kids. Best friend is a teacher and will make sure my gifted son is challenged (even if they go to public school). They will make sure the boys are well rounded. They will make religion a priority (it already is for them).

 

My DH's best friend and his wife are a little older than my best friend. They've raised their 2 boys -- both of which turned out very well. They would be wonderful to the boys, would make sure they were in activities and such, would probably send them to public school also. They are not religious (a drawback for me). They would also be very responsible with the money we leave for the boys.

 

So...we will probably ask my best friend first and see what she and her husband say. It's a big responibility. If they don't want to do it, then we will ask DH's best friend.

 

After that, I'm at a loss...

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I have thought about this a lot. Our wills currently designate my parents, but the wills were written before Nathan and Ben were born. We knew we would have children, but my parents were younger then. I think they would still do it, and I know they love our boys more than anyone else, but it's horrible to even imagine them raising them. I hope you know what I mean. I mean, I want to raise them. I want to homeschool them.

 

I think since the boys are older, they wouldn't be all that much work if they were private-schooled. I know our life insurance policies would afford that sort of schooling. But, I should probably ask them if they would still be willing to care for them.

 

Although my brother and his wife are great parents, they are not present very often. They both work a lot, and the children have nannies and then preschool at two. They have practically no relationship with my boys. I interact a lot with their children when I see them, but they do not reciprocate, so they are out of the question.

 

I have considered our eldest, Aaron, because I think he would do a good job, but obviously I wouldn't want to ask that of him at the age of 20 or when he's newly married. It may be something we consider, though, as my parents age.

 

My husband's parents are in their late 80's; one turns 90 this year.

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General guidelines: someone close to your age--not grandparents, because you want the guardian to live beyond your dc reaching the age of majority and someone who you believe would have a similar parenting approach and life values.

 

We chose one of my dh's siblings. A friend of mine chose someone outside her family. If you choose someone outside your family it is especially important to follow legal documentation of this, so there are not questions about it. One of my siblings is a CPA so on life insurance she's listed as the trustee. The idea was that both sides of the family would work together for the kids. I know that not all families could do this, but in my case I'm fairly confident that all parties would.

 

When you choose a guardian, please talk to the people you choose first. Some people do not actually find out until after disaster strikes and that just makes the whole bad situation worse.

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I almost spurt my lunch, this is hilarious! And it is just about where dh and I are. Rather than not dying, we have just been avoiding the issue.

 

This is kinda us, too. We do have suitable people to pick from, as dh has 5 sibs and I have 3 (living), but we have still wound up in avoidance mode whenever we get around to talking about this. Even though there are adequate choices between different siblings, they all have drawbacks. The most common drawback, sadly enough, is just that I don't think this pair, or this pair, or this pair wants to be suddenly "stuck" raising three more kids. One SIL never lost a moment bragging about how much of a relief it was to be "over the hump" of needy young children. She has a few other drawbacks, too. One of the sibs would probably take 3 more kids right in stride, but she is an atheist, which is the deal-breaker for me. She also seems unstable in times of stress. My brother and his wife would be fine in every way, but they live 2500 miles away. I would much rather my kids stay here where their roots are then have to transplant so far away if they were already in the terrible situation of losing their parents.

 

*sigh* I know I need to address this. I even went to Legal Zoom a time or two, but one of their disclaimers right off the bat is "if you have children or significant assets, you should see an attorney." That is us. It chases me right away, which is dumb, because any will is surely better than no will.

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My brother would get our kids. By most people's standards he is a completely inappropriate choice, but he'd settle down if he had reason enough and he won't be marrying or having his own kids, so he won't mind spending his money on mine. The kids certainly wouldn't get the rigorous education I have planned (:tongue_smilie:) but he would teach them to be interested, which is a mighty fine thing. Overall, I'd say he's the best choice because he dislikes the same relatives we dislike :lol:

 

Rosie

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Until just this past year, my sister and bil were my dc's guardians. They are very close to our children and share our faith. She is a public school teacher and my only concern was that I knew they would go to ps.

 

Now that my oldest is married, we changed our will to make he and his wife the younger children's guardian. I'm sure my sister would still be very involved with their lives, but being with their brother would be the best possible scenerio.

 

Do you think M&S would take my girls, too? :lol:

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My brother would get our kids. By most people's standards he is a completely inappropriate choice, but he'd settle down if he had reason enough and he won't be marrying or having his own kids, so he won't mind spending his money on mine. The kids certainly wouldn't get the rigorous education I have planned (:tongue_smilie:) but he would teach them to be interested, which is a mighty fine thing. Overall, I'd say he's the best choice because he dislikes the same relatives we dislike :lol:

 

Rosie

 

That definitely factors into my decision, too. It might sound awful... but it makes sense to me!

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Being a military family this is something we've dealt with for a while. Originally when we had our first son and our daughter, we picked my dh's brother. He's very responsible and always wanted to be a dad (he now is married and they have 3 kids) Last time we updated our wills we switched it to my parents, who are currently 56, and 60, because they have seen how we raise our kids and wouldn't want to change that. My in-laws would be a better choice financially, but I don't care for how they raised their kids or a lot of the rules they had. There is also a big strike against them because even when they come to visit our home, they try to impose their parenting on our kids, even though they've known for 11+ years that we choose to parent differently. This is also why we haven't chosen any of dh's brothers (he has 3) because we've seen that since having kids, they have chosen to parent very much like MIL and FIL. My brother is still single and would prefer to not have kids, so we wouldn't want to put this on him. I would love to ask our best friends, because they parent almost exactly like us (they don't homeschool, but everything else is the same) but they have 3 kids of their own and are also military and we know how hard it is to move a family of 5 from place to place, so we didn't want to add another 3 kids to that burden.

 

The hardest part for my dh is that we've chosen to tell my parents just in case something happens, but have not told MIL and FIL because we know what their reaction would be.

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After realizing we have no acceptable options in this regard, my husband and I have elected not to die.

 

Terri

 

:iagree:

 

We don't have sibs able to do this *at all.* We have more kids than is standard.

 

Both sets of parents would gladly take them, but ils just turned 60--an awfully hard age to take 4dc, esp when the youngest is 2yo. Mom...is great, but it was hard raising *us* by herself. I'd rather her not have to do that twice.

 

No cousins.

No close friends.

 

Not dying. I hope!

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We designated my parents, because while neither set of grandparents is ideal (all are mid-60s and up), mine could probably handle the kids better, at least for a while.

 

Sometime in the next few years, we will likely change this to BIL (DH's brother). He is presently single but has lots of money and adores the children beyond all reason. I am certain that he would cherish and care for them as if they were his own. The only wild card in there is whom he might marry (there is no one on the horizon), but regardless, he's still probably the best choice.

 

My own brother and SIL are more settled, with their own children, but I don't think that they could handle 3 more.

Edited by JennyD
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Our lawyer told us we should have two sets of guardians picked--a first choice, and then a 2nd choice, in case something happened to the 1st choice. That was really hard! Having to come up with TWO sets of possible guardians!? Sheesh.

 

Our first choice are friends of ours. They're about the same age, have the same faith as us, and are much like us in their outlooks on life. Having the same faith is the most important issue for us.

 

Our second choice are also friends of ours. When we chose them, they had 1 child. Now they have 4. And the mom canNOT handle the 4 she has. Apparently she has depression issues and constantly snaps at the kids or ignores them while they shriek and fight. This reminds me that I need to contact the lawyer and get her OFF of our will. I would NOT want her raising my kids.

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So what say you, Hive? I'd appreciate your insight.

 

I picked my sister, who says she is too old (70s), but I made it clear her job would be finding the right place for him. I don't think my biological family is the only place on earth my son would be loved and cared for. She can decide where would be best, after consulting with him a little, too. Perhaps my brother, perhaps a grown nephew, or perhaps the son or daughter of a friend of hers. He'll have a nest egg, and he is a healthy, happy normal boy. I just can't see it a problem finding someone who will parent him and grow to love him for his own self.

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My brother and SIL are our first choice - that one was easy. A second choice is harder, but I believe it will be my brother's best friend from high school and his wife. However, he and his wife need to get married first!:lol: They are headed that direction for sure. We have other options as well - a single man that we have known for many years who I would trust with my life and an aunt here in FL who would take very good care of them (and she is still youngish.)

 

It may be that we will give my brother and his wife the decision making power. They will love and cherish them, but if they already have 6-8 dc it may be too much for them. I don't think my older ds wants the responsibility, but after he is 18 we will discuss it with him (at this time he would be a second choice because of the burden it would be on someone just starting out.)

 

As far as financially secure, that is what life insurance and a good, impartial trustee is for. The social security money would be sufficient for day to day expenses and the life insurance for bigger things. The trustee is to prevent the chalet scenario.:D

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