Tell me not to worry (8 yo and "bullying")

[Halcyon]

Okay, I wasn't going to post this here, but here goes.

 

Would you be concerned? I was at the Y today, and my 8 yo was in the unsupervised Wii room (i can see the door from the treadmill). Three kids in there playing Wii. One kid, it seems, came up to my son and said it would be funny if my son "punched" another kid in the stomach. My son went up to the kid and "pretend" punched him-he did not hit him. He says he thought it was all in fun and he didn't intend for it to be mean...but I think the other kid DID intend this--the boy that he targeted is older but a little bit 'nerdy' --hate to use words like this but trying to convey an image.

 

The boy wasn't happy with this and told the front desk what had happened..the way he relayed it was that my son's BROTHER had told my son to punch him (he didn't realize that they weren't brothers). When the attendant came to the Wii room, my son and this boy were wrestling, but it had gotten out of hand, to the point where (my son tells me) the boy was no longer playing. She told them both that this behavior was not okay but didn't come and get me immediately, but told them she would be talking to their mother.

 

I talked to my son about peer pressure and he said the kid "was his friend" and I was like "so, what is his name?" "Um, I don't know". I explained that not everyone is your friend the moment you meet them and that you need to get to know them a bit (he really, really enjoys knowing and being friends with lots of kids and is just overall friendly). I told him that when someone tells him to do something he needs to STOP, and THINK before doing it-not everyone has the best intentions all the time, but he needs to think about doing the RIGHT thing, not just following along with others.

 

He was incredibly, incredibly remorseful and sorry and apologized to the kid he pretend-punched (who was older than him by a couple of years). I do think he learned something today, and he seemed to get the importance of stopping and thinking before doing things....nonetheless, I was really disappointed and upset.

 

He is a really good kid, but sometimes makes poor judgment calls. This is an isolated incident, but I do think his desire to befriend every kid he meets might prove to be a problem unless I can somehow convey the importance of standing up for others, or saying "that's not okay", even if it means losing a potential playmate.

 

:(

Edited March 1, 2011 by Halcyon

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: He sounds like he's making the kind of judgement calls that 8 year old boys make from time to time. I think today's incident probably had an impact on him but he may have to learn the same lesson again a time or two. :grouphug:

[Starr]

Growing up is hard! Hang in there. :grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

Don't worry. Just watch & hope for the best. And, try to avoid leaving your son with that other kid!

[texasmama]

Haven't read any of the other replies, but your son sounds like a great kid to me. This, IME, is part of the normal learning curve of relationships. At this point, if he were my child, I would consider it my biggest task to help him to let go of the guilt and remorse. What he did doesn't warrant a huge amount of it. Don't worry. This is not a character issue - it's an inexperience issue.:grouphug:

[FO4UR]

My oldest is 8yo...this sounds familiar...and I would handle it the same way you did, explicitly teaching what went wrong and how to prevent it next time and making sure a remorseful apology was extended.

[kchara]

:grouphug: He sounds like he's making the kind of judgement calls that 8 year old boys make from time to time. I think today's incident probably had an impact on him but he may have to learn the same lesson again a time or two. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::grouphug::grouphug: Sounds exactly like something my 8 yo son would do. He, too, tends to befriend everyone, even before he knows their name. I think you handled it very appropriately.

[Halcyon]

Haven't read any of the other replies, but your son sounds like a great kid to me. This, IME, is part of the normal learning curve of relationships. At this point, if he were my child, I would consider it my biggest task to help him to let go of the guilt and remorse. What he did doesn't warrant a huge amount of it. Don't worry. This is not a character issue - it's an inexperience issue.:grouphug:

 

Thank you. He DOES have a huge amount of remorse-perhaps an outsized amount. He was beating himself up over it hours later (and I'm sure my obvious disappointment didn't help). Any ideas on how to help him get over his remorse yet at the same time not minimize the experience itself?

[RobinF]

Thank you. He DOES have a huge amount of remorse-perhaps an outsized amount. He was beating himself up over it hours later (and I'm sure my obvious disappointment didn't help). Any ideas on how to help him get over his remorse yet at the same time not minimize the experience itself?

 

I think you are honest with him. You tell him you made a mistake but you also realized it was wrong and tried to make amends for it (apology). Which is also a good teaching point that we need to be aware of what we are doing because sometimes it may be hard to make things right if it is something big. We talk to our boys a lot about being leaders. We tell them and expect them to do the right thing because they are leaders. This isn't something that comes naturally to all of them, but we are trying to instill it in them.

[texasmama]

Thank you. He DOES have a huge amount of remorse-perhaps an outsized amount. He was beating himself up over it hours later (and I'm sure my obvious disappointment didn't help). Any ideas on how to help him get over his remorse yet at the same time not minimize the experience itself?

 

I have a child who is overly remorseful, as well. I teach that everyone makes mistakes, even adults, and then we discuss whether or not the mistake made has logical reparations for it. If so, then we do it and then let it go. If not, then we learn from it and let it go. We are Christian, so I also use our spiritual beliefs to cement the lesson that God forgives. (I am recalling that you are not Christian, I think, so that part will likely not apply.) Then after we discuss everything and the feelings associated, I ask the child if he still feels badly. If so, then we keep talking about it or I may ask what would make him feel better. I also freely share my own mistakes made and how I decided to let them go, both in my childhood and presently.

 

For your son, the experience cannot be minimized by allowing the bad feelings to leave him, I don't think. He sounds like the type of kid who understood and will remember the lesson (made out of childish ignorance, not meanspiritedness). I would also stress that you know he is a kind person and didn't mean to be hurtful. Tell him that once you learn the lesson from an experience, there is really nothing to be gained from holding onto feelings that just make you feel bad.

 

That was disjointed, but I hope you can get something useful from it.

[LibraryLover]

I don't think that sounds outside the norm of the occasional little boy stuff . An isolated event in that sort of situation does not a bully make. You talked to him, and it also sounds like he's a nice little kid. I would not hit the panic button.

Edited March 1, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Margo out of lurking]

I wouldn't leave my 8 yo unsupervised at the Y. This is the influence that he's under. Your poor son was at the mercy of this older boy, and now he's feeling terrible about the whole thing. He's too young to be in this position in the first place, and now he's feeling terrible as if it were his fault.

 

Is this the policy of the Y to let kids of all ages run around like this? Are you in a class during this time? Is there somewhere else he can go, sit in a corner of your room, or in a chair in the lobby attached to a DS, or ? He needs to be in a place that's safe, and this situation is not it.

 

My goodness. After thinking of all of the possibilities, I think you're extremely lucky that this is all that happened to your son.:confused:

[Halcyon]

I have a child who is overly remorseful, as well. I teach that everyone makes mistakes, even adults, and then we discuss whether or not the mistake made has logical reparations for it. If so, then we do it and then let it go. If not, then we learn from it and let it go. We are Christian, so I also use our spiritual beliefs to cement the lesson that God forgives. (I am recalling that you are not Christian, I think, so that part will likely not apply.) Then after we discuss everything and the feelings associated, I ask the child if he still feels badly. If so, then we keep talking about it or I may ask what would make him feel better. I also freely share my own mistakes made and how I decided to let them go, both in my childhood and presently.

 

For your son, the experience cannot be minimized by allowing the bad feelings to leave him, I don't think. He sounds like the type of kid who understood and will remember the lesson (made out of childish ignorance, not meanspiritedness). I would also stress that you know he is a kind person and didn't mean to be hurtful. Tell him that once you learn the lesson from an experience, there is really nothing to be gained from holding onto feelings that just make you feel bad.

 

That was disjointed, but I hope you can get something useful from it.

 

Not disjointed at all--this was an excellent post and actually will help me too--I tend to hold onto remorse and guilt quite tightly, and I really think I need to learn to let go and forgive myself for things, and it will perhaps be helpful for my son and I to learn this together.

[Halcyon]

I wouldn't leave my 8 yo unsupervised at the Y. This is the influence that he's under. Your poor son was at the mercy of this older boy, and now he's feeling terrible about the whole thing. He's too young to be in this position in the first place, and now he's feeling terrible as if it were his fault.

 

Is this the policy of the Y to let kids of all ages run around like this? Are you in a class during this time? Is there somewhere else he can go, sit in a corner of your room, or in a chair in the lobby attached to a DS, or ? He needs to be in a place that's safe, and this situation is not it.

 

My goodness. After thinking of all of the possibilities, I think you're extremely lucky that this is all that happened to your son.:confused:

 

Hmm. I am literally steps away from the Wii room on the treadmill--the kids aren't allowed to run around willy-nilly, but the older ones, 8 and up, do leave the Wii room to go to the bathroom or get water.

 

In any case, part of the consequence to this incident is that he is not allowed in the Wii room for the time being. He will now be sitting in a chair, in my eyesight, doing his reading.

[texasmama]

Not disjointed at all--this was an excellent post and actually will help me too--I tend to hold onto remorse and guilt quite tightly, and I really think I need to learn to let go and forgive myself for things, and it will perhaps be helpful for my son and I to learn this together.

 

I'm glad it made sense to you. :D That is one of the benefits of parenting....it forces you to learn the lessons, too.;) What helps me time and time again is to ask myself if something is a character issue or an inexperience/immaturity/etc issue? Character issues are the ones that raise the red flags here. The rest of it we will all be dealing with until the day we die. It's called humanness.:D

[Halcyon]

I'm glad it made sense to you. :D That is one of the benefits of parenting....it forces you to learn the lessons, too.;) What helps me time and time again is to ask myself if something is a character issue or an inexperience/immaturity/etc issue? Character issues are the ones that raise the red flags here. The rest of it we will all be dealing with until the day we die. It's called humanness.:D

 

 

You rock. :)

[kalanamak]

Haven't read any of the other replies, but your son sounds like a great kid to me. This, IME, is part of the normal learning curve of relationships. At this point, if he were my child, I would consider it my biggest task to help him to let go of the guilt and remorse. What he did doesn't warrant a huge amount of it. Don't worry. This is not a character issue - it's an inexperience issue.:grouphug:

 

I tell my kid to say "If it is such a great idea, you do it." Also, pretend punches, unless this "nerd" has been pummeled, are part of fun and games for many kids. Of course you have to know them some.

 

I have had to train my son to ask names. He hangs at the Y in this bad weather (with dad) and there are a pack of regulars.

[MBM]

Besides the other good advice here, be sure to praise him when he makes future good decisions. Just say something short and sweet like: You showed a lot of self-control and good judgement in that situation when J. asked you to do X.

 

Good luck. My youngest was in a similar situation back in 2nd grade when he buddied up with the class bully to protect himself. It took awhile to teach him that a true friend would not ask a buddy to do things to harm others or himself. He eventually got it.

[Haiku]

I wouldn't worry about this overmuch. Kids make social blunders as they grow up. It's normal.

 

Tara

[texasmama]

You rock. :)

 

:D This made me smile.:D (See me smiling.;))

[simka2]

We have been dealing with some similar issues, with the 8yr old twins ;). We have begun to talk a lot about what a friend does or is. So in our case when this particular *friend* asks them to do something that they suspect is not OK, I ask if this the best *type* of friend to have. I have put quite a bit back on them. If they cannot make good choices around this friend, we are going to have to limit contact. Friends are a privledge.

 

I think this is stuff you are already doing, but just wanted to throw this out there. Also, I have one who is really hard on himself, so it is enough to point out the bare bones facts to him. "If you can't make good choices, you can't hang out. Here's why...." but with a quick follow up of, "I KNOW you CAN make good choices!!!!! :D"

[Halcyon]

We have been dealing with some similar issues, with the 8yr old twins ;). We have begun to talk a lot about what a friend does or is. So in our case when this particular *friend* asks them to do something that they suspect is not OK, I ask if this the best *type* of friend to have. I have put quite a bit back on them. If they cannot make good choices around this friend, we are going to have to limit contact. Friends are a privledge.

 

I think this is stuff you are already doing, but just wanted to throw this out there. Also, I have one who is really hard on himself, so it is enough to point out the bare bones facts to him. "If you can't make good choices, you can't hang out. Here's why...." but with a quick follow up of, "I KNOW you CAN make good choices!!!!! :D"

 

 

Thank you. It's so helpful to know I am not alone!

[Joanne]

The boy wasn't happy with this and told the front desk what had happened..the way he relayed it was that my son's BROTHER had told my son to punch him (he didn't realize that they weren't brothers). When the attendant came to the Wii room, my son and this boy were wrestling, but it had gotten out of hand, to the point where (my son tells me) the boy was no longer playing. She told them both that this behavior was not okay but didn't come and get me immediately, but told them she would be talking to their mother.

 

(

 

I'm wondering why this isn't being addressed? 2 of my 3 are boys. I understand the need and drive for physical play. But I discourage that kind of play between boys who don't know each other, and in some cases, in situations that have a pattern of getting out of hand.

 

Overall, though, I just want to encourage you to not make too big a deal about it. It just seems like silly, immature boy stuff from all sides.

 

I went to a gym regularly when my kids were younger. They benefited and so did I!