Heartbroken and FURIOUS - Long rant...

[AlmiraGulch]

My oldest daughter is the one that is home schooled. Many of you know that my ex husband has been living with me for nearly 2 years (after having lived apart for 3 glorious post-divorce years) due to some circumstances that have not and will not in the foreseeable future resolve themselves.

 

My dd began home schooling in 8th grade. For the bulk of that year I was the most involved parent with her education and she did very well. Her father was involved, but I was the one who picked the curricula, planned the lessons, and graded the bulk of the work. This year, 9th grade, he has been the one sitting with her and helping her with her work, almost exclusively.

 

Today I found out that she has done close to nothing for most of her classes. All. Year. Long. She has two online classes and she is doing that work, but she's failing one of them (which I did know). Today I went to look at her portfolio of work and there's really not much in it. Her father told me she just hadn't printed it, so I asked for it to be printed. That's when it came to a head....there's nothing to print. My daughter wrote me a page long note confessing that she hasn't done the work. Her father has known and they have both been lying to me about it all year.

 

For the work she HAS done, he has encouraged her to just copy the answers from the teacher's manual (in geometry, for example) to show me something was done. He has ENCOURAGED her to cheat, and then to lie about it.

 

I am stunned. I am hurt. I am FURIOUS, at her because she knows better, but mostly at HIM for thinking this is the appropriate way to rear a child. He is no parent. He is a good babysitter and house keeper, but a horrible parent.

 

In the "confessional" that she wrote me, she took ultimate responsibility and said that she knew it was wrong, and that she will be working evenings, weekends and all summer to catch up...whatever she needs to do. I'm angry, but proud of her for finally being honest. She did not try to blame him. It must have been a very difficult thing for her to write.

 

I asked her why she hadn't come to me before and she said "because you always look so busy." Well....mea culpa. I AM always so busy. I work a lot, and I travel for my job. But a) I thought it was being handled by her father, and b) I always thought she knew she could come to me. Apparently not, on either count. So, not only has her father failed her, I have played a part as well.

 

Right now I'm overwhelmed trying to figure out how I'm going to fit an entire year's curriculum into just a few months, while still working full time and traveling, studying for my own professional certification (which I can't put off because it's required by my employer) and trying not to kill my ex husband.

 

Any practical advice on how to tackle this enormous challenge is welcomed. Right now I'm just numb.

[Caitilin]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

So sorry, mama. I have no advice, just:grouphug::grouphug:.

[Mrs Mungo]

One of the good things about homeschooling? She can catch up. You have 6 months until the end of August. If necessary, work really hard on 2 or 3 subjects for half of that time, with a lighter load on the rest and then switch. Sometimes that makes it easier. :grouphug:

[Stacia]

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:

[Mabeline]

Ugh, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. :grouphug:

 

Could you have your daughter figure out what needs to be done by the end of the year and divide it by how much time she has to accomplish it? Maybe that way she can see what needs to be done every day and not be overwhelmed by it all. HTH

[Old Dominion Heather]

She is 14, right? Is she a freshman or a sophomore?

 

She did a good job owning up to the problem, but I would let her take the responsibility to plan or help you plan how she will get this work done. Ultimately, she is the one who it effects and she will have to decide to deal with the procrastination problem.

 

Just so you know, I've said many times on the boards that I was homeschooled. I did EXACTLY the same thing as a senior. In May, I had done NOTHING of my second semester's work. I had to make the work up and even then, I didn't finish until mid-late July. It ended up affecting the college choices I had and I ended up going to a school with open admission. There are worse things that could have happened.

 

I didn't tell either until I got caught. My mom was busy, too, but I knew good and well that I could go to her if I had a problem and you daughter probably knows that, too. I just got tired, wanted to goof off and then got overwhelmed when it snowballed. Add that to the fact that I was a quick study who could and did catch up with a week's solid work, and it was a recipe for disaster.

 

My mom and dad did me a favor by telling me that it was up to me to get the work completed. I came away with a much better idea of how NOT to let things progress to the point of no return.

 

I have no idea what to say about dad's responsibility in this mess. I'm sure you would probably like to leave him on a street corner!

 

ETA: Don't beat yourself up about this. You gave out responsibility and people didn't follow through. That is not a failing on your part.

Edited February 28, 2011 by Old Dominion Heather

[Jen in PA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MaryCatherine]

Right now I'm overwhelmed trying to figure out how I'm going to fit an entire year's curriculum into just a few months, while still working full time and traveling, studying for my own professional certification (which I can't put off because it's required by my employer) and trying not to kill my ex husband.

 

Any practical advice on how to tackle this enormous challenge is welcomed. Right now I'm just numb.

 

I would recomment that SHE figure out how to fit an entire year's curriculum into just a few months. She knows that X must be complete in order to complete this year, so this is HER problem to fix. Not yours.

 

Regarding the ex - if he's in a situation where he is depended upon to be a co-parent, than this needs to be dealt with.

[Guest joeleitz]

That's terrible! I can't believe that your ex-husband didn't know better? Why would he act so irresponsibly? If the work wasn't done what have they been doing together all the time that he was helping her with her homework? If she has to repeat the grade that will be more of a burden for you too and an embarrassment for your daughter. I feel for you.

 

__________________

atlanta real estate ~ a jungle

[Gooblink]

Your daughter sounds like a great kid. :grouphug:

 

As long as she's determined to get it done, she should have no trouble catching up over summer.

 

I know families who have gone a whole year without really doing "school." Not that I agree with letting life get in the way for that long, but...it is possible to recover.

 

Best wishes!

[Old Dominion Heather]

Another suggestion.

 

It worked better for me to concentrate on getting each subject done on its own, for example, I took two weeks and did 5-7 hours a day and completed Literature, then I switched and did the same thing for history, then Algebra, etc... I did MUCH better doing a block schedule where I would knock out a subject as an "intensive" rather than scheduling a little at a time. If you are ok with her working like this, I would let her give it a shot.

[AlmiraGulch]

One of the good things about homeschooling? She can catch up. You have 6 months until the end of August. If necessary, work really hard on 2 or 3 subjects for half of that time, with a lighter load on the rest and then switch. Sometimes that makes it easier. :grouphug:

 

That might not be a bad approach. I hadn't considered it.

[Jennifer3141]

Wow.

 

Well, I do think that your DD can get the year done by summer. She's going to have to push it hard but she can do it.

 

But your ex? Wow. This would be a deal breaker for me. I presume he's in the house so you can travel for work? He utterly failed as a parent and he can get an apartment while you find a nanny to help with your kids. What a jerk to lie about your DD's education to you!!!!

[LidiyaDawn]

Okay - I'd be very careful not to drop any 'blame' or anything at this girl's feet. She's only 14 and really, she did what her father allowed. (if I'm following this right - you're divorced, but you live together and you're both raising her?) I think it's a pretty tricky area to get into if it's "well you should have come to me" or "you should have known better" ...because Dad said it was okay. Know what I mean? Dad allowed her to do what she did - I don't think she has "ultimate responsibility" at all here.

[kchara]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

First, I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. It's perfectly reasonable to assume that the other parent is going to do what's best for their child. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. ;( I'm really worry.

 

Also, I agree with the PPs who said your DD sounds like a great kid. :D It's amazing, IMHO, that she owned up to it so eloquently. Remember (and I know, watching my parents who are divorced, that this is hard), he's not just your ex he's her daddy. When your parents are saying such opposite things, it can be hard to focus on the right. :grouphug: I'm sure she'll get caught up, no problem. I would, personally, be making my ex look for another home, though. If he can't follow through on the basic responsibilities of child rearing, he'd have to get out of my way while I did it.

[elise1mds]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I have no advice, just several

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

That is devastating on all counts. :(

[kchara]

Okay - I'd be very careful not to drop any 'blame' or anything at this girl's feet. She's only 14 and really, she did what her father allowed. (if I'm following this right - you're divorced, but you live together and you're both raising her?) I think it's a pretty tricky area to get into if it's "well you should have come to me" or "you should have known better" ...because Dad said it was okay. Know what I mean? Dad allowed her to do what she did - I don't think she has "ultimate responsibility" at all here.

 

:iagree: Pretty much what I was trying to say, too, only better. ;)

[AlmiraGulch]

She is 14, right? Is she a freshman or a sophomore?

 

She did a good job owning up to the problem, but I would let her take the responsibility to plan or help you plan how she will get this work done. Ultimately, she is the one who it effects and she will have to decide to deal with the procrastination problem.

 

Just so you know, I've said many times on the boards that I was homeschooled. I did EXACTLY the same thing as a senior. In May, I had done NOTHING of my second semester's work. I had to make the work up and even then, I didn't finish until mid-late July. It ended up affecting the college choices I had and I ended up going to a school with open admission. There are worse things that could have happened.

 

I didn't tell either until I got caught. My mom was busy, too, but I knew good and well that I could go to her if I had a problem and you daughter probably knows that, too. I just got tired, wanted to goof off and then got overwhelmed when it snowballed. Add that to the fact that I was a quick study who could and did catch up with a week's solid work, and it was a recipe for disaster.

 

My mom and dad did me a favor by telling me that it was up to me to get the work completed. I came away with a much better idea of how NOT to let things progress to the point of no return.

 

I have no idea what to say about dad's responsibility in this mess. I'm sure you would probably like to leave him on a street corner!

 

ETA: Don't beat yourself up about this. You gave out responsibility and people didn't follow through. That is not a failing on your part.

 

Yes, she's 14 and a freshman. Per your advice (and pretty much everyone else's) I'm holding her accountable for coming up with her own plan. I'm still going to have to check up to be sure she included everything, but she's going to have to come up with the initial plan on her own.

 

Thanks for sharing your own story! I'm glad to know my kid isn't the only one.

 

As for my ex...yeah...I'd like to kick him directly to the curb.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You must also institute some kind of accountability system where at least once a week you look over what she has done. I would take access of all books with answers in them or cut the answers out of the books. While she has owned up to what happened (once she couldn't get out of it), she's had a habit of getting by and cheating. She may have good intentions not to do so again but the temptation when things are tough are going to be even greater than ever.

[unsinkable]

changed my mind

 

ETA: I do wish you and your DD all the best as you work this out!

Edited February 28, 2011 by unsinkable

[unsinkable]

changed my mind

 

ETA: I do wish you and your DD all the best as you work this out!

Edited February 28, 2011 by unsinkable

[arghmatey]

I'm so sorry.

 

Well, you are right about it being very difficult for her to admit, and now she has committed to upping her effort to complete the work. I would not command a repetition of the grade, but she would still have to do the work until she mastered it to my satisfaction. That might mean she has to repeat the grade, but I would just let it be rather than commanding it as punishment (although that was my first thought!). She could also choose to work through the summer and on weekends rather than having to work through the same curricula the following year.

 

As far as the man, he shouldn't be trusted with the responsibility of educating her any more. He is a disgrace for encouraging her to lie and to be irresponsible. Have her scan in and send you her new work every week, so that you can check it from anywhere, even home if you are there.

 

Going forward, you now know you have to act as a manager and oversee the work even if you are not there. Good luck. And good luck dealing with her father also.

[AlmiraGulch]

Okay - I'd be very careful not to drop any 'blame' or anything at this girl's feet. She's only 14 and really, she did what her father allowed. (if I'm following this right - you're divorced, but you live together and you're both raising her?) I think it's a pretty tricky area to get into if it's "well you should have come to me" or "you should have known better" ...because Dad said it was okay. Know what I mean? Dad allowed her to do what she did - I don't think she has "ultimate responsibility" at all here.

 

I agree with you, mostly. However, at 14 she knows she should not be lying to me, and she also knows she should be doing her work. She didn't do it because she didn't want to do the work. My question of "why didn't you come to me" was not to lay blame, but really to find out why she didn't come to me if she was struggling.

 

That said, I place the real "blame" fully on his shoulders. What he has done is inexcusable.

[Mrs Mungo]

Another suggestion.

 

It worked better for me to concentrate on getting each subject done on its own, for example, I took two weeks and did 5-7 hours a day and completed Literature, then I switched and did the same thing for history, then Algebra, etc... I did MUCH better doing a block schedule where I would knock out a subject as an "intensive" rather than scheduling a little at a time. If you are ok with her working like this, I would let her give it a shot.

 

This might work too. Suggest different schedules and come up with something together. Personally, I agree with the others that I wouldn't put it *entirely* on her shoulders since her dad knew about it.

 

You must also institute some kind of accountability system where at least once a week you look over what she has done.

 

:iagree:

[LG Gone Wild]

Just popping in to say how sorry I am. Despite how awful, it is reparable (between you and her and the schoolwork).

 

As for the man, well, how about dealing with one problem at a time which is your dd and the schoolwork? He can go by the wayside for now.

[tex-mex]

This might work too. Suggest different schedules and come up with something together. Personally, I agree with the others that I wouldn't put it *entirely* on her shoulders since her dad knew about it.

 

 

:iagree: Let the chips fall where they may on that one. It is between her and her dad when she is older and wiser and sees the irresponsibility on his part. It may cause her to work harder, kwim? For now, summer school will have to do as a logical consequence. She can do it.

 

As for the ex, that decision of his may be a dealbreaker with his living in the house? It was childish of him to allow the cheating to occur in the first place for such a long length of time. One time, maybe... but all year long? Many teachers in a regular school are fired for such behavior. Don't punish the teen -- she is still a kid -- but have a good long talk with the ex. Good luck.

[elfgivas]

 

That said, I place the real "blame" fully on his shoulders. What he has done is inexcusable.

 

what can you do about this bit?

 

ann

[Margo out of lurking]

I would be devastated and equally furious.

 

It sounds like a very tough lesson for your dd but one that will help her grow. You can be thankful that you found out now (instead of even later in the year); you can be thankful that it happened this year, and her grades/schoolwork have plenty of time to recover over the next few years. You can be thankful that she feels appropriate remorse, and that you still have plenty of influence over her.

 

And this will also enable your dd to see her dad in a new light. It's an unfavorable light, but one that will stick with her and may be in her best interests overall. At 14, she knows this is such a breach of parenting on his part, and I don't believe most 14 yo children really want that from their parents.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[RanchGirl]

What a sad and frustrating situation you have there. It must be very confusing for your dd to have her father and primary teacher telling her to cheat on her schoolwork and lie to her mother!

 

I don't know your situation but she's only got a few years left at home... perhaps you'll be able to put off the travel job for awhile while you get things straightened out at home. Easier said than done, I realize.

[AlmiraGulch]

:iagree: Let the chips fall where they may on that one. It is between her and her dad when she is older and wiser and sees the irresponsibility on his part. It may cause her to work harder, kwim? For now, summer school will have to do as a logical consequence. She can do it.

 

As for the ex, that decision of his may be a dealbreaker with his living in the house? It was childish of him to allow the cheating to occur in the first place for such a long length of time. One time, maybe... but all year long? Many teachers in a regular school are fired for such behavior. Don't punish the teen -- she is still a kid -- but have a good long talk with the ex. Good luck.

 

She's not punished. I told her I'm proud of her for coming clean, although disappointed that she lied to me. She's working on documenting how far she actually got and we'll see what she has left so we can make a plan to get it done. That's pretty much that.

 

As for her father....unfortunately I'm in a position where I cannot just kick him out. He is my child care while I travel for work. I have no alternatives at this moment, so here he stays. BUT he will no longer have any responsibility for anything other than babysitting and house keeping. My daughter and I will go back to the method we followed last year, which worked well. It's similar to what some posters have suggested, where she is reviewing her completed work with me every week and, if I'm out of town, emailing me when she is stuck so we can set up a time to talk through it on the phone.

[AlmiraGulch]

changed my mind

 

ETA: I do wish you and your DD all the best as you work this out!

 

Thank you!