Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 No, this is not the loud child who was over yesterday. . . this young lady (pre-teen) sat me down today and proceeded to lecture me about how I was not parenting my children correctly. (She thought that I was too hard on one child and not hard enough on another:glare:) I was almost sputtering while I told her "I am the adult here and I am certainly able to parent my children without your input." I don't feel like I handled this with much grace. . . Have you ever run into this kind of situation? I felt blindsided here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 ah, well, a pre-teen is still a kid. It sounds like this kid wanted to play know-it-all. Honestly, I'd just sit back, smile and think "Aw, you're so cute when you play grown-up like that." I know that would bug her a bit. And that's okay. :D It is an awkward situation though. Will you be seeing her again? Is this boundary issue new? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 :blink: Happy to say I've never run into this. Since I feel blindsided just reading about it, I'm pretty impressed with what you actually said. Doesn't seem like a lack of grace to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 She's a friend's child, and the friend of my kids, so we'll see her. She tends to push boundaries in general but never this particular one before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Meh. That's sort of humorous if you ask me. Did she really sit you down and say she had something to tell you? I ask because that would make me chuckle (inside). She's probably headed for law...in the states. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Meh. That's sort of humorous if you ask me. Did she really sit you down and say she had something to tell you? I ask because that would make me chuckle (inside). She's probably headed for law...in the states. :D Well, she first tried to contradict what I had just said to my son (a request for him to help me, which he was more than happy to do). When I said, "No, he needs to do what I asked him to do. . ." She sat down and gave me her input into what I was doing wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Well, don't you know that you know everything until you have a child of your own? :tongue_smilie: My response to these sort of things is always, "Well, when you have kids of your own, you can raise them any way you want." Of course, I have never had to tell anyone other than my own children that. I would probably have been a little :001_huh: to hear that coming from someone else's child. I really tend to be more of a, "Broke your leg? Oh that's nice dear, now run along and play", sort of person so I would probably have given her a few uh-huhs, um-mmms and sent her on her way. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Well, she first tried to contradict what I had just said to my son (a request for him to help me, which he was more than happy to do). When I said, "No, he needs to do what I asked him to do. . ." She sat down and gave me her input into what I was doing wrong. Bah! :D I still think it's funny (although, yes, of course, rude for an 11 or 12 year old lol) , and I still think she may be headed for a law career in LA...or NYC. Maybe Austin. (I know, I'm awful.) ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Bah! :D I still think it's funny (although, yes, of course, rude for an 11 or 12 year old lol) , and I still think she may be headed for a law career in LA...or NYC. Maybe Austin. (I know, I'm awful.) ;) Well, I didn't think it funny at the time. (It made me P.O'd actually.) But I'm not going to hold it against her for eternity or anything.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 It's funny though, because I'm seeing some things in my dd that are similar, albeit not quite the same. It's like they are coming out of childhood and learning to voice their opinions, testing the waters, and enjoying this logic stage level of arguing their points... even when their points are not quite sharp. I always thought that this age was more of a physical gawky-ness, but now I'm seeing it as a whole other kinda sorta gawky-ness, where their brains are half mush but their mouths are working overtime. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I had a 13 yo. boy give me a similar little lecture, only about my being out at Estrella War while so very pregnant (he found me during pack-up of the children's area). He'd been in and out of Children's all week so had seen me there plenty. This particular young man has Asperger's, so I didn't take offense at his blunt and awkward way of expressing concern for me. I just told him matter-of-factly that he's not my mother, I'm an adult and make those sort of decisions for myself, and thanked him for his concern. I don't think I was harsh, but I was VERY direct. He seemed to get the point and left me be after that. He was a good kid and through the week seemed to listen well as long as I was direct and clear about what was expected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I had a 13 yo. boy give me a similar little lecture, only about my being out at Estrella War while so very pregnant (he found me during pack-up of the children's area). He'd been in and out of Children's all week so had seen me there plenty. This particular young man has Asperger's, so I didn't take offense at his blunt and awkward way of expressing concern for me. I just told him matter-of-factly that he's not my mother, I'm an adult and make those sort of decisions for myself, and thanked him for his concern. I don't think I was harsh, but I was VERY direct. He seemed to get the point and left me be after that. He was a good kid and through the week seemed to listen well as long as I was direct and clear about what was expected. When I read the op, I thought it sounded like the child must have some type of problem with social awkwardness. Perhaps Asperger's or autism spectrum, (or perhaps Jean's friend has somehow failed to educate this child in the fact that she is a child.) Really, this exchange crosses social boundaries on several levels. It sounds like something a dear friend might say to another very dear friend only with the greatest amount of tact and diplomacy, and only if the topic was something the first friend somehow introduced or asked for advice on. Really, it's very strange for a pre-teen child to be dishing out parenting advice to her friend's mother. The only experience that ever came anywhere close involved a friend's teenage daughter with Asperger's. Jean, is your friend, (this child's mother) aware of what her daughter said to you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 I had a "great" experience with an Aspie in a mall once when I was breastfeeding my son. He was "disturbed" and had to sit next to me to explain why what I was doing was so wrong. I could not get the kid to go away and his mother was no help. But he kept trying to lean over me to watch. Wow. I was never so excited to see a mall cop before. :D Jean, are you close to this girl's mom? Can you talk with her about her DD? This child does seem to be displaying some odd behavior with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 When I read the op, I thought it sounded like the child must have some type of problem with social awkwardness. Perhaps Asperger's or autism spectrum, (or perhaps Jean's friend has somehow failed to educate this child in the fact that she is a child.) Really, this exchange crosses social boundaries on several levels. It sounds like something a dear friend might say to another very dear friend only with the greatest amount of tact and diplomacy, and only if the topic was something the first friend somehow introduced or asked for advice on. Really, it's very strange for a pre-teen child to be dishing out parenting advice to her friend's mother. The only experience that ever came anywhere close involved a friend's teenage daughter with Asperger's. Jean, is your friend, (this child's mother) aware of what her daughter said to you? I don't think she's on the spectrum. I do think she has sensory problems (she is constantly touching etc.). And no, I didn't tell her mom this time because I've had to talk to the mom too many times in the past about other more essential things. I know the child better than the mom because while I am friends with the mom, it is more because the child is my kid's friend rather than the other way around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 :grouphug: i am glad you addressed it directly and in the moment. hopefully, she'll remember. fwiw, i tihink the issue is that she tried to contradict a mother speaking to her son rather than that she decided to have an "adult" chat with you about your behavior afterwards. and that is what you addressed by your response. not all families believe the mother ought to have any more say than the kids. as for me and my house, i reckon there's a reason children and teens don't run the world. or maybe a few reasons.... sigh..... ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 :grouphug: i am glad you addressed it directly and in the moment. hopefully, she'll remember. fwiw, i tihink the issue is that she tried to contradict a mother speaking to her son rather than that she decided to have an "adult" chat with you about your behavior afterwards. and that is what you addressed by your response. not all families believe the mother ought to have any more say than the kids. as for me and my house, i reckon there's a reason children and teens don't run the world. or maybe a few reasons.... sigh..... ann Oh I know that different families do have different views on this. I don't know enough to know how their family works. The situation with my son was a simple "Son, could you do me a favor?" and his "Sure!" response. I was flabbergasted when she told him to not help me out but to do what she wanted to do instead. Even if you don't think that I should have more say, she was still rude to come between us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Oh I know that different families do have different views on this. I don't know enough to know how their family works. The situation with my son was a simple "Son, could you do me a favor?" and his "Sure!" response. I was flabbergasted when she told him to not help me out but to do what she wanted to do instead. Even if you don't think that I should have more say, she was still rude to come between us. i think you should have said plenty, and i'm glad you said what you did. and kudos to your ds for a great response :001_smile: my talking about how families work (or don't) was coming out of my own experience with a family here who don't parent so much..... ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 concern, and that she was entitled to her opinion, it is not her place to critique my parenting decisions and to not do so again unless I specifically ask her. This butting into other peoples decisions, particularly adult decisions, needs to be nipped post haste, and if her mother isn't doing it, I would, at least as it relates to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 When I read the op, I thought it sounded like the child must have some type of problem with social awkwardness. Perhaps Asperger's or autism spectrum, (or perhaps Jean's friend has somehow failed to educate this child in the fact that she is a child.) Really, this exchange crosses social boundaries on several levels. It sounds like something a dear friend might say to another very dear friend only with the greatest amount of tact and diplomacy, and only if the topic was something the first friend somehow introduced or asked for advice on. Really, it's very strange for a pre-teen child to be dishing out parenting advice to her friend's mother. The only experience that ever came anywhere close involved a friend's teenage daughter with Asperger's. Jean, is your friend, (this child's mother) aware of what her daughter said to you? Whether the child has a problem with social awkwardness or it is "just" a parenting blip, I would say to this child exactly what merry gardens wrote above: "What you just said to me is something a dear friend might say to another very dear friend only with the greatest amount of tact and diplomacy, and only if the topic was something the first friend somehow introduced or asked for advice on. Really, it's very strange for a pre-teen child to be dishing out parenting advice to her friend's mother." I'd probably add, "I can see that you feel strongly about this, but it is not an appropriate thing for you and I to discuss." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 ah, well, a pre-teen is still a kid. It sounds like this kid wanted to play know-it-all. Honestly, I'd just sit back, smile and think "Aw, you're so cute when you play grown-up like that." I know that would bug her a bit. And that's okay. :D It is an awkward situation though. Will you be seeing her again? Is this boundary issue new? Yeah. That is probably how I would have handled it too.:tongue_smilie: The situation with my son was a simple "Son, could you do me a favor?" and his "Sure!" response. I was flabbergasted when she told him to not help me out but to do what she wanted to do instead. Even if you don't think that I should have more say, she was still rude to come between us. Oh no she didn't!:001_huh: Oh my. You handled it better than me. I would have raised an eyebrow and said, "Excuse me? I'm the parent in the this house and I wasn't asking your opinion of what we should be doing." And as long as she didn't make a habit of it, that would likely be the end of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Or you could just consider what she said, see if there is any merit to it, and then either learn from it or let it go, with something like, "Okay, thanks for sharing your thoughts with me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Or you could just consider what she said, see if there is any merit to it, and then either learn from it or let it go, with something like, "Okay, thanks for sharing your thoughts with me." Now that I think about it, I did do this a week ago when she had some valid observations about how my kids squabble together. I did consider what she said, thanked her, and talked to my kids about it. This time - there was absolutely no merit to her telling my son to not help me out. There was no merit to her telling me that as a parent that I should never ask my kids to do things to help out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 It's funny though, because I'm seeing some things in my dd that are similar, albeit not quite the same. It's like they are coming out of childhood and learning to voice their opinions, testing the waters, and enjoying this logic stage level of arguing their points... even when their points are not quite sharp. I always thought that this age was more of a physical gawky-ness, but now I'm seeing it as a whole other kinda sorta gawky-ness, where their brains are half mush but their mouths are working overtime. :lol: That explains so much about whats going on at my house :glare: I had younger brothers. The young woman would have been met with an, "I'm the Mommy, you're the baby." sort of speech. "These are my children. When you have your own, you may do as you wish. Until then, *I'm* the Mommy. Got it?" I don't do well when being questioned by nonparents about my parenting, even less well when its by children. Not even grown yet and think they should have an opinion about how another family does things. I don't think so, Tim. *wanders away mumbling to herself* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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