Hunter's Moon Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 The prompt: What is your view on the idea that each new success leads to a new and more difficult problem? New success does indeed lead to new and more difficult problems. We see this with every new president the United States selects because they face endless criticism and dilemmas. We also see this when Caesar's power continues to rise in William Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar." Not only does new success lead to new and more difficult problems in leadership, but in more everyday things, such as scientific breakthroughs. Election campaigns are a long ang grueling process fulled with promises of hope and change. When all is said and done by the candidates, all ballots are counted, and our new leader is chosen, the last thing the newly elected president will do is breathe a sigh of relief. They understand the road ahead is bumpy and erratically swerving. Everything they say and do is criticized. Their success at being elected is welcomed with many new and very difficult decisions such as war, foreign oil, and government aide. We don't only see this in present-day politics, however. Julius Caesar, the man who threatened the very democracy of Greece, knew just how difficult his leadership would be. In "Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare, Julius is faced with many tough decisions. The most powerful man in Greece is haunted by every decision he makes. He understands some want him dead, but he continues to climb his own self-made ladder of success just to face newer and more difficult problems at every step he takes. While leadership is a good example of just how difficult success is, we see it in every day situations too. Scientific breakthroughs are another place where new difficulty greets success. Take Rutherford, the man who disproved the plum pudding atom model, for example. Rutherford invented an experiment to prove or disprove the plum pudding model. After he disproved it, he still couldn't publish his findings, but he now had to do something much more difficult - come up with his own model of the atom. Based on his experiments, he eventually did create a new model. He called it the planetary model, but it is now known as the Rutherford model. New success is always met with new and more difficult problems. Not only do we see it with leaders such as United States presidents, or Julius Caesar, but also in scientific breakthroughs. ETA: This essay is unedited as I planned and wrote it in 25 minutes just like the SAT writing section. It seems kind of long to me, but it did all fit on the SAT practice paper I have, and it was in a size big enough to read. Also, I separated the paragraphs here with a space, but on the actual essay there is just indentations. The indentations won't show on here though. If you know how the SAT grading system works, I would appreciate if you could score me that way, but if not I would appreciate criticism or suggestions. Also, should I shorten it? It seems like a lot for a 20 minute essay. I ramble sometimes, so I'm not sure if I did here or not. Thanks :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I'm not familiar with the SAT rubric specifically, but I'll give you some thoughts as a former High School writing teacher. The prompt: What is your view on the idea that each new success leads to a new and more difficult problem? New success does indeed lead to new and more difficult problems. We see this with every new president the United States selects because they face endless criticism and dilemmas. Yes, but this is part of their job as a leader. How does their success specifically lead to new problems? We also see this when Caesar's power continues to rise in William Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar." Not only does new success lead to new and more difficult problems in leadership, but in more everyday things, such as scientific breakthroughs. How so? The how should be part of your thesis. Election campaigns are a long ang grueling process fulled with promises of hope and change. When all is said and done by the candidates, all ballots are counted, and our new leader is chosen, the last thing the newly elected president will do is breathe a sigh of relief. They understand the road ahead is bumpy and erratically swerving. Everything they say and do is criticized. Their success at being elected is welcomed with many new and very difficult decisions such as war, foreign oil, and government aide. We don't only see this in present-day politics, however. This is too general. Your other examples are specific people and their accomplishments, can you choose one president and give examples from his administration? Julius Caesar, the man who threatened the very democracy of Greece, knew just how difficult his leadership would be. In "Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare, Julius is faced with many tough decisions. The most powerful man in Greece is haunted by every decision he makes. He understands some want him dead, but he continues to climb his own self-made ladder of success just to face newer and more difficult problems at every step he takes. Like what? As he climbed the ladder, what additional problems confronted him? How were these a result of his successes and not just coincidental? While leadership is a good example of just how difficult success is, we see it in every day situations too. Scientific breakthroughs are another place where new difficulty greets success. Take Rutherford, the man who disproved the plum pudding atom model, for example. Rutherford invented an experiment to prove or disprove the plum pudding model. After he disproved it, he still couldn't publish his findings, but he now had to do something much more difficult - come up with his own model of the atom. Why? Based on his experiments, he eventually did create a new model. He called it the planetary model, but it is now known as the Rutherford model. This sounds like a success, not a problem. How did his original success create more problems for him and why? New success is always met with new and more difficult problems. Not only do we see it with leaders such as United States presidents, or Julius Caesar, but also in scientific breakthroughs. Expand. How do each of these examples prove that success is always (pretty strong word, you generally want to avoid these) met with new problems? ETA: This essay is unedited as I planned and wrote it in 25 minutes just like the SAT writing section. It seems kind of long to me, but it did all fit on the SAT practice paper I have, and it was in a size big enough to read. Also, I separated the paragraphs here with a space, but on the actual essay there is just indentations. The indentations won't show on here though. If you know how the SAT grading system works, I would appreciate if you could score me that way, but if not I would appreciate criticism or suggestions. Also, should I shorten it? It seems like a lot for a 20 minute essay. I ramble sometimes, so I'm not sure if I did here or not. Thanks :) For starters, it is definitely not too much. I like the way you used specific people and their accomplishments to illustrate your point. Second, do you have an outline you used prior to the essay? Refining the outline before writing is a great use of your time and the best way to stick to the topic, make sure your examples are parallel, ensure you have enough examples to prove your thesis, etc. The biggest problem I see is that you did not prove your thesis. I couldn't tell how success caused problems (which is your thesis) in these examples rather than problems just naturally occurring as a part of life. This problem may be solved by adding more detail, or clarifying your ideas (here is where I think a good outline would help). The secondary aspect would be to strengthen the thesis so that the "how" is included. Overall, it has a nice structure (intro, thesis, supporting points, conclusion) and you have the all the right elements for a good essay. With some refining & practice, I think it could be a great essay, and if you want to post an outline, I'd be happy to look it over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 I'm not familiar with the SAT rubric specifically, but I'll give you some thoughts as a former High School writing teacher. For starters, it is definitely not too much. I like the way you used specific people and their accomplishments to illustrate your point. Second, do you have an outline you used prior to the essay? Refining the outline before writing is a great use of your time and the best way to stick to the topic, make sure your examples are parallel, ensure you have enough examples to prove your thesis, etc. The biggest problem I see is that you did not prove your thesis. I couldn't tell how success caused problems (which is your thesis) in these examples rather than problems just naturally occurring as a part of life. This problem may be solved by adding more detail, or clarifying your ideas (here is where I think a good outline would help). The secondary aspect would be to strengthen the thesis so that the "how" is included. Overall, it has a nice structure (intro, thesis, supporting points, conclusion) and you have the all the right elements for a good essay. With some refining & practice, I think it could be a great essay, and if you want to post an outline, I'd be happy to look it over. Thanks. I did a quick outline (and by outline I mean simple list). The SAT book I have says only about 5 minutes should be spent planning and outlining. I'll search online tonight for some outlines I can practice using with my essays. I wasn't sure how to add more details because space is limited. Are there things I should get rid of in the essay and put the details in their place? I appreciate your time, thanks :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Ok, naptime now. I wouldn't stress about how long the outline takes at first. Mostly because the tighter the outline is, the less time it will actually take you to write the essay because you will already know exactly what you want to say. Making the most of the space is key. The more detailed or specific you can get, the higher the score (according to research). You don't want to waste space with something that can be more articulately worded. I think you can definitely eliminate some of the repetition in this essay and get in more details (I can give you examples if that would help). As for an outline, what I can see from your essay would look something like this (And for the record, I don't use formal outline form, so whatever form you are most familiar with can be substituted.): Intro A. What's your hook? - Defining success? An anecdote or quote? Why does success create more problems? Because it isn't final? B. Thesis - Success does lead to more problems as demonstrated by the processes of U.S. Presidential elections, ?, & scientific breakthroughs Supporting Example #1 A. Election of U.S. Presidents shows that success = more problems 1. Winning the Presidency means new President gets to confront bigger world issues 2. Specific President - Abraham Lincoln? Andrew Jackson? George W. Bush? 3. Include their situation and what larger dilemma they faced as a result of winning Presidency Supporting Example #2 A. Julius Caesar (this should probably be the example not the idea - what is the main idea here?) 1. How does this support your thesis? Supporting Example #3 A. Scientific Breakthroughs show that success = more problems 1. Rutherford's experiment proved plum pudding model false 2. Success in disproving it created bigger problem of needing to prove truth by building own model to replace plum pudding model Conclusion A. Restating thesis that success = more problems B. Reiterating how your specific examples indicate this is true From the outline, you can see that example #2 doesn't fit with the rest of the essay as a supporting point. Julius Caesar should be the specific instance of a bigger point or the other two examples should be specific people's instances rather than overarching ideas. If you choose the second option, then the people and their personal successes/dilemmas become the supporting points rather than the two processes (elections & scientific breakthroughs) that you currently have as main ideas. Does that make sense? Are you seeing how a good outline will help you focus the essay while still including more specific details and facts? Your ideas are all there, they just need to be clarified a bit :). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Ok, naptime now. I wouldn't stress about how long the outline takes at first. Mostly because the tighter the outline is, the less time it will actually take you to write the essay because you will already know exactly what you want to say. Making the most of the space is key. The more detailed or specific you can get, the higher the score (according to research). You don't want to waste space with something that can be more articulately worded. I think you can definitely eliminate some of the repetition in this essay and get in more details (I can give you examples if that would help). As for an outline, what I can see from your essay would look something like this (And for the record, I don't use formal outline form, so whatever form you are most familiar with can be substituted.): Intro A. What's your hook? - Defining success? An anecdote or quote? Why does success create more problems? Because it isn't final? B. Thesis - Success does lead to more problems as demonstrated by the processes of U.S. Presidential elections, ?, & scientific breakthroughs Supporting Example #1 A. Election of U.S. Presidents shows that success = more problems 1. Winning the Presidency means new President gets to confront bigger world issues 2. Specific President - Abraham Lincoln? Andrew Jackson? George W. Bush? 3. Include their situation and what larger dilemma they faced as a result of winning Presidency Supporting Example #2 A. Julius Caesar (this should probably be the example not the idea - what is the main idea here?) 1. How does this support your thesis? Supporting Example #3 A. Scientific Breakthroughs show that success = more problems 1. Rutherford's experiment proved plum pudding model false 2. Success in disproving it created bigger problem of needing to prove truth by building own model to replace plum pudding model Conclusion A. Restating thesis that success = more problems B. Reiterating how your specific examples indicate this is true From the outline, you can see that example #2 doesn't fit with the rest of the essay as a supporting point. Julius Caesar should be the specific instance of a bigger point or the other two examples should be specific people's instances rather than overarching ideas. If you choose the second option, then the people and their personal successes/dilemmas become the supporting points rather than the two processes (elections & scientific breakthroughs) that you currently have as main ideas. Does that make sense? Are you seeing how a good outline will help you focus the essay while still including more specific details and facts? Your ideas are all there, they just need to be clarified a bit :). Thank you, I appreciate it. I need to work on outlining. The only time I was ever forced to outline before writing an essay was 9th grade, and even then it was a flop. I'm an off the cuff type of writer, but I see with the SAT prompt I'll need to make friends with the outlining process :) Thanks again :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 I thought it was an awesome essay for 25 minutes. :) I like the way you segue from one paragraph to the next. I know it doesn't follow the formal essay format, but I think it works very well. I have no idea how they actually grade these, but I think this would have scored well. I would never worry about it being too long. Long won't necessarily get you a high score, but they've shown that the top scores are consistently given to longer essays. I also like the references to literature and science - definite bonus points. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter's Moon Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 I thought it was an awesome essay for 25 minutes. :) I like the way you segue from one paragraph to the next. I know it doesn't follow the formal essay format' date=' but I think it works very well. I have no idea how they actually grade these, but I think this would have scored well. I would never worry about it being too long. Long won't necessarily get you a high score, but they've shown that the top scores are consistently given to longer essays. I also like the references to literature and science - definite bonus points. :D[/quote'] Thanks :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 The prompt: What is your view on the idea that each new success leads to a new and more difficult problem? New success does indeed lead to new and more difficult problems. We see this with every new president the United States selects because they face endless criticism and dilemmas. I understood this better from your body paragraph. It might have been helpful to note the transition from winning an election to actually governing. We also see this when Caesar's power continues to rise in William Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar." Not only does new success lead to new and more difficult problems in leadership, but in more everyday things, such as scientific breakthroughs. This jolted me when I read it. I think it would have been less abrupt if you'd included Rutherford's name Election campaigns are a long ang grueling process fulled with promises of hope and change. When all is said and done by the candidates, all ballots are counted, and our new leader is chosen, the last thing the newly elected president will do is breathe a sigh of relief. They understand the road ahead is bumpy and erratically swerving. Everything they say and do is criticized. Their success at being elected is welcomed with many new and very difficult decisions such as war, foreign oil, and government aide. We don't only see this in present-day politics, however. Julius Caesar, the man who threatened the very democracy of Greece, knew just how difficult his leadership would be. In "Julius Caesar," by William Shakespeare, Julius is faced with many tough decisions. The most powerful man in Greece is haunted by every decision he makes. He understands some want him dead, but he continues to climb his own self-made ladder of success just to face newer and more difficult problems at every step he takes. While leadership is a good example of just how difficult success is, we see it in every day situations too.I think this would make a better first sentence for the next paragraph. Scientific breakthroughs are another place where new difficulty greets success. Take Rutherford, the man who disproved the plum pudding atom model, for example. Rutherford invented an experiment to prove or disprove the plum pudding model. After he disproved it, he still couldn't publish his findings, but he now had to do something much more difficult - come up with his own model of the atom. Based on his experiments, he eventually did create a new model. He called it the planetary model, but it is now known as the Rutherford model. New success is always met with new and more difficult problems. Not only do we see it with leaders such as United States presidents, or Julius Caesar, but also in scientific breakthroughs. ETA: This essay is unedited as I planned and wrote it in 25 minutes just like the SAT writing section. It seems kind of long to me, but it did all fit on the SAT practice paper I have, and it was in a size big enough to read. Also, I separated the paragraphs here with a space, but on the actual essay there is just indentations. The indentations won't show on here though. If you know how the SAT grading system works, I would appreciate if you could score me that way, but if not I would appreciate criticism or suggestions. Also, should I shorten it? It seems like a lot for a 20 minute essay. I ramble sometimes, so I'm not sure if I did here or not. Thanks :) I think it's quite good, especially for a first run-through on the essay. I think it would get around an 8. It's really hard to think fast of a position and supporting examples for those kinds of questions! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myra Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Here's my son's response to the same prompt! Any comments for improvement? Success leads to new and more difficult problems. Success is when an achievement or advancement is made in a certain field. This advancement could be anything from an improved version of a CD player to the discovery of DNA. At first thought a person would say success eliminates lots of problems. It does but it also has the potential to create twice as many problems to fill their places. An exemplary literary example of how success creates more problems then it solves is the novel Animal Farm by George Orwell. This novel tells the story of how animals, that are not happy with all the problems on the farm, overthrow the humans and take over. You would think with the humans gone and all the old problems fixed that all would be well. But it is not the case here. The pigs that led the revolt quickly take total control of the farm and begin to suppress the other animals just like the humans did in the beginning. In the conclusion of the novel the humans come back and together with the pigs rule the farm. This novel shows that while success solves some problems it really just makes a multitude of new ones. This specific situation is true in the real would as well since this novel is allegory for the Communist take over of Russia lead by Lenin. A second example of how success creates more and more problems while only solving a few is illustrated in the field of science. Scientists have been placing all living organisms into groups for decades. For a long time they would use the Five Kingdom classification system based upon observable characteristics. However in the last decade success in molecular biology has created tons of problems with that system of classification because the new microscopes are able to create a new level of observable characteristics. This is forcing many scientists change to the new Three Domain system. One would have thought that the advances would have solved problems but in realty they just created more. In conclusion, success leads to new and more difficult problems instead of solving them, as you would think it would. Since success is advancement in a certain field, it paves the way for more and more advanced knowledge, which the process of comprehending is a difficult problem. This is evident in science, novels, and in the real world. So like the saying which says that “you win the battle”, by having success, “but you have lose the war”, more problems emerge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Not to give an opinion, but it reminds me of my new word from The Middle. Its a proburtunity. So every issue that comes up now in my life is a proburtunity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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