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Tricks for correcting\discussing work with a dc who gets very offended?


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I have been working with dd11 one on one as much as possible with most of her work and while I am seeing some progress in her math and writing skills, I am still having trouble with her attitude. I am always loathe to correct her work because she gets very upset and I would say even indignant that I dare to think that what she produced was somehow not perfect.

 

The problem mostly arises from writing. If she gets something wrong or needs to make improvements, I first have to calm her down and get her to a point that she will even listen to me, then I have to go through the whole process of explaining to her that everyone gets things wrong, if she doesn't accept my help she can never improve, yada, yada, yada...if I'm lucky I can start to work with her on making changes or corrections, and then when it is all over and I've gotten her to combine two sentences or change a period to a comma, she either flits off to the next thing as if she is Little Miss Mary Sunshine and can't understand why my eye is twitching, or she holds a grudge the rest of the day. I try to always say something positive about her effort before I tell her what needs work but she just focuses on the negative and acts as if it is the end of the world while we are talking about the issue. It is very tiring. I have, I hate to admit, let many, many opportunities of teaching fly out the window because I simply cannot handle the idea of going through the emotional rollercoaster she goes through. I know some will ask if this attitude carries over to other things and the answer is a most definite yes. She hates being corrected in all things, but correcting her writing seems to illicit the most emotional response.

 

I really want to get this under control because I am embarking on about 6 months of more intense writing instruction and I don't think my nerves or my patience can handle going through this every time we need to work on a paper. I've talked to her about how her behavior\attitude makes it difficult for me to teach and difficult for her to learn and I've taken away privileges but it seems she forgets these things from one time to the next. I know there are others here who have dc like this...how have you dealt with it?

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My dd11 doesn't take constructive criticism well either. This school year has gone much better. She is now in an IEW writing class with 6 other children, and I'm the teacher. On Tuesdays, she turns in her papers, and I make corrections. I do not discuss the errors with her, although I may write lengthy suggestions or corrections. I rarely help with her work. If she does ask for help, I stop as soon as she starts getting excited.

 

I try to keep things visual for her, and I use as few spoken words as possible. I think that spoken words are more like auditory clutter for her, and she cannot handle it.

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I have this same problem with my 4th grader, almost always with math. Fortunately he is good at math, and doesn't need a lot of correction, but when I DO have to correct him, he inevitably melts down and tells me I'm saying he's stupid. Of course I point out that NO ONE automatically understands how to do math without being taught, and NO ONE gets all the answers correct when they are learning.

 

That doesn't make a bit of difference to him, he wants me to just "mark it wrong" and then move on without saying anything! Which of course in math you CAN'T do, particularly if the procedure he's using to get the answer isn't quite right.

 

One thing I've done is moved math to the last subject, so that way we don't lose a whole day over Math Angst. (Because I can never tell if it'll be a meltdown day or not). Sometimes I'll say can you check your work, or do that problem again, which works fine if he catches his mistake, but not so much if he doesn't.

 

He never used to have meltdowns in school, but maybe at school it's a teacher correcting a whole class up front, not him individually singled out.

 

Still, it's driving me bonkers.

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two thoughts and they come from being a piano mom.

 

#1) talk about it when there is no pressure. Bring it up away from school when you are both feeling calm. Make it a real two way conversation, ask for her ideas and input. Ask her how you can do your job in a way that doesn't cause upset. Take her response seriously but ask for help. Maybe...maybe..point out that this is good practice for her because in life we often get feedback that is difficult to hear. College, bosses etc all give feed back because they want her to improve.

 

#2) Pick one thing only. Tell yourself 'today, I am going to address XX in her writing and that is it" That is how I sometimes have to do it in music. I say things like 'today, I really want you to work on dynamics' and that is ALL I address. I don't mention posture or fingers or timing even if I have to bite my tongue. Sometimes I ask HIM what he is going to focus on and that is what we deal with for that practice.

 

#3) I just reread your op and I think you said some very important things. If you attempt #1, I would share some of that with her.

 

All I have is my elder son to go by, but those things have worked with him. If I treat him as an equal (almost, lol) and bring him into the problem, he usually responds very well. Does humor work with her? I am not above making a total fool of myself to defuse a situation.

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I have been having the same problem with my ds10 (11 next week). Whenever I try to correct his writing he just gets extremely defensive with me, he too thinks everything should be perfect once he's done with it. One other thing I've realized (though maybe not the same with you dd) is that he really dislikes re-writing because he likes to be "done" with it. So I've changed my tactic a little and always correct spelling and grammar, but try to talk about how we could change the writing. I don't always make him rewrite but sometimes I do.

Also, I've recently added Wordsmith Apprentice to his writing and just let him have fun with it and don't correct it (but I do look over what he's done). He's really enjoying this book. I'm hoping it will improve his writing without him realizing it!

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I've had the same question in mind for a while now. With regard to writing, what Ive read somewhere (maybe on on these boards or CM inspired method, can't remember) is to carve out separate time (maybe 1-2 x/months to start with) to go over with your child one of their compositions and model how it could be edited for mechanics, style, compound sentence structure, etc. When I read this, it made total sense to me in that it allows a cooling off period from personal attachments (for both of you) where then you and your dc can collaborate without (hopefully) much stress. In her middle grades writing lectures, SWB speaks to this...something about NOT turning every writing assignment into a marathon but cant' remember for sure. I'll get my notes and post later about this.

 

HTH

 

ETA: It has helped my dd10almost11 TREMENDOUSLY to type her assignments (she's learning how to type now too) so the task of editing doesn't seem too daunting.

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One reason why some folks like a rubric is that it lays out ahead of time what is being looked for in a piece of writing. The student has it ahead of time, so they can use is as a checklist for reviewing the writing and making corrections.

It also might indicate relative weight of different topics. (For example, all of the mechanics mistakes might have the same weight as having a good topic sentence and supporting detail. So a couple punctuation errors would be noted, but not be a major flaw in the same way that a rambling paragraph would.)

 

I might also emphasize that few writers get it just right the first time. Most have to go through several revisions to clarify what they are saying and how they say it, not to mention mechanics like spelling, capitalization and punctuation. (With one of my own kids, I would be tempted to point out that they were behaving like a fool to think that they were able to get everything right the first time. I've written (some published) and dh has written (lots published) and that just isn't what writing is like.)

 

:grouphug: Keep at the heart issues. They matter as much as the commas. Maybe more. Consider pulling back the level of difficulty on the writing in order to cut down on the number of tasks that she is trying to accomplish (or only make comments on a limited number of topics like topic sentence and supporting evidence but not mechanics).

 

Added: I would also observe that my kids reaction to editing something handwritten vs something on the computer is very different. It's easy to go in and add punctuation or capitalization on a Word document. But a page of corrections that requires rewriting a piece by hand is different. I sometimes have to separate the write longhand because your handwriting needs practice and the write on the computer because your content needs practice.

Edited by Sebastian (a lady)
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I think that Michael Clay Thompson mentioned that he would make written corrections on the kid's paper but not have him rewrite that paper. Instead he expected the corrections to be addressed in the next paper the student wrote. He assigned frequent short papers.

 

So if there was a verb tense issue in paper # 1, he would expect the student to read and understand the corrections, but not rewrite that paper. Instead they would focus on eliminating verb tense errors in the paper # 2.

 

I also agree that written comments are a lot easier to take than oral ones (especially for sensitive or perfectionist souls, like me!)

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I've noticed my dd is responding much better when I treat her like I would any other student. Correcting her in writing allows me to keep my own personal feelings out of it. This is something that tends to reveal itself more with my voice. I make corrections on her rough drafts in pencil along with multiple comments of praise. She loves reading my positive comments and I allow her to make corrections in her rough drafts by erasing the pencil and then making the corrections. I stilll have her rewrite it often but her new draft will already incorporate the smaller edits. The new rewrite will address some of the larger changes. The balance of positive comments with criticism helps a lot. We then only have to talk about new issues (something she is just learning) or talk about one or two bigger issues that we are working on.

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I'm so glad you started the post. It's nice to know my son isn't the only who despises correction. I do try writing corrections out, but for subjects like math, that is harder. My son is good in math but makes lots of careless mistakes. He's doing pre algebra this year, so he's learning lots of new concepts. He's struggling a little, and his attitude about correction is producing difficult times! I'm just praying that this too shall pass.

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Thanks for all the comments so far!

 

I don't correct everything she writes; usually only things she writes for writing instruction. Things she writes for science\history\or interest projects are left as they are right now.

 

I haven't given her a rubric as of yet but I can see that being something she would prefer to me telling her to check this, check that...and it would get her into a better habit of checking her own work instead of just spitting out her thoughts on paper and thinking that is good enough. At least that would hopefully take care of the minor things like punctuation, capitalization and spelling. I think typing final drafts is the way to go with her also.

 

So, if she is able to self-correct mostly with the rubric, then I could take her paper and make comments in pencil for her to read and consider without me sitting right there. Hopefully, she would be more inclined to discuss one element of her paper that needs work and could make a note to focus on that in her next paper.

 

You all have given me some good constructive ideas which I much prefer to the methods I've been using. I think I'm also going to help her make a composition mini-office with a general rubric, punctuation chart, editing mark-up chart, ideas for graphic organizers, a list of transition words to use, and maybe even a list of how to use phrases and clauses. I think I may make a new thread asking for ideas on what to include in that.

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