Okay, Boundaries-Challenged Relative help needed, my cyberadvisors!

[PariSarah]

So, in the midst of a whole nuther fiasco involving a certain phone message that I mentioned before, something else has come up. It's just beyond me.

 

So, BCR recently purchased me a few really nice suits at a terrific discount. They were originally quite expensive, but they were at a price I would have happily paid. (And that's sayin' somethin'.)

 

I was supposed to try them on in front of the whole famn damily at a recent family function, but was unfortunately, and unintentionally, unable to. I have spoken with BCR on the phone three times since then and have given lavish thanks, compliments, praise, appreciation.

 

In the midst of a "long conversation" about the phone message thing, BCR's spouse mentioned to my dh BCR's disappointment that I hadn't been properly thankful. I'm gobsmacked.

 

A few things are going on. One, I think BCR was genuinely (and validly) disappointed at missing the fashion show. Not being someone that can set aside minor disappointments with ease, BCR expected, I think, me to do something unusual or splashy to show my thanks. (Flowers? Pictures? Skywriting?) It was not that I was remiss in expressing my thanks, but that I did not think to do something special to make up for the missed fashion show that is the problem. Simple, appropriate, even lavish verbal thanks are now inadequate because the disappointment over the fashion show is eclipsing everything.

 

Two, BCR is currently in a high-stress position, with many minor disappointments that tend to pile up. Again, not being able to set aside minor disappointments with ease, BCR seems to be expecting me to make up for the hundred things that are wrong with BCR's professional life. This is not a need that I can meet.

 

Three, it is certainly the case that prior relationship issues are encroaching. BCR is looking for something to criticize, and this is just an easy target.

 

So, how can I deal with this? I need fresh eyes.

 

I've asked dh to communicate both to BCR and BCR's spouse his disinclination to hear such criticisms about me (especially when they're not valid) or to serve as any sort of mediator. If BCR has a problem with me, BCR should be a grown-up and tell me. It should not go through two other people to get to me. Fine. He's comfortable saying that, and he'll probably be able to cut such conversations off in the future.

 

But what do I do about the clothes problem? Threaten to send them back? "If I knew you were going to use them as an excuse to find fault with me . . . " Write up a blog entry about how wonderful my new clothes are? Complete with pictures? I thought about this before, but I'm frankly a little photo-shy at the moment, not having lost all the pregnancy weight I've wanted to. And now that I've been called on the carpet (wrongly, I believe), I'm not feeling particularly thankful anymore--I'm having trouble mustering up the sort of praise that would satisfy BCR. Write a thank-you note? That's never been an expectation between us before, and I'm loathe to set that precedent.

 

And then there's the satisfying BCR problem. How do you satisfy someone who will never be satisfied? I can't. Of course. But I don't want to use that as an excuse to be disrespectful. And I do genuinely love the clothes, and want BCR to know that.

 

*sigh*

 

I really need to be doing other things than worrying about this.

 

I finished all my grading for the semester. I was going to celebrate with Mr. Darcy. But instead, I'm all in knots over this.

 

Help?

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Could you knit something really nice as a thank you? Tell BCR that you wanted the time to do something special to show your appreciation in a more proper fashion than off the cuff?

 

Sorry I don't have a lot to offer on this one.

[Andie]

And then there's the satisfying BCR problem. How do you satisfy someone who will never be satisfied? I can't. Of course. But I don't want to use that as an excuse to be disrespectful. And I do genuinely love the clothes, and want BCR to know that.

 

*sigh*

 

I really need to be doing other things than worrying about this.

 

I finished all my grading for the semester. I was going to celebrate with Mr. Darcy. But instead, I'm all in knots over this.

 

Help?

 

 

But...you're NOT being disrespectful just because BCR's reaction was different than what you (or any sane person) would expect. I'd proceed exactly as you would had, say, *I*, a stunning example of sanity, given you the suits. And then, maybe a smidge more because BCR is BCR and you can sleep better knowing you gave a little more, while still not making yourself uncomfortable, kwim? So, if not a TY note, an email. Or cookies sent along whenever the next encounter is. Or a smallish blog post.

[lovemyboys]

And then there's the satisfying BCR problem. How do you satisfy someone who will never be satisfied? I can't. Of course. But I don't want to use that as an excuse to be disrespectful. And I do genuinely love the clothes, and want BCR to know that.

 

*sigh*

 

Help?

 

Something unexpected?

 

Do the "a bit above normal" like Andie suggests, and definitely the blog bit if BCR checks that out, and then....

 

Do something unusual, when it's not expected, like in a few weeks, because "you did something so thoughtful for me, I just wanted to let you know how much it meant...thanks."

 

Flowers sent to the office, perhaps, where BCR would receive extra attention from that?

 

That might be disarming and charming, and give BCR some pause. Either way, hope you can relax and enjoy your weekend, and your new suits.

 

 

 

btw, that photo is one of my favorite avatars, it's special.

[Jenny in Florida]

. . . I wanted to tell you that your BCR sounds quite a lot like my grandmother. She, too, would get into her head something she thought was appropriate and just never let go if she didn't get her way.

 

I remember one year when she got "hurt" because my mother didn't send her an Easter card. Now, please understand, neither my mother nor my grandmother were religious, and my mother could not remember ever sending her mother an Easter card in previous years. Nonetheless, my grandmother felt slighted.

 

So, my mother, attempting to mend fences, went out and found a card and sent it off to her mother.

 

It still wasn't enough. And, a couple of weeks later, a big manilla envelope arrived with a really, incredibly, sappily sentimental Easter card inside it showed up. It was the kind of card my mother would never have bought, and it came with a note asking her to sign it and return it, since that was the kind of card a mother would want to receive from her daughter.

 

My mother really struggled with whether to comply, because my grandmother--long before "scrapbooking" became a verb--was compulsive about keeping and archiving every card and letter she received. She had whole shelves full of scrapbooks in her living room documenting the life and family I guess she wished she had. And my mother just hated the idea of having that fake sentiment enshrined in one of those scrapbooks with her signature attached.

 

As I recall, she finally did it, though, just so as not to antagonize her own BCR any further.

[Jennifer in NH]

I might be the minority vote here, but I would give them back just because there seems to be so many strings attached to them....

sorry you have to go through hoops with BCR...I have been chuckling over the phone message though...makes me want to change our old lame one:001_smile:. good luck with whatever you decide.

jenny

[Lisa in Jax]

 

And then there's the satisfying BCR problem. How do you satisfy someone who will never be satisfied? I can't. Of course. But I don't want to use that as an excuse to be disrespectful. And I do genuinely love the clothes, and want BCR to know that.

 

*sigh*

 

I really need to be doing other things than worrying about this.

 

I finished all my grading for the semester. I was going to celebrate with Mr. Darcy. But instead, I'm all in knots over this.

 

Help?

 

Sarah,

 

I'm sorry you're having issues with a BCR. I've got one of my own, and BCRs can be VERY frustrating!

 

One thing you said made me think that there's an adult, honest way to let BCR know how you're feeling. You said, "I'm frankly a little photo-shy at the moment, not having lost all the pregnancy weight I've wanted to..."

 

IMHO, if you're comfortable being slightly vulnerable with her, I'd tell her or write her (on paper or in blogland), "BCR, I just wanted you to know that I really-really-really appreciate the lovely clothing you bought me. I've been feeling a bit (insert appropriate wording), and your gift was very kind. Because I haven't lost all of my baby weight yet, I'm a bit uncomfortable taking photos/modeling. Still, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I hope that my current discomfort doesn't make you think I didn't love the clothes."

 

I realize that you've properly thanked her and that this is overkill to any normal, non-BCR, but in this case, it may help b/c it gives her a valid reason that you are a shy about fashion shows or photos right now. Surely, she can understand that, can't she?

 

If this idea is too uncomfortable, I'd go for my old standby. If she hasn't told you adult to adult that her feelings are hurt, you have permission to act as though it NEVER HAPPENED. Give yourself permission to stop feeling guilty, and get on with your life.

 

Tell dh to never, ever tell you this stuff again. If BCR has a problem with you, she needs to be adult enough to talk with you directly. If she doesn't, you DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT. <g>

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

[beansprouts]

IMHO, if you're comfortable being slightly vulnerable with her, I'd tell her or write her (on paper or in blogland), "BCR, I just wanted you to know that I really-really-really appreciate the lovely clothing you bought me. I've been feeling a bit (insert appropriate wording), and your gift was very kind. Because I haven't lost all of my baby weight yet, I'm a bit uncomfortable taking photos/modeling. Still, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I hope that my current discomfort doesn't make you think I didn't love the clothes."

 

 

I like this response. It is very sweet and tactful. :001_smile:

[Maria from IN]

I have a BCR myself, and while I too would adore the clothes, I think I would send them back with a note (and a blog entry) that says:

 

"I genuinely love the clothes, but for reasons I don't know I cannot seem to convey to you properly how grateful I am to receive them. Your stress and feelings of disappointment over this and the fact that I cannot properly model them for you because of the remaining baby weight is something that will haunt me every time I see them hanging in my closet. So, even though the gift is thoughtful and wonderful and so dear to my heart, I can't possibly keep these knowing you are disappointed in my reaction."

 

The fact that your BCR is "not someone who can set aside minor disappointments with ease" is not your problem. The way you react to her histrionics is.

[Andie]

Could you knit something really nice as a thank you? .

 

 

Yeah...something like a muzzle! :lol:

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Yeah...something like a muzzle! :lol:

 

:lol: yeah, a muffler did come to mind here. Double meaning. ;)

[pianoplayer]

1. I would tell BCR that I only do fashion shows for my husband. :D

2. I would write BCR a nice thank you note. If that's good enough for Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt, it really should be enough for BCR. ;)

3. I second having your husband tell BCR to talk to you directly if he has a problem with you. If any further issues come up over the clothes, I would sweetly ask hubby to let BCR know that gifts should be given for love and should not come with strings attached.

4. I would try to forget about BCR's scene, wear the clothes, and enjoy them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am old fashioned - for gifts (esp. ones that are more nice or thought out) I write thank you notes. I don't know how old your BCR is, but my parent's generation (they are in their 80's) esp. is very big on this!

[*anj*]

 

 

IMHO, if you're comfortable being slightly vulnerable with her, I'd tell her or write her (on paper or in blogland), "BCR, I just wanted you to know that I really-really-really appreciate the lovely clothing you bought me. I've been feeling a bit (insert appropriate wording), and your gift was very kind. Because I haven't lost all of my baby weight yet, I'm a bit uncomfortable taking photos/modeling. Still, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I hope that my current discomfort doesn't make you think I didn't love the clothes."

 

I like this one too. I know that it's annoying to coddle people when they're acting that way, but do you think she'll ever change? If she could do any better she probably would, so I guess I'd just say extend her some grace. Just enough, don't go overboard. ;)

[Vida Winter]

No need to go into the reasons for no fashion show, no need to return the clothing (in fact returning it might really start something big).

 

If she can't accept that, well, you tried. Even complied with Emily Post. You've really got too much going on to waste precious energy on this. :huh:

[Peek a Boo]

1. I would tell BCR that I only do fashion shows for my husband. :D

2. I would write BCR a nice thank you note. If that's good enough for Emily Post or Amy Vanderbilt, it really should be enough for BCR. ;)

3. I second having your husband tell BCR to talk to you directly if he has a problem with you. If any further issues come up over the clothes, I would sweetly ask hubby to let BCR know that gifts should be given for love and should not come with strings attached.

4. I would try to forget about BCR's scene, wear the clothes, and enjoy them.

 

I like these ideas :D

 

 

and Andie...a MUZZLE!!! what a FAB-u-lous idea, lol!

[gardenschooler]

I would send a thank you card. I know you said you don't want to set that as a precedent, but isn't that much easier than the other alternatives? Then she'll know that you think a thank you card is enough, and she'll stop giving you gifts. There won't be any public display of gratitude, so she'll have no incentive to buy you things, see? (eeeek - I can't tell you how much like fingernails on a chalkboard your BCR sounds to me! But nevermind, I have low tolerance for um, people.)

 

I'd also ask dh just to not tell me all the back and forth with them. I'd try to help him not listen to it, either. Don't you have signals? Like he mouths, "It's them," and you set off the smoke alarm, so he can hang up?

 

I would do much worse, but you don't want to know all that. I can think of all sorts of evil things that would be petty and serve no good purpose. Like wrapping up the suits in a box and sticking strings all over it, or having my outgoing message say, "If you have reached this recording more than once, that means we still don't want to talk to you!"

 

Really, do you even have time to care about this nonsense? What a toxic, energy-sucker. She's her dh's problem. I'd tell him that, too.

 

Gosh, I'm mean tonight! :lol: Of course it's late, and no one will ever read this but me.

[Andie]

Gosh, I'm mean tonight! :lol: Of course it's late, and no one will ever read this but me.

 

 

I had a nightmare. Can't sleep. I'm a'tellin' everyone how mean you are first thing in the mornin'!

 

:lol:

[PariSarah]

We need a Pocket Hive. We really do.

 

I'm inclined to do what I would have done anyway, which is to mention the next time I wear them, and maybe, eventually, to get a picture of me wearing them on the blog. I know that I *will* get a lot of use out of them, which is probably what BCR cares most about. Hearing about all the interviews I'll be wearing them for (Lord willing!!) this fall will probably be just what BCR needs to hear.

 

And if BCR stews about it until then, well, it's someone else's summer wasted. Not mine.

[Danestress]

I think you call BCP and say "your spouse told my spouse you felt I wasn't properly thankful. I'm not sure if that was how you truly are feeling, but I am beyond thankful. I would never want you to think that I wasn't overwhelmed with gratitude. I love it and can't thank you enough. Thank you so much for passing that message on through our spouses, so that I would have a chance to let you really truly know how much I love it."

 

It's ridiculous for someone to behave this way, but what can you do? In the end, you want her to know you are thankful.