My 4yr old is a know-it-all, and tattling.

[Celia]

Looking for some parenting advice here on a couple topics!

 

My adopted dd4 is a know-it-all, and it's bothering me that she doesn't believe me when I tell her things and she tells me I'm wrong. It's coming across as disrespectful because rather than asking me why, she tells me I'm wrong. For examle, today on our travels, she insisted it wasn't winter anymore because she could see grass (it took a while to convince her that winter can exist without snow). Then she wouldn't believe me when I said we were in a certain city because she thought we were in our own, then it was an arguement over what day of the week it was. Many others as well. I feel like I spend way too much time in disagreement with her, and she really ought to take me at my word.

 

Is this a developmental stage that somehow my older ds missed, or does it sound unusual? I'm also slightly concerned at her lack of trust in my words because she has been showing some signs of attachment troubles lately, being quite a bit more outgoing with strangers. I'm having troubles deciding if this is just an outworking of confidence, or if it's cause for concern.

 

And on another front, anyone have any tips on how to deal with constant tattling?

 

Thanks Hive!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Both my children (non adopted) argued with me at that age . . . and beyond. I didn't spend a lot of time arguing though. I would just say, "this is what it is, if you don't want to believe me, fine." Then I would refuse to engage.

[ElizabethB]

Both my children (non adopted) argued with me at that age . . . and beyond. I didn't spend a lot of time arguing though. I would just say, "this is what it is, if you don't want to believe me, fine." Then I would refuse to engage.

 

:iagree:

 

My daughter was the one who got sucked into arguing with a 4 year old, we did what Jean said.

 

Finally, my daughter got it, too. She said to him one day, shaking her head resignedly, "You can believe that if you want for now, even though that's not how it really is." He thought she was agreeing with him, and she was happy knowing she had not really agreed with whatever strange thing he had decided was true. :lol::lol:

[annlaura]

When I was that age, my brother & I were quite certain all the vans with ladders on the back had swimming pools on top. Nothing my parents said could convince us otherwise. My DS4 is the same. Sometimes I correct him once, then drop it. Sometimes I say, "Do you think?" This actually works pretty well because he realizes there might be something he doesn't know. Then he will change tactics, and even ask questions. He saves face and we don't engage in an argument. Nobody likes being corrected all the time, so I try to phrase as many corrections as I can into conversational language, and to not give as many as I can let go. No advice on the tattling. Hopefully others will chime in.

[Impish]

Both my children (non adopted) argued with me at that age . . . and beyond. I didn't spend a lot of time arguing though. I would just say, "this is what it is, if you don't want to believe me, fine." Then I would refuse to engage.

:iagree: Its a great attention getter.

[Mynyel]

Well if you say so :)

 

That is what I *still* say at times. When I say that they start explaining the logic, when I am silent, then they start doubting and asking questions.

 

Sometimes reverse psychology *can* work! :lol:

[jld]

You know, I was just thinking this morning how bent out of shape I used to get when my older kids were little, and how I worried so much about things that eventually seemed to resolve on their own.;)

 

Just love that little child and be patient with her. Attach to her, and let her attach to you. That is all.:)

[beccad777]

It sounds normal to me. My four year old will argue that things are true when they aren't. Even my nine yr old does it sometimes. None of my kids are adopted. I think the PP was correct when she said that no one likes to be corrected all the time, so maybe just let it go or ask her why she believes that. When she explains, say, 'I can see how that could make sense, but actually.....'. Then you have validated her ideas and she can save face.

 

I am forever trying to figure out what goes on in the head of my four year old. He just seems to view the world differently than I would and it leads to a lot of misunderstandings regarding his behavior. I hope things get better for your family! :grouphug:

[beccad777]

Oh, and on the tattling, we make a no tattling rule. Then I let them know that if they tattle on one of their brothers or sisters they will also get into trouble along with whomever they were tattling on. A few trips to the naughty corner or afternoons without privileges usually calms the tattling down pretty quick. :D

[2squared]

My littles do the same thing - believe something that isn't correct - but I don't spend any energy arguing with them over it. My olders, however, will engage my 4yo, and it drives me :willy_nilly:. If my 4yo wants to believe that cows are blue, who cares??? He's 4yo. Some day he'll figure out that cows aren't blue, but his little mind might not be ready to accept it today. What I will do is throw out leading questions so my 4yo can reason for himself that cows aren't blue. If he gets there today, great. If he doesn't, great. He won't graduate from homeschool or public school thinking that cows are blue.

 

My olders are disciplined for engaging in silly arguments with the littles. I see no need for anyone in my family to spend any energy in those little spats. I don't need to hear them or referee them.

[LibraryLover]

Don't go down that road. Don't engage. Don't argue nonsense with a 4 year old. Say, "I wish it were spring!" and leave it at that. Who cares if she insists it's spring...winter means snow to a 4 yr old and no snow must mean something else.

 

Don't make an issue where there is no issue. Don't personalize these conversations with a child this age---it's not personal. It's developmental. Your relationship will be much closer if you don't pick apart every little thing that makes no never mind. Don't buy trouble. Save your energy for what matters. You might enjoy the book Your Four Year Old. It's an oldie but a goodie.

Edited February 20, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Ellyndria]

DS did this a lot at 4, and still somewhat at 5.

 

It has only been within the past few months that he's come to accept that there are only seven days in a week, instead of eight like he insisted there were. (He wanted there to be two Sundays in a week...starting with Sunday, and ending with another Sunday.)

 

I think I posted about this before, but last year he was so mad when he found out a Spinosaurus was bigger than a T Rex, that he insisted that a T Rex was bigger and that he knew more about dinosaurs than anyone else, so what he said must be true.

 

I think he is starting to outgrow this stage though.

[kewb]

My 10 year old still likes to insist she is right even with evidence to the contrary. I do not engage. I simply say "if that is what you want to believe, go ahead." It is not a hill to die on. It drives her brother crazy. She gets a reaction. She is happy.

 

As for the tattling- we had numerous discussion on tattling vs. telling so they would know the difference. Then I instituted The Tattle Form. You must fill out the form if you want to tattle. There are a bunch of questions you must answer before getting to the tattle.

Name, date, date of birth, address, house tel. number, my cell phone number, favorite food, least favorite school subject, favorite song, and so on. Eventually you get to who you are tattling on and what they did. This form greatly reduced tattling and reinforced info-such as cell phone number. They really had to want to tattle to take the time to fill out the form.

[cin]

My 9 yr old (adopted at 12 mos with a HORRIFIC 1st year) is like this. I can say the sky is blue, but she will tell me it's >insert shade of blue here< No matter what I say, I'm wrong. To the point of me wanting to just wring. her. skinny. neck!!!

 

Tattling, ugh. I don't even want to go there. She has a fun way of doing it. She acts like she's talking to her sis, but talks loud and with her head pointed towards me. "Zee, I don't think you should use the scissors". etc.

 

She's done this to the point of having Zee bawling her eyes out because of the tattling. And getting Pip in trouble NEVER even occurs to Zee. Poor kid. I love my oldest to pieces, but somedays can't stand to be in the same room with her.

[mktkcb]

You need to learn the magic word :o). Here it is. "Whatever!" said in the most cheerful of voices. I, too, have the world's most irrational child...who is now 14, btw, and still occasionally irrational about the most annoying of things. Honestly, do not engage. It is for attention. You can make it into a huge respect issue if you want, but I would spare myself the energy if I were you. JMO....having dealt with semi irrational/SPD/world's most stubborn children for the last...oh...20 years or so (who are now mostly grown and amazingly more rational LOL). The 14yo is my youngest, btw, but my oldest was just as bad.

[Ginevra]

Is this a developmental stage that somehow my older ds missed,

 

Yes. I find that common in a 4 year old. But, since it takes two to tango, there's no point trying to logically reason against it.

[nd293]

My littles do the same thing - believe something that isn't correct - but I don't spend any energy arguing with them over it. My olders, however, will engage my 4yo, and it drives me :willy_nilly:. If my 4yo wants to believe that cows are blue, who cares??? He's 4yo. Some day he'll figure out that cows aren't blue, but his little mind might not be ready to accept it today. What I will do is throw out leading questions so my 4yo can reason for himself that cows aren't blue. If he gets there today, great. If he doesn't, great. He won't graduate from homeschool or public school thinking that cows are blue.

 

My olders are disciplined for engaging in silly arguments with the littles. I see no need for anyone in my family to spend any energy in those little spats. I don't need to hear them or referee them.

 

:iagree:110%

Absolutely normal and how COOL, when you're 4yrs old, to have an adult so interested in what you have to say that they'll get themselves completely worked up arguing with you! What power!

 

I do not engage in ridiculous arguments with my ds4: I will explain once why the information he is working on is incorrect, and that's where it ends. It drives me crazy that dd10 will not take the same approach with him. Having her going on and on trying to convince him of some irrefutable fact is like being stuck in a room with a fly buzzing around my head. I won't have her arguing with him over where we live anymore than I'd have her arguing with someone over their religious beliefs - in what way does it impact on her well-being?

Edited February 21, 2011 by nd293

[waa510]

I'll echo the pp's and say *not* to engage..she will argue you to death!! My oldest will do this when she's in one of her moods..I just shrug and say "OK, if you say so." after explaining gently that, while that's a good hypothesis, she's not exactly correct. She also was a tattler, until I told her that it's OK to tell to get someone "out" of trouble (such as Mommy, dd2 is playing with *insert dangerous object here*) but not OK to get someone *in* to trouble for something petty. It sounds weird but I wanted to be sure that if someone was in danger, that she wouldn't see that as tattling. It has helped her to distinguish whether telling is really needed or not.

 

I'm far from a parenting expert, but hth!