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Well, I'm particularly lucky because my dh shows love through acts of service - so he will often see things that need to be done and just do them. However, we have an agreement that I can't hold him responsible to do something unless I've vocalized the request. If I don't ask in words, I have no right to be resentful about it not getting done.

 

It works, most of the time. :)

 

When I'm sick or out of commission in some way, I either need to leave a detailed list and go over it with him personally or else just be okay with stuff not being done.

 

Mama Anna

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My dh is VERY helpful around the house ..... if I give him a specific request. There can be a gargantuan mountain of laundry, and he will wash the five dishes. Our yard can be a jungle, and he will dust the three specks of dust. I just learned to be more specific when I ask for help around the house. Very, very specific.

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simple question....does your husband see what needs to be done and help you with things around the house...or do you always need to ask for help if you want him to help you with something? Especially if you are sick or hurt?

About 90% of the time I have to ask, or tell him specifically what I want him to do ("Straighten up the kitchen, please" gets some garbage thrown away and some dirty dishes into the dish washer. "Could you wash the dishes, empty the garbage, and pack away the leftovers, please?" gets it about 80% done. :tongue_smilie: )

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simple question....does your husband see what needs to be done and help you with things around the house...or do you always need to ask for help if you want him to help you with something? Especially if you are sick or hurt?

 

The latter. Even if the water is cold and he has to shower in it cold, he won't investigate what to do about it unless I ask. True story that happened TODAY!

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Dh doesn't see most of it until it is "in his face." I've taught him over the years to see the dishes and to see the laundry.

 

He has never been able to see that the carpeting has been cleaned or that the bathroom has been scoured.

 

He will help me if I ask. He will also do laundry and/or dishes if he sees it. If I'm sick I won't have to get out of bed to a filthy kitchen.

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The latter. Even if the water is cold and he has to shower in it cold, he won't investigate what to do about it unless I ask. True story that happened TODAY!

 

Dh was down in the quiet basement and heard the drip, drip, drip going on for about 2 minutes, but did not investigate until I called down to him to see if he knew what it was. :glare:

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My husband has had intermittent employment over the last 4 years. I have worked a combination of jobs and been a full time student. He has not only "helped" but has handled most of the homemaking and kid related stuff.

 

He will start back to work next week (or the week after) as a school bus driver so that we'll have good benefits and one of us will be available to handle family management needs.

 

It is such a contrast to the division of labor I experienced previously.

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LOLLOLOLLOL!!!!!!!!!!!We came home to a sick doggie today, and he grabbed the Dr Bronner's. HOWEVER, I have certain cleaning needs that even my own mother could not see. I would never think my dh could see those. :D

 

:lol: These needs would put me in the itchbay ategorycay.

Edited by LibraryLover
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The having to ask is what makes me crazy-shrew-of-a-wife. I have no idea why I would have to ask dh to vacuum the carpets in his house. Or anything else. To me it makes me feel like I'm thought of as the maid, "I don't have to vacuum, my wife (the maid) will do it."

 

Over the past 3 years we have argument after argument about cleaning and me not being the maid (and cook). He is getting better, but there have been lots of tears and overwhelming frustration on my part.

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DH does way more work around the house than I do, but not the kind I sometimes want!

 

He has laid all the hardwoods on the main floor

He remodeled 2 bathrooms so far

Currently putting up drywall and taping and mudding the basement

Does all the 2.5 acres of landscaping and yardwork

Has painted the entire interior of the house

lays tile

Replaces lights/ceiling fans

Replaces garage doors

Fixes all the cars himself, no matter how hard the job

 

and the list goes on an on......so I can't complain about cleaning.

 

Dawn

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Yes and no. We established from day one of our marriage who would be in charge if which household duties and that has stood for 14 years (i.e. he does dishes, I do laundry, he takes care of the yard, I pay the bills, etc.).

 

Outside of that, he will do anything I ask but I do usually have to ask. He just doesn't "see" things like I do. But if I ask he is happy to help.

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There are a few things that he will do on his own (things that are important to him). I have to ask for everything else, including taking out the kitchen trash, which we have agreed is his job. He has vacuumed about twice in the almost 12 years we have been married. If I leave the kids with him, he needs me to remind him to feed them...or they remind them. If he isn't hungry, he doesn't think to feed anyone else.

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I am very blessed. My dh just dives in and does what needs to be done - especially if I am sick. He is also an expert at getting the kids motivated and working (there's usually a movie promised at the end of work time). I have a bad back, so he realizes that if things have gone undone it's because I'm having a particularly rough day. He is also the kind of person who expresses his love through acts of service - not the type to buy flowers or gifts.

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If I am sick or hurt, dh is very quick to take care of things. I broke my arm while pregnant with dd and he did everything - changed all of ds's diapers when he was home, did all baths, did all the dishes. He always cooks, plans and (if not part of regular weekly trip) shops for dinner. He will change a diaper if he sees it needs to be done.

 

He doesn't do dishes, laundry or general cleaning on a normal basis because we agreed those things would be my responsibility since I'm home all day. Most important to me - he NEVER gives me a hard time if the house is mess.

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As texasmama said, "There are a few things that he will do on his own (things that are important to him). I have to ask for everything else, including taking out the kitchen trash, which we have agreed is his job. He has vacuumed about twnety times in the almost 20 years we have been married. If I leave the kids with him, he needs me to remind him to feed them...or they remind them. If he isn't hungry, he doesn't think to feed anyone else." The bolded part reflects my reality.

 

BUT.....

 

He does all this...

 

Does all the .3 acres of landscaping and yardwork

Has painted the most of the interior of the house

Notices the drips, burnt out lights and broken appliances around the house and fixes them too..

Replaces garage doors

Fixes all the cars himself, no matter how hard the job

Pays the bills

Manages finances

and goes to a job he hates for 45-50 hours a week

 

and the list goes on an on......so I can't complain about cleaning.

 

I do feel "like the maid" sometimes. I'm sure he feels like a "paycheck" sometimes.... That's just LIFE!

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Dh is very good about cleaning around the house, doing dishes, laundry, etc. He is needs pointers about the kids. For instance, I'll have them all settled doing something QUIET and he'll come home and complain about a small mess and get everyone riled up again. Or I will need to point out that ds needs some Dad time or dd needs help with such and such. Or that we don't need him cleaning, we need himto take ds5 outside so we can finish X.

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Interesting question for me. 2 years ago I would have answered that I had to ask for help, even when sick. We're coming out of a 16 month lay off. In those 16 months he took over the daily running of the house while I schooled/worked. He did laundry, dishes, put gas in the car, did grocery shopping, made doctor's appts and took the kids, etc. All of this he did without my asking.

Now, of course, he's back to work and I still work in the afternoons. We have to figure out a new normal for us.

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simple question....does your husband see what needs to be done and help you with things around the house...

 

No.

 

or do you always need to ask for help if you want him to help you with something? Especially if you are sick or hurt?

Yes.

 

I've let the dishes pile up a little. Last night I said, "the dishes need to be done tomorrow." This was mostly a reminder to myself, and saying it out loud in the presence of a witness was a way of holding myself accountable. But then I added, directed at dh, "and you'd better do a good job!" He laughed, but today I did a bunch of dishes, and when they had air dried and I had put them away, I asked him to do some more dishes, and he did. :)

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simple question....does your husband see what needs to be done and help you with things around the house...or do you always need to ask for help if you want him to help you with something? Especially if you are sick or hurt?

 

:lol::lol::lol: If I can stop laughing long enough, I will answer. . .:lol::lol::lol:

 

My husband has told me many times that I need to specifically tell him what I want him to do. He is not able to see what needs to be done at all. Even if every. single. dish. in the house were lying dirty in the sink and he wanted to make himself some toast and needed a plate, he would ask me where all the plates were. Not kidding. I hurt my neck very badly when the kids were 2 and 3 and I had to have my mom and my sister take turns staying with me so that the kids would be fed, bathed, the dishes would get done, the laundry, etc.

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simple question....does your husband see what needs to be done and help you with things around the house...or do you always need to ask for help if you want him to help you with something? Especially if you are sick or hurt?

I have to ask.

Sick or hurt: we've been through a couple of those. still have to hand-hold through steps on how to feed littles, how to put soap in the washing machine, when to start thinking of food, drop offs, pick ups.

It is hurtful to me b/c I take it a certain way. After many discussions about this, I know in my brain that he means no harm, but my heart tells me that if someone cared he's figure it out.

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Dh has always been well housetrained, long before I met him- it was me who had to catch up.

Nowadays we have our separate areas of responsibility. He is a Mr Fix It and is always tending to things that need fixing.

He doesn't vacuum, sweep or wash floors though, or de-clutter anything. He doesn't usually do dishes but he might do them if both the kids and I weren't around -he doesn't like mess. He will often do a quick clean up in the kitchen but not to the extent of emptying the dishwasher or doing a big load of pots.

 

Yesterday I was upset with him over something and when I went out for a walk to cool off my upset, he busied himself with bleaching the kitchen benches. (we openly call it sucking up :) ) He does it every few months and I had been wishing he would do it again but I hadn't got around to asking him. So..I guess that falls into the category of noticing something needed doing and doing it. He won lots of brownie points from me for that.

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simple question....does your husband see what needs to be done and help you with things around the house...or do you always need to ask for help if you want him to help you with something? Especially if you are sick or hurt?

 

DH will spend as much time doing half a job as actually doing the whole job.

 

ie If there are dirty dishes on the counter, he will rinse them and put them in one side of the sink.....seriously, Just put them in the DISHWASHER! He will only do 1/2 do a household chore most of the time. He will pick up a bit....but never all of the mess. It drives me nuts because it seems like it is a waste of time to me. Either do it right, or don't bother.

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DH is VERY helpful around the house, and just walks over to me and asks if there's anything I'd like him to do, or what is the most important thing right now. I am here all the time, so I just KNOW what needs doing at any particular time. I also know which things are most urgent. He has a few standard things he always does if it's needed - dishes, garbage, sweeping, etc. - but otherwise he needs suggestions. I think it's very reasonable! :)

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Dh sees everything. I don't. Drives him nuts. :D

 

Yes. This. But dh still doesn't help. If I was sick or hurt for more than two days, he probably would. Actually, he'd do it for about a day and then train the children to do it. He even joked earlier tonight that if I made him do the dishes every night, he'd have the children trained to do it within a few days. It's just not his thing I guess. I've learned to live with it! He's helpful in other ways.

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Most of the time I have to ask. Occasionally he surprises me and just does something on his own.

 

This. But I don't mind so much. If he's willing to pitch in when asked, I'm not going to hold a grudge over whether he takes it upon himself to clean things on his own the rest of the time. He's great in other ways. He's the one who earns money (and lets me spend whatever I want on school stuff, which I get to decide upon), he's the one who mows the lawn in the summer, he's the one out there shoveling snow in the winter, he is a great cook and makes us breakfast almost every morning and dinner on every one of his nights off, he's very affectionate and is always complimenting me (even when I look/feel like crap) and saying "I love you" all the time and so on and so forth. None of us are perfect, right? :)

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I not only have to point the things out and ask, but I also have to write down a list. ;) I understood very early in our marriage that this was the way dh functions and it's actually one thing we've never had an argument about.

 

Secretly I'm too picky about how things should be cleaned to let dh (or the kids) do much around the house. I would have to redo most household chores anyway, so I don't ask often. It kills me to watch the kids do their chores without telling them they're doing it wrong. :glare:

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simple question....does your husband see what needs to be done and help you with things around the house...or do you always need to ask for help if you want him to help you with something? Especially if you are sick or hurt?

 

Yes and no here.

 

He sees what needs to be done. But instead of doing it, he gets one of the kids to do it, usually. If I want help, I have to ask for it from him.

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LOL, this reminds me of a time our kids were all under 6, I had just had our last and was sick to boot, I told dh he needed to bath the older 3 that I just couldn't get it done. Time goes by I do not hear the tub so I go looking for them, he had all 3 lined up outside next to the garage with a bar of soap and was literally hosing them off. Funny now, but at the time I was flaming mad.:001_smile: Now, the kids thought this was the best and dh still can't understand what he did wrong.

 

Men just think differently and need very specific instructions on what/how things get done. Even my boys are like that now, they will do whatever I ask but a detailed list of what/how must accompany request.

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No he doesn't see it. I put laundry in front of the stairs. He could not get up the stairs without moving it. I was pregnant and on bed rest so he knew I shouldn't carry it upstairs. He kicked it aside every day. He finally took it upstairs when I asked. He says he notices but is waiting for me to ask. Then when I ask, he swears he doesn't notice.

 

If I ask he will say "in a minute" or "I'm taking that work w/ me in the morning" and then never do it/move it or he will call the kids down and have them do it. If he helps at all, he will do things that don't really matter -like the sink is full of dishes and every counter loaded down with his stuff and he will scrub the stove or tighten the door knobs.

 

He procrastinates jobs around the house that fall too. He may mow once a month. Usually he won't do it until the HOA sends us a notice that if it's not mowed, we will be fined. His car looks like a pig sty. His office looks even worse. His business partners are aggravated by him for that reason. He will get a shipment in and put the boxes out in the hall and never move them. He has some that have been in the hall since October.

 

 

His mother is OCD about a clean house. I had no idea he was like this because we met in the Marines and he had to keep his barracks room clean due to weekly inspections. It is a major riff in our marriage.

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