14 yo ds is driving me crazy!

[Julpost]

I am having such a hard time w/my 14 yo ds right now. I don't know if it's the long winter or what, but he is driving me right up the wall. He has been verbally cruel to his siblings, lazy w/his school work, complaining, talking back almost constantly, etc. Today was the last straw though. I asked him to do something, I can't remember what, but it was something he didn't want to do, probably felt it was unfair or something. He said to me, "This is cr*p"....later on, he responded the same way.

 

I made some mention of how that wasn't ok, or something, I don't remember. But I left it at that. I've been trying to not respond when I'm angry and really give things a good thinking over before I impose a consequence. So, after thinking it over, I decided he could either give up his scout overnight at an indoor rock climbing area or a friends sledding party next weekend, but that he needed to choose one or I would choose for him. He gave me a lot of astounded replies like "but I apologized" so on and so forth. I just don't have a lot of energy for this type of nonsense anymore so I just picked for him. He's losing the overnight scout event.

 

I don't know why I'm second guessing myself but I kind of wonder if I am over-reacting? What do you guys think? I mean, if I had said that when I was a kid....whoa boy, I don't even want to think about what could have happened! I don't like to discuss these things w/dh anymore because he tends to come down SUPER hard on ds, almost to an irrational degree. He is so stressed and tired after work that he doesn't really have the energy to put a lot of thought into things. I've just left that w/the Lord. But as far as how I deal w/ds, I'm trying to walk that fine line between...I don't know, not being too harsh but not letting him get away w/this kind of stuff either. He has never really been quite like this before. I don't know if he's pushing the boundaries or what. I'm just trying to take Dr. Dobson's advice and not discipline in overt anger but definitley "if he won't do what's expected of him, then I can only make him wish he had!"

 

He's my first teen and I'm already exhausted and ready to send him to ps. Honestly, (whisper), I don't even like him right now.

 

What do I do?

[FeFe]

Wow! I could have written this about my DS14 - who is also my oldest, right down to how you explained your DH.

 

Obviously, no advice but I'll be watching this thread. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it is kinder in the long run, to call him on each and every transgression. It doesn't have to be over-the-top: perhaps a "Woah - say that again, nicely." or a "You may not talk to your sibling or me like that. Please apologize." I don't think it is necessarily wrong to lose his camping trip but it makes it so that he doesn't know far he can go before you are going to lower the boom on him.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Oh my, I also could have written this entire post myself; even down to the husband. Today has been terrible again and I'm at my wit's end. I'm so tired of the stress and fussing from everything. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I can offer sympathy and empathy. :(

 

I'd really love some sort of semi-ongoing conversation with those of us going through these times and ages at right now. I could really use the support because I don't really have it around here.

[Anne]

I think it is kinder in the long run, to call him on each and every transgression. It doesn't have to be over-the-top: perhaps a "Woah - say that again, nicely." or a "You may not talk to your sibling or me like that. Please apologize." I don't think it is necessarily wrong to lose his camping trip but it makes it so that he doesn't know far he can go before you are going to lower the boom on him.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

I hate to keep beating my usual drum here, but -- is he getting enough exercise? Is he sweating really hard most days of the week? If not, he really needs to be! That will help.

 

Also, try hard to spend some good time with him doing something he enjoys. Talk with him about some of the emotional changes that are occurring - I assume you've already discussed the physical changes with him. Brainstorm with him ways to deal with those emotions that aren't disrespectful and disruptive.

 

:grouphug:

Anne

[Peela]

I think it is kinder in the long run, to call him on each and every transgression. It doesn't have to be over-the-top: perhaps a "Woah - say that again, nicely." or a "You may not talk to your sibling or me like that. Please apologize." I don't think it is necessarily wrong to lose his camping trip but it makes it so that he doesn't know far he can go before you are going to lower the boom on him.

 

Yes, this tends to be my approach.

Taking away major social events probably will breed more resentment, and you don't need more resentment.

I would deal with it immediately, but on an appropriate level.

You might like to check out the recent teenagers and respect threads. Its a good time to build relationship and learn not to react too much. Chances are you are at the beginning of a long ride and keeping things in perspective is a good skill to have.

[stephanier.1765]

I'm on my 3rd 14yo ds and it's the age *and* the age for dad's to start coming down hard. It's as if a switch has been thrown in both of their heads. I haven't figured out the dad thing yet but the boy definitely needs consistency. It's exhausting and very much like having a toddler again. In the end, you'll be glad you put in the hard work now. Good luck from one exasperated mom to another.

 

PS I don't know if the relationship between father and son ever goes back to what it was before. It hasn't yet for any of my boys and it makes me sad.

[Guest]

I can understand your pain. My dh and I got a book called Backtalk 4 Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids by Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder. Stick to your guns! At evry instance of backtalk, give a consequence of some sort. You will thank yourself later. Hang in there, Mama. You are doing the right thing.

[Lawana]

 

I hate to keep beating my usual drum here, but -- is he getting enough exercise? Is he sweating really hard most days of the week? If not, he really needs to be! That will help.

 

 

:grouphug:

Anne

I only have an 11 yo, but I strongly second this. I'm seeing with ds and his friends that they really *need* hard physical activity. Ds is training for his black belt test right now, and is getting 2+ hours of heavy physical activity 5 days a week, including jogging, wind sprints, 100-200 (or more)push ups, 100 situps, in addition to class. I've been absolutely amazed by how quickly he's adapted to so much activity. It really helps him be calm during his "off" hours.

[Sunshine State Sue]

I agree with Jean about making him rephrase his nasty words.

 

I would describe my son as "explosive". Although, I must say that, at 15, it's not as bad as at 14. I don't like to take away social events because there are never enough. I tend to assign hard, physical labor (weeding, scrubbing, raking, moving rocks from one side of the property to the other, etc). Set the timer for an hour. If consistent, they do learn.

 

Not sure about dh. My dh is not a huge disciplinarian. He has stepped up during puberty, for which I am eternally grateful. It's been very helpful. So, I might not shut that out. But, you may.

 

A book that was recommended on the high school board that I love is "Get Out of My Life, but first can you take me and Cheryl to the mall". Among other things, it talks about how the times have changed. The decline in physical punishment has led to more expressive children. But, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

:grouphug:

[Peela]

 

A book that was recommended on the high school board that I love is "Get Out of My Life, but first can you take me and Cheryl to the mall". Among other things, it talks about how the times have changed. The decline in physical punishment has led to more expressive children. But, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

 

:grouphug:

 

I havent read this book (but it sounds interesting) but I wanted to comment on the "expressive children" aspect.

There is a balance of course but i would rather have the sort of relationship I have with my teens than the one I had with my own parents.

I would rather my teens mouth off occasionally in anger or frustration, but that our overall relationship be close and strong- and that they feel they can express themselves and they will be forgiven easily- than that they behave well out of fear and yet do not express themselves, do not know their own feelings, and/or that we do not have a close loving relationship. The occasional mouthing off I can live with, although i am not suggesting to let it pass without comment or consequence.

 

Build the relationship- it is more important than punishing for disrespectful behaviour because you can't make a child respect you, even if you can punish them into submission and 'good' behaviour.

[mazakaal]

I have a 14yo just like that too. I was in tears last night because of how badly he spoke to me when I was trying to help him with his math. I've been trying to get him to work on math 1/2hr per day a few days a week after school, but he's just not doing it. Yesterday I changed the password to log onto the computer and told him that he couldn't go on until after he had done math. He was so angry and horrible and just wanted to 'get through' the math so he could go on the computer, that he was truly horrible. Fortunately I held it together until after math was done. I told him that it was not acceptable for him to speak to me that way, and if he continued I would walk away and he wouldn't be going to his surf contest on Saturday. As soon as math was done and I logged him onto the computer, he said, "Sorry, Mom. I love you." Then, I just went to my room and let it all out to dh and wept.

 

So, no advice here, but :grouphug:. I'm going to be checking out those books that others have recommended.

 

I'm so glad you posted, because so often I feel intimidated by people on this board, like all their kids are angels and if I admit that I have a ds with horrible attitudes I'll be ostracized. I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone.

[Sunshine State Sue]

I'm so glad you posted, because so often I feel intimidated by people on this board, like all their kids are angels and if I admit that I have a ds with horrible attitudes I'll be ostracized.

I swear that the vast majority of the moms I know IRL have sons that are not nearly as badly behaved as mine. In fact, I only know 1 who talks about her struggles and her ds is in school.

 

It helps that dh reminds me that ds is not a bad child. Dh was into drugs and alcohol at that age. :mellow: It's the whole "you are here to serve me" attitude that drives me batty. No one in my life treats me that way.

 

Another thing that doesn't get talked about much on these boards is cheating...I feel like I have to be hyper-vigilant about it. Ds just wants the easy way out.

[Julpost]

Has anyone ever tried the Total Transformation system? I have heard about it for years and caught an infomercial this morning. They have a special right now where you can pay the first mo. payment of $109...try it for 90 days, let them know how it worked and they will refund the $109 so you receive it for free! I figure it can't hurt. Obviously what I'm doing right now isn't working.

 

I really, really appreciate all the messages and support! That's what I LOVE about this board.

 

Hugs to all of you!:grouphug:

[Lucy in Australia]

Everyone else has already said what I was going to say :tongue_smilie: It is the age for a lot of head-butting between boys and their mothers, but I just wanted to add that one thing that helped was me going somewhere with my son alone, even it if it was just a ride to the library. No siblings, no Dad. He would then talk A LOT, admittedly mostly about things I had ZERO interest in, but then he would throw in a casual comment that gave me a better understanding of where he was at. So, yes, even when you feel like he is the last person you want to spend time with, it can be good :)

[mazakaal]

one thing that helped was me going somewhere with my son alone, even it if it was just a ride to the library. No siblings, no Dad.

 

:iagree: Yes, I've had some good conversations with ds when I drive him to the bus in the morning.

[mazakaal]

It helps that dh reminds me that ds is not a bad child. Dh was into drugs and alcohol at that age. .

 

I do try to comfort myself with this. At least he's not drinking, doing drugs, vandalizing, or anything like that. I do worry that it could be right around the corner, though.:001_huh:

[Kathleen in VA]

I'm wondering if the real issue with boys this age is that they are angry. My ds14 seems to get angry easily and bottles it up inside. He has never been much of a talker so he doesn't think to just discuss what is bothering him. Then, every once in a while, he'll have an angry outburst - nothing big, just a stomping of the foot or a comment - and I realize he's been holding a lot of resentment and anger inside. I'm thinking the angry comments, rude remarks, etc. are a manifestation of bitterness of some kind. I'm sure there are lots of developmental reasons why this seems to manifest itself particularly at this age - don't really have a grasp on that. I've just noticed that all my kids have gone through this and they all needed to get to a place where they could let go of their anger and not nurse it.

 

Soooo, my approach has been to try to teach them how to deal with frustration and anger. I've told them that getting angry is normal - we all feel angry from time to time. It's important to evaluate that anger and decide if it's really an issue worth getting upset about or if they could choose to overlook the offense, realizing that others are overlooking their little offenses all the time as well. This kind of touches on pride being at the root of the anger - the feeling that we are being treated unfairly but that we never do anything unfair to anyone else or need their longsuffering. Of course, when I put it like that, they realize they aren't perfect and that perhaps a lot of the little things that irritate them should just be forgiven and forgotten, especially since others are doing them that same favor. If they have a real sense of how much they need grace from others, they will be more ready to give it to others. The heart of letting go of anger is a recognition of one's own tendency to hurt others (intended or otherwise) and our need to have our slate wiped clean on a regular basis.

 

I tell them they will be dealing with this the rest of their lives and they need to have a plan for how to respond. Life is filled with irritating people, disappointments, genuine injustice, etc. and if we get angry and bitter about all of it we'll be very unhappy people most of our lives. So I suggest they learn to recognize when they are angry, what their angry about, and then consciously choose to forgive whomever wronged them and move on. It requires humility - knowing that you are not perfect either and very often offend others who are then working on forgiving you.

 

The main thing is I sympathize with their angry feelings but I steer them away from stewing in resentment. I try to empathize but then try to lead them to a place where they can see that the wisest thing to do is to forgive and move on.

 

We all need grace from others and we need to give it back to them - constantly. Of all the things my kids learn in our homeschool - this is the most important. Dealing with this issue - how to manage one's angry feelings - trumps academics imo. Schoolwork is important, but learning to deal properly with anger is a skill that affects every area of life - marriage, employment, living in community of any kind.

[JVA]

PS I don't know if the relationship between father and son ever goes back to what it was before. It hasn't yet for any of my boys and it makes me sad.

 

 

THIS.... Yes, it can go back to what it was 'before'....depends on what 'before' was like, I suppose.

 

We had some bumpy times with each of our 3 older sons- backtalking, surliness, disrespectful attitudes,restrictions, priveleges removed, LONNNGGGG wordy conversations (sometimes loud ones)- those are draining, apologies and forgiveness offered....somewhere around 20/21/22 they woke up and we've got those sweet young boys/men again....

It's not always fun.

Just keep at it- be consistent, be on the same page with your dh (compromise is sometimes necessary) and ALWAYS keep praying for God's guidance.

We now have an almost 14 yr old ds- already I can tell the coming years will be better as HE is a much better communicator than his older brothers. And he has wiser parents. :001_smile:

[Julpost]

I'm wondering if the real issue with boys this age is that they are angry. My ds14 seems to get angry easily and bottles it up inside. He has never been much of a talker so he doesn't think to just discuss what is bothering him. Then, every once in a while, he'll have an angry outburst - nothing big, just a stomping of the foot or a comment - and I realize he's been holding a lot of resentment and anger inside. I'm thinking the angry comments, rude remarks, etc. are a manifestation of bitterness of some kind. I'm sure there are lots of developmental reasons why this seems to manifest itself particularly at this age - don't really have a grasp on that. I've just noticed that all my kids have gone through this and they all needed to get to a place where they could let go of their anger and not nurse it.

 

Soooo, my approach has been to try to teach them how to deal with frustration and anger. I've told them that getting angry is normal - we all feel angry from time to time. It's important to evaluate that anger and decide if it's really an issue worth getting upset about or if they could choose to overlook the offense, realizing that others are overlooking their little offenses all the time as well. This kind of touches on pride being at the root of the anger - the feeling that we are being treated unfairly but that we never do anything unfair to anyone else or need their longsuffering. Of course, when I put it like that, they realize they aren't perfect and that perhaps a lot of the little things that irritate them should just be forgiven and forgotten, especially since others are doing them that same favor. If they have a real sense of how much they need grace from others, they will be more ready to give it to others. The heart of letting go of anger is a recognition of one's own tendency to hurt others (intended or otherwise) and our need to have our slate wiped clean on a regular basis.

 

I tell them they will be dealing with this the rest of their lives and they need to have a plan for how to respond. Life is filled with irritating people, disappointments, genuine injustice, etc. and if we get angry and bitter about all of it we'll be very unhappy people most of our lives. So I suggest they learn to recognize when they are angry, what their angry about, and then consciously choose to forgive whomever wronged them and move on. It requires humility - knowing that you are not perfect either and very often offend others who are then working on forgiving you.

 

The main thing is I sympathize with their angry feelings but I steer them away from stewing in resentment. I try to empathize but then try to lead them to a place where they can see that the wisest thing to do is to forgive and move on.

 

We all need grace from others and we need to give it back to them - constantly. Of all the things my kids learn in our homeschool - this is the most important. Dealing with this issue - how to manage one's angry feelings - trumps academics imo. Schoolwork is important, but learning to deal properly with anger is a skill that affects every area of life - marriage, employment, living in community of any kind.

 

Kathleen,

You always have such words of wisdom! I have learned much from you in past years. Thank you!!! Now I must run to go address screaming in the other room...

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have a 14yo just like that too. I was in tears last night because of how badly he spoke to me when I was trying to help him with his math. I've been trying to get him to work on math 1/2hr per day a few days a week after school, but he's just not doing it. Yesterday I changed the password to log onto the computer and told him that he couldn't go on until after he had done math. He was so angry and horrible and just wanted to 'get through' the math so he could go on the computer, that he was truly horrible. Fortunately I held it together until after math was done. I told him that it was not acceptable for him to speak to me that way, and if he continued I would walk away and he wouldn't be going to his surf contest on Saturday. As soon as math was done and I logged him onto the computer, he said, "Sorry, Mom. I love you." Then, I just went to my room and let it all out to dh and wept.

 

So, no advice here, but :grouphug:. I'm going to be checking out those books that others have recommended.

 

I'm so glad you posted, because so often I feel intimidated by people on this board, like all their kids are angels and if I admit that I have a ds with horrible attitudes I'll be ostracized. I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone.

 

I think if you look at all of our posts, you'll see plenty where we are doing the venting and the frustrated crying. When I do offer advice it often doesn't reflect that it is the result of doing many things and seeing that one way builds the relationship while another has been tearing it down. Often I have to sit myself down and say "Now, what would you tell someone on the WTM board about this?!"

[fairfarmhand]

I don't have teens boys but with my dd hard physical stuff is a daily necessity. When the weather warms up I am planning on a daily 2 mile walk/run being part of her routine.

[Denisemomof4]

I think it is kinder in the long run, to call him on each and every transgression. It doesn't have to be over-the-top: perhaps a "Woah - say that again, nicely." or a "You may not talk to your sibling or me like that. Please apologize." I don't think it is necessarily wrong to lose his camping trip but it makes it so that he doesn't know far he can go before you are going to lower the boom on him.

 

this. ANd DO call him on EVERY SINGLE TRANSGRESSION. My ds is now 15 and he's so much worse. For him, though, I'm certain we're looking at a more serious issue than just a badly behaving teen.

 

It's exhausting to have to address every single thing, but it will be exhausting now and rewarding later.

[mazakaal]

I'm wondering if the real issue with boys this age is that they are angry. My ds14 seems to get angry easily and bottles it up inside. He has never been much of a talker so he doesn't think to just discuss what is bothering him. Then, every once in a while, he'll have an angry outburst - nothing big, just a stomping of the foot or a comment - and I realize he's been holding a lot of resentment and anger inside. I'm thinking the angry comments, rude remarks, etc. are a manifestation of bitterness of some kind. I'm sure there are lots of developmental reasons why this seems to manifest itself particularly at this age - don't really have a grasp on that. I've just noticed that all my kids have gone through this and they all needed to get to a place where they could let go of their anger and not nurse it.

 

Soooo, my approach has been to try to teach them how to deal with frustration and anger. I've told them that getting angry is normal - we all feel angry from time to time. It's important to evaluate that anger and decide if it's really an issue worth getting upset about or if they could choose to overlook the offense, realizing that others are overlooking their little offenses all the time as well. This kind of touches on pride being at the root of the anger - the feeling that we are being treated unfairly but that we never do anything unfair to anyone else or need their longsuffering. Of course, when I put it like that, they realize they aren't perfect and that perhaps a lot of the little things that irritate them should just be forgiven and forgotten, especially since others are doing them that same favor. If they have a real sense of how much they need grace from others, they will be more ready to give it to others. The heart of letting go of anger is a recognition of one's own tendency to hurt others (intended or otherwise) and our need to have our slate wiped clean on a regular basis.

 

I tell them they will be dealing with this the rest of their lives and they need to have a plan for how to respond. Life is filled with irritating people, disappointments, genuine injustice, etc. and if we get angry and bitter about all of it we'll be very unhappy people most of our lives. So I suggest they learn to recognize when they are angry, what their angry about, and then consciously choose to forgive whomever wronged them and move on. It requires humility - knowing that you are not perfect either and very often offend others who are then working on forgiving you.

 

The main thing is I sympathize with their angry feelings but I steer them away from stewing in resentment. I try to empathize but then try to lead them to a place where they can see that the wisest thing to do is to forgive and move on.

 

We all need grace from others and we need to give it back to them - constantly. Of all the things my kids learn in our homeschool - this is the most important. Dealing with this issue - how to manage one's angry feelings - trumps academics imo. Schoolwork is important, but learning to deal properly with anger is a skill that affects every area of life - marriage, employment, living in community of any kind.

 

Kathleen, thank you for these words of wisdom. This makes so much sense.

[mazakaal]

I think if you look at all of our posts, you'll see plenty where we are doing the venting and the frustrated crying. When I do offer advice it often doesn't reflect that it is the result of doing many things and seeing that one way builds the relationship while another has been tearing it down. Often I have to sit myself down and say "Now, what would you tell someone on the WTM board about this?!"

 

I know you're right. And if I didn't value the ladies here and their opinions and advice, I wouldn't stay. I just mean that there are some topics where people can be pretty... ummm... I'm not sure if this is the right word, but... adamant about their stance. Sort of a 'I would never let my child talk back/complain/etc' attitude. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to be misunderstood or offend anyone. I was just saying that I appreciated the OP's honesty. FWIW, I always appreciate your posts as I find them to be very thoughtful and helpful. :001_smile: