If your spouse/partner is active in church leadership...

[Rivka]

(Let me say at the outset that we are Unitarian-Universalists, so I'm not coming at this from a Christian perspective. But I'm guessing that some of the issues are the same.)

 

If your spouse or partner is in a leadership role in your church, how does it affect your relationship with the church?

 

In the last couple of years my husband has been more and more involved in church leadership. He was church treasurer for three years and completely overhauled and modernized the church's approach to its finances. He is currently vice-president of the Board of Trustees and has been asked by the nominating committee to serve as president next year. That is usually a two-year commitment. He is also the chair of the stewardship committee (pledging/fundraising) and has been for several years, although he promises he will give it up if he is in fact elected president.

 

He is definitely called to a leadership role, feels inspired by it, and does it well. The strange thing is that it seems like the more he is involved as a leader, the less I feel connected to and engaged with the church. There are weeks when he spends 10 hours or more on church business, excluding the Sunday service. Of course that means a lot of extra solo-parenting time for me with our young kids. I'm starting to feel alienated, as if church is my husband's thing and not mine.

 

I don't get to attend the service very often, because I teach RE every other Sunday and when I'm not teaching I am on duty with our toddler, who is only just now becoming comfortable staying in the nursery. I thought that if I could acclimate him to the nursery and start hearing more sermons I would feel more connected. Instead I find that after I've settled him in the nursery I don't really feel like going back in to church.

 

There's nothing wrong with our church that I can put my finger on. I am strongly committed to raising my children as UUs and bringing them to church and RE. I just... don't feel like I'm being fed there anymore. I don't feel motivated to be there for myself.

 

Has anyone else been there?

[Farrar]

Wow, Rivka. I can totally relate to that. And you know we go to a UU church as well (though I have mixed feelings about the UU religion as a whole, I love our church and I love our minister and our community does so much for our kids and provides us with the sort of multicultural community that we lack in our homeschool world). But the more involved my dh is (he teaches the toddler class, he sits on committees, etc.) the more I feel like church is "his thing" which is totally silly and only hurts me spiritually. Sigh.

[simka2]

It sounds very similar to what I would go thru as a staff wife at times. Some of it was for a season, sometimes I would have to force dh to scale back his involvement, sometimes I would have to get my nourishment elsewhere and support dh in his gifting. It varied on where we were as a family, where I was as an individual, and what the kids needs were.

 

It's important to have clear expectations on where the FAMILIES priorities lie. If the family is suffering because of involvement...it's time to scale back. If you can get fed thru other sources then Yeah!

 

It may not be popular, but sometimes I would view this as dh's hobby. I can support him in his hobby, it's good for him and fulfils him...I benefit from that. I just make sure I ahve hobbies that feed my spiritual needs as well.

 

Hope that makes sense!

 

Last night the kids were talking about how dad puts them to bed now, and it used to be mommy. I told them the truth....when we were staff pastors dh was gone or hosting young people in our house most evenings. So I put them to bed. Now that dh is home in the evenings more...he puts them to bed.

[Dinsfamily]

We have had similar struggles. My dh is on our church council and helps with other ministries. I'm 8 mos pg and have been stretched getting all 3 dc ready for church and there on time most Sundays plus the nights dh is gone on church business. It doesn't help that dh's work was also particularly demanding a for a few weeks and I was feeling very worn down. We talked about it my dh agreed to step back on one ministry until the baby's born. I felt bad but it's best for our family right now.

 

As for the connection issue. That doesn't really apply to us. I am involved in a few ministries myself and spend more time at the church than dh...albeit during the day with the dc. I just stopped teaching Sunday school (due to advanced pg and too many toddlers in my class :tongue_smilie:) but am still active in everything else. Thankfully, our church is sensitive to the childcare needs of moms with young children. Of course, that's tough when you have a toddler who has trouble going to the nursery. Are there any other groups you can attend during the week that would enable you to connect with people outside of service?

[Rivka]

Wow, Rivka. I can totally relate to that. And you know we go to a UU church as well (though I have mixed feelings about the UU religion as a whole, I love our church and I love our minister and our community does so much for our kids and provides us with the sort of multicultural community that we lack in our homeschool world). But the more involved my dh is (he teaches the toddler class, he sits on committees, etc.) the more I feel like church is "his thing" which is totally silly and only hurts me spiritually. Sigh.

 

Oh, I didn't know that you guys were UUs too. Do you go to All Souls? Have you ever thought about SUUSI?

 

One thing that makes this hard is that so much of UU culture seems to be a reaction against high-demand, prescriptive religious groups that people in our congregations have broken away from. So I think there's a very strong culture of "hey, go find what you like and it's fine if it isn't this." It doesn't seem like there's much support for the idea of holding on during a dry period.

[FaithManor]

Hi Rivka, I do understand your situation. DH is our the church treasurer and had to completely overhaul and modernize their system. It has been the kinds of hours you described. The treasurer is a board position too so every month he has board meetings in addition to the weekly running of payroll, accounting, paying bills, etc. My situation is a little different though because dh really needs an assistant because the church operates a parochial school which makes the accounting far more involved. This is something no one else in the church wants to volunteer to do. So, I've been sucked into that roll. As a result, too much of the membership thinks it can approach me with finance questions as if I speak directly for dh, which I don't. This has caused me to pull back a little from the congregation. I am still heavily involved in music, but for the first time in years, I am not going to serve on the mission board or the local outreach/benevolence committee.

 

I can see where you are coming from...I felt a real dry spell during that first two years when he worked more hours at it than he does now and there didn't seem to be a lot of support. I've learned that these kinds of positions are the kind that NOBODY wants and so if the church can get anyone to do it without pay, they then shy away from us, so to speak, because they don't want to hear that it is negatively impacting us in anyway. I tried to mention it to a couple of board members and hinted that we might need a break, and they practically ran down the hall. I'm coming to grips with this and I won't pressure dh to give up the position so long as he feels led to do it, but I am seeing a side of church service that I had not seen before.

 

I don't have a good answer. I wish I did. But, I sure can understand who this affects you and I empathize.

 

Faith

[Jenny in Florida]

I haven't had the same experience, because in our family church is my thing, not my husband's.

 

This doesn't sound so much like a church thing, though, as a marriage thing. Would it really matter to you what your husband was doing that kept him away from home and prevented him from helping with the kids? Somehow, it seems like, because it's church, it should be okay. But if he's not there and you're missing him, maybe that's a conversation that should be had?

 

But I definitely relate to feeling disconnected from the church sometimes. I go through seasons when I'm just not into it. I keep going because it's my kids' church home, but I definitely have days when I would just as soon take a nap in the car as go to the service.

 

I try to go with the flow. When - I'm not feeling excited about church, I let myself stand back a little bit. We go almost every week, because my son is very involved. But there's nothing to prevent me from sitting outside (or in the car, if the weather isn't cooperative) with a cup of coffee and the paper while he's in RE. And, if I'm not up for sitting through the service, there's no rule that says I can't leave the santuary when the kids do and go supervise activities instead of staying to hear the sermon.

 

I took a break from teaching RE for several years and just eased back into it last year. Once I had a chance to miss it, I started finding ways to be involved again. I now serve on the RE committee, but my role is to arrange special events like the Halloween party and Easter morning activities.

 

What we've found works for me is to do the more activities/project-based things with the middle grade kids, rather than traditional, classroom-style RE classes. So, this year, I helped my son and his group plan and put on the haunted house for our Halloween party. After that, they worked on our church's Chalice Tree program, which collected items to donate to a local organization that helps troubled teens. Now, we're down to the wire in planning and putting on a Valentines-themed variety show to benefit Standing on the Side of Love. The kids are each doing individual acts, and they're singing a couple of songs and doing a skit. Parents of the younger kids are handling food for a reception/party.

 

Once the show is over (this coming Sunday!), I'll be off duty except for the egg hunt and activities for Easter. Then, I'm done until fall.

 

So, it's taken me several years, but I found my way to connect again. It's a job that didn't exist until I made it. It's a niche I like than no one else wants to handle. It gives me a chance to hang out with my son and his friends, and I've loved getting to know them all better.

 

And it's something I absolutely wouldn't have signed up for before I was ready to do it. I look around sometimes for the women who were regular RE teachers when my kids were little and often see that they are no longer involved with the program. And I take comfort in knowing that, when it's my turn to move on, there will be a new batch of volunteers who are rested and ready to take my place.

 

I know for a fact that my husband sometimes gets irritable about the time and energy I give to these projects. And he gets very tired of hearing me vent, but then sign up to do it all again the next time around.

 

Ultimately, he recognizes the benefits my efforts are providing to our kids and the church and community. And he tries to be supportive.

 

I realize I'm rambling, but I hope something I've said somewhere in this mess might be a little bit helpful to you.

[Farrar]

Oh, I didn't know that you guys were UUs too. Do you go to All Souls? Have you ever thought about SUUSI?

 

Yup. We live within walking distance from All Souls. Such a great church. I wasn't familiar with SUUSI. But that looks cool... family camp.

 

One thing that makes this hard is that so much of UU culture seems to be a reaction against high-demand, prescriptive religious groups that people in our congregations have broken away from. So I think there's a very strong culture of "hey, go find what you like and it's fine if it isn't this." It doesn't seem like there's much support for the idea of holding on during a dry period.

 

I know what you mean. There's a fine line (at least for me) between a community pushing you unduly to be a part of them and a community not caring enough if you're there or not and sometimes I feel like our church is a little too loose about it.

 

For me, since I'm not teaching RE this year, it's less fun to sit in worship by myself since my dh is always downstairs playing with the kids. But I don't know why I get that way about it. I usually really get a lot out of the service.

[jld]

We went to a UU church for about 6 mos., but the social circles were pretty well-established, and since I was going at least partly for some social interaction for me and the kids, and that wasn't happening as much as I had expected, I was done after that 6 mos. time. Dh really enjoyed the services, though. I, like you, was spending my time almost exclusively in the nursery or sitting in on the RE classes.

 

I really like not going to church. I like just being home with my family on Sundays. With as much as dh works, I feel like I have to protect his time with us.

 

Don't be afraid to tell your dh to reconsider his priorities.

[redsquirrel]

we are also UU, not that it matters with this really. My dh has also been very, very involved..on the board of trustees, teaching OWL at several different levels (huge commitment) etc, etc.

 

I have often felt the same way. Mostly for me it is a bit of annoyance that he was always gone. He would come home, gulp dinner, kiss us and run to a committee meeting. He knew everyone's name, knew everyone's background etc. I don't because I am at. home. with. kids. I do teach RE but that only means I know all the five year olds.

 

He is done with trustee stuff and even OWL. However, he just started his SECOND band so grumble, grumble.

[Rivka]

Thanks for the words of support and commiseration.

 

I agree that the question of how much time my husband is spending on church matters is a separate issue, and honestly, one with an easier solution. We've talked about maybe setting aside one evening a week for me to get involved in an activity or just have time to myself. I think that would definitely help get me through his extra meetings.

 

I'm not really sure what would get me feeling more involved in church. I may try listening to some sermon podcasts or reading the UU World more often, see if that jump-starts a sense of interest. And I've made the decision to not teach RE next year - I think that will help as well.

 

Part of the problem is that we have a new minister who arrived when Colin was seven months old. So for his whole tenure I've been holding a squirmy baby or chasing a toddler. I don't feel that connected to him, but to be honest, I haven't had the opportunity to give him a chance. I can't remember when I last heard one of his sermons from beginning to end. Listening to the podcasts might help. In my copious free time.