Would you put academics on hold...

[ELaurie]

I haven't read all of the other replies, but I wanted to pass along an excellent website that someone here mentioned in a recent thread. It's called Celebrate Calm. I've read many books about parenting, but the resources from this site are particularly well done, IMO. I listened to a couple of the radio broadcasts on the site, and found them helpful, then decided to order some of their CDs when they were on sale after the holidays. I've been listening to them,and finding that they are truly helpful with the kinds of issues you are describing.

 

:grouphug:

[Erica in PA]

to concentrate on character building, family unity, sibling relationships, behavior modification, etc. for a season? I've been very transparent on this board about the struggles that we have had as a family. My children, in general, do NOT get along and it is way beyond the normal sibling rivalry that comes with the territory. It can get downright evil. Certain combinations of siblings are lethal. Others are quite precious. My ds9 is having behavioral and psychological issues which interfere with ALL areas of our lives...homeschooling, family life, sibling relationships, my marriage, etc. It's tough. There are behavior issues to varying degrees with each of my children. Attitudes about doing schoolwork are HORRIBLE all around...with the exception of my dd14 and dd5 who rarely complain about school (unless it is a writing assignment...then there are tears...mine and hers ;)). My children are not respectful on a consistent basis. We are not super-strict parents but de require a certain degree of respectful behavior and kindness in our home. Privileges are removed for the biggest infractions (disrespect toward parents, violence of any kind toward anyone, name calling, foul language, etc.). It doesn't seem to be working. Anyway, to make a long and rambling story short. Would you can academics for a season to focus on improving the climate of your home? If yes, what exactly would you do to this end? Any books, character studies, curriculum, Bible studies, etc. that you would recommend? I'm at my wits end. Math, history, science, grammar, etc. are terrific and necessary but if my children cannot learn to get along, treat each other with kindness and respect, treat US with kindness and respect, submit to our authority as parents and as teacher, etc, etc. then they certainly will not be prepared well for life outside our home. I must not lose my family. I will not lose my family. Looking forward to your suggestions and advice as always. But please, no condemnation...I've had enough today (not from the Hive mind you :D). Just be gentle. Thanks.

 

I probably would not cut back too much on schoolwork, just because I don't think it would necessarily help. I definitely would move it into the priority position in my mind, and work on the situation very hard, but I don't think it would take all day, every day, to do this-- in fact, having a bunch of kids, with not much to do all day could make things a lot worse. Also, I think most of the changes and thinking process probably need to come from you and your husband, with just follow through with the kids. This might mean that in the evenings when your dh is home, the two of you sit down, discuss, plan, pray, etc. Then the next day, carry on with your normal schedule, implementing the things you and dh have established. I would think that doing schoolwork and sticking to a routine might make the changes you are seeking more possible.

 

While we aren't quite in the situation where you are right now, I was just confiding in a friend the other night that my three kids (14, 10, and 8) don't seem to like each other very much. There is more namecalling and just general antagonism than I would like, and it makes me sad. It's strange to me too because dh and I have a very good relationship, and we each have a strong relationship with each of the kids-- so I don't know why they don't get along better with each other than they do. Your post has reminded me that we need to get more proactive with addressing these problems too. Thank you for the reminder, and I wish you all the best.

[Murphy101]

No. I wouldn't stop schooling, tho I would take a very close look at how I'm doing it and the materials I use in case I can reduce stress there.

 

Agree with all of this below and pareothead. And it is IMPERATIVE dad back a you up and lays down the law with those boys. It's annoying as all get out that I can talk, cry, yell, beg, bribe, and punish until I'm off the deep end and dh can walk in the door and say in the exact same thiman man to man and get compliance. But that is just the way it is with boys.

 

:grouphug:

 

1. for us, routine is everything.

2. when things go off the rails, i reach for "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" and start working through the chapters again. (it involves things like choosing one thing to work on - eg. "no putdowns")

3. we go "no media"

4. we spend outdoor time every day.

5. i start working on one part of the day at a time.

 

eg. i read aloud to them at lunch and then everyone goes to their rooms for happy horizontal hour. i never vary. it takes three days, and then everyone just goes to their rooms automatically after lunch.

 

i also stop engaging them in decision making. i don't suggest they go to their room, i tell them. i remind them "this is not a discussion". so in your example about the child who didn't want to work in their room, in this time frame, i wouldn't engage them in discussion or explanation at all... it simply has to be good enough that you told them to do it. this will initially be hard, but becomes easier quickly. once things are better, then you can discuss choices.

 

i program the whole day... there is free time, but only within certain parameters.

 

and in the midst of it all, i try to find one on one time with one of the dc each day. so does dh. one of them gets 15 minutes of a parent's undivided attention, once a day. right now, they are all choosing to play speed chess with dad, and bake with me on their day. when they were little, i would also slip into their rooms during happy horizontal hour and read a short book with the littles. it was lovely.

 

:grouphug: good luck!

ann

[Sebastian (a lady)]

The Young Peacemaker was helpful for us in not only identifying behaviors and attitudes that were destructive of family harmony but in learning habits and tools that could help us avoid these problems.

 

I think there are seasons when heart issues have to take the forefront. I don't know if I would have them be the only thing, but ignoring heart issues doesn't make them go away.

[RanchGirl]

Sorry I didn't read all the other posts but to answer your question, yes I would put a hold on school if that is the only workable solution. Without knowing exactly what the issues are in your family, I am not sure what you need to be working on during the downtime.

 

If our family needed something like that, I might try a have a hard work type project together in the morning (working on your house together or serving in a ministry together) and some playtime together in the afternoon or evening (board games would be perfect in our family but not sure what would create good memories for yours... bikeriding, hiking, scrapbooking or organizing old family photos would be good). When you think about a youth group, these are the types of things they do for spiritual and team building -- ministry projects and retreats.

 

I get the heebie jeebies when I think of going too long without math though... maybe have math first thing in the morning before starting work!

[Teachin'Mine]

Yes - I think it's a wonderful idea!

 

Some quick thoughts - make up a plan with your husband first and then present it to your family - you'll both be in agreement of how you're going to do this. Maybe come up with some basic rules and consequences for breaking the rules. Present some as firm, and ask for other suggestions. Open up dialogue. If you watch TV, maybe have it off limits during this time period. You can still schedule family movie nights and such. Maybe there's a project that you'd like to accomplish as a family - like a house clean up or a garage clean out - work on it together. Maybe plan for a vacation together as a reward for new behaviors and an opportunity to have fun together. I'd suggest camping in a tent, but I don't think this weather will permit that. :tongue_smilie: If you plan on doing this for long enough to last into the spring, then camping could work. It's a great way to have to rely on each other for basic needs and allows lots of bonding time. I think the more you can get away from TV and outside influences, the better. Would also suggest scheduling daily family prayer time if you're not already doing this. :)

 

Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes. It sounds awesome!!! You've got your priorities in the right place. :grouphug:

[CLHCO]

Great advice here, especially about team building. That can go a long way. I remember reading a book years ago, (sorry - can't remember which one!), where they discussed a boys camp with major issues of disrespect towards one another, mean behaviors, cruelty, etc. The camp, which focused on a great deal of competitive activities, decided to switch gears, and instead found a situation where they would have to unite and work together, kind of like Nanny McPhee 2, where they go catch pigs. It was something real, not a cheesy game. The fix was almost over-night for the camp, though a family will take longer because of years building the negative pattern. A family goal, vision, hobby, or other activity can do wonders in the long run.

 

I would drop some school at least, though some aspects can be used for that character building. You must have the energy to work on this and trying to juggle too much will make you crazy and unable to model the behaviors you would like to see. I think that part is critical. If you can't model the behavior yourself because you are overstressed, you can't succeed.

 

A leader in our local homeschool community once said that a child doesn't drop out of school because no one taught Johnny to read in the 2nd grade. He drops out because he has poor character. (We're discussing children capable, not with disabilities.) With good character, he will put in the work and learn to read, going even further, despite any disadvantage as a young child. Poor character will have him blaming everyone and using it as an excuse to continue a downward spiral. I think character trumps academics when push comes to shove, because the former will far more easily give you both. However, as I said above, you can use some academics to build aspects of that character, if that works for you right now. Only you know best what you can manage.