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5 year old that refuses to do anything for himself


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I need suggestions on this one. My son just turned 5 and he will not do things like get dresses (he definitely can when he wants to), turn on the bathroom light so that he can go in etc. He really seems to like to control a situation by feigning lack of ability. Unfortunately because we are usually trying to get somewhere by a certain time I have to give in and do it. He will through a tantrum in the meantime.

 

Any ideas or suggestions on how to increase his independence in this area would be wonderful!

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Mine is nearly six and the same way.

 

For him, I've just focused on ONE area of independence at a time until it has become habit. Right now we're working on "teaching him" how to tear of his own tp when he needs some. Today, I forgot and did it for him -- he glared at me in shock. Whew! Means I'm making progress and hopefully very soon my days of handing him tp are over.

 

Anyway, I've just worked on one thing at a time until he gets there. It's slow going, but it takes the battle out of it in the meantime. If I know that *this one thing* is going to be his job SOON, but the other stuff is my job, then we skip the whole argument, battle of wills, etc. Which does two things -- one, keeps the peace, and two (and more importantly) doesn't give him any more "wins" to keep him fighting me.

 

Every time I fight him, then give in, he's learning he *can* push me to do what he wants. If I know I'm going to give in anyway, I don't fight him in the first place, ya know? Then, when I do say, "nope, that's your job" he has no "but last time you changed your mind" in his mind to back him up; does that make sense??

 

I know that can seem like being more of a push-over, maybe it is, but that's what works here. The other thing is sometimes I'll preempt the fight by just having him come to me so I can do (whatever). Sometimes he comes to me, I do it. Sometimes though he decides to "fight" me by doing it himself. I then let him ; )

 

I will say, just so you have some hope, my son is doing a lot more things for himself now than he was a year ago. Hang in there; it will end soon enough.

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My just turned 5yo. still tries to get me to do everything for him. One thing that works is to have the older kids make a big fuss when he does things for himself. I have noticed that since we told him he is old enough to sign up for baseball, he is doing much better about dressing himself, as llong as I leave him to do it on his schedule. If we need to go somewhere, I usually do it for the sake of speed.

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He really seems to like to control a situation by feigning lack of ability. !

 

This could be the motivation but it could perhaps also be not wanting to lose the sense of being nurtured . (Are there younger siblings who get what looks like more "mommy love" because they need you to do certain things? Is he an only or a youngest who wants to milk that "baby love" for all he can get?) Or do you really think it's just a battle of wills?

 

You've seen that he gets you to do it whether you've told him to or not when you are under a deadline to get somewhere, so you've got to take that out of the equation somehow. Some suggestions: take 2 weeks off making any commitments that will force you into the time pressure situation. So when he refuses to do something, you can calmly wait him out. Or set up something fun to do (perhaps park day with some other families) but have a babysitter on call. Leave when it's time and babysitter takes over. Babysitter has instructions to be kind, but not fun or playful. He can entertain himself with his toys. It will be key if you try this to not give him the option of suddenly getting everything done when the sitter comes. "Sorry buddy. I need to go now. Next time, I hope you'll be ready!" Or take him in his pj's. The point is that you want to make it his problem, not yours, that he's not getting ready. There are built in consequences for him (we don't go places, I have to go in my jammies and can't really play in the park with jammies on, or mom goes someplace but I don't, or I don't get to do anything fun until I'm dressed...) There are no consequences other than you arranging things so that he is the one making the choice and the impact of his choices fall on him, not you.

 

If your husband is nurturing, you could try a different approach and have him ask when he gets home, "Who got you dressed today, you or mommy?" Let Daddy encourage the grown-up behavior.

 

If you think there might be some "dressing me= love" going on, lavish on nurturance at other times so that he's really tanked up.

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All of my uber-independent children went through a needy period around 5/6. Things are changing rapidly for this age and they know it. They are leaving early childhood behind, and they are awakening to the world. They know they are no longer babes, but they don't feel quite like big kids, even if they sometimes act it. I saw that their vocabulary outpaced their emotional development by many miles. It's a fairly short-lived period in their young lives, plus it's often a time of nightmares & worry (mommy and daddy NOT are all-powerful, robbers are real, etc) for many children (especially if intellectually gifted). They know the end of childhood, as they know it, is near. I found that helping when I could (turning on a a light, helping them to pull a shirt over their head without fanfare as we talked about the coming day, walking with the them to the dark garage, or spooky, empty upstairs bathroom etc) helped limited power struggles, and gave them the reassurance, nurturing, and confidence they craved. The whole world can seem brand new --and overwhelming--- to children of this age.

Edited by LibraryLover
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I don't know! Mine is very much that way as well. I remember when he was in preschool last year, still unable to even put on a T-shirt... yet his preschool teacher reported that when it came time to go play in the snow, he pulled on his bib snowpants, put on his mittens, scarf, coat, and hat, and only needed help with his boots :confused: Clearly ability was not the issue.

 

For me there is some relief in knowing he CAN do it.

 

All I know is that you can't do it quickly (making a reluctant child get dressed.) So I either allot time for it, or I dress him myself without making any pretenses about "you need to do this yourself." Otherwise we both get worked up.

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All of my uber-independent children went through a needy period around 5/6. Things are changing rapidly for this age and they know it. They are leaving early childhood behind, and they are awakening to the world. They know they are no longer babes, but they don't feel quite like big kids, even if they sometimes act it. I saw that their vocabulary outpaced their emotional development by many miles. It's a fairly short-lived period in their young lives, plus it's often a time of nightmares & worry (mommy and daddy NOT are all-powerful, robbers are real, etc) for many children (especially if intellectually gifted). They know the end of childhood, as they know it, is near. I found that helping when I could (turning on a a light, helping them to pull a shirt over their head without fanfare as we talked about the coming day, walking with the them to the dark garage, or spooky, empty upstairs bathroom etc) helped limited power struggles, and gave them the reassurance, nurturing, and confidence they craved. The whole world can seem brand new --and overwhelming--- to children of this age.

 

This is fascinating. My 5.5 yo isn't giving me a hard time about doing things for himself -- thankfully -- but the poor kid is just tormented by nightmares lately. Will have to think about this more.

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This is fascinating. My 5.5 yo isn't giving me a hard time about doing things for himself -- thankfully -- but the poor kid is just tormented by nightmares lately. Will have to think about this more.

 

I found they needed a lot of reassuring, without "what ifs". Their minds already torment them with "What ifs".

 

Whatever they see or hear about, they often think can happen to them. And yes, sure, it can, but that is not going to help them. I spent a lot of time in reassure-mode. "Yes, accidents can happen, but I am a very careful driver. I will follow all the traffic rules and obey all the traffic signals and lights. I always wear my seat belt, and so do you/you are in a car seat. " (One of mine went through a period of time where he worried about car accidents.)

 

"You are safe here with me. I know we saw that some people in Egypt (for instance) were fighting, but that is not happening here." Hollow it may sound, but all they want to know is that nobody is rioting at the White House today.

 

"I eat healthy food, and I walk/exercise so that my heart will be healthy." Another one of mine was worried about heart attacks after a parent's friend had one. Sure, anyone can have a heart attack, but that's not what they need to hear at this age. If you are proactive in taking care of your health, let them know.

 

A 5 year old already thinks (unlike a 3 year old who believes parents are all-powerful), "My mother is just a person. She can't can't keep bad things from happening, and Daddy isn't Superman." What they need is calm reassurance (where you hedge your bets, kwim?) "Everything is ok. The police will come right away if we need them", "There is nothing but dust in the garage, but lets go get your boots together, because I know it seems so big", "Let me help you with your shirt, so we can go have a nice breakfast/meet our friends" etc. Everyone needs TLC, and a little slowing down is a big old scary world, especially for little children, for whom all things in life are brand new, is appropriate.

Edited by LibraryLover
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I have two 5 year olds, six weeks apart. The younger one has gone through this. At first I resisted and insisted he do things himself. It didn't take me long to decide to just go with it and "help" him, sometimes before he asked, sometimes when he asked. The battles disappeared and turned more into laughing/jokes because we both knew he didn't really need my help and I would sometimes laugh about it and tease him in a sweet way. He loved it. It did not take long at all before he quit asking for my help.

 

I'm really glad I changed my approach. I now look back on it fondly.;)

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I'm really glad I changed my approach. I now look back on it fondly.;)

 

 

:001_smile: And doesn't it make the bonds that much stronger later on? With big kids who trust & respect you-- that's huge for me. I don't have many regrets. An emotional need met is a need that never comes back to haunt you.

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Thanks everyone :grouphug:

 

He is the youngest and I know he gets taken to too many of his older siblings activities. Unfortunately there isn't much I can do about that. This year he is old enough to take part in a few sports and library programs himself which is nice. But even though he knows he is going to do something fun, he still won't get dressed. His grandmother was over the other day and it was noon. She said something about him still being in his jammies and boom, out he came fully dressed!

 

He does frequently tell me that he is still my little baby, and he does unfortunately have to wait at certain points while I do school with ds1, but again, there isn't much I can do about that. I have tried making lapbooks with him while doing school with ds1, but all ds2 wants to do is play Lego - with his brother. So he must wait and isn't thrilled.

 

I really appreciate the suggestions. I do try very hard to make sure his emotional needs are being met. Things have been so busy here since Nov. I'll keep this in my mind and make sure I'm really spending some snuggle time with him.

 

Thanks everyone :)

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