Joyfullyblessed Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Hello, I simply would like to know if parents with 18 year olds who move out are still paying for their car insurance? This may seem like a strange question, but I just need some opinions on it. Last night I sat down with my 17 year old daughter who will be 18 in two weeks and tried to talk to her about many of her upcoming plans. She has been saying she will be moving out as soon as she turns 18, but she is not sure if it will be February or May. Anyway, I was just asking her if she has figured out some type of budget as to what it is going to cost her to live on her own. I mentioned things like rent, car insurance, gas, etc... etc... Well, when I mentioned the car insurance thing to her she got very ugly and said "F you!". I didn't understand why she said such a thing. She proceeded to tell me that if I make her pay her own car insurance she will "disown" me and that I will not be her parent anymore. What!?!?! :( Right now we do pay her insurance, she has no car payment (her grandpa gave her a used car), and she only pays for gas. Grandpa even picks up any maintenance costs. We made it clear that when she moves out, we will switch the title of the car over into her name (it is in my name currently due to her age) and that it would be all her responsibility at that time. This was discussed quite a while back and she didn't argue with it at all. I do not think that we are being unreasonable at all. She says that I knew it has been her dream since she was 11 to move out of the house. This is not a true statement, but that is what she claims right now. Anyway, I am now hindering that dream because "I know she can't afford to pay car insurance and live on her own". Let me just say that this child is completely disrespectful to our family and expresses how much she can't stand being here on a daily basis. It truly hurts my heart so much. Anyway, my question... am I being unreasonable to say that she will be responsible for her insurance once she moves out? This is just car insurance. Thanks and have a great day. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 It is not unreasonable to expect her to pay her own insurance (whether she lives home or on her own) in the least. It is even LESS unreasonable when said teenager is cussing you out over it! :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheCoffeeChick Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 When I was 18, the deal was that my parents paid for my insurance as long I in school full time. But if I had ever talked to my parents like that, they'd have dropped me before I knew what was happening. In fact, they'd have dropped me even at 17 if I spoke like that! Driving is a privelige, not a right. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBM Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 No, you're not being unreasonable. You'll be doing her a favor if you allow her to take responsibility for it herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Once those words were out of her mouth...the plates would have been off the car. I am very serious. If I pay the insurance, I own the plates. NO WAY would I allow a kid who thinks they are an adiult to speak to me that way. THAT is the issue...not the insurance or bills or anything else...and if she disowned me...her problem...not mine. Sorry, but the priority is respect...and some kids need to learn hard lessons. I would not get into an argument...i would just get my screw driver...pop off the plates...and tell her she wants to be free....so free she is.... Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 My 17 y.o. will be getting his license this this spring, has no intention of moving out in the foreseeable future, but is fully expected to have the money for his car insurance once he starts driving our cars. Could we pay it? Yes. Will we? No. As far as we are concerned, his assuming this responsibility is helping him gain maturity as he transitions into adulthood. There is no way under the sun I would pay for your dd's insurance especially given the way she talked to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarcyB Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 The disrespect is definitely an issue. It needs to be what is addressed now. If she feels she's mature enough to live on her own, it should include ALL the things that come with it - paying your own way. My parents did pay for my car insurance while I was in school, but like others have said, if I had ever responded to them with that level of disrespect, I'd have been out on my backside in a heartbeat. If you're adult enough to think you can speak to me that way - you're adult enough to already be living on your own -see ya. I'm sorry that the relationship between you is this way. I know it's hard on a mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyfullyblessed Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you for the quick replies already. I am battling tears as I read them. :crying: I didn't think I was being unreasonable, but reading these responses helps me to know that I did nothing wrong or out of line. Yes, the disrespect is horrible. I am trying to get her the help that she needs, but even so, I am seeing no improvement. Again, it breaks my heart because I am at such a loss with this child, yet I keep trying because I am her mom and want the best for her. Thank you all again. I greatly appreciate hearing from each one of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed3x Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 My parents did pay for my car insurance while I was in school, but like others have said, if I had ever responded to them with that level of disrespect, I'd have been out on my backside in a heartbeat. I'm sorry that the relationship between you is this way. I know it's hard on a mom. :iagree: I am sorry you are going through this, but this is true. We do pay the car insurance for our dd 19 & 20, but they are full time students with good grades. As long as they keep their grades up and there are no accidents, we pay while they are in school. Once they graduate, they are on their own. If they are in an at fault accident, they are on their own. And, while it has never come up, they silently know if they ever disrespected me or the family like that, they would be on their own. In my opinion, you have done more than enough paying her insurance while she has disrespected and hurt you like that. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 She is wrong to treat you that way, flat out. And I am not in the same situation. However, from a practical standpoint, if I were going to help a child beyond their living with and being dependent on me, insurance would be one of the areas I would probably think about taking care of--car insurance and medical coverage. This is because it can save so much money in the long run, and it's the kind of expense that kids tend to discount or drop in favor of rent and other immediate necessities. I'm not certain that I would would pay for this, and the difficulties in the relationship would certainly give me pause, but if I paid for anything, this is probably what it would be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 :grouphug: Here's my take on it. If my dc is pursuing something like college or an internship or something useful, I will do all I can to help them financially, one thing would be car insurance. If they are just moving out and getting a job and living life, we will phase out our financial help over a period of 6 months or so depending on how much help we give in the first place. I would give dc time to get settled and then take on things like car insurance, cell phone bill, etc. over time. Don't let her attitude manipulate what you and dh decide to do. It sounds to me like maybe, deep down inside, she's a little insecure about moving out and is taking it out on you all. Not right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 When I had my first car, I paid all the expenses on it. I was 16 or 17 and I worked a part-time job after school. My mother was broke and could not afford to pay it for me. I bought and paid for clothing (at thrift stores) and extras with my own earnings. My mom was not handing out $20 bills like my friend's folks were. What a blessing that was! I moved out when I was 19 and had a full-time job. I had a roommate and we ate a lot of Ramen noodles. I lived on a strict budget. I already knew how to budget and save because I had to manage my own money in high school. When I got married at 23 I had $5K saved. Another thing that helped me understand budgeting and what it takes to live on my own was a assignment I had in high school. We were instructed to find a job listing in the local paper and find out how much it paid. Then we had to research and find a local apartment and assume we were renting it. We had to figure out a weekly grocery list and research prices, etc. It opened my eyes. I recommend that you get a neutral person to go work with your daughter on this type of assignment. Does she have another adult she can do this with? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Once those words were out of her mouth...the plates would have been off the car. I am very serious. If I pay the insurance, I own the plates. I didn't even read the rest of the replies. Didn't need to. This. Definitely this. :glare: Maybe after I calmed down (in a month or two), we could talk about her insurance needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Once those words were out of her mouth...the plates would have been off the car. I am very serious. If I pay the insurance, I own the plates. NO WAY would I allow a kid who thinks they are an adiult to speak to me that way. THAT is the issue...not the insurance or bills or anything else...and if she disowned me...her problem...not mine. Sorry, but the priority is respect...and some kids need to learn hard lessons. I would not get into an argument...i would just get my screw driver...pop off the plates...and tell her she wants to be free....so free she is.... Faithe :iagree: My folks paid for my health and car insurance for 4 years after high school but only so long as I was respectful and a full-time student. Which included not only speaking respectfully but showing up and being congenial for family holidays. Yes there were times I wasn't able to go but it was discussed in advance. Set her free. Looks like she wants to learn things on her own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Journey Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I have two daughters, and trust me, yours sounds like a spoiled brat (I am really sorry but that's what I got from your post). She also sounds like she threatens alot but doesn't follow through. I'm not sure about your state but here in NY, the registration and insurance has to be in the same person's name (I work for a huge insurance company) so tell her that. Seriously, though there is NO way I would pay for this kid's insurnace. She needs to grow up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 It is not unreasonable to expect her to pay her own insurance (whether she lives home or on her own) in the least.It is even LESS unreasonable when said teenager is cussing you out over it! :001_huh: When I was 18, the deal was that my parents paid for my insurance as long I in school full time. But if I had ever talked to my parents like that, they'd have dropped me before I knew what was happening. In fact, they'd have dropped me even at 17 if I spoke like that! Driving is a privelige, not a right. :grouphug: Once those words were out of her mouth...the plates would have been off the car. I am very serious. If I pay the insurance, I own the plates. NO WAY would I allow a kid who thinks they are an adiult to speak to me that way. THAT is the issue...not the insurance or bills or anything else...and if she disowned me...her problem...not mine. Sorry, but the priority is respect...and some kids need to learn hard lessons. I would not get into an argument...i would just get my screw driver...pop off the plates...and tell her she wants to be free....so free she is.... Faithe :iagree: if she wants to be an adult...let her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Only is she were a full-time college student. If she responded to me the way your dd did......never. And, she'd also lose her driver's license at that moment. She could speak to the DMV on her own about getting a new one (and paying for it) when she turned 18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm sorry she is having such a hard time accepting the realities of adult responsibilities and trying to take it out on you. You need to be strong in your convictions, whatever they may be, so that she can pull herself together and make good choices. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 It is not unreasonable to expect her to pay her own insurance (whether she lives home or on her own) in the least.It is even LESS unreasonable when said teenager is cussing you out over it! :001_huh: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 First off, :grouphug: What a horrible way for you to be treated. :001_huh: FWIW, I think my mom covered my insurance while I worked on my undergrad degree. I think you are justified in not paying it for your daughter. She sounds disrespectful and ungrateful for what you've already given her. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakereese Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 When I was driving my first car my dad had me pay my own insurance. It was A LOT of money to me, I was only in high school, and of course being so young and living in an expensive area, it was almost as much as a car payment at the time. BUT it was the best thing he could have done for me. It really taught me how much something like this cost. I think to teenagers something like insurance is hard to understand, you can't "see" it, and they may not really comprehend how much it costs, why it is so important, etc. I know I didn't. But my dad had me call around to find the best rates (of course now all of that can be done in minutes online!) and in doing that I learned about the car, where to find the VIN, and how much the car was worth. It really was an education in growing up and taking care of something. At the time it was annoying to me, but I NEVER EVER EVER would have treated my dad so poorly, especially over car insurance. I'm certain if I had, I would never have driven that car again. It was also understood that once I moved out, I was on my own. If your DD is worried about paying insurance when she moves out, she is not truly ready to move out. There are so many expenses that will occur when you are living in your own place that you don't always anticipate, and it can be quite expensive. So, if she is worried that she can't make an insurance payment, well...she may not have enough money saved up. I think once you have both calmed down you need to have a talk about what will occur from now on, it terms of what you will pay for. She needs to have it all spelled out for her so she can plan, and you need to know what you will be responsible for as well. Just so there is no misunderstanding when the time comes. It must be hard to watch this. :grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. My kids are still young, but I am already thinking about these teenage years and everything we will go through...ugh. I hope your DD will realize that she hurt you and cannot treat you that way. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Based on what you have said I agree with many of the other poster's and the plates would be off the car. That said, is there a reason your dd is behaving this way? What is she so angry about? She sounds very afraid that she is not going to be able to move out :confused:. I moved out when I was 16, I had a job and I paid for my own insurance. (My father continued to pay my health insurance) I don' t think what you are asking is unreasonable, but I do think there is more to this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Car insurance would be the LEAST of my worries had I spoken to my mother like that.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hannah C. Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 About car insurance: My dh and I have been married for over a year. We are both on his parents' auto insurance plan, and he is on his parents' health insurance. However, we pay them our portion of the car and health insurance, and he has been paying them for car insurance as long as he's been driving, as far as I know. I think when he was a full time student they may have paid for his car insurance, but otherwise it's always been his responsibility. We're on his parents' car insurance because it is so, so much cheaper for us to be part of that plan than to get our own plan! We're very blessed that the insurance company and his parents are willing to let us do that. :001_smile: Same thing goes for health insurance. About the situation you've described: I agree with the pps, all of whom have put it much better than I could. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FortWorthCookes Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Once those words were out of her mouth...the plates would have been off the car. I am very serious. If I pay the insurance, I own the plates. NO WAY would I allow a kid who thinks they are an adiult to speak to me that way. THAT is the issue...not the insurance or bills or anything else...and if she disowned me...her problem...not mine. Sorry, but the priority is respect...and some kids need to learn hard lessons. I would not get into an argument...i would just get my screw driver...pop off the plates...and tell her she wants to be free....so free she is.... Faithe :iagree: 100%. Any kid who talks to me like that can walk to wherever she needs to go. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I will keep her in my prayers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl in NM Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Hello, I simply would like to know if parents with 18 year olds who move out are still paying for their car insurance? This may seem like a strange question, but I just need some opinions on it. Last night I sat down with my 17 year old daughter who will be 18 in two weeks and tried to talk to her about many of her upcoming plans. She has been saying she will be moving out as soon as she turns 18, but she is not sure if it will be February or May. Anyway, I was just asking her if she has figured out some type of budget as to what it is going to cost her to live on her own. I mentioned things like rent, car insurance, gas, etc... etc... Well, when I mentioned the car insurance thing to her she got very ugly and said "F you!". I didn't understand why she said such a thing. She proceeded to tell me that if I make her pay her own car insurance she will "disown" me and that I will not be her parent anymore. What!?!?! :( Right now we do pay her insurance, she has no car payment (her grandpa gave her a used car), and she only pays for gas. Grandpa even picks up any maintenance costs. We made it clear that when she moves out, we will switch the title of the car over into her name (it is in my name currently due to her age) and that it would be all her responsibility at that time. This was discussed quite a while back and she didn't argue with it at all. I do not think that we are being unreasonable at all. She says that I knew it has been her dream since she was 11 to move out of the house. This is not a true statement, but that is what she claims right now. Anyway, I am now hindering that dream because "I know she can't afford to pay car insurance and live on her own". Let me just say that this child is completely disrespectful to our family and expresses how much she can't stand being here on a daily basis. It truly hurts my heart so much. Anyway, my question... am I being unreasonable to say that she will be responsible for her insurance once she moves out? This is just car insurance. Thanks and have a great day. :) WOW! I'd say that she is out ON her 18th birthday, no choice to her. That kind of disrespect is complete unacceptable. That being said, we provided our 20 year old with a used vehicle, which we maintain and pay the insurance for and we pay for her cell phone. The vehicle is in our name and she has the option to purchase it from us at which point she would become responsible for all costs associated with it. She has her own apartment, works and attends college. She is thinking about starting her own cell plan because she wants a newer phone with a data plan and we won't pay for it. But, she has been respectful. If she EVER said F you to us for any reason, we'd collect the truck and quit paying for anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upstatemamma Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 My children are still very little but I will say that when I was 18 I paid my own car insurance. I also paid for any repairs and my gas. And that never seemed unreasonable to me. As a matter of fact I thought I was so lucky that they had bought me my car at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tylianna Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I'm sorry you have to go through with this. :grouphug: Take the ideas you have read above and use only what you feel comfortable with. Dh would have taken everything out as soon as those words left her mouth. He expects respect, especially to me. I agree that she has had dreams about what she can afford and when they were "crushed" she went off. Hopefully she has apologized by now, but if my experience as a teenager tells me anything, i am willing to bet that she hasn't. It is not your fault for expecting your dd to grow up, especially when she wants out so bad. It could be a defense mechanism where she is trying to push you out of the way in order to feel less guilty about leaving? Just my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Absolutely, positively NOT unreasonable! The fact that she has a car of her own is quite a privilege. In fact, I would be making her pay insurance on it right now or take away the keys. But, then again, I don't take too kindly to disrespect;). My son does not pay car insurance, but mostly because he only uses a car to do things I want him to be doing ... driving himself and his brother to Karate, driving to his college class, running errands for me. If he had more of a social life, I would be requiring more financial participation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovin Learnin Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Both of my boys are over 18 and both have cars (hand-me-downs from both grandmas). We do pay their insurance. Oldest ds is away at college but leaves his car at home, which gives us a huge discount. Dh and I have said from the start that all car AND cell phone expenses become their own the minute they: a) decide to take the car to school b) let their grades drop c) graduate d) move out, or e) decide they are ready to be independent (we threw this one in to avoid the 'I'm an adult and don't have to follow house rules'). My kids have known this from the start and both see the use of a car and cell phone without the expense as a privilege that they appreciate and want to keep at this time so they readily abide by the rules. I imagine if we had first implemented the rules at the point one of the above happened, instead of prior to them even being an issue, they might interpret the rule as a punishment designed to control them. My kids tend to roll their eyes when I lay down a list of rules for something that isn't an issue right now but at least they know up front what to expect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Our boys pay all expenses related to their cars; the cars themselves were gifts from other people. Ds21 is in college full-time and pays a quarter of all expenses related to school (housing, food, tuition, books, fees). He works every break and all summer. Ds19 is working part time and living at home. We do not charge rent at the moment, but he will be moving out shortly. Your daughter needs to make a realistic budget, and get a plan. I would not keep her at home if she's wanting to leave, but I'd definitely prepare her for what she'll be facing when she goes. Oh, and with a grampa like you describe, I'd sure as shootin' be on the horn to him, telling him he's NOT to help her with insurance. You can bet she'll ask him if you refuse to pay. I'm sorry she's such a brat. I've had lots of struggles with respect around here, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BBG580 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Hmm, wow, you've gotten a lot of great replies. My parents never paid car insurance for me, not even when I was a minor living at home. I was told they had already provided the only transportation they were going to provide - my feet - and if I wanted to go faster than than I'd have to get a job. And so I got a job, bought my own car and paid for all the gas and insurance. You are not doing your daughter any favors by allowing her to treat you so poorly while also expecting you to shoulder her financial burdens. If she wants to be treated as an adult - moving out is part of adulthood - then treat her like an adult. You may want to give her as a launch gift into adulthood the Financial Peace series by Dave Ramsey. What she chooses to do with it is her own concern but YOU are not responsible for her choices, financial or otherwise once she is on her own. Hang in there, I can only imagine how hard it would be to put this kind of tough love into practice. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 You are definitely not being unreasonable! It sounds to me like she could use a dose of reality and some tough love. I'm sorry you're having to deal with her attitude. I'd venture to say after some time on her own, she'll be changing her tune. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Hello, I simply would like to know if parents with 18 year olds who move out are still paying for their car insurance? This may seem like a strange question, but I just need some opinions on it. Last night I sat down with my 17 year old daughter who will be 18 in two weeks and tried to talk to her about many of her upcoming plans. She has been saying she will be moving out as soon as she turns 18, but she is not sure if it will be February or May. Anyway, I was just asking her if she has figured out some type of budget as to what it is going to cost her to live on her own. I mentioned things like rent, car insurance, gas, etc... etc... Well, when I mentioned the car insurance thing to her she got very ugly and said "F you!". I didn't understand why she said such a thing. She proceeded to tell me that if I make her pay her own car insurance she will "disown" me and that I will not be her parent anymore. What!?!?! :( Right now we do pay her insurance, she has no car payment (her grandpa gave her a used car), and she only pays for gas. Grandpa even picks up any maintenance costs. We made it clear that when she moves out, we will switch the title of the car over into her name (it is in my name currently due to her age) and that it would be all her responsibility at that time. This was discussed quite a while back and she didn't argue with it at all. I do not think that we are being unreasonable at all. She says that I knew it has been her dream since she was 11 to move out of the house. This is not a true statement, but that is what she claims right now. Anyway, I am now hindering that dream because "I know she can't afford to pay car insurance and live on her own". Let me just say that this child is completely disrespectful to our family and expresses how much she can't stand being here on a daily basis. It truly hurts my heart so much. Anyway, my question... am I being unreasonable to say that she will be responsible for her insurance once she moves out? This is just car insurance. Thanks and have a great day. :) You are not unreasonable. She is blessed that you are willing to give her the car. Beyond that, if she wants to live an adult life, she needs to take on adult responsibilities, which include car insurance, utilities, groceries, toiletries.... I am not in any way excusing her behavior, understand, but I know that for some child-adults, facing the reality of adult life as opposed to what they'd dreamed it would be when they were 11 can be overwhelming. I expect she's struggling with facing the clash between the dream and the reality, and she's (inappropriately) angry with the world and taking it out on you. Calmly let her know that she is responsible for her dreams. And all of her other actions, including her language and who she allows into her life. Manipulating emotions and relationships to get others, even parents, to fund her dream life is icky. If she threatens to disown you, calmly say, "I'm sorry to hear that. I will always love you and be here if you change your mind." Then when she goes, love her and let her go, even if she falls flat on her face. You can be there to pick her up and dust her off and help her get pointed in the right direction. :grouphug: I have a child with whom I have a challenging relationship. In many ways my dd is facing the same adult reality-dream clash, though she is expressing it very differently. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It does make our hearts ache to see them struggle, doesn't it? Hang in there, momma. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I would seriously have canceled the insurance today. No question. My DH would have done it if I didn't. We would not pay for a child who acted like that to drive a car at our partial expense for one red second. When she's 18, she can either figure out how to get it reinstated or she can ride a bike. Honestly, I would be letting her know that I have no intention of making it hard for her to move out. She has my full love and emotional support no matter where she lives. She has my financial support only until she's 18 and then only for absolute necessities, of which driving is not one. After and beyond that, it's just a matter of paying for what I feel like paying for. It sounds like she is trying to hurt your feelings. I think I would try to put my feelings where she can't get to them and try to be business like. "Yes, you are free to move. Yes, I will still love you. Sorry you will disown me. I will never disown you, so you will always be welcome to get back in touch. No, I won't give you any money." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I would seriously have canceled the insurance today. No question. My DH would have done it if I didn't. We would not pay for a child who acted like that to drive a car at our partial expense for one red second. This too. Adulthood stinks sometimes, including the part where we're repsonsible for the consequences of our words and actions. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 The minute those words were out of her mouth, her insurance would have been canceled. And I'm not too sure that her father wouldn't have strongly suggested she leave a couple weeks early. In our family, we paid our dds insurance until they got part-time work (around 16 yrs), but they remained on our policy with all the discounts. Our oldest hasn't lived at home for several years, but she's still on our policy (with agent's knowledge). Our other dd is married so is on her dh's policy. If paying auto insurance were hindering from attending college, and if they were keeping their grades up, I would help out with it if I were able. So far, they've been able to handle it all on their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawn in OH Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Wow. From day one, I paid for my own car, all the maintenance, gas and the insurance, despite being a full time high school student. I don't think your daughter realizes how lucky she is. She was very rude and disrespectful. Personally, I would say that if she's that anxious to be out of my house, and willing to speak so disrespectfully to me, she can pay for her own car insurance. You don't treat people like dirt and then expect them to finance you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I don't know how long you have until she is 18 but if my 17 yr old spoke tome that way shed not only have no plates but no license either. As her parent you have the authority to revoke her license until she is 18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
May Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Living on your own is part of adulthood. Adults pay their own bills. My oldest dd were going through a rough period when she was 19. She was going to move out because she thought we were too controlling. When we both calmed down, we talked about how she would pay for a car, insurance, cellphone etc. She was quite surprised when she started researching how much things actually cost. Her attitude greatly improved.:001_smile: I hope things have calmed down and please know you are not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 You are not unreasonable. She is blessed that you are willing to give her the car. Beyond that, if she wants to live an adult life, she needs to take on adult responsibilities, which include car insurance, utilities, groceries, toiletries.... I am not in any way excusing her behavior, understand, but I know that for some child-adults, facing the reality of adult life as opposed to what they'd dreamed it would be when they were 11 can be overwhelming. I expect she's struggling with facing the clash between the dream and the reality, and she's (inappropriately) angry with the world and taking it out on you. Calmly let her know that she is responsible for her dreams. And all of her other actions, including her language and who she allows into her life. Manipulating emotions and relationships to get others, even parents, to fund her dream life is icky. If she threatens to disown you, calmly say, "I'm sorry to hear that. I will always love you and be here if you change your mind." Then when she goes, love her and let her go, even if she falls flat on her face. You can be there to pick her up and dust her off and help her get pointed in the right direction. :grouphug: I have a child with whom I have a challenging relationship. In many ways my dd is facing the same adult reality-dream clash, though she is expressing it very differently. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It does make our hearts ache to see them struggle, doesn't it? Hang in there, momma. Cat :iagree:I wanted to add a bit to this as well. Many here have stated that if their children had spoken that way to them the plates would be off. I agree with that...in most cases. There is always the other side of the story. I spoke to my mother that way a few times...right around that age, and she will tell you that she had laid the foundation for that response. She had never cussed at me, but she had turned my world upside down on many occasions. Yes, I was a mess, but a huge part of that was as the result of life and parenting choices my mother made. Often she would go and talk to her "friends" about me, and come back to me and say, "Well so in so, thinks I am way to soft on you. You shouldn't even have a car!" Never telling so in so, about the emotional chaos that was my home life. She was very free to tell her side of the story....and I was the rebellious brat. I felt ganged up on and without recourse...eventually becoming so exasperated that I did lash out in ugly ways. I married at 18 and had very little contact with my mother until about 4yrs ago, when she called and apologized for the life choices she had made and how badly they had affected me. Anyway, we have a great relationship now, and I love her dearly. Last Christmas we got together for the first time in years. My younger siblings were there and it was a very healing time. My mother aknowledge to them...al the mistakes she made with me. They got to see how different they had it. Not all disrepectful, rebellious kids are brats...some are often trying to survive in difficult households with limited options and maturity. To the OP, I am NOT saying this is you!!!!! You are probly a wonderful mother :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Our daughters didn't drive until they could pay their own insurance which just happened to be ages 19 and 20. Your daughter should consider herself lucky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 My parents paid the insurance on theor car that they gave me the privilege to drive. It was always understood that it was a previlige, not a right. I don't pay car insurance for my ds anymore - he's a full-time student living in Japan. When he's home, he can't drive. Simple. When he can afford his own car+insurance then he can drive. I taught him to drive and he drove my cars until he went away to school. Now that he's an adult, it is his responsibilty. (he also doesn't have a cell phone because he can't afford it). My son and I had a hard time the year he turned 18. We both felt like we were in the middle of a bad break-up. It was hard. He was ready to go to college; I was ready for him to be more mature. Even though he was respectful to me, it still broke my heart to watch him take those steps that I couldn't help him with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherry in OH Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Once you remove your name from the title, she will need her own policy regardless of who pays. My parents paid my insurance while I was in school and was an occasional driver of their vehicles. When I bought my first car, my grandparents co-signed the loan. My mother was listed on the title as co-owner even though I was responsible for all payments. That allowed me to stay on my parent's insurance. I then became responsible for the difference between the new premium and the old premium. When I finished college and moved out on my own, my mother signed the title over to me and I got my own insurance policy. My parents did the same with each of my sisters. They did allow us to move back in with them for varying periods of time when jobs did not work out. They did not pay our bills, but only charged us the difference in utilities while we were between jobs. You and your husband need to discuss and agree on how much more assistance you will provide your daughter. Could you pay for the first 3-6 months of insurance to give her time to get on her feet? Pay the security deposit, first month's rent, and utility hook-up? No assistance? What will you do if she can't make it on her own? Would you really allow her to live on the street? (Some parents would, others would not.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyfullyblessed Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thanks for all the responses. I truly appreciate reading each of them. I do want to just say that I am honestly not one of these moms that has just brought this on myself. I am doing everything I can think of to help this child despite how hateful she is towards me. I love her and want the best for her. Last night when I tried to talk with her, I was simply wanting to address some things to see what she was thinking of truly doing in the near future. She tells me ALL the time that she is out of here once she turns 18. I would like to plan a birthday party for her with our family and wanted to make sure she is still going to be here and that she would take off of work to attend. She told me that she does not want me to give her a party at all. I really want to and asked her again later only to get "I don't know why you can't get it through your brain that I don't want you to give me a party". :( It scares me because I don't think she is ready to move out and she doesn't seem to have any plans. I want to help her, even if that is simply trying to provide some guidance in how to possibly budget. Of course, when I mentioned things she needed to consider for budgeting that is when she went off on me. She told me that I was wasting my breath and wasting her time. I don't want her to move out right now, this is all her idea. My parents have offered to let her live at their house, but so far she is refusing. She claims to absolutely hate it here at home and I genuinely do not know why. I have asked her what I have done wrong and she says "everything", but can never give me examples. I am completely willing to pay the insurance on her car if she would like to treat me with respect and act decent towards me. However, with the great disrespect that I receive from her on a daily basis and the fact that she tells me she is "outta here when she is 18", well, I think that paying her own car insurance is not out of the question. She has already told me that my life is going to get worse once she is 18, even though I can't really imagine how. Please understand that I want to help this child, but she does not want it. She has even said that once she moves out, she is planning to take a long break from me. What???? I do not understand the huge dislike towards me, I really don't. Oh, and yes, she is trying to hurt me. She even said last night that she was going to not say anything else because she didn't want to say anymore because she knew it was hurting me. She used to tell me that if what she said hurt me, that I just need to suck it up. No, she has not always been like this. She seems to have gotten into a small group of people who are not good influences on her at all. She is friends with a boy (they used to be boyfriend/girlfriend) whom she is obsessed with right now. Whatever this guy says is right, yet he is the one that has called her names and put her down, etc.... I have never done things like this to her and yet I am the bad guy & he is golden. Anyway, thank you so much for your responses. I do truly appreciate each and every one of them. I just have to keep praying that things are going to be alright for her and for our family. It is such a very, very difficult thing to go through and I never imagined that things would be like this, ever. Everyone have a wonderful evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 You sound like a wonderful loving mother!!!! I am so sorry you guys are going thru this rough time. You might be an easy target for her anger right now. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnitaMcC Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 First off, if my kids shown such disrespect... they wouldn't even have a drivers license before age 18!!!! Nor would they have any privileges!!!!!!! Dh and I only pay for insurance for our kids for the first 3 months of them having a drivers license. After that first 3 months, they pay for it themselves. We just feel that to have a drivers license and privilege of using a car (or have a their own car) the teen has to work for it themselves. So if they want to drive, they have to pay for insurance and gas they use. If they have their own car... they also have to pay for the upkeep of car and registration. We give them the first 3 months so they can start working and saving up their money. Just a little boost to get started type thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you for the quick replies already. I am battling tears as I read them. :crying: I didn't think I was being unreasonable, but reading these responses helps me to know that I did nothing wrong or out of line. Yes, the disrespect is horrible. I am trying to get her the help that she needs, but even so, I am seeing no improvement. Again, it breaks my heart because I am at such a loss with this child, yet I keep trying because I am her mom and want the best for her. Thank you all again. I greatly appreciate hearing from each one of you. When they are away at college, we still pay but if they were to move out on their own we would not. In fact, I don't even know if your insurance would go for that since they are no longer in your household. I definitely would not reward that kind of disrespect. It's that attitude of entitlement that seems to be so prevalent in today's society. I don't think you would do her any favors to teach her that she IS entitled to your support after she leaves. Unfortunately, she might even expect MORE if you gave her that. Stand strong! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Actually, "F you" would be enough to keep the car in the driveway... (something disconnected so it wouldn't drive...) and let her be an adult by herself. I was VERY mad at my parents at times, and did move out. But, I was NEVER allowed... or thought I could say that... (and if I had... my parents would have taken the car back) I've explained to my kids the whole concept of "until you're an adult, your material possessions are legally mine". Remember, deep breath... regardless of how she THINKS she feels... she'll show love to you later.... It usually turns around :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 My parents paid my car insurance until I got married. I was very fortunate and grateful that they were so generous. I can guarantee if I ever mouthed off at them the way your daughter did at you I would not have had to worry about insurance because I would no longer have a car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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