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Crosspost, Prom.... WWYD


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This is also on the high school forum.

 

My dd has been homeschooled for her whole school career. She is a junior. She has close friends at youth group who are seniors. They have been telling her since last year that they want her to go to their prom with them at the local public school. So tonight, one of the senior guys asked her to go. Supposedly just as friends..... we don't know if the group put him up to it and he didn't want to, or if he is ok with it. He was nervous when he asked her. He recently broke up with his girlfriend, who is also a close friend to dd. And he doesn't have the money to pay her way. So, about a hundred dollars to contribute to the limo, dinner wasn't mentioned, ticket to go, her dress etc. and no details about if there is anything afterward. Deadline for answer: TOMORROW!!! We are homeschoolers, and when I went to my prom, there was not a limo, it was very simple, so we are clueless. So, I don't know how she would be getting home, if they plan on wandering the area all night (which I'm not ok with), or ?? We are both leaning toward no, but would love perspective on this!!

 

Thank you all!

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I think it would put her in a very awkward situation with her friend, the ex-girlfriend. Along with that you both aren't feeling great about it, it costs a lot, he didn't seem very confident about asking,... I think about this with my own dd and I just don't think she would really have that much fun.

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It sounds like this is something she may have been thinking about for the last year. Has she been looking forward to maybe getting to go for a year now ? What does she think ?

I don't know, just based on what you've said, if I'd let her go or not. A lot would depend on what I knew about the people she has been socializing with from that school, who she will be with at the dance.

If I did let her go, I would set up some boundaries. If you are willing to let her go, but want her brought home as soon as the dance is let out, rather than going off alone with that boy, then say so.

 

 

My oldest daughter went to a formal dance with a boy while she was high school age and I had heard there were going to be "after" parties. I told her she had to come straight home when the dance was over , and she did. She didn't even seem to mind about that. She said that her and the boy she went with were not interested in the "after" parties anyway.

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If she doesn't want to go, help her stay home.

 

We are leaning toward this...... IDEAS please!!!!

 

High school is SO awkward. She is quiet, doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. She just got more details about the evening and isn't that thrilled with the plans. These are close friends that we trust, and it is very nice of them to include her. But there is some traveling planned (going to the next city to dinner to kill time with the limo and the beach afterwards late at night) that we are not sure about. Those do scare us a little. We will usually drive our kids pretty close to anywhere so we can be the drivers..... we don't have much control with this! I would probably feel a little better if it all stayed close to home and the school.

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I think it would put her in a very awkward situation with her friend, the ex-girlfriend. Along with that you both aren't feeling great about it, it costs a lot, he didn't seem very confident about asking,... I think about this with my own dd and I just don't think she would really have that much fun.

:iagree:I recently witnessed what happens when you break the first rule of girl friends: you don't date your friend's ex! Not a good idea! Maybe she can "go as friends" with another friend, one that also can't afford a limo. (At my prom dinner was part of the price of the ticket.)

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I can think of a lot of reasons why the boy would be nervous - he just broke up with someone she is a good friend with, asking someone new out on a date is hard just due to fear of rejection, he knew it would be expensive and couldn't pay for her part at all.... He may also have given a dealine because tomorrow is the last day to buy tickets and make some reservations.

 

I would let her go if she wants. Maybe they could share the limo with another couple or 2 so the cost is less. You can find dresses all over fairly inexpensively right now or you may even be able to rent one. My prom wasn't that great but it wasn't that bad either. We had fun with friends and went home. Now several schools in our area have all night supervised parties to help keep the kids safe and I would approve of one of those for my son.

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We are leaning toward this...... IDEAS please!!!!

 

High school is SO awkward. She is quiet, doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. She just got more details about the evening and isn't that thrilled with the plans. These are close friends that we trust, and it is very nice of them to include her. But there is some traveling planned (going to the next city to dinner to kill time with the limo and the beach afterwards late at night) that we are not sure about. Those do scare us a little. We will usually drive our kids pretty close to anywhere so we can be the drivers..... we don't have much control with this! I would probably feel a little better if it all stayed close to home and the school.

 

Be the "bad guy" and take the fall (with her friends) for not letting her go. I told a guy once that I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, which was true. But then I made the mistake and said that I agreed with my guardian's decision. If she wants a way out, give it to her. That way it's not her rejecting him/the group.

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We are leaning toward this...... IDEAS please!!!!

 

High school is SO awkward. She is quiet, doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. She just got more details about the evening and isn't that thrilled with the plans. These are close friends that we trust, and it is very nice of them to include her. But there is some traveling planned (going to the next city to dinner to kill time with the limo and the beach afterwards late at night) that we are not sure about. Those do scare us a little. We will usually drive our kids pretty close to anywhere so we can be the drivers..... we don't have much control with this! I would probably feel a little better if it all stayed close to home and the school.

 

When I was in HS and invited to the prom as a Freshman my mom looked at me and said "You can go if you want to, but feel free to use me as your excuse if you need one. I could use some help with your sister that night." I took her up on it and told my friends that my mom wouldn't let me go because I had to babysit. ;)

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If she wants to get out of it, it's pretty simple to say that she is afraid of hurting her friend's feelings. She can add that she can't afford the limo.

 

I would be okay with the dinner in another town, but would probably not be cool with the beach late at night. If she wants to go, you could arrange to pick her up after the dance or something.

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I think about four couples are going, they are renting the limo for nine hours.

 

I really wish they were staying closer to home.... the next city is an hour away with country roads at night and that is where they are going to dinner before the prom (that is a mile from our house).

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We are leaning toward this...... IDEAS please!!!!

 

High school is SO awkward. She is quiet, doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. She just got more details about the evening and isn't that thrilled with the plans.

 

I would offer her that she can tell her friends her parents won't let her go. That prevents her from being the "bad guy"; she won't hurt any feelings. You not that thrilled about her going anyway...

 

If she's reluctant to do this because it's not quite true, then I would say: "Dd, you don't really want to go, and we aren't really happy about you going. How about if your dad and I decide you can't go, and then you can just tell your friends that YOU CAN'T GO."

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I think about four couples are going, they are renting the limo for nine hours.

 

I really wish they were staying closer to home.... the next city is an hour away with country roads at night and that is where they are going to dinner before the prom (that is a mile from our house).

I would be ok with this. An hour away and all they had to do was ride and talk?? Sounds way better than inexperienced drivers driving that far away themselves and being totally distracted. I would only approve if they went that far by limo on that night. My guess is that the limo driver is experienced and has likely driven those roads many times, plus he shouldn't be distracted by the kids.

 

The only time in my life that I dressed up like a princess and ate at a fancy restaurant was my prom. I didn't even have a big fancy wedding - I was married in a 'church dress'. Maybe that colors my experience some...

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While it's nice to include her, she really is an after thought since he broke up with his girl friend. Are these other kids all "couples". If so that could make it awkward. How much kissing does she want to watch? One day notice is not enough to really absorb it all. I would only let her go if it seemed right and she really felt good about it. She's getting caught up in the high school drama of the week.

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Although I wouldn't counsel her against it, based on what you have written. If these young people are friends, and she feels comfortable with them and the situation, it could be safe & a lot of fun

 

I just don't know. I can't extrapolate past our experiences.

 

 

 

That sounds like a money issue, so no way would I counsel my daughter to make a decision based on splitting a limo a thousand ways.
Edited by LibraryLover
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If she doesn't want to go, but wants to save face then there is some kind of family outing that day/evening that is mandatory for all family members. Or she has to babysit siblings. Or "my mom said I can't go." Or we are going to family reunion on that day. Or it is the day everyone participates in the cleaning out of the basement, attic or garage.

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I went to a high school prom. It was very fancy, tickets were $50 per person, they played a lot of music I didn't like, I didn't know that many people, and I'm betting the other prom-related activities were a lot more exciting (and probably dubious/dangerous) than the actual prom. I went with my now-dh, it was his prom, I'd graduated from the school but still knew a lot of people... Prom was overrated in my opinion.

 

See if your dd really wants to go. If she doesn't, I absolutely agree with some pps -- give her an out! :) It sounds to me like it has the potential to be an expensive, awkward evening.

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Well, drum roll......

 

It seems as though she only had an hour or two to decide....

 

And she gracefully declined. She wrote that she had a conference with her piggy bank and it squealed and sprinted underneath her bed. LOL

 

Funny, she and ds who is in college share FB friends, and Ds friend's response was "he is not paying.... sounds like a shady deal." How's that for perspective!

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Love your DD reply.

 

Just thinking about the limo/money situation. If there are 3 couples already committed to the limo presumably paying 1/4 per couple and the 4th guy is hoping both he and your DD will pay 1/8 of the price. But now that she isn't going, is the guy going to pay 1/4 to go stag. If he doesn't go, then will other couple will have to pay 1/3 instead of 1/4. Is he going to ask until he finds someone who can pay? Anyway if he plans to pay 1/4 to go stag, you would think he would paid more and ask less of your DD. Oh well. Just thinking through money.

 

I always found formal dances awkward unless you were with someone special and/or a really close group of friends.

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We are leaning toward this...... IDEAS please!!!!

 

High school is SO awkward. She is quiet, doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. She just got more details about the evening and isn't that thrilled with the plans. These are close friends that we trust, and it is very nice of them to include her. But there is some traveling planned (going to the next city to dinner to kill time with the limo and the beach afterwards late at night) that we are not sure about. Those do scare us a little. We will usually drive our kids pretty close to anywhere so we can be the drivers..... we don't have much control with this! I would probably feel a little better if it all stayed close to home and the school.

 

 

this would be a big no for me.

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Is it that she doesn't want to go or that she doesn't want to put you out for the expense ? My oldest daughter was never shy about asking from us what she wanted but my youngest daughter has a different temperament than her sister and does not like to put anyone out, including her parents. I would hate to see my daughter miss something that was important to her because she felt it was too much of a sacrifice from us when we could have made it work out for her.

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Good decision, methinks.

 

And now that you have told us her decision, I will hijack the thread for a moment, and say that proms these days seem to be getting out of control. I swear, some of them cost as much as my wedding did, lol! Hundreds of dollars for the limo, hundreds of dollars for the dress, the girls go get face/nails/makeup done . . . I'm all for a special evening, but in some circles there's sooo much pressure to go all out and spend way too much money, time, and energy on prom.

 

I admit, I'm prejudiced. I went to two proms, and . . . meh. It was fun, sure, but nothing spectacular. And it annoyed me to no end when I started hs'ing my FIVE YEAR OLD, and people would gasp, in horrified tones, "But she's going to high school, right? Because what about the prom?"

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Me agrees with you! We do want to do a special evening, and luckily, dd doesn't expect us or her to spend a fortune. She may go to a nice dinner with a few close friends. I have a thread on the high school forum about alternate prom ideas. She even said if someone wants to go and just wants to go to just the dance, she might go. My prom didn't involve a limo, and I made my dress. I was too stupid to know that my poor guy friend from youth group got stuck with a bit of a bill for the tux and dinner....

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