~Amanda~ Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 A child they just don't get along with? Gah, I feel so ashamed typing this out, but I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do; and I don't want to make his childhood horrible because we just clash so much. Everyone tells me that he's a "typical boy" but I've been around other boys that aren't this bad. I don't know what it is. I had more that I wanted to say, but I'm tearing up now, and I just don't know how to express it. I'm scared; I see some personality traits of his that are in my younger daughter; does that mean that we will clash like this all the time too? I don't want to feel that way about her! I don't want to feel that way about him. :( I feel like a terrible person. but I don't know anyone else who just simply does not get along with their child. He manages to do something within the first 15 minutes of our day that either gets him in trouble, or puts him on my bad sad. and it gets to the point where the line has blurred, where the days' don't start over, he's already on my nerves. Please no flames, I hate myself already for this. I just needed to know if its at all common for parents and children to clash. I know I did with my mom, but she was… not well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 yes. I am here right now....and praying my dd outgrows her more annoying traits. She is 13....a difficult age. She is alot like my dh. I've heard the stories about when he was 13. 14, 15....and I like him now and get along with him now. So I am hopeful. It makes me very sad too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :grouphug:No advice, just wanted to give you a hug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 With a heavy heart and tear filled eyes I can say, "Yes, I do." :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TX Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :grouphug: I had the same problem with my son when he was younger, but now that he is almost 14 we get along much better. Susan in TX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I often don't like my daughter even though I love her dearly. I've come to realize that it's because she is so much like me. My son is much easier to like as he takes after his father. It's hard to admit that we don't always like our own children. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :grouphug: Yup. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
i.love.lucy Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I sure don't like my dd a lot of the time and it makes me sad and scared for our future too. I know just how you feel. Sometimes I have to just take a time out. Have a cup of tea, and ...b r e a t h e. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Amanda~ Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 I often don't like my daughter even though I love her dearly. I've come to realize that it's because she is so much like me. My son is much easier to like as he takes after his father. It's hard to admit that we don't always like our own children. :grouphug: Part of me thinks this is it. he's too much like me. but then some things are totally different from me, so I know that's not it all the time. Thank you for all your hugs, it really makes me feel better. Now if I just knew what to do about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrie_irene Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I am pretty sure my mom felt that way about me at that age...and she was homeschooling me too! Hang in there. It will get better. But know that sticking her in school, the divide would only grow. Keep them close. =) And as encouragement....my mom and I have become dear friends. It took me till I was in college to really have my eyes opened to her love for me and her gift in teaching us at home. I hope you have some great days with your kids soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Yes, 12 yo and I seem to have clashed from her first hour on earth. I love her more than breath BUT we just don't seem to have any common ground. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m0mmaBuck Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My husband and are oldest son do not like each other. Not in some teenage kid vs. father stereotypically way, but in the way that if they weren't related they would never have anything to do with each other because they are just too different. I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to offer you a ((hug)). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug: It has been my experience that the best thing I can do for a trying relationship is to actively work at finding things to appreciate about the other person. You might want to try beginning and ending each day by writing a list of 5-10 things that you appreciate about your son. It could be things he's done or said that made you smile, nice things you've seen him do for others, the way he looks when he's all dressed up for a fancy outing, silly things he did as a toddler, etc. In other words, anything at all that makes you appreciate him from past, present or future. I'm willing to bet that you will feel better about things if you try this for even a little while. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 If he is getting into that much trouble that early- have you brought him to the DR for an eval? The one I clash with, the one that started me yelling before I even got out of bed was my oldest who has ADD/ODD. I don't want to say that yours WILL, but if you're dealing with something, sometimes just knowing what you're up against helps. Mine-I love him awful, but I really don't like him. Though one day when he matures and starts making better decisions I hope that we can renew a deeper relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Amanda~ Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 I DO believe he has a touch of OCD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woolybear Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Oh, sweetie,:grouphug::grouphug:. I could give you advice because I can think of a lot of things that sound like good ideas, BUT it would just sound like BS to my own ears right now, because I'm having such problems with my 10 year old ds. However, he can also be wonderful and there are times when I do get along really well with him. That being said, I spent a lot of time crying yesterday over this, saying in my head, "I hate him. I hate him." Sigh. I guess I don't really, but I do hate some of what he does. Perhaps it's good to separate the behaviour from the person?? What he does is not necessarily who he is. Don't know. Sending you more :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Tara~ Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Oh goodness can I ever relate! It *is* hard. I remember going through a time with another of mine, but that was short lived. He and I do just fine now, he's a riot, in fact. ;) But *this* one, we've not gotten along well from day one. I have a really, really hard time with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Yes! I do. My children are all adopted (from infancy/toddlerhood) and my oldest and I just clash. It worries me, it scares me that he'll feel his parents don't understand him and become a scary adolescent. I love him, but he is one of those kids who just keeps pushing and pushing every limit. He whines about absolutely everything he is asked to do, he wants to be first in everything. He complained most of the time we were at DIsneyland, of all places. He's in his bedroom (because that's where he's sent) all the time. He's also not a very relational kid. He's not horribly obnoxious, but the other kids don't like him all that much either. I hate admitting this, and I pray for our relationship all the time, but he is one kid who, if I let him, could really push me over the edge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anita in NC Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 What kinds of things do you clash over? Do you just need to be firmer with him? Do you need to be a little more tolerant? I know that my youngest was a handful until he turned 6 or so and he has been much better since then. I had to be REALLY firm with him about things, expected behavior, etc.... My other two boys were not like that. Hang in there. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 (edited) She is alot like my dh. I've heard the stories about when he was 13. 14, 15....and I like him now and get along with him now. So I am hopeful. This gives me hope as well. I remember when DD was little-little and I would read her books. I would follow along with my finger like my mom did with me (how I learned to read). She would take my finger and pull it off the page, say "stop it". It was only the beginning of how many things I wanted to share with her that she would care nothing about. She and I are nothing alike. I try very hard to look for positives, but part of me grieves the relationship I wanted but will never have with her. I shouldn't say never, I guess, I'm still hoping for the future. But it's hard right now. A lot of the times I am angry or frustrated with her I really have to step back and identify that it's my problem and not hers. My expectations get in the way, and I have to remind myself to deal with the reality and not keep going back to what I expected (or wanted). It's like that old story about planning a trip to Germany, but you get off the plane and you're in Italy. She just is who she is, and she deserves from me to be accepted for that. My secret words are "I should never have done this, I should never have had a child..." then I cry with guilt and shame. Yes, it's hard, and yes, you're not alone. :grouphug: Edited February 2, 2011 by coloradoperkins Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I completely understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 When my oldest was middle school age, I had a really hard time liking him. I now consider him one of my best friends (truly!) and miss him terribly when he's out of town on camps/retreats/conferences, etc. The most important thing I did was pray, but also consciously determined to focus on his good qualities. He had many, many things he did that made me want to :banghead::willy_nilly:, so I had to step out of myself and remember that God had also put some wonderful traits in him that I needed to focus on. Sometimes, it was just his bright smile, or his fun loving nature (that also got him in hot water many times.) I had to think about these things before I saw him for the day so when his less stellar attributes came out they did not define him~they were just behaviors that needed to be addressed. If people who know you and your family well are saying his behavior is typical, but you are comparing it to other boys who you don't see act the same way, then I would caution you about comparing and suggest that 1) You don't really know what those other boys act like all the time, and 2) boys can be obnoxious and loveable at the same time :lol:. It took me awhile, but I can honestly say that my three boys add life to our family in a way that my girls don't. Granted, it's a messier, louder, crazier life, but life, nevertheless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Not only can I relate, but this thread has blessed me today. I think about this issue A LOT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 :grouphug: :grouphug: It has been my experience that the best thing I can do for a trying relationship is to actively work at finding things to appreciate about the other person. You might want to try beginning and ending each day by writing a list of 5-10 things that you appreciate about your son. It could be things he's done or said that made you smile, nice things you've seen him do for others, the way he looks when he's all dressed up for a fancy outing, silly things he did as a toddler, etc. In other words, anything at all that makes you appreciate him from past, present or future. I'm willing to bet that you will feel better about things if you try this for even a little while. :grouphug: thank you I'm going to try this My oldest gets on my last nerve and I find it hard to even smile at her sometimes. I have the hardest time being kind to her when my parents are around - she is their favorite and she knows it (so she acts like a brat) and the youngers are oblivious to it but I feel like yelling and crying when they baby her and ignore or yell at the others. I am trying to spend less time with them in order to separate my feelings toward them from my feelings toward her but your suggestions help, so thanks :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I find when I'm not getting along with one of the kids, it helps to take some time for a one on one activity together. Then we feel more bonded. I tell myself I'm not too busy, and it make all of our lives better! Will pray for you and yours. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My son drove me crazy for about half of his life, from the time he was 3 to the time he hit 12. It has been a learning process, figuring out one thing at a time as he grew up and we found ways to help him. There were several years that we marked a "good day" as one that didn't dissolve into crying and screaming. Those were rare. It seemed like we were constantly screaming and crying, and that it would never get better. As I look back, I can see that things were constantly getting better, but I couldn't see it at the time. When he was six, he was diagnosed with hypoglycemia. We were able to help him a lot just by monitoring his diet. Soon after that, I learned to try to give him five positive comments for every negative one. Difficult to do when everything he did was something he should have known not to do. But, it made me aware of how my negativity was contributing to our problems. Later, I learned about ADD/ADHD and found ways to help him learn in active ways. Better, but not great. Then, a couple years ago, I learned about how the heavy-duty antibiotics he had as a preschooler could affect his serotonin levels even now, and how that could affect his mood, his sleep at night, his concentration, his general health and well being. We learned ways to boost his serotonin while also reducing yeast in his system. These things have helped tremendously. Once in awhile, we break down into tears, but only rarely. We never have those screaming fits anymore. He's 13 now, and is still lazy, and still does only what I specifically ask him to do, and even then sometimes has to do it over and over to get it right. But, he is trying, and I am trying. And things are so much better than they used to be. Things are better than ever, though putting him on the bus still sounds like a good idea sometimes. There were times I knew I loved him more than life, but I didn't like him very much. Those times are rare now. I can tell him he's headed in the wrong direction, or he notices it himself, and he can stop himself from spiraling. He has much more self control, and he even pitches in and does more than he's asked from time to time. He's quieter, and more introspective. He's not so self centered all the time (though he still is some of the time). We're getting there! I would urge you to try to figure out the core issues that might be causing your son to act the way he is. Could he have health issues that just make him feel bad all the time. It may not even be something he can identify, especially if he's felt that way for a very long time (years). Food allergies, serotonin deficiency, other hormone deficiencies, other food issues. All these cause behavior problems that are easily remedied without medication. http://www.diannecraft.com has several programs on CD or DVD that teach how to recognize these problems, and how to fix them with supplements and special exercises. Feel free to ask if you want more detailed information about what we've been through. Hang in there, Mom! The fact that this bothers you is evidence that you care! You love him, and you want what's best for him. It will get better. Really. Just keep breathing. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in Austin Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 When he was 3, 4, 5, it was so bad I didn't want to get out of bed and deal with him. Now he's a joy 98% of the time. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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